Starting Over
by BSGaddict
Summary: For the Adama family, the end of the world offers the chance for a fresh start. This is an AU story set in seasons 1 and 2, in which Zak Adama is still alive. KZ and KL.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One**

Kara ordered another drink from the barman and looked at her watch, scowling. This was the first proper leave time she'd had since the Cylons had attacked, and she didn't want to waste a second of it.

Unlike some people. It almost made her regret she'd gone to the trouble to make sure they'd got leave to go to Cloud Nine at the same time.

Almost.

"Your name Thrace?"

Kara looked up at the barman in surprise as he put her drink down in front of her. "Yes."

"Call for you." He passed her a phone. Kara had to lean forward to reach it; the cord was stretched nearly to breaking point.

"Kara, I'm really sorry-"

Kara grinned to herself, but kept her voice irritated. "Where the hell are you, Adama? Our leave time is ticking away, you know."

"I know. There was a minor technical crisis in CIC, and then more problems with the water re-distribution-"

"Save the excuses, Captain." Kara couldn't help a slight feeling of relief. For a moment she'd been worried that something had happened to him. "All I want to know is when you'll be here."

"As soon as I can get a raptor over to Cloud Nine. An hour, maybe?"

"Don't make it more than two. Remember, that double cabin is waiting impatiently for us." Kara laughed and cut the connection before he could reply.

She passed the phone back to the barman and turned to look around her. There must be something to do here for an hour besides propping up the bar. She spotted a couple of card games, but she only liked to play triad when she was in it for the long haul. Plus when she played outside the military she tended to end up in a fight, and that was not how she wanted this evening to end.

Then she spotted the pool table in the far corner, where a man about her own age was idly knocking the balls around.

Perfect. She hadn't played pool for ages, and the guy obviously needed an opponent. And he was certainly easy on the eyes, she thought, as she wandered across the bar. Extremely hot, even. A nice bonus. She could look, even if she couldn't touch.

She leaned on the edge of the table and smiled cockily. "Want a game?"

The man was bent over his cue, focused on his next shot. His eyes flicked upwards at the sound of her voice. "Maybe." He looked back down along the cue and made his shot. It was an awkward angle, but he'd judged it perfectly, and the ball dropped neatly into the pocket.

Kara lifted her eyebrows. "Nice. But I'm better."

The man straightened up, looking her over consideringly. "Is that so?"

Kara nodded.

"Better prove it then," he said, and passed her a cue. "Let's play out the rest of the table."

They played out the table, mostly in silence. Her opponent didn't appear to be much of a talker, or else he took pool very seriously. He was certainly a good player; Kara had to pull out all her stops to keep pace with him. She did though, and potted the last of her balls with a particularly difficult shot. She whooped in triumph as the ball hit the pocket.

Her companion put down his cue and applauded. "Guess you proved your point," he said, grinning.

His smile was infectious, and Kara found herself grinning back. If there was one thing she liked better than a worthy opponent, it was a worthy opponent who wasn't a sore loser. "Want another game?"

"Definitely." He looked at her empty glass. "You want a refill?"

"Thanks." Kara retrieved the balls and set up the table while he went to the bar. When he returned, she took her glass and nodded in thanks.

Smiling, he clinked his glass against hers. "Here's to a good game of pool. I'm Alex, by the way."

"Kara." She took a swig from her glass. "You want to break?"

"No, no." Alex smiled and waved a hand mockingly. "Ladies first."

Kara shot him an amused look. "You're going to regret that." She made the break, and stood for a minute staring at the results and considering her next move.

"So, you're from Galactica, then?"

Kara pulled a face. "That obvious, is it?" She looked down at her jeans and sparkly black top. "And I thought I was blending in nicely."

"Oh, you are. Very nicely." Alex smiled, his eyes looking her over appreciatively. "I've just got military radar; comes of growing up on a base. I can spot you people a mile off."

"That makes me feel better." Kara potted an easy ball, and lined up for her next shot.

"Here looking for some R&R?"

The tone of Alex's voice made Kara look up sharply. The nature of the smile on his face confirmed her suspicions.

Time to put him straight. "I'm just passing some time waiting for a friend. If you catch my drift." She smiled pleasantly, hoping he wouldn't walk out on the game. She was enjoying it.

"I do." He grinned easily, brushing it off. "Fair enough. You going to take your shot sometime this century?"

Kara glared at him and lined up her cue. Her angle was slightly off though, and she missed by a fraction. She swore, gritting her teeth.

"My turn." Something in Alex's smooth voice made Kara wonder for a moment if he'd distracted her on purpose.

Alex chalked his cue. "So what are you? A marine?"

Kara spluttered through a mouthful of beer. "Hell, no! Viper pilot."

"Really?" There was a flash of envy in his eyes. "A friend smuggled me into a viper sim once. One of the best experiences of my life."

"Sims?" Kara snorted. "Nothing like the real thing. It's like watching pyramid on TV instead of going to a live game."

"I bet. I'd love to try it." There was a note of pure sincerity in his voice, and Kara looked at him with renewed interest.

She put down her beer on the edge of the table. "What about you? What do you do?"

"Oh, I'm a pilot too." He smiled ruefully. "Freighters, though. Not quite the same thing."

Kara shrugged. "It's still flying. Nothing quite like it."

"I'm with you there." Their eyes met with a flash of understanding, and they both smiled.

They cleared half the table, on fairly even terms. Kara was watching Alex take a shot when she heard a familiar voice behind her.

"Kara! Sorry I'm so late-"

She turned to look up into apologetic blue eyes, trying to look stern. "You know I don't like to be kept waiting."

"All due to circumstances beyond my control, honest. I got here as fast as I could," he said, using that particular beseeching smile she could never quite resist. "Am I forgiven?"

Kara felt a smile tugging at her mouth. "Maybe, Zak, maybe. If you grovel sufficiently."

Zak took a step closer, eyes fixed on hers. "I've always grovelled better in private."

"Really?" She smiled slowly. "Good thing we've got that double cabin then, isn't it?" And she wanted to make use of it right now. It had been far too long.

She turned to put her cue back on the table, and smiled at Alex apologetically. "I have to go."

He was looking highly amused. "So I see. It was a good game. Another time, maybe?"

"Hope so," she said, finding to her surprise that she meant it. She sent him a farewell smile, and turned back to Zak.

Who had gone pale, his eyes wide and staring.

"Zak?" She pulled his arm impatiently, but he seemed rooted to the spot. "Zak, let's go."

Zak didn't reply, in fact he barely seemed to hear her. Kara followed his line of sight, and realised that he was staring at Alex.

"Zak?" she said again.

Zak's lips finally moved, but his eyes stayed locked on Alex.

"Lee?" he said hoarsely, in a tone Kara had never heard him use before. "Lee, is that you?"

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

"Lee?"

The man in front of Zak took a defensive step backwards. "You must have me confused with someone else. My name's not Lee."

But it _was _Lee. Zak could hardly believe his eyes, but he was sure of it. Despite the obvious differences, he could clearly see the teenage brother he remembered in the man before him. There was no mistaking those sharp blue eyes – or the wariness that was spreading across the man's face even as he spoke his denial. He'd seen that exact same expression on Lee too many times to count.

"It _is_ you," he said slowly. Lee took another step back, face shutting down completely in the way it always did when he felt threatened. It struck Zak suddenly that maybe Lee didn't recognise _him_ – after all, he'd only been thirteen the last time they'd seen each other.

"Lee, it's me!" he said urgently. "It's Zak." He waited for Lee's face to clear, for him to smile, but that set expression didn't waver. "Don't you know me?"

"No, I don't," said Lee, but there was a brief flicker of emotion in his eyes that told Zak he was lying. "I told you, you've made a mistake."

With that he turned and headed for the door, so fast that he was almost running.

Someone touched Zak's arm. He turned to see Kara, her face utterly confused. "Zak, what the hell is going on?"

Zak didn't answer. He just shook her hand off his arm and ran after Lee. After all these years, there was no way he was going to let his brother disappear on him again.

He caught up with him in the corridor outside the bar.

"Lee!"

Lee didn't turn round. He picked up his pace and Zak felt a white hot surge of fury. He hurtled down the corridor and grabbed his brother's arm, jerking him round to face him.

"Don't you dare," he hissed between gritted teeth. "Don't you dare walk out on me again, Lee."

Lee scowled, but there was a tinge of guilt in his eyes. "I told you, you've made a mistake," he snapped, pulling his arm out of Zak's grasp. He wasn't saying it with quite the same conviction as before, though.

"Cut the crap, Lee." Zak had had enough of this. "I know it's you. You haven't changed that much in ten years."

Silence. Zak held Lee's eyes, refusing to let his brother look away. He watched as the fierce defiance in those eyes gradually dimmed into sadness.

"You have," said Lee finally. "I didn't recognise you."

They stood there for a moment in silence. Suddenly Zak had no idea what to say. After so many years of imagining what he'd say to Lee if he ever saw him again, now he was tongue-tied. The sheer number and force of questions he wanted to ask held him silent. He didn't know where to start.

"I'm glad to see you," said Lee quietly. He was staring down at the deck. "I knew Dad had survived the attacks, but I didn't know if you-" He broke off, swallowing hard.

Zak's temper exploded. "What the hell does that mean, Lee? Am I supposed to feel sorry for you? I've spent _ten years_ not knowing if you were alive or dead!"

"Zak, I'm sorry." Lee looked up, and Zak realised with a shock that he was taller than his big brother now.

"Sure you are," he spat furiously. "So sorry that you couldn't even be bothered to pick up a phone and tell me at least that you were alive."

"Zak, I don't-" Lee stopped helplessly, lost for words.

"Why did you do it, Lee? How could you just leave me like that?" And there it was, finally, the root of all this anger. Zak heard his voice break slightly.

"Zak..." Lee's face was twisted with distress.

"Why?"

Lee didn't reply. He took two deep breaths, clenching his fists, and then the distress smoothed out of his face and his eyes went blank as he regained control over himself. Zak found himself recoiling a little. He'd seen Lee retreat behind his defences like that with their parents hundreds of times, but Lee had never done it to him before. The sight was unexpectedly painful. It brought home unavoidably how much time had passed, what strangers they were to each other now.

"We can't talk about this here," said Lee in exactly the same carefully reasonable tone in which he used to tell Zak he couldn't watch TV until he'd finished his homework. "It's not the right time-"

"And when is the right time? Another ten years?" Zak snapped, and was pleased to see Lee flinch slightly. "You might find it a little harder to disappear this time, big brother. There's not much of the human race left for you to lose yourself in."

Lee closed his eyes briefly. "I won't disappear on you, Zak. Not this time. You're right, the least I owe you is an explanation. But I think we both need time to…adjust to things."

You mean _you_ do, Zak thought. You need time to fit my inconvenient appearance into whatever orderly little life you've created for yourself. His brother really hadn't changed.

Something flickered across Lee's face, as if he knew what Zak was thinking. "I'm sorry Zak, but – but we can't just pick up where we left off, as if nothing happened. I meant what I said – I'm not Lee Adama any more. I haven't been for a very long time."

His voice was clear and firm, but Zak could see his brother's fingers were restlessly tapping against his thighs. Looked like Lee hadn't given up lying to himself either.

"Tomorrow, then," he said, in a tone that made it clear he wasn't going to put up with any more excuses. "Where do I find you?"

Lee sighed. "I'm one of the pilots on the Caprican Star. Ask for Alex Balder."

"I'll be there," said Zak tightly. "Make sure you are – or I'll get Dad to track you down."

Lee's jaw set hard. He nodded curtly and then turned and walked away.

----

Kara pounced on Zak the moment he set foot back in the bar.

"What the hell is going on? Who was that?" She looked torn between anger and concern.

Zak sighed inwardly. He suddenly felt overwhelmingly tired. "Kara, I'll explain, I promise – but I need a drink first."

Kara stared at his face intently. Whatever she saw seemed to make concern win out over anger, because before Zak knew quite what was happening, he was sat opposite her in a booth with a bottle of beer and a packet of crisps in front of him. Kara had a softer heart than she liked to admit.

"Come on then, Zak," she said, opening the packet of crisps. "Spill. What's going on? Who was that guy?"

Zak took a deep breath. After so many years, it felt odd to say the words. "That was my brother."

Kara stared at him. A crisp fell out of her hand onto the table. "What are you talking about? You don't have a brother."

"Yes, I do. Lee. He's three years older. And you just met him." Zak couldn't help smiling slightly. He still couldn't quite believe he had finally found Lee. In ten years of subconsciously scanning for a familiar face every time he was in a public place, of tensing every time he saw a man with dark hair and blue eyes, or heard a Caprican accent outside Caprica, he'd never found a trace of him. When the colonies had been destroyed, along with his grief for his mother and all the friends he'd lost had been a quiet pain at the final death of that hope, at the knowledge that now Lee was definitely gone for good.

And then he'd walked into a bar on Cloud Nine and found Lee playing pool with Kara. If Zak had believed in the gods, he might have thought that they had a twisted sense of humour.

Kara was staring at him, eyes narrowed. "Let me get this straight. You have a brother. A brother you've never mentioned in the two years I've known you. That your father has never mentioned in the three years I've served under him."

Zak shifted uncomfortably under her accusing gaze. "Dad and I…don't like to talk about him."

"You could have told me," Kara was looking hurt. "I'm your girlfriend, after all. You should be able to confide in me."

"Should I?" Zak felt suddenly irritated. "The way you confide in me? I can count on one hand the number of times you've mentioned _your_ family."

Kara flinched, and then scowled at him. "I'll just leave you alone then, shall I?" She started to get up.

Zak grabbed her arm, feeling suddenly guilty.

"Take your hand off me, Adama."

He let go immediately. "Kara, I'm sorry. I didn't mean – look, just stay. Please."

Her eyes softened at the last word, and she sat back down. "All right." She offered him the packet of crisps, and he took one.

"So, what's the deal with your brother?" she said after a moment. "He didn't look pleased to see you. Did he quarrel with you and your dad?"

Zak took a deep breath. "Not exactly. He – he disappeared."

Kara stared at him. "_Disappeared?_ What do you mean?"

"He – he just went out to school one morning and didn't come back." Zak swallowed hard, reliving that morning again in his memory, as he had done so often before. There had been nothing unusual, nothing to indicate what was going to happen. Lee had given Zak his lunch money, picked up his bag of books, said he'd see Zak later, and left for school just as he always did. "And I didn't see him again until today."

Kara's eyes were wide. "How long ago was this?"

"I was thirteen."

"_Ten years_? And you haven't seen him in all that time?"

"No," Zak said bitterly. "Didn't even know if he was dead or alive."

"That must have been tough," Kara said awkwardly. She took another crisp.

Zak nodded. "My parents tried everything to find him. Private detectives, appeals in the media…nothing worked. I don't think any of us ever gave up hope entirely, but..."

Kara picked up her beer. "Did he tell you what happened just now?"

"No. Said it wasn't a conversation to have in the corridor, and I guess he was right. He said he'd meet me tomorrow, explain everything." Zak clenched his fist under the table as the anger surged up again. "I just – I just don't know how to feel, Kara. All these years I've wanted to find Lee again more than anything in the world…and now that I have, all I can think about is how angry I am with him. I just want to punch his lights out for making us all suffer like that."

Kara crunched on a crisp, looking at him curiously. "You were close to him, weren't you?" Zak looked up in surprise, and she smiled. "You wouldn't feel so betrayed if you hadn't been."

Zak smiled ruefully. She knew him too well. "Yes, we were close. Closer than most brothers are, I think. Because Dad was away so much." Lee had been the one who taught him how to swim, helped him with his homework, watched his pyramid games. He bit his lip. "I always thought he was the one person in our family I could rely on to be there, no matter what. Ironic, huh?"

Kara was looking puzzled. "What about your mum? She was there, even if your dad wasn't."

Zak looked down at the table. "Well…she was there physically, but not-" He took a deep breath, struggling to find the words. "Look, she was a great mum when she was sober. But when she wasn't…"

Kara's mouth dropped open. "Your mother had a drink problem? I never saw any signs."

"Oh, she'd been off the booze for years by the time you met her." Zak sighed. "But when we were kids…" He trailed off, not wanting to say any more. Some wounds never completely healed over.

"Zak." Something in Kara's voice made him look at her. There was a tense expression on her face.

"What?"

"Did she…hit you?"

"Oh no," said Zak hurriedly, and the tension disappeared so swiftly that he decided he must have imagined it. "She never hit us. Just yelled about what burdens we were, that we'd ruined her life. Well, she yelled at Lee, mainly. He used to send me upstairs when she was really bad." But he'd still been able to hear her through the floorboards, all too clearly. His hand clenched tight on the beer bottle at the memory.

"Oh." Kara took a sip of her beer. "You know, I can see why your brother might have decided to run away."

"I know," Zak said heavily. "He used to end up sorting everything out while she was drinking. I took it for granted at the time – you know how it is when you're a kid – but I realise now…maybe he just snapped and couldn't cope with it any more." He smiled ruefully. "I understand why he did it, Kara – but that doesn't make me any less angry with him. Stupid, but that's how it is."

They fell silent for a moment, and Zak drained the rest of his beer.

"Are you going to tell your dad?" Kara asked eventually.

Zak nodded. "Of course. But I think I'll wait until I've seen Lee and heard the whole story before I tell him."

He sat up and stretched the kinks out of his shoulders, wishing he could brush all this mess away so easily. He smiled at Kara apologetically.

"Sorry about all this. Not quite the evening you envisioned."

"I don't mind," said Kara firmly. "Really." Her smile turned into a wicked grin, and she got up, extending her hand. "But then…the evening's not over yet. And we've still got that double cabin."

Zak laughed and let her pull him to his feet. He pushed all thoughts of Lee and his dad away, locked them in the back of his mind.

Tonight was for him, and for Kara. He'd deal with everything else tomorrow.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

Lee flew the shuttle back to the _Caprican Star_ almost on autopilot, barely aware of what was going on around him. His mind was too filled with thoughts of Zak to be able to concentrate on anything else.

Zak. His brother's image flashed before his eyes. He was having a hard time reconciling the man he'd met on Cloud Nine with the little brother he'd left behind. Realistically, he'd known that time had passed, that Zak was an adult now, but in his mind he'd still pictured Zak as the skinny thirteen year old he'd last seen.

He hadn't even recognised Zak at first. Even when his brother had said who he was, it had taken Lee several minutes to see the Zak he remembered in this man's face.

Leaving Zak had always been the hardest part of what he had done, the thing he felt most guilty about.

_Why did you do it, Lee? How could you just leave me like that? _

Lee's stomach twisted as he remembered his brother's words and the pain on his face as he'd spoken them. If only he could turn back time, make things right…but he couldn't. And if he could go back, he didn't see what else he could have done differently. He'd had to leave. He just hadn't been able to live that life any longer.

He didn't regret leaving. Didn't regret turning his back on his parents. But he did regret leaving Zak behind.

His musings were interrupted by the crackling of the radio.

"Alex! You're back early."

Lee started. "Hey, Emma."

"I thought I told you to get some proper R&R. You've barely been gone four hours."

"I had all I needed," said Lee stiffly.

"Really." Emma didn't sound convinced. "Well, I can't pretend I'm not glad to see you back. We've got several new crises to deal with." Lee groaned inwardly. "I haven't told anyone else you're docking, so hopefully you'll be able to get up here without being cornered."

----

Lee nearly made it to the cockpit of the _Caprican Star_ without getting cornered, but his luck ran out when he was only feet away from the cockpit hatch.

"Alex! I want a word with you!"

Lee grimaced as he recognised the voice. Peter Stiles, the ship's engineer. Every crew had a resident whinger, and on the _Caprican Star_, it was him.

He smoothed his face to calm and turned round. "What is it, Peter?" He couldn't keep the impatience out of his voice as easily as he had a few weeks ago. When the attacks first happened, they had all been too shocked to really understand how everything had changed, and the urgent need to survive had kept them too busy to think of anything else. Now that the constant Cylon attacks had eased off a little, and the full impact of losing their homes was starting to set in, nerves were fraying and tempers boiling. It seemed to Lee as if he had done nothing else in the past two weeks but listen to grievances and break up fights.

"I think you should have a word with Ronny."

"What about?"

"The water rations," said Peter petulantly. "He's not doling them out right. He'd only give me half a cupful this morning, and you know we're entitled to a whole cup at breakfast-"

"You _were_," said Lee sharply. "Now it's half a cup. I told Ronny to change the rations myself."

Peter stared at him in disbelief. "Why? There's no need-"

"There's every need," said Lee impatiently. He really didn't have time for this. "The next water shipment has been delayed again, and we can't afford to waste what we've got."

"Delayed?" Peter's face fell. "How long?"

"A few days, the President's office said."

"A few days?" Peter's face cleared. "But that's no time at all! There's no reason to cut the rations."

"That's when they_ said_ it would be here," Lee said curtly. "But as this is the third time they've delayed the shipment, and it seems to be taking forever for them to get water off that planet, I'm not holding my breath. So we go on shorter rations until I say otherwise."

Peter's face darkened. "Until you say so, huh? And who exactly put you in charge, Alex? That's what a few of us have been discussing recently. You seem to think you have the right to snap your fingers and send us all running, but we still have a captain on this ship, and it's not you."

Lee clenched his fists. "Well then, Peter, why don't you go see the captain and get some orders from him? Of course, you'll have to get him to open the door of his cabin first. And then sober him up. But, please, go ahead."

Peter flushed uncomfortably. "All right, so maybe the captain's not in a state to be giving orders at the moment. But that still doesn't mean that you have the right to. You're just the pilot."

Lee took an angry step forward, backing Peter against the wall. The engineer was taller than him, but Lee had long ago discovered that lack of height didn't matter if you looked suitably intimidating.

"That's right, Peter. I'm the pilot. And under the ship's charter, that means that in the absence of the captain, I'm in command of this ship." He leaned towards Peter, and was pleased to see the man flinch back. "And believe me, I'm no happier about it than you are. I could quite easily do without having to spend hours pestering the President's office for supplies, and listening to the petty complaints of you and your friends." He glared into the other man's eyes. "But if you want to do all that, if you think you could do a better job, you go ahead. Be my guest." He slammed his hand into the wall by Peter's head, making him jump. "Well?"

Peter tried to sidle away, but Lee had him trapped. "Well, what?"

"Do you think you could do a better job? Do you want to be in charge?"

"No!" Peter looked petrified at the idea. "No, I didn't mean…you're doing your best, Alex, we all know that-"

"Do you? Good." Lee smiled and took a step backwards. "Just as long as we're clear."

"Yes, totally clear," Peter stammered. "Now, I must get on. I've got so many things to do-" He hurried off down the corridor.

As Lee watched him retreat, the cockpit hatch swung open behind him.

"Thank you," said Emma in tones of deep relief. "He's been bugging me all day."

Lee turned to smile at her. "You're quite capable of getting rid of him yourself."

Emma smiled back, brushing her dark hair out of her eyes. "Yes, but you're so much better at being intimidating. You're the bad cop, I'm the good cop. That's how it works."

Lee couldn't help chuckling. Emma Lewis could always cheer him up. It was one of the reasons they'd worked together so long.

They'd met five years ago, hired as co-pilots on a long and boring supply run out to Tauron on the edge of the Colonial system. The time had passed surprisingly quickly, so much so that at the end of the trip they'd become partners and hired themselves out as a co-pilot team ever since. Emma had as little tolerance for inefficiency and incompetence as Lee did, and she shared his sense of humour. If there was one thing he could be glad for in this whole nightmarish situation, it was that he had Emma by his side.

"Well, that's solved one problem," she said, as he followed her into the cockpit. "And the President's office finally returned my calls while you were on your way up here. We'll be getting our water shipment tomorrow."

Lee flung himself into his chair with a sigh of relief. "Thank the gods for that." He grinned at her. "I told you we'd have more luck if you did the pestering. I think that guy Keikeya has a soft spot for you."

Emma pulled a face at him. "That's absolute rubbish."

"No, it's not. And don't pretend you haven't been doing your best to foster it. I've heard you flirting with him over the radio-"

"Shut up, Alex!" Emma threw her headset at him, but Lee ducked easily. "Just for that, you can go deal with problem number three."

"What's that?" said Lee warily.

"Give you one guess," said Emma tartly.

Lee groaned. "Mrs Hartley wants a meeting."

"Got it in one."

"What is it this time?" said Lee wearily. The self-appointed spokeswoman for their passengers never seemed to let a day pass without lodging one complaint or another.

"Oh, the usual whining," said Emma impatiently. "They don't have enough space-"

"We've cleared as much room in the hold as we could!"

"They're not getting enough food-"

"I've told her before we're dependent on the supply runs-"

"They're still waiting to see a doctor-"

"I put in a request with the President's office days ago and we're nearly at the top of the list." Lee looked at Emma pleadingly. "Can't you go?"

"Nope," said Emma firmly. "You were the one who insisted on bringing those people on board, Alex."

Lee stared at her. "Emma, we had to! Their ship didn't have FTL, and we had room – we couldn't just leave them behind to the Cylons."

Emma sighed, pushing her hair behind her ears. "I know, I know. We couldn't do anything else. But you have to admit they cause a lot of hassle."

"Yes, but…I can see their point of view. This ship wasn't designed to carry passengers, and the gods know how long they're going to be crammed into that hold."

"Well if you understand them so well, you go and listen to their problems," said Emma, turning back to her console.

Lee sighed. "Couldn't you-"

"No. Besides, Mrs Hartley likes you better than she does me. You remind her of her son," said Emma with a malicious glance.

Lee paled. "Gods save me." He got to his feet. "All right, then. But you can do the galley run and brave the grumbles from the crew."

"Fair enough." Emma turned to face him. "Seriously, Alex, are you all right? You're back so early, and you look…I don't know…strained. Is everything okay?"

Lee hesitated, unsure how to answer. For a moment he felt tempted to confide in her; Emma always gave good advice.

But…but it would be a difficult conversation, and he didn't feel up to it just now. Not with the prospect of Zak to face tomorrow. He just wanted to forget about Lee and be Alex again this evening.

"No, everything's not okay," he said finally. "But I'm dealing with it. I'll tell you about it later."

Emma looked concerned, but she just nodded in acceptance. She didn't pry. It was another reason they'd lasted as partners for so long.

Lee took a deep breath, and went to face Mrs Hartley.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Author's Note:** Thanks very much to everyone who has reviewed, I've had a busy week so haven't had time to reply to you all individually, so just wanted to say how much I appreciate it. I have this story all planned but still in the process of writing it, so I won't be updating quite as regularly as I have with my previous stories, but I will post at least one chapter each week.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

Lee took the second half of the night shift. It was Emma's turn on the schedule, but as he'd had most of the day off, he felt it was only fair. Besides, he knew that there was no way he was going to get much sleep in his current state of mind.

Emma arrived to relieve him at 0700, bringing breakfast with her – a protein bar, a dry biscuit and the half cup of water. Lee looked at it with resignation.

"When's the next supply run due?"

"Two days." Emma bit into her protein bar, pulling a face. "What do they put in these things?"

"Best not to ask," Lee muttered. He opted for the biscuit, which looked marginally more appetising. "It's going to be a long two days."

Emma opened her mouth to reply, but a noise from her console interrupted her.

"We're being hailed." She put on her headset. "Caprican Star here." There was a pause, and Emma's eyes widened in surprise. She glanced sideways at Lee. "One moment, please."

She put a hand over her mouthpiece and turned to Lee. "It's a raptor from the Galactica. And they're asking to see you." Her eyes were wide and concerned. "Did you get into some trouble on Cloud Nine?"

Lee shook his head hurriedly. "No trouble. It's okay, Emma. I was expecting a visit." Though not quite this early. Obviously Zak wasn't taking any chances. "Tell the pilot I'll meet them in the landing bay."

Emma's grey eyes were dark with confusion. "All right. But I want a full explanation later."

Lee nodded and left the cockpit, trying to ignore the way his heart was thumping.

----

He got to the landing bay just as Zak was stepping out of the raptor.

"Lee." Zak nodded curtly. "Glad to see you're still here."

"Told you I would be," said Lee sharply, although he supposed he couldn't blame Zak for thinking that. "Shall we go to my cabin? We can talk in private there."

"All right. Is there somewhere Kara can wait for me?"

Lee blinked as the woman he had played pool with the day before – she must be Zak's girlfriend – got down from the raptor, looking at him with coolly assessing eyes.

"Of course. I wasn't expecting you to bring company." He couldn't help feeling irritated at the intrusion. What was he going to do with her? He couldn't leave her in the galley or the common room. He didn't want half the ship knowing his private business.

Zak raised his eyebrows. "Well, I couldn't get here without someone to fly the raptor, Lee."

Lee's thoughts halted in surprise. "You aren't a pilot?" Seeing his brother in fleet uniform, he'd just assumed he was. It had always been their father's plan for both his sons.

"No." Something flickered in Zak's blue eyes that told Lee not to pursue the subject.

----

They left Kara in the cockpit with Emma. If she was going to gossip, Lee would rather she talked to Emma than anyone else. Emma wouldn't pass it on, and he was going to tell her everything later anyway. The hard look she shot him as he left with Zak told him in no uncertain terms that he wouldn't have any choice about that. Emma didn't pry, but she had her limits.

They went to Lee's cabin. The Caprican Star was an old ship, and it wasn't exactly spacious. Lee gestured Zak towards the only chair, and sat down on the edge of the bed.

For a moment they sat in awkward silence. Zak was wearing an uncomfortable expression that was vividly familiar. It was a strange kind of shock to see that expression on a man's face rather than a boy's, but at the same time it eased Lee, gave him a sense of connection between his little brother and the strange man in front of him.

"So, Kara's your girlfriend, is she?" Lee said finally, thinking a neutral topic might be the best place to start. "She plays a mean game of pool."

Zak smiled slightly. "She certainly does."

"You been together long?"

"Nearly two years, on and off. I wasn't stationed on Galactica before the attacks, so we didn't get to see as much of each other as we liked." Zak pulled a rueful face. "Suppose at least that's one good thing to come out of all this."

Lee shrugged. "You have to count your blessings where you can nowadays."

"I'm just glad Dad picked that day to retire. I would have gone down with the Atlantia otherwise."

Dad. Lee took a deep breath at the mention of his name. "Have you told him yet? About me?"

"No. I decided to wait until I got back to Galactica. Do it in person."

Everything inside Lee tensed at the thought. At the prospect of having to face his father, he could almost wish he had been blown up with the Colonies.

"Lee." He looked up and saw Zak was staring at him, a hard look on his face. "I have to tell him."

"I know."

"Dammit, Lee, he's our father! Do you have any idea what he's gone through all these years, not knowing what happened to you?"

A flicker of guilt raised its head, but Lee pushed it fiercely back down. "I'm surprised he even noticed I was gone."

"Shut the frak up." Lee jumped at the fury in Zak's voice, taken aback. He'd always been the one with the temper, not easy-going Zak.

"You don't know what the hell you're talking about," said Zak, glaring at Lee fiercely. "As soon as Mum called him with the news, he dropped everything and came home. He spent hours out on the streets trying to find you, put up posters asking for information, followed up every lead. Even when the police closed your case, he got private detectives onto it, tried everything he could."

Lee gripped the edge of the bed tightly, the metal digging into his skin. He'd never imagined his father would go to such trouble for him. Deep down, he'd always thought grimly that his parents had been glad to see the back of him. He'd never lived up to their expectations, after all.

"So don't try to pretend he didn't care," Zak went on. "He cared. He blamed himself, you know. Thought it was that fight you two had the week before you left that had pushed you into it."

_Blamed himself? You mean he actually admitted he was wrong about something?_ Lee thought sourly. But he didn't say it. He thought Zak might storm out if he did, and he didn't want that. He'd missed his brother too much.

"Was that why you left?" asked Zak, in a quieter tone.

Lee shifted uncomfortably, not wanting to reply. It was still hard to talk about it, even after all this time. But then he remembered the hurt on Zak's face yesterday with a renewed surge of guilt, and knew he had to make the effort to talk. He owed Zak an explanation.

"Partly," he said finally. "It didn't help."

"What was it about? He'd never say."

Lee sighed. "The school had called him and Mum in because my grades were slipping so badly. I was going to have to repeat the year."

"You were? But why? You always used to be top of your class," said Zak. "Bloody annoying it was too."

Lee couldn't help smiling at that. "Well, that year Mum had been…worse than usual. You remember."

"Yes." Zak's voice was strained. "I remember."

"She was spending most of the money Dad sent on booze. You remember there was a week where the heating got cut off?" Zak nodded. "That was because she hadn't paid the bill. And there was another time she ran out of money for food, and we had to live off meals from the freezer until Dad's next cheque arrived."

"Frozen pizza week," said Zak slowly. "I remember that. It seemed like fun at the time."

Lee stared down at the deck. He hadn't thought about any of this in years, had buried it firmly away. It hurt more than he had expected to drag it all up again.

"Well, after that incident, I got a job."

"At the mini-mart."

Lee nodded. "I was determined to get some money together, so I had enough to tide us over if anything like that happened again. But it wasn't very well-paid, so I did a lot of hours, and that didn't leave much time for studying. So I fell behind."

"What did Dad say about it?"

"You can probably guess. Lectured me about being lazy, wasting time instead of studying. How did I expect to get into Fleet Academy if I didn't apply myself? There was no room for time-wasters in the fleet, or in his family…" Lee trailed off bitterly.

"Why didn't you tell him the truth?"

"I couldn't." Lee tightened his grip on the bed. "I couldn't betray Mum to him like that. She may have had her faults, but at least she was there for us." _And she'd never have forgiven me for it. _

"Maybe it would have been better if she hadn't been," said Zak bitterly. "I certainly did better without her."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, after you left, Dad found out about her drinking anyway. It all came out in the police investigation, once they started talking to the neighbours. You know how thin the walls were in base housing."

"So what happened?"

"Dad persuaded Mum to get help. Got her into a rehab clinic."

Lee stared intently at the floor. "Did it work?"

"Eventually." Zak laughed roughly. "She told me once that it was the thought of you that got her through it. That when you came back she wanted you to find a mother who was sober." Lee looked up and saw the anger was back in his face. "But you never came back, did you? And it's too late now."

"Too late?" Something lodged in Lee's throat, making it difficult to force the words out. "You mean she isn't – she wasn't on Galactica for the retirement ceremony?"

"No, she wasn't there." Zak's voice was suddenly gentle. "She and Dad divorced years ago, so she was at home on Caprica. I'm sorry, Lee."

Lee felt tears pressing at his eyes. He turned away, not wanting Zak to see them.

He'd always thought that he would go back. One day. When he felt ready. But the years had passed, and he'd always put it off, never quite able to face it. And now it was too late. He'd never see his mother again.

A hand squeezed his shoulder, and he turned to look at Zak in surprise.

"I thought you were angry with me."

"I am." Zak smiled slightly. "Doesn't mean I don't sympathise. I understand why you left, Lee." He bit his lip. "That's not what I'm angry about."

"What is it then?"

Zak took a deep breath. "It's that – it's that you didn't tell me you were going. You just left without a word. Not even a goodbye." The hurt in his voice cut Lee to the heart. "I deserved that at least."

"I know you did." At least he could do something about this, Lee thought. At least it wasn't too late where Zak was concerned. "I couldn't tell you I was leaving, Zak, because I didn't know it myself."

"What?" Zak looked completely confused.

"I never planned to leave," said Lee slowly, remembering. "I – I left school as normal that day, and I started to walk home. And halfway there I thought – I just couldn't bear the thought of going home. Of listening to Mum scream at me, and putting on a cheerful face for you, and sorting out whatever crisis had happened. They'd told me that day I'd have to repeat that school year, and that meant I was a whole year farther away from getting out of there, from escaping everything. So I didn't want to go home. I just wanted to keep on walking, to walk away from everything. To go somewhere, anywhere else." He realised suddenly that his voice was shaking. It had all come flooding back, and he almost felt as if he was that desperate teenage boy again.

"So what did you do?" said Zak gently.

"I kept walking. I walked all the way across town to the station, and then I got on the first train to the city that came along. It was like I was in a daze. I wasn't really thinking about what I was doing or where I was going, I just knew I had to get as far away as possible."

"You obviously managed that," said Zak sharply. "You disappeared quite effectively."

"When I got to the city, I went straight to the spaceport. Managed to get a passage on a freighter going to Tauron." Lee smiled wryly. "You can imagine what kind of ship it was, willing to take on a sixteen year old with no papers. I was lucky to get to Tauron in one piece. I managed to pick up another ship there, and its pilot took a liking to me and took me under his wing. His son had moved on to another ship, and I think he was looking for a replacement. He offered to take me on as an apprentice, even got me false papers in a new name."

"And then?"

"I've been flying freighters ever since. When he retired, I flew on my own for a while, then I met Emma and we became partners."

"You've been on the move this whole time? No wonder Dad couldn't find you."

"Never stayed anywhere longer than a few weeks."

"Sounds lonely."

Lee shrugged. "It suits me. I like seeing new places. And I always wanted to fly." He smiled suddenly. "But don't tell Dad I said that."

"Wouldn't dream of it." Zak laughed, and it gave Lee the courage to ask a question.

"So what happened to you – afterwards?" He was afraid he wasn't going to like the answer. He'd never forgiven himself for leaving Zak in the situation he'd abandoned.

"Well, as I said, Mum went into rehab. So Dad got me into one of those fleet boarding schools."

"I'm sorry." Lee felt acutely guilty.

Zak looked surprised. "Why? I liked it, in fact. I made lots of friends there."

"Those places are very regimented."

"Oh, they're not so bad once you know how to bend the rules." Zak grinned, and Lee had the sudden suspicion he'd been the bane of his teachers lives. "In fact, I found the routine kind of – reassuring. It made a nice change from the chaos at home." His eyes met Lee's in complete understanding. "You don't have to feel sorry for me, Lee. I was fine. And Dad used to make sure he had leave during my holidays, even when Mum had recovered."

"Really?" Lee couldn't hide his surprise.

"Really. I think he felt he'd let you down, and he was determined not to repeat his mistakes. See, running away was the best thing you ever did for me." Zak tried to smile, but it didn't quite reach his eyes.

Lee reached out hesitantly to put his hand on Zak's shoulder, and was relieved when his brother didn't pull away.

"Zak, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for leaving you, and I'm even sorrier for not coming back. You're right, I should have at least got in touch to let you know I was okay."

"Why didn't you?"

Lee hesitated, but Zak deserved the truth, no matter how hard it was to say. "Because I was afraid," he admitted in a low voice. "I suppose…it was just easier to bury my old life away, pretend it had never existed. Because the thought of going back, of facing you all, just hurt too much. I was too much of a coward to do it," he finished, voice thick with self-disgust.

"I understand," said Zak quietly. He put his hand over Lee's. "But at least we've found each other again now, Lee. That's all that matters."

Their eyes met, and Lee saw with surprise that it was true; Zak did understand. But then he supposed he shouldn't be surprised; Zak had always known him better than anyone else.

He took his hand away from Zak's shoulder, and sought for a lighter topic.

"So you joined the fleet, I see," he said, looking at Zak's uniform. "And a Captain, no less."

Zak shrugged, but his eyes were bright. "Only just. I got my promotion two days before the attacks."

"Dad must be proud." Lee tried to keep his voice neutral. So one of his sons had lived up to Bill Adama's expectations.

"He is. Though I think he's still a little disappointed that I didn't become a pilot."

"He didn't try to push you into it?"

"No." Zak laughed at the surprise on Lee's face. "I told you he'd changed. He was so worried he'd pushed you too hard, he backed off entirely with me. I did apply for flight school in fact, but I didn't get in." He shrugged carefully. "Doesn't matter. Navigation and computers are much more my thing, anyway."

Lee grinned. "You certainly used to spend hours in your room picking them to pieces. It came in useful, then?"

"Yes. I calculate all the FTL jumps, sort out any problems with the computer systems – although they're pretty basic ones on Galactica – and run CIC when Dad and Tigh aren't there."

"Saul Tigh? He's still around?" Lee raised his eyebrows. "I'd thought he must have drunk himself to death by now."

Zak laughed. "Dad won't let him."

"Must be weird, serving under Dad."

"I suppose. To be honest, it hasn't really had time to sink in yet. Nothing has." Zak's face was suddenly sombre.

"I know exactly what you mean," said Lee, and they smiled at each other.

Something warmed inside Lee, and he suddenly felt more at peace than he had for years. Their world had been shattered beyond repair and their future was dark and uncertain, but for a moment none of it mattered.

Because he had his brother back.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

Zak headed to his father's office as soon as he returned to Galactica. Dad had been waiting too many years for news of Lee; he wasn't going to make him wait any longer.

He found his heart was thumping as he headed down the corridors, wondering how his father was going to react to the news. Would he be as angry with Lee as Zak himself had been?

If that was the case he hoped Dad would wait until he calmed down before going to see Lee. Zak could just imagine the sparks that would fly if he didn't. Dad and Lee had always had a stormy relationship.

Lost in his thoughts, it took him a second to realise someone was calling his name.

"Zak!"

He blinked and shook himself out of his thoughts. "Hey, Dee."

Anastasia Dualla smiled at him, her eyes dancing. "So, Zak, did you have a good time on leave? You seem very…preoccupied. Lost in happy memories, perhaps?"

Zak found himself grinning back. "I'm shocked you should suggest such a thing, Petty Officer."

"I wasn't suggesting anything, Captain." Dee's face was a picture of innocence. "Just hoping you had a good time."

"I did, thank you." Zak smiled at her teasing. He'd felt like a fish out of water on Galactica the last few weeks, the stranger among a close-knit crew, and he'd worked hard to try to fit in. The fact that Dee felt able to tease him was a good sign. She was the person he'd been working with most in CIC, and he'd hoped they could be friends.

"Are you off to the mess?" Dee asked.

"No, I need to see my father. I'll catch up with you later, though."

"Look forward to it. I'll probably be in the pilots' rec room later. There's a triad game on tonight."

"Isn't there always?" Zak rolled his eyes as he continued on down the corridor.

He enjoyed the odd game of triad, but he didn't feel the need to play every night like Kara did. He'd never realised she was so fanatical about triad before. Seeing her every day was teaching him a lot about her that he hadn't known from only seeing her every few months.

He knocked on the hatch to his father's office and waited for the command to enter.

Bill Adama was sitting with Chief Tyrol, going over some reports. He looked surprised to see Zak. "Back from Cloud Nine already, Captain? I thought you weren't due back till this evening."

"I know. Something came up. I need to talk to you."

Bill's eyes met his, silently asking if it was important. Zak nodded, and his father turned to Tyrol.

"Sorry, Chief, looks like we'll have to finish this up later."

Tyrol saluted and left, looking at Zak curiously as he passed.

Bill turned to Zak, braced for bad news. "What is it? Problems on Cloud Nine? Cylons? More discontent in the fleet?"

Zak took a deep breath. "Nothing like that, Dad. This is a personal matter, not military."

"Oh." Bill's posture relaxed and he gestured Zak to a seat. Zak could see him changing from commanding officer into father mode. "What is it?"

"Dad." Zak leaned forward, eyes fixed on Bill's face. "Dad, I've found Lee."

Bill went absolutely still. For a moment he just stared at Zak.

"What?" It was almost a whisper.

"Lee. He's here in the fleet. I've seen him."

His father continued to stare at him, frozen. "You've _seen_ him?"

"Yes." Zak tried to smile. "I walked into a bar on Cloud Nine, and there he was. Playing pool with Kara, of all things."

A spark lit in his father's eyes. "You're sure?"

"Yes, Dad, I'm sure. It's definitely Lee. I've spoken to him."

Something cracked in Bill's face. He gave a long shuddering breath, and then abruptly turned away.

Zak was stunned for a moment. He leaned forward in his chair, unsure what to do. He'd never seen his father's emotions crumble like this before.

For a moment he hesitated, and then decided to go with his instincts. He reached out for his father's hand and grasped it firmly.

Bill's hand was tense and rigid for a moment, and then he turned his fingers and returned Zak's grip. Zak's heart soared with relief.

For several moments they sat there in silent understanding. Then Zak heard Bill take another deep breath. He turned back towards Zak, face restored to its usual calm.

"Is he all right?"

"Yes, he's fine."

"Where is he?"

"On the Caprican Star." Zak grinned. "He's a freighter pilot, if you can believe it."

Bill smiled at that. "Just shows you can't keep an Adama out of the skies."

The words made Zak flinch slightly, but his father didn't seem to notice.

"You said you spoke to him." Zak nodded. "Did he tell you…what happened to him?"

"Yes."

"Tell me."

Zak told him everything Lee had said. Well, the important things, anyway. The story obviously had a deep effect on his father; he was gritting his teeth at some moments and biting his lip at others, but he didn't lose control again. Nothing ever knocked his father down for long, thought Zak, with a mixture of admiration and envy.

When he finished, Bill rose to his feet.

"Phone the Chief and tell him to get me a raptor. I'm going to the Caprican Star."

Zak blinked. "Now?"

His father stared at him. "Of course. I've waited ten years to see my son. I'm not going to wait any longer. Tell Chief I want that raptor in ten minutes." He strode purposefully out.

Zak made the call to the Chief. He replaced the receiver on the handset and stood there staring at it for a moment.

He wished his father could have stayed a little longer. There were things he wanted to talk to him about. It had been such a shock, seeing Lee again, and his father was the only one who could really understand that.

Zak shook his head abruptly, irritated with himself. He was being ridiculous. Dad hadn't seen Lee for so long, of course his only thought was to see him as soon as possible. It was only natural, and it was ridiculous to feel like this. It was only…it had been just him and Dad for so long. It was going to feel odd to share him again.

He brushed the thoughts away and went to find Kara.

----

"Well?" asked Lee nervously. Emma had been silent for a full two minutes – he'd counted.

Emma blinked at him. "Well, what?"

"I don't know, just say something!" Lee felt almost physically sick with the tension. Emma was his closest friend – well, his only friend, really. He couldn't bear the thought of losing her over this. He wasn't sure that even having Zak back was worth that.

"I don't know what to say," said Emma slowly. "I knew you were keeping secrets from me, but-"

"You did?"

She shot him an impatient glance. "Of course I did! Gods, Alex, I'm not stupid. You think I didn't notice that you never spoke about your childhood or your family?"

"Oh." Lee felt embarrassed. "Sorry."

Emma shrugged. "It didn't bother me. I figured you had your reasons. We all have things in our past we don't like to talk about." A wistful expression crossed her face. "It was none of my business unless you decided to tell me."

Despite her words, Lee felt acutely guilty. "Emma, I'm sorry. It's not that I didn't trust you-"

"I know," she said quietly, and Lee could see the sincerity in her eyes. The crushing fist around his heart eased slightly.

"It was just too hard to talk about," he said quietly. "It was easier to pretend that none of it had ever happened."

"I can believe that." Emma looked at him wryly. "You've always been good at blocking out things you don't want to deal with."

Lee shifted uncomfortably.

"What I find hardest to take in," she went on, "is that Alex isn't your real name. I just can't think of you as anything else."

Lee tried to smile at her. "You can still call me that. I don't mind."

She looked at him curiously. "What _is_ your real name, anyway?"

"Lee." Odd; it had felt strange to be called Lee after so long when Zak had done it, but it didn't feel strange when he himself said it. Maybe because throughout all these years as Alex, deep inside he had never stopped thinking of himself as Lee. "Lee Adama."

"_Adama_?" Emma's jaw dropped and she sat bolt upright. "Your name is _Adama_?"

"Yes."

"As in _Commander Adama_? Of the Galactica?"

Lee nodded. This was one thing he really hadn't missed about his old name. "He's my father."

"Your father?" Emma's voice rose so high it almost cracked. "But – but then you knew he was here. In the fleet. From the time we got to Ragnar."

"Yes." Lee was puzzled. He couldn't quite see what she was getting at.

"And you didn't go to see him?"

"Of course not." Lee frowned. Hadn't she been listening to him? "I told you, I hadn't seen any of them for ten years. And I never got on with Dad…"

"For gods' sake, Alex, listen to yourself!" Emma exploded. Her cheeks had flushed bright red. "It's the end of the frakking world! If there was ever a time to forget about old grudges, this is it."

"Emma…"

"Do you know how much I wish I could find some of my family out in this fleet?" Emma's eyes were dark with emotion. "Do you know what I would give to see any of them again, even for a few minutes? And you – you – your father and brother are both alive and you don't even bother to go and see them!"

Her voice broke, and Lee could see tears in her eyes.

"Emma-" He felt about an inch tall. Everything she had said was absolutely right. He had been ungrateful and selfish, and worst of all, a coward. He should have gone to see his father as soon as he could.

Emma swiped at her eyes impatiently. "Well, this ends right now. You are getting straight on the shuttle and going to the Galactica to see your father. He doesn't deserve to wait any longer."

"You're right." Lee got to his feet. The thought of seeing his father made his stomach twist with apprehension, but he had to do it. As Emma said, it was the end of the world. He'd already lost his opportunity with his mother. He couldn't do the same with his father.

As he headed towards the hatch, the comms beeped, and Emma reached for her headset.

"Caprican Star…Alex!"

Her tone halted Lee in mid-stride. He turned, as she flipped the transmission onto the cockpit speakers.

"Caprican Star, this is Raptor 349. I have Commander Adama on board to see one of your pilots. Requesting permission to dock."

A broad smile spread across Emma's face as she looked at Lee.

"Looks like your dad beat you to it," she said softly, before returning to her official tones. "Raptor 349, you have permission to dock."

Lee felt dazed. He couldn't believe his father had actually come to see him. Despite what Zak had said, part of him had believed that his father would never want to see him again after what had happened. After all, he had let his father and the family down. Adamas didn't run away from their problems. Adamas faced up to them and fought it out. That was what Dad had always said, and Lee had spectacularly failed to live up to that.

"Well, don't just stand there," said Emma tartly, snapping him out of his daze. "Get down to that landing bay. Don't keep him waiting any longer."

----

The raptor had already docked when he got to the landing bay. As Lee entered, he saw the raptor door swing open, and then a familiar figure stepped out.

Lee's breath caught in his throat.

His father looked older. There were lines on his face that Lee didn't remember, and his hair was nearly completely grey now. But his stance as he looked around the landing bay was as straight and confident as ever.

Then his eyes fell on Lee where he stood by the hatch, and he went completely still.

Lee walked forward, his heart thumping loudly. Bill still didn't move; he just stood there, eyes fixed on Lee's face as if he could hardly believe what he was seeing. Those eyes hadn't changed either; they were still sharp and piercing, making Lee feel as if they could see right through him. He lifted his chin and forced himself to keep moving forward. He could do this. He could.

He came to a halt directly in front of his father, and Bill finally moved. He put out a hand and rested it on Lee's shoulder. It felt tentative, almost as if he thought Lee might disappear at his touch.

"Lee?" he said hoarsely, and the same doubt was in his voice too.

A lump rose in Lee's throat. He realised that what Zak said had been true; his father_ had_ missed him. The evidence was right there in his face for Lee to read.

"Yes Dad," he said, and found his voice was shaking. "Yes, it's me," and stared in amazement as his father's face crumpled.

"Dad-" He couldn't think what to say.

His father stepped forward and pulled him into a hug. His arms wrapped round Lee so tightly that it almost hurt.

Lee stood still for a moment, rigid with astonishment. He couldn't remember his father ever hugging him before, certainly not anywhere public. It wasn't his way.

He suddenly realised that Bill was murmuring something into his ear.

"It's really you, you're really here. Thank the gods you're okay, son…"

The words pierced Lee's daze, broke the last resistance inside him. He brought his arms up to return the hug, and buried his head against his father's shoulder.

"Yes, it's me. I'm sorry I stayed away so long, Dad, I'm so sorry…"

"It's alright." His father's voice was rough with emotion. "You're here now, Lee. It's alright."

----

Lee took his father to his cabin so they could talk in privacy. Bill sat down on the chair, Lee perched on the bed, and for a moment they just sat there staring at each other awkwardly. In the landing bay the strength of their emotions had flattened the barriers between them for a moment, but now it was different. The walk to the cabin had given them both time to regain their control. Lee could see embarrassment in his father's face at having displayed his feelings so openly, and he felt the same way himself.

"I don't know where to start," said Bill finally, breaking the silence. "Ten years…it's such a long time. So much has changed." He sighed.

Lee looked at his father curiously. "You don't seem angry with me," he said hesitantly.

Bill looked confused. "Should I be?"

"I thought you would be," said Lee quietly. He stared down at his clenched hands. "I let you down. I should have faced up to my problems, instead of running away like a coward. I shouldn't have left."

"No you shouldn't have," said Bill, and Lee braced himself for the onslaught. "You should have come to me for help, that's what you should have done."

Lee's head jerked up at that. His father's voice was thick with regret, and there was no anger in his face.

"You should have come to me," Bill repeated painfully, "but you didn't feel you could, and I have no-one but myself to blame for that."

"Dad-"

"No, Lee. We both know it's true. If I'd made the effort to spend more time with you, if we'd been closer, you would have told me what was going on with your mother." He laughed bitterly. "Hell, you shouldn't have_ had_ to tell me. I should have seen what was happening for myself, and I would have if I'd bothered to pay attention."

Lee stared at his father, bewildered. He didn't know what to say. His father was saying exactly what Lee had spent years thinking, was taking all the blame Lee had assigned to him for what had happened, but strangely he took no satisfaction from it. He almost felt the urge to comfort his father instead.

"I'm the one who let_ you_ down," said Bill heavily, and the pain in his face spurred Lee into speech.

"Dad, it wasn't all your fault."

"Wasn't it?"

"No," said Lee firmly. "Mum was the one who started drinking."

Bill's face set hard. "And whose fault was it that she was unhappy enough to do that?"

"Dad, don't."

"I didn't pay enough attention to her, either."

"Maybe not, but that doesn't make everything your fault." Lee could hardly believe he was arguing this, but he meant it. "There are other ways to deal with unhappiness than to drink and take your anger out on your kids. That was Mum's choice, not yours."

Bill looked at him, and the corners of his mouth twitched. "You seem very certain."

"I am."

The smile grew further. "You've got very bossy."

Lee tried to smile back. "I must take after my old man."

They sat in comfortable silence for a moment, and Lee managed to get out something he felt he had to say.

"I am sorry for not coming back earlier, Dad. I know I should have. I just didn't think…the things Zak said yesterday made me realise what I must have put you and Mum through, not knowing where I was. I'm sorry."

He took a deep breath, feeling lighter now he had said it. He looked at his father nervously, waiting for his reaction.

Bill sighed. "I can't deny it was hard. For your mother especially…I wish she could have known…"

Lee looked abruptly away, blinking back the tears that rose to his eyes. "I know. I can't believe she's really gone."

"Neither can I." His father paused, and Lee could almost feel him pulling himself together. "But the three of us are still here, and I can only be grateful for that. Lee, look at me."

Lee got his face under control and turned. His father was smiling at him.

"It's so odd, seeing you all grown up. Of course, I knew you were, but-"

"I know exactly what you mean." Lee found himself smiling back. "I still can't believe Zak's taller than me."

Adama laughed. "All that food he ate had to go somewhere." His face sobered. "Lee, I just wanted to say…we both made mistakes in the past. But we can't do anything about that, can't go back and change things. So there's no point dwelling on it. We need to think about the future." He held out his hand, eyes fixed on Lee's face. "So what do you say? Fresh start?"

Lee hesitated. He wondered if it was really going to be that easy. He knew that he hadn't really changed that much, and he wondered if his father had either. The problems between them hadn't all been due to the situation with his mother, and he wasn't sure they wouldn't return once the initial glow of reunion had worn off. He'd had ten years of answering to no-one but himself, and he didn't think he could slip back into the role of William Adama's son that simply.

But the look in his father's eyes was almost pleading, and Lee couldn't resist it. So he buried his doubts, and took his father's hand. Gripped it firmly.

"Yes, Dad. Fresh start."


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note ** This chapter is for bowedbassgirl, I hope it satisfies her Kara craving!

**Chapter Six**

The thing Kara Thrace hated most about the end of the world was being the CAG.

She knew it was irrational. With all the terrible things that had happened – the destruction of the colonies, billions of people dead, water and fuel shortages, the Cylons snapping constantly at their heels – the trials of being promoted to CAG shouldn't even register.

But they did. Only a few weeks ago she'd been Lieutenant Thrace, with no responsibilities other than flying her viper and trying not to fall asleep during briefings. Then the cylons attacked, and before she knew it she was the most senior pilot left, and the Old Man was promoting her to captain and appointing her as CAG. A job she had never been trained for and had certainly never wanted.

Now she had responsibilities coming out of her ears. Flight schedules to draw up, mountains of paperwork to do, complaining pilots to deal with, and best of all, daily briefings with Tigh.

Some days – hell, most days – she just wanted it all to go away. Had desperate urges to do something crazy and get herself thrown into hack just to get a break from it all. Wanted to bang her whinging pilots' heads together or tell Tigh he could draw up the frakking flight schedules himself if he was going to be so picky about them.

But so far she hadn't. She'd managed to keep herself going.

One reason for that was pride. She knew Tigh and a few others in the crew thought Adama had made a big mistake promoting her, and were just waiting for her to screw up, and she wasn't going to give them the satisfaction.

The other reason was that she refused to let the Old Man down. He had such faith in her – he always had, from the moment he'd offered her a slot on Galactica after she'd been kicked out of her flight instructor post for disorderly behaviour. Kara had never understood why he had such faith in her, or why he'd given her that second chance, but she valued it. No-one else in her life had ever shown such trust in her, or believed she had it in her to be more than she was. She couldn't betray that trust, she just couldn't.

So she gritted her teeth at Tigh's criticisms, restrained herself to verbally thrashing her troublesome pilots, and struggled doggedly through the paperwork.

She'd just thought she was beginning to get a handle on things when the accident in the hangar bay happened.

----

The day after the funerals the Commander summoned her to his quarters.

"We need to talk about the pilot situation, Starbuck. How bad is it?"

"Bad," said Kara honestly. "We lost thirteen pilots and another seven are still in life station." She kept her voice resolutely steady, trying not to think about the friends she had lost, or see their faces. She was the CAG now, and that meant she didn't have the luxury of grief. She had to think about schedules and contingency plans. "That doesn't leave enough pilots to maintain the CAP. And if the Cylons show up…"

"Gods help us," said Bill grimly. "And while the water operation is going on, we're stuck here."

"How much longer is that likely to be?"

Bill frowned. "The end isn't in sight yet. We've only got about half the water we need."

"The Chief didn't think it would take so long."

"It wouldn't – with willing workers. But although the prisoners agreed to do the work after Zarek's death, they're dragging their heels over it as much as possible. Their way of showing their anger, I suppose."

Kara shifted uncomfortably at the mention of Zarek's death. She'd been in charge of the team that had gone to the Astral Queen to recruit the prisoners. Zarek had staged a riot and they'd all been taken hostage.

It had ended in Zarek being shot by a sniper. After his death, the fight had gone out of the rest of the prisoners, and the marines had subdued them, though several more had been killed in the process. So had Specialist Cally, who had been one of the hostages.

Kara didn't feel regret at Zarek's death. As far as she was concerned, Zarek was a murderer and he had got what he deserved. It was just…she couldn't help wondering if there was something she could have done differently. Some way she could have saved Cally, if nothing else. But she didn't see what. She had done the best she could.

She shook the thoughts away, and returned to the current problem.

"We need more pilots. But I don't know where we're going to find them."

"I've asked Zak to liaise with the President's office and draw up a list of all the civilians in the fleet with flying experience," said Bill. "There must be some potential pilots out there somewhere. And fortunately, we already have a flight instructor." He smiled at her.

"Who got fired," Kara reminded him.

"As far as I'm aware, that had nothing to do with the quality of your teaching. I heard good reports of you back then. And I'm sure you won't let me down."

"No, I won't," said Kara, although her heart sank. She had no idea how she was going to squeeze training new nuggets in among all the other duties she had to do. For a moment she wished she could just close her eyes and never open them again.

But she couldn't. "I'll go and talk to Zak," she said briskly. "See what he's found."

Before Bill could reply there was a knock on the hatch.

"Enter!" said Bill, and the hatch swung open to reveal Lee Adama, or the Long Lost Brother, as Kara had taken to calling him in her head. She knew he'd been visiting Zak and his father regularly, but she hadn't seen him in person since that day on the Caprican Star.

She certainly would never have picked him out as Zak's brother. They had the same vivid blue eyes, but apart from that there was no similarity whatsoever. Lee must take after his mother's side of the family.

"Lee! Come on in." Bill's face lit up in a way that made Kara's eyes widen slightly.

Lee glanced at Kara, looking awkward. "I didn't mean to interrupt anything, Dad. I can wait outside until you're finished."

"No need, we were about done here anyway." Bill turned to Kara, back in official mode. "Have a look through Zak's list and pick out some suitable candidates. We need to get moving on this as soon as possible."

"Yes, sir." Kara stood up and saluted.

Lee smiled as she passed him. "Hi, Kara. Good to see you again."

"You too," she said, and left them alone.

She'd have to get Zak to arrange for the three of them to meet up sometime, she thought as she went in search of him. She'd like to get to know his brother better; they'd had a fun evening playing pool together before. Besides, she was curious to see him and Zak together.

She still couldn't believe that Zak had never told her about him. Sure, theirs had always been a long distance relationship, but she had thought they were pretty close despite that. Yet it seemed there was this huge part of his life he had never mentioned to her, and it hurt. Made her feel that he didn't trust her, or that she wasn't important enough for him to tell his secrets too.

_Pot calling the kettle black, Kara,_ she thought wryly. _There are a hell of a lot of things you've never told him, either._

But that was different, another part of her argued. Those were painful, ugly things, best left buried. There was no comparison between them at all.

----

She found Zak in the mess hall, drinking a cup of coffee while he frowned over a pile of reports.

"If the wind changes, you'll get stuck like that," she said, pulling out the chair opposite him.

He looked up and smiled. "You'd love me anyway."

"Yes, but I wouldn't take you out in public." Kara grinned. "Your father said you had a list of potential pilots for me. He wants me to pick some suitable nuggets."

"Oh, yes. It's in here somewhere." Zak started rummaging through his pile of papers. He eventually pulled out two dog-eared sheets and handed them to her.

Kara stared at them. "What did you do with these? Eat your dinner off them?"

"I dropped them on the hangar deck. They got a bit dirty."

"A bit?" Kara stared at the smears of grease across the papers. "I can barely make out the names." She felt suddenly irritated. "Couldn't you have been more careful? I've got little enough time as it is without having to spend hours trying to decipher this."

"Kara, calm down." Zak lifted his hands pacifyingly, looking slightly bewildered. "It's still perfectly readable. You're over-reacting."

"I'm over-reacting?" Kara could feel her temper kindling. "Really? Half my pilots are dead. I've got birds sitting empty in the hangar bay until I recruit and train nuggets to fly them, and gods know where I'm going to find the time to do that. I don't think I'm over-reacting!"

She almost yelled the final words, and saw a couple of CIC officers at a nearby table look over at them curiously. Kara sent them a full force glare and they hurriedly looked away.

"Kara." Zak was looking irritated now. "If you need help with the CAG's duties, you should just say so."

"What?" Kara felt an unexpected stab of pain. "So you don't think I can do it either." Of course he didn't, she thought numbly. Why had she expected anything else?

"Do what?"

"Be the CAG. You think I can't cope with the job, just like everyone else."

"I don't think that at all!" Zak tried to reach for her hand, but she pulled it away. "I know you can do it, Kara, of course I do."

"Of course." Kara smiled thinly. "You've got so much faith that you think I need to ask for help."

"Only because the CAG doesn't usually have to act as the flight instructor as well." Zak sounded exasperated. "Stop twisting my words, Kara."

Kara looked at him uncertainly. Maybe he did mean it.

"But I still can't ask for help," she muttered. "Tigh would certainly read it as a sign that I can't cope."

"Make it unofficial, then. I could always help."

"You? Zak, you're not a pilot. What do you know about the CAG duties?"

Kara spoke without thinking. Then she saw the hurt flare across his face and could have bitten her tongue off. She should have known better. She knew how sensitive he was about not having made it into flight school.

"Zak, I didn't mean-"

He cut her off. "I could have helped with some of the paperwork. I'm sure you don't need to be a pilot to do that."

"Zak-"

"Don't worry about it. Forget I said anything." He stood up, gathering his papers together with sharp, angry movements. "Next time, I won't bother to offer."

Kara scrambled for the words to apologise, but he was gone before she could get them out.

She picked up his discarded coffee and drained it, cursing inwardly. Why couldn't she learn to keep her mouth shut? Zak was about the only good thing in her life at the moment, and she couldn't afford to screw it up.

----

Zak got back to his rack that evening to find Kara lying there waiting for him, a cigar resting on her chest.

She held it out to him with an uncertain smile. "Peace offering?"

Zak sat down on the edge of the bunk, sighing. "There was no need for you to jump down my throat before, Kara. I was just trying to help."

Her smile faded away. "I know." She looked down. "Look, Zak, I'm sorry. Can't we just forget about it?"

"All right." He knew they ought to talk about it, about why she felt the need to push him away every time he tried to help her, but he just didn't have the energy at the moment. "It's forgotten."

He began to unlace his boots, yawning. It had been a long day. Well, every day was, these days. Without a full complement of crew, everyone was working long shifts.

"So how was the family meal?" Kara asked. She still sounded tense.

"Surprising," said Zak after a moment. "Dad and Lee actually seem to be getting along for the first time in their lives." He began to unbutton his jacket.

"You say that like it's a bad thing."

Zak's hands halted. "Of course not! It's just…weird. I can't quite believe it's happening. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells, waiting for an explosion."

"Maybe there won't be one."

"Maybe." Zak didn't really believe that though. More like the calm before the storm. Dad and Lee just hadn't found anything to fight about yet. As soon as one of them did something the other didn't like, he had no doubt hostilities would resume. And he'd be stuck in the middle as usual.

He pulled off his jacket and searched for another topic of conversation.

"So, did you find any potential nuggets in that list I gave you?"

"Some. A few shuttle pilots, one flight school drop-out…well, at least he'll have been in a viper before." Kara pulled a face. "Not much, but they're the best we've got, gods help us."

"I'm sure you'll whip them into shape," said Zak, and found himself smiling at the image that conjured up. "Though not literally."

Kara giggled. "I don't know…it could be effective. Not sure your dad would think much of it though."

"I'm really beginning to pity these poor nuggets." Zak got up to hang his uniform in his locker.

"Actually, there was one name I was surprised not to see on the list."

"Oh?" Zak cursed as a pile of dirty socks fell out of his locker and crouched down to stuff them back in. "Who?"

"Your brother."

"Lee?" Zak turned to look at her, the socks forgotten. "Why did you think he'd be on the list?"

"Well, he's a shuttle pilot. I was surprised you'd left him off."

"I didn't think he'd be interested," said Zak dismissively, turning away.

"I do. That night I met him on Cloud Nine, he told me about going in a viper sim once, and I could tell he'd like to try the real thing. Why don't you ask him?"

"Kara." Zak stuffed everything back into his locker and slammed it shut before anything fell out again. "I don't think Lee's interested in joining the military. He's quite happy where he is."

"What does that matter?" Kara snapped. "We need viper pilots, and soon, or we're all going to be happy and dead. Ask him."

"Kara…" Zak wasn't sure quite why he was so reluctant about this. He just didn't like the idea of Lee joining the fleet, of being on Galactica. He'd rather he stayed at a safe distance on the Caprican Star.

_Safe distance?_ The words jolted him. Why had he thought that? Surely he didn't feel threatened by Lee, did he?

Of course not. He was too old for that kind of sibling rivalry. He wasn't a teenager any more.

"Just ask him, Zak," Kara said again. "I think he'd do it, and I think he'd be good."

Zak searched for a plausible reason to refuse, but he couldn't come up with one.

"All right," he said finally. "I'll ask him."


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven**

Zak was tempted not to mention joining the fleet to Lee at all, but he knew Kara would be asking him what Lee had said, and he'd never been much good at lying to her. So the next time Lee visited Galactica, he suggested a stop at the observation lounge on the way from their father's quarters back to the hangar bay.

Lee agreed readily enough. "Sounds good. I'm in no hurry to get back to the Caprican Star. Our water rations are late again, and the passengers are complaining bitterly."

"Really?" Zak raised his eyebrows. "I thought things would have improved now the water recovery operation is in progress."

Lee shrugged. "I'm sure they will eventually. But it's taking time to distribute the water amongst the fleet, and it's the larger ships or the ones with vital facilities like the mining ships that receive priority. We're just an ordinary freighter, way down the list."

"I'm sure Dad could help out," said Zak without thinking.

"I'm sure he could." Lee's face set in a frown. "But I'm not going to use our relationship to get special treatment. I'm surprised you suggested it." He looked at Zak with disapproval, and Zak shifted awkwardly. Damn Lee and his high principles.

"I wasn't thinking," he muttered. Fortunately they were interrupted by a shout from a group of crewmen jogging down the corridor.

Zak and Lee shifted to the wall out of their way. The joggers all turned to stare at the brothers as they passed, faces bright with curiosity.

Lee looked after them for a moment, a puzzled expression on his face.

"Why were they all staring at us like that?"

Zak laughed. "So they can tell their mates in the mess that they actually got a look at you up close."

Lee turned to stare at him, looking confused. "What?"

"Don't be so clueless, Lee. Don't you know you're the number one topic of gossip on this ship?"

"Me? Why?"

"Are you kidding?" Clever as Lee was, he could be incredibly dense when it came to some things. "The commander's mysterious long-lost son…it's better than a soap opera."

"Oh my gods." Lee went pale.

Zak chuckled. "You should hear some of the rumours going round. I think my favourite is the one where Dad had you shut away in a hospital because you had some hideous genetic condition, but the one where you ran away to join Zarek's freedom fighters is a close second."

"_What_?" Now Lee looked like he was on the verge of choking. "And you think this is _funny_?"

"Funniest thing I've heard for a long time," said Zak lazily. Gods, he'd missed winding Lee up like this.

"Why haven't you set them straight?"

"Bit hard to do that," said Zak, opening the hatch to the observation lounge. "I mean, no-one actually says any of this to my face. I get it all from Kara."

They stepped through the hatch, and Zak closed it behind him. He heard Lee draw a breath, but he didn't start speaking.

"Lee?" Zak turned to find his brother staring out of the wide glass window, transfixed.

"That's a hell of a view," his brother said quietly.

Zak nodded. Half the fleet was spread out before them, dozens of ships in a medley of shapes and sizes. Shuttles and raptors darted between them, like minnows in a fast flowing stream. Behind them all were the stars, burning brightly against the dark.

The sight made Zak's breath catch too, but it also made him sad.

"It's a good thing you like it," he said slowly. "Because it's the only view we've got now."

That drew Lee's attention away from the glass. He turned to look at Zak, his eyes dark with sympathy.

"We'll get through this, Zak."

Zak smiled bitterly. "Will we?"

"Yes." Lee stepped towards him, his face set with determination. "Because if we start believing otherwise, then the Cylons have already won."

Zak sat down on one of the chairs, letting his breath out in a long sigh. "You're right. I know you're right. It's just hard to keep going sometimes. We've lost so much."

"Not everything." Lee sat down beside him and put a hand on his arm. "You've still got Dad. And me, now."

Zak found himself smiling reluctantly. Lee's tone was so familiar. It was the exact one he had used when Zak was a child and upset about some disappointment or other. For a moment Zak almost felt as if he was that young boy again, who had believed his big brother could solve all his problems.

Only for a moment. Because he wasn't, and Lee couldn't. But it comforted him all the same.

"And you've got Kara," Lee was saying, still in that determinedly cheerful tone. "How did you meet her, anyway?"

Zak let himself be distracted. "Visiting Dad on one of my leaves. He got held up with some paperwork, and I drifted into the rec room while I was waiting for him and watched Kara decimating a triad table." He smiled reminiscently. "It was just something about the way she did it – she was so brilliant and confident and amazing…I could hardly take my eyes off her. Dazzled at first sight."

He grinned, and tried not to let sadness tinge it as he thought that he didn't often see that side of Kara now. Not out of the cockpit, anyway. Since she'd been made CAG some of that spark seemed to have gone out of her. She was edgy and burdened, and she didn't smile as often as she used to.

"So you asked her out there and then?" Lee's question jolted him out of his thoughts.

"Yes." That memory made him smile again. "Took three attempts before she accepted though. Good thing I'm persistent."

Lee grinned. "Adamas don't give up that easily."

"Sure don't." Zak stretched his legs out in front of him, sighing. Talking of Kara reminded him what he'd brought Lee here for. Time to get on with it.

"Kara's got some problems at the moment." He told Lee about the accident in the hangar bay, and the consequences. "We need more viper pilots, and fast. Dad asked me to draw up a list of everyone in the fleet who had experience of piloting small craft…"

He watched Lee out of the corner of his eye and knew the exact moment his brother realised where this was going. He stiffened in his chair, turning to look at Zak incredulously.

"You're not suggesting that _I_-"

"You're a licensed shuttle pilot."

"That's a hell of a difference from flying a viper." Lee's voice was flat, but there was an edge of emotion to it that Zak couldn't quite interpret. "It's a ridiculous idea, Zak."

He didn't want to do it. Zak felt something ease in his chest.

"Fair enough," he said casually. "I had to ask."

"I couldn't be spared from the Caprican Star anyway," said Lee. "Emma couldn't manage alone. And serving here – under Dad – having to obey his orders…I just don't think it would be a good idea. We've barely got back on speaking terms…"

"Lee, it's fine," said Zak, slightly taken aback. "You don't want to do it, that's okay. You don't have to give me a whole list of the reasons."

He changed the subject quickly. He didn't want to think about why exactly he was so relieved by Lee's refusal.

----

In Galactica's hangar bay, Lee made the final checks that his shuttle was ready for departure. It was hard to keep his mind on his job; the conversation with Zak kept echoing round his head.

He didn't know why he was dwelling on it. There was no way he could be a viper pilot. He couldn't just leave his responsibilities on the Caprican Star. He frowned impatiently and moved to check the shuttle's oil levels.

A murmur of voices caught his attention and he looked up to see the deck crew moving a viper to the launch tubes.

A Viper Mark II, thought Lee idly. Old models, he remembered them from a sticker book he'd had as a child. They were still fast and manoeuvrable, though – he remembered reading that one could flip end from end in .35 seconds. Like a racehorse next to his shuttle's plodding donkey. What must it be like to fly one of those things…

He caught the thought back abruptly, furious with himself. He didn't have time for daydreams. Stupid boyhood daydreams that he should have left behind a long time ago.

Flying a viper meant joining the fleet, and he'd sworn long ago never to do that. Besides, now it meant serving under his father's direct command, and that was a recipe for disaster if he ever heard one.

End of discussion.

Lee finished his checks, refusing to let his thoughts stray from the job. But when he finally left Galactica, and the vipers on patrol zoomed past him, he found himself looking after them wistfully.

----

Emma looked across the cockpit at Lee. He'd finished programming in the new set of emergency FTL co-ordinates, and was now staring out of the window.

"Peter's been whinging about the food rations now."

"Mm-hmm."

"Said that Ronny's taking bribes to give some people extra rations."

"Good," Lee murmured.

Emma's eyes narrowed. "So I told Peter if he frakked me right there in the galley he could have all the food he wanted."

"Right."

"Lee!"

Her shout got Lee's attention. He jumped so violently he almost fell out of his chair. He turned to look at Emma, scowling.

"What the hell was that for?"

"Have you been listening to a word I've been saying?"

"Of course."

"Really? What did I just say, then?" Emma watched him struggle for a reply for a few moments with smug satisfaction.

"Right, Lee," she said briskly, "I've had enough. What's wrong?"

Lee's face slipped into blank defensive mode. "Nothing's wrong."

"Bullshit," said Emma bluntly. She wasn't about to let him put her off that easily. "You've been distracted and anxious ever since you got back from Galactica. So what happened? Did you have an argument with your dad?"

"No, nothing like that."

"So what is it then?" Emma pushed. Lee's shoulders were relaxing and his eyes had softened; sure signs that he wanted to talk about whatever it was and only needed a little encouragement. "Tell me."

Lee shifted awkwardly in his seat. "It's stupid, really." But he went on talking. "Galactica are desperately short of viper pilots and they're asking anyone with experience of piloting small craft to volunteer."

"And you want to volunteer," said Emma quietly. She felt a slight pang deep inside.

Lee looked at her in surprise. "Why would you think-"

"Lee," she cut him off gently. "Do you think I haven't seen the way you look at the viper patrols every time they go past?"

He smiled reluctantly. "Am I that obvious?"

"I've known you a long time."

"I'm not going to volunteer," he said hurriedly. "I'd never let you down like that, Emma, you know that."

"You wouldn't be letting me down." She took a deep breath, half wishing she wasn't saying this. She was going to miss him. But there were more important things at stake than that.

"What do you mean?" He was sitting bolt upright in his chair, staring at her. "You can't pilot this ship alone, Emma."

"I wouldn't have to. One of the passengers was the pilot of the ship we rescued them from. He was injured when we first picked them up, but he's recovering now, and he already asked me if there was anything he could do to help. He hasn't flown this class of freighter before, but he'd soon pick it up."

"But-" Lee's face was a study of conflicting emotions.

"The viper pilots defend the fleet, Lee, protect us all from the cylons. You'd be more useful there than you are here."

She paused, studying him thoughtfully. He was still looking troubled. There was obviously something else that was holding him back.

But before she could question him about it, the communicator beeped. She put on her headset.

"Caprican Star." After a brief conversation, she pulled her headset off and turned to Lee.

"Another raptor from the Galactica with someone to see you," she said drily. "What did all these raptor pilots do with their time before you were reunited with your family, I wonder?"

"Who is it?" said Lee tensely. "My father?"

"Don't know, they didn't say. You'd better go and find out." She looked at him sternly. "We'll finish this conversation later."

----

Lee's visitor wasn't his father, and it wasn't Zak. Much to his surprise, it was Kara Thrace.

"Hello," he said, wondering what the hell she was doing there.

"Hi Lee," she said briskly, jumping down from the raptor. "I haven't got much time. Is there somewhere we can talk in private?"

Lee took her to his cabin. He reflected wryly that it was a good thing they all came for these private talks individually. His cabin wouldn't fit more than two.

"I'll get straight to the point," said Kara, as they sat down. "Why did you tell Zak you didn't want to be a viper pilot?"

"What?" Lee was taken aback, both by her bluntness and by the unexpected topic. His eyes narrowed in annoyance. "Did Zak send you? I told him-"

"No, he didn't," said Kara, cutting him off. "In fact, I sent Zak to ask you about it in the first place."

That stopped Lee's irritation in its tracks. "You did? Why?"

"Because I need more viper pilots. As soon as possible. As I'm sure you know."

"Yes, but…why me? There must be plenty of other shuttle pilots in the fleet."

"Because you want to fly a viper," said Kara. A knowing smile spread across her face. "Desperately."

Every muscle in Lee's body tensed. How could she know that? He didn't like the way she was looking at him, as if she could read his thoughts.

He reacted on instinct, keeping his face blank and his eyes guarded. "What makes you think that?" he said coldly. "You don't know anything about me."

"I know this," said Kara firmly. The hostility in his voice and face wasn't deterring her at all, he realised with irritation. "That night on Cloud Nine, when I told you what I did, when you talked about going in that viper sim – I could see the envy in your eyes. I could see you wanted to fly one more than anything else in the world."

Her words shook Lee, but he glared back at her stubbornly. "You couldn't have seen all that."

An irritating grin spread across Kara's face. "Yes, I did. And you know why I saw it? Because I used to feel exactly the same way myself."

Her grin faded. Her hazel eyes met Lee's and for a brief moment there was a flash of understanding between them. It made Lee feel uncomfortable and he jerked his eyes away.

"So why did you refuse, Lee? I know it wasn't because you don't want to do it."

"I've got too many responsibilities here."

"Really? From what I've seen of your co-pilot, she's very competent. I'm sure she can manage until she trains someone to replace you," said Kara briskly. "Try again, Lee."

Damn her. But what she said was perfectly true, and Emma had all but given him permission to go.

He searched for another excuse. Of course he knew what the real reason was, but he wasn't about to tell Kara Thrace that. It was too personal and he barely knew her.

"I don't want to join the military," he said finally. He knew it didn't sound very convincing, so he snapped it out at her and accompanied it with his most off-putting stare.

But Kara Thrace didn't even blink. Gods, she was annoying.

"Really?" she said, voice dripping with sarcasm. "Zak told me when you were a kid you planned to join the fleet as soon as you left school."

"That was a long time ago," he said icily. "And that was Dad's plan for me. Not mine."

He realised he'd made a mistake as soon as the words left his mouth. Kara's eyes brightened predatorily, and Lee could have kicked himself.

"So that's what this is really all about. Your father. You don't want to follow his plans for you."

"Shut up." Lee's voice rose despite himself and he had to struggle to keep a grip on his temper. "You don't know what the frak you're talking about."

"Don't I? Then why are you getting so angry?" Her eyes were bright and merciless. "Zak said that you and the Old Man never got on. You don't want to serve under him, do you? Don't want to have to obey his orders."

Something in her tone made Lee finally snap. He jumped to his feet.

"You're leaving. Now."

"I don't think so," said Kara lazily. "I'm not leaving until I'm good and ready." Lee grabbed her arm, meaning to pull her to her feet, and her eyes narrowed dangerously. "Believe me, you don't want to do that."

Lee was too angry to pay attention. "I told you to leave," he hissed, and pulled her upright.

Kara stared into his eyes, still infuriatingly calm. "I warned you not to do that," she said softly, and smiled.

She moved so quickly and violently that Lee was taken by surprise. Before he quite knew what was happening she had slammed his face against the wall and twisted his arm up behind his back.

"I warned you," she snapped in his ear. She twisted his arm a little tighter, and Lee winced. "I haven't finished what I came to say, and I'm not going till I do."

Lee was too angry to listen to her. He gritted his teeth, and stamped backwards onto her foot as hard as he could. Kara swore fervently, and he used the distraction to twist out of her grip. He pushed her backwards, sending her staggering into the opposite wall with such force that she nearly fell over.

"I told you to leave!"

"And I told you I'm not going!" Kara steadied herself against the wall, fists clenched. Her eyes were bright with fury.

Lee glared right back at her and lifted his chin, silently daring her to strike back.

For a moment they stood there, eyes locked, the tension crackling between them. Then something shifted in Kara's face.

"What?" Lee snapped.

Kara stared at him for a moment longer. Then her mouth curved. Her shoulders started to shake, and a strange sound bubbled from between her lips. After an incredulous moment Lee realised she was laughing.

"What's so funny?" he demanded.

Kara waved her hand towards him. "This. Us. It's so…what the hell are we doing?"

Suddenly Lee could see what she meant. Had they really almost come to blows over whether he was going to be a viper pilot? She was right, it was utterly ridiculous.

"I don't know," he said. "What _are_ we doing?" His lips started to curve despite himself.

"Beats me." Kara started laughing again.

"Well, Zak did say he wanted us to get to know each other better," Lee said, trying to keep his voice steady. "Somehow I don't think this is quite what he meant."

"I don't know," Kara gasped, trying to control her laughter. "I think a fight - is a great way -to start a friendship. It – clears the air." Her eyes met Lee's and the expression in them severed the last threads of his self-control. He sank down against the wall and let himself laugh.

It was several minutes before they managed to control themselves. Kara wiped her eyes and looked at him curiously. "You really are nothing like Zak, are you?"

Lee smiled ruefully. "I certainly got his share of the family bad temper. I'm sorry for acting like that." He was surprised that he didn't feel embarrassed, now he had cooled down, but the laughter seemed to have swept that away.

Kara chuckled. "Well, I probably pushed you into it. Zak always says I don't know when to leave well enough alone."

"So what else did you want to say?" asked Lee. "As you're obviously not going anywhere until you've said it."

Kara chuckled again at that, but then her face sobered. "Lee, I understand why you feel it would be awkward with your father, if you join the fleet. But there are more important issues than personal feelings at stake here. If I can't get more pilots and a full CAP running, then the Cylons will blow us all away and there won't be any personal feelings to worry about."

Lee sat in silence for a moment as her words sank in. "You're right," he said finally, scrubbing a hand wearily over his face. They were fighting for their very survival here, and there was no room for petty problems. "You're absolutely right. I'm being a selfish idiot."

"I'm not going to argue with that," said Kara. The words jolted Lee out of his guilt, and he sent her a glare.

Kara just grinned at him. "So, do I have a new recruit?"

"Yes," said Lee slowly, "I suppose you do." He felt a surge of excitement at the thought. This was really happening. He was really going to fly a viper.

Kara smiled at him with a hint of understanding. "Then my work here is done." She got to her feet.

Lee stood to face her. Something was puzzling him.

"Why did you go to all this trouble to persuade me?" he asked abruptly. "You must have plenty of other potential pilots."

Kara smiled at him. "I was a flight instructor for two years. I have an instinct about people when it comes to flying. I can usually tell within five minutes if a nugget's going to be any good, even before they get in a cockpit. And I'm never wrong." She held out a hand to him and her smile turned dazzling. "I got that feeling about you, Lee. That night in Cloud Nine. I think you have the makings of a good pilot in you."

Something warmed inside Lee at her words, though he was careful not to show it. He took her hand and shook it. "Thank you, Kara."

Her smile turned mischievous. "Oh, you can call me Starbuck."


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

A few days later, Lee found himself sitting on an uncomfortable metal chair in a small meeting room on Galactica, waiting with a group of other new recruits as an NCO processed their paperwork.

"How much longer is this going to take?" muttered the woman next to him, a girl with frizzy dark hair and a stubborn jaw. "We've been here for hours!"

"That's the military for you," murmured the tall man on her other side, stretching lazily. "Waiting around for hours for something to happen…get used to it."

"Sounds like you speak from experience," Lee commented.

The man grinned, lighting up his naturally solemn face. "This my second time around as a nugget."

"Oh." The obvious question sprang to Lee's lips, but he was too tactful to ask it.

The woman wasn't. "So what happened?"

Lee tensed, but the man didn't seem offended. "I just didn't make the grade," he said, shrugging. "Three years ago, but I haven't forgotten what the military was like. I must need my head examined, to volunteer to go through all this again." He grinned.

"Well, everything's different now, isn't it?" said Lee. "We have to do whatever's needed for the fleet to survive. Even if it's something we wouldn't have considered doing before."

His companions both nodded in agreement. "Though I can't say that I'm unhappy that what I'm needed to do is fly a viper," the woman said. "I can't wait to try it."

Her grin was infectious, and Lee found himself smiling. "Me either."

The man smiled at them both. "Trust me, it'll be just as exciting as you think it will. Scary as hell, too, but it's worth it."

"Looks like we're going to spending lots of time together," the woman said. "I'm Louanne Katraine."

"Brendan Costanza."

They both looked at Lee enquiringly. He sighed inwardly. _Here we go…_

"Lee Adama."

Katraine stared at him and Costanza's mouth dropped open.

"_Adama_? As in Commander Adama?"

"Yes." Lee tried to sound as casual as possible. "He's my father."

"Oh." Neither of them looked quite sure what to say.

An awkward silence fell. Lee sought for something to say, some joke to break the tension, but he couldn't think of anything. Zak was the one who was good at things like that, who could fit in easily wherever he went.

The NCO finished with the recruit at his desk and called out Lee's name. Lee stood up and could feel every eye in the room swivel towards him.

He sighed again. This was exactly why he'd been reluctant to join the fleet. How the hell had Zak put up with it all these years?

----

Word obviously spread fast on the battlestar. Throughout the day, as the nuggets were provided with uniforms and dogtags, assigned bunks, and given a rapid tour of the ship, Lee was aware of people staring and pointing at him in the corridors, of muffled whispers trailing behind him. He remembered ruefully what Zak had said about him being the main topic of gossip on the ship. Oh well, at least his appearance would disprove the rumour about him having some weird medical condition…

At the end of the day they were gathered in the briefing room, listening to the raptor pilot who had given them the tour explain what was happening the following day. Lee hadn't caught her real name, but it didn't matter – he knew her callsign was Boomer, and that was what everyone seemed to go by around here. Lee wondered uneasily what his own callsign would end up being; he hoped it wouldn't be anything too embarrassing.

Suddenly Boomer broke off in the middle of a sentence and snapped to attention.

"Commander on deck!"

Costanza got to his feet and saluted, and the rest of the nuggets quickly followed his example. Lee stood at attention, feeling rather strange as his father entered the room. It seemed so odd to be saluting his own father.

No doubt he'd soon get used to it.

"At ease," said Bill, and the nuggets sat back down. "I won't interrupt Lieutenant Valerii for long. I just wanted to welcome you all to Galactica, and to the Colonial Fleet."

He continued with a few words about the proud traditions of the service, and the need for everyone to pull together in this time of crisis. Lee only gave him half his attention. He'd heard the proud traditions of the service part many times before, and the rest was nothing he didn't already know. He concentrated on looking focused and attentive, and as if he was completely unaware of the curious glances the other nuggets were sneaking his way.

"Welcome to my crew," Bill finished. "I'm sure that you will all become valued members of it."

They all applauded. Looking around, Lee could see that some of the nuggets had been really affected by Bill's words. But then his dad had always been good at inspiring people. That was why he made such a good commander.

Bill stepped down from the podium, and they all stood to attention again. He paused a moment before leaving, and Lee realised that his father's eyes were resting on him. He tensed, afraid that Bill was going to single him out in front of everyone, and call even more attention to their relationship.

But his father didn't. He just waited until their eyes met, and gave Lee a quick nod of encouragement before he left the room.

Lee sat down smiling, feeling warmed by the gesture. His father had seemed pleased when he had told him he planned to join the fleet, but Lee had thought he'd seen a hint of uncertainty in Bill's face, and he'd asked Lee some searching questions about why he'd made the decision. But that little nod reassured him that he had his father's support in this. It was good to know.

----

He ate in the mess with Katraine and Costanza, who seemed to have decided his surname wasn't a bar to friendship. They chatted away comfortably enough. It turned out Katraine had been a freighter pilot as well, though she had worked different routes to Lee. They shared a few jokes about freighter life, and listened with interest to everything Costanza could tell them about the fleet and vipers.

When they'd finished eating, they headed off to the bunkroom by mutual agreement; they were all tired, and tomorrow, with the start of flight training, promised to be even more exhausting. It took them a few attempts to find their way to the cadets' bunkroom, but they did it eventually.

Lee grinned to find a familiar face waiting there. "Hey Zak."

Zak's eyes twinkled. "That's Captain Adama, to you, cadet. And haven't you learnt yet that you should salute when addressing a superior officer?"

Lee looked at him sourly. "You're just loving this, aren't you."

Zak chuckled. "I am. I can't deny it."

Lee realised Costanza and Katraine were watching them curiously, and quickly introduced them. Zak waved away their hurried salutes.

"Don't worry, we're off duty. So, how did you find your first day? And how many times did you get lost?"

Katraine smiled slightly. "Quite a few, sir."

Zak grinned. "I can guarantee you'll spend most of the first week trying to find your way around the ship. These old style battlestars have a completely illogical layout."

He chatted easily for a few minutes. Lee watched Costanza and Katraine relax and grin back, and felt a stab of envy. How did Zak do it? He'd been working to get on an easy footing with these two all day, and yet Zak managed it in five minutes.

Eventually the other two nuggets drifted off to the head, and the two brothers were left alone.

"So how has your first day been?" Zak asked more seriously.

Lee pulled a face. "It would be a hell of a lot easier if my surname wasn't Adama." He looked at Zak curiously. "How do you deal with it?"

Zak smiled ruefully. "I'm still working on that one myself. Obviously I'd never served under Dad's command until the attacks. It's not been easy." He looked sympathetically at Lee. "I find the best way is just to be upfront about it – 'yes, the commander is my father, so what?'. That kind of thing. Just not to make a big deal about it."

Lee frowned thoughtfully. "I'll do my best."

"What's that? You're going to follow my advice?" Zak clapped a hand to his chest theatrically. "I think I'm going to have a heart attack."

Lee laughed, his spirits lifting. At least he wasn't alone in all this.

----

The next morning, the nuggets all gathered in the briefing room for their first training session. As they waited, Lee tried to suppress a yawn. He had the bunk below Costanza's, and the man had turned out to be a very noisy snorer. It was going to take some time to get used to communal living again. Since he'd qualified as a pilot, he'd generally got his own cabin on freighters, or at the most been sharing with Emma.

"Get on your feet!"

Lee's head jerked up at the shout. Kara Thrace was standing at the podium glaring at them all. He hadn't noticed her come in. They all quickly jumped to their feet and saluted.

"That's better," said Kara, but she didn't relax her glare. "This is the Colonial Fleet, boys and girls, not some after school club. Sit." They all sat obediently. "I'm Captain Kara Thrace, Galactica's CAG – that's Commander of the Air Group for those of you who weren't paying attention to Lieutenant Valerii yesterday. I'm also going to be acting as your flight instructor, gods help me." She looked round at them all impatiently. "The pilots call me Starbuck, you can all refer to me as God." Lee bit his lip firmly, trying not to laugh. He could see some of the other nuggets shifting uneasily in front of him.

Kara clicked a button on the podium, and a diagram of a viper appeared on the screen behind her.

"You have all flown before but you're about to enter a whole new world, so pay attention," she said sharply. "We don't have any flight simulators o­nboard so we're putting you in the cockpit today." There was a collective intake of breath from the nuggets. Lee gripped the arm of his chair tightly, feeling a mixture of excitement and trepidation. He'd never expected to be out flying so soon.

"This is a Viper Mark II," Kara continued, turning to the diagram. "It's as manoeuvrable as a jackrabbit, and you have never flown anything remotely like it, so don't think that you have. Today we will be doing basic launch, approach and landing manoeuvres." She swept the room with a hard stare. "Anyone not paying attention is liable to end up as a puddle of something to be hosed out of the cockpit by the chief of the deck."

Costanza leaned over to whisper in Lee's ear. "Laying it on a bit, thick, isn't she?"

Kara obviously had good hearing; her head whipped round and her eyes flew straight to Costanza.

"Am I really? Costanza, isn't it?"

Lee heard Costanza swallow hard. "Yes, sir…um, God."

"Not any more," said Kara, with a smile that made Costanza flinch. "From now o­n, your name is 'Hotdog', and when God speaks, Hotdog, you listen. Maybe if you'd learned that at flight school you wouldn't have washed out."

Costanza slumped back in his seat, effectively silenced. Katraine, who was sitting on his other side, glanced at him sympathetically.

"Man, she's tough," she mouthed at Lee, knowing better than to say it aloud.

She was, but Lee understood why Kara was doing it. Most of the nuggets were acting as if this was a game or an adventure, when in fact they were training for an extremely dangerous job where one false move could get them injured or killed. They needed to wake up to that fact, and Kara was doing her best to make them see that without thoroughly scaring the shit out of them.

Telling them to call her 'God' was going a bit far, though. Costanza was right about that. He just wasn't responding in the right way.

Kara had moved on. "On the clipboard in front of you is your pre-flight checklist. You need to check everything on that list thoroughly before you get in the cockpit, and I mean thoroughly. If you write off one of my birds because you've been careless, I will tear you into little tiny pieces with my bare hands…assuming you're not already floating around in space in tiny pieces, that is." Lee bit back a chuckle.

"I'll demonstrate how to check everything on the list in the hangar bay this afternoon before launching. Once you've checked the list, you sign it off and hand it to one of the deck crew."

Lee raised his hand.

Kara looked surprised. "Yes, Adama? Something you don't understand?"

"Don't the checklists have to be double-checked and signed off by another pilot?" Lee kept his face as innocent and guileless as he could. "I thought the regulations said…"

"In peacetime, maybe," Kara snapped. "When the ship's at condition one, we don't have time to be messing about with unnecessary checks. You need to take responsibility for your own bird, and not rely on other people. If you think you're up to that, nugget?"

Lee tried to look abashed. "I'm sorry. I just thought-"

Kara glared at him. "How about you concentrate on learning to fly and leave the thinking to me. Now, can we get on with it? Launch procedures…"

Lee listened dutifully, smiling to himself. How convenient that he'd spent the last few days reading a copy of the fleet regs and a viper training manual his father had lent him. He was going to enjoy this.

----

Zak had dinner in the mess with Lieutenant Gaeta, discussing ways they could make the nav computer work more efficiently. Gaeta had been stiff and wary with Zak initially, but once he'd realised that Zak understood what he was talking about, and hadn't got where he had just because of his parentage, he had thawed considerably. Zak thought that he even quite enjoyed having someone to talk technicalities with on an equal level. He suspected that it was more than anyone else in CIC could manage, and he had to admit even he had difficulty keeping up on occasion. Gaeta was formidably intelligent; he could see why his father valued him so highly.

They were deep in a highly complicated discussion about algorithms when someone banged a food tray down opposite Zak, so hard that the table shook and some of Zak's coffee spilled onto his tray.

Zak looked up with resignation. "Good evening, Kara."

"What's good about it?" Kara flung herself down into a chair.

Gaeta shot Kara a cautious look and finished his coffee with one gulp.

"Have to go, Zak," he said hurriedly, getting up. "Things to do. Perhaps we can finish this later?"

"Definitely," said Zak, sighing inwardly. It wasn't often they got a chance for a quiet discussion. He wished Kara could have suppressed her anger and waited to vent about whatever it was until they were alone. But that wasn't the way she worked, unfortunately. "I'll catch up with you later, Felix."

Gaeta nodded and headed off. Zak braced himself and turned to Kara.

"Bad day with the nuggets?"

Kara stabbed her fork into her processed meat as if she was slaughtering it. "I am going to murder your frakking brother," she said, pausing deliberately between each word.

"Lee?" Zak was taken aback. "What's he been doing?"

"Asking questions," said Kara between her teeth. She stabbed at her food again.

"Isn't that what nuggets are supposed to do?"

"Not all the frakking time!" Kara glared at him. "Every time I pause for breath, off he goes. 'But I thought the regs said-'…'But in the training manual it recommends-'" She imitated Lee's serious voice perfectly, her tone rising angrily. "He even quotes the page numbers, for frak's sake!"

Zak bit his lip, trying desperately not to laugh. In the mood she was in, he'd probably end up with a black eye.

"I mean, the _page numbers_?! What kind of a freak is he?" Kara's meat was now in mutilated pieces.

"Not one I'd care to be related to," said Zak gravely. He wondered if she realised Lee was winding her up on purpose. That earnest manner of his tended to fool most people at first. Well, if she hadn't, he wasn't going to enlighten her. He was enjoying this too much.

"Just shut him up, then," he said lazily, picking up his coffee. "You are the queen of the blistering comment, after all."

Kara threw down her fork and scowled at him. "Don't you think I've tried that?"

"It didn't work?" Zak was surprised. Kara in full verbal attack mode was a scary sight to behold. It left most people crushed in her wake.

"No." Kara's scowl was even blacker. "I tried everything I could think of, but - oh, I scored some hits. I made him blush and even wince a few times. But it didn't last. After a few minutes it washed over him and he was back with another question."

"You could always forbid him to speak," said Zak, grinning into his coffee mug.

"Oh, I did that too," said Kara grimly. "He just wrote the questions down and passed them to the other nuggets to ask." Zak almost choked on a mouthful of coffee, and she glared at him. "Don't you frakking laugh."

"I'm not laughing."

"You shouldn't be. That anal-retentive bastard is your brother, gods help you."

"You can always wash him out if he's bugging you that much."

Kara stared gloomily at her plate. "Can't do that. Unprofessional. Besides, he's going to be a good pilot, damn him."

Zak put down his coffee, his laughter draining away. "He is?"

"Yes." Kara finally put some food in her mouth. "He did the best of the lot when I took them out, except for Hotdog, and he's flown a viper before. He's got a natural feel for it, just as I thought."

Of course Lee was a natural, Zak thought sourly. It had always been that way. Anything Lee turned his hand to, he seemed to excel at, most of the time without even trying. Always top of his class, youngest person in the school to qualify for the pyramid team, winner of seemingly every cross-country race he entered…of course he'd be a natural viper pilot too. It just figured.

Dad was going to love this.

----

A few days later, Kara took Hotdog, Katraine – who she'd started calling Kat, far less of a mouthful – and Lee out to practise manoeuvres. They were the three most promising nuggets, so she'd decided to start with them to give her a morale boost before she had to deal with the rest.

Lee seemed to be holding back on the questions today, much to her relief. He spoke only when necessary as she got them flying in standard formation.

"Right, let's see if you've been listening," she finished. "Go and destroy that rock over there. Adama, you're leader."

She listened and watched closely as they headed off.

"Kat, you're flying too close to Adama. Give him some room." She watched critically as Kat retreated to a safer distance. "That's better."

Lee was giving directions to the other two over the comms, clear and to the point. He really was good at this, damn him.

Suddenly Hotdog surged forward, past the other two.

"Hotdog, where are you going? Stay with me," said Lee sharply.

Hotdog ignored him, taking out the rock. "Target acquired and destroyed," he said smugly.

"True enough," Kara intervened coolly, "but you shouldn't have left your leader behind. Any trouble, and you don't want to be out here alone. So what's the moral of this story?"

"Never leave your leader behind," said Kat promptly.

"Exactly. Right, I'm going to show you a little manoeuvre called the Aerilon weave. Kat, take Hotdog's wing – Adama, you're with me. Now watch closely-"

She broke off as her dradis screen beeped.

"Frak, we've got incoming! Where the hell did they come from?"

Damned Cylons. Couldn't she even run a few training sessions without them interrupting?

She could hear the Old Man over the comms, ordering the launch of the alert fighters.

Good. She was going to need them.

"Nuggets, punch it for home," she snapped, as Gaeta's voice rang in her ears.

"No base ships detected. Eight Raiders, bearing 0-4-7, carom 1-1-8, range 22,000."

"Where the hell are the alert fighters?" Scanning around her, she realised the nuggets hadn't yet left. What the frak were they doing?

"Listen up, nuggets," she said, scanning her dradis screen. The raiders were getting closer now, and the alert fighters were some distance away. The nuggets weren't going to make it back in time if someone didn't guard their retreat. "Stay together and keep your throttles firewalled until you hit that deck. Now go!"

She watched with relief as they headed off towards Galactica. At least they'd make it out of this.

"Starbuck, Duck. Be there in two minutes."

She just hoped she still would be. She said a brief prayer as the turned her viper back to face the eight raiders.

"Better hope the gods are smiling on me today," she muttered, and targeted the first raider.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

Lee headed back towards Galactica, Hotdog and Kat alongside him.

"Man, this sucks," said Hotdog through the comms.

Lee couldn't help but agree, although he didn't say so. Logically, he knew it was the only sensible course of action, but he had to fight an instinctive urge to turn his viper around. It would be so satisfying to take a Cylon down, to finally strike a blow back at the enemy who had destroyed their homes.

"We'll get our chance soon," he said, promising himself as well.

"Hey guys," Kat's voice cut in sharply. "Starbuck isn't following us."

"What?"

Lee looked at his dradis, and realised she was right. Kara wasn't following them. Instead she had swung round to face the raiders. Lee counted them, his mouth suddenly dry. Eight. Not good odds.

His father's voice suddenly thundered over the comms. "Starbuck, what are you doing? Wait for the alert fighters!"

"No time for that, sir." Kara sounded breathless. "The raiders'll catch us before they get here…"

Understanding sank into Lee's mind, clear and cold. Kara was risking herself to save the three of them, to make sure they got away safely.

Well, he wasn't going to let her. He didn't need protecting, not at that cost. For Zak's sake, if nothing else. He'd rather die than face his brother and tell him he'd let Kara get herself killed.

He took a deep breath, and turned his viper around.

"Adama, what are you doing?" said Kat, sounding panicked.

"I'm going back to help her." He smiled tightly. "Never leave your leader behind, remember?"

"Damn right," said Hotdog, turning himself. "I'm with you."

"Frak it," said Kat, and then she was turning as well, and together they headed back towards Starbuck.

Lee swallowed a sudden feeling of nausea and tried desperately to remember everything Kara had taught them. "Keep it steady, Lee, keep it steady," he murmured to himself.

Kara had been busy. One of the raiders had disappeared from the dradis screen already, and as they approached, she was zooming in on another, moving so fast Lee could barely keep his eyes on her.

Not fast enough, though. Even as she took out the raider, with an ear-piercing whoop over the comms, another locked onto her tail. Lee realised she hadn't spotted it, and he punched the throttle and flew closer, targeting it with his own guns, hoping desperately that he'd got an accurate lock on the raider.

But there was no time for doubts or second-guessing. Lee swallowed hard and fired.

The raider exploded.

Lee stared at the wreckage numbly for a few moments, unable to believe that he had really done it. Then a smile spread across his face. He'd killed his first cylon.

"What the frak!" Kara's voice rang furiously in his ears. "I told you all to – Lee! Bank left, now!"

Lee obeyed automatically, responding to the urgency in her voice. Kara darted past him, guns blazing, and took out the Cylon that had crept up behind him.

"Stick close to me, all of you!" Kara snapped.

The next few minutes were a blur to Lee. He simply acted on instinct, watching everything around him, firing when he had the opportunity, responding to Kara's commands. Her confident tones were an anchor in all the confusion, and he focused on her voice, let it drown out the panic inside him. A quick glance showed him that Kat and Hotdog were still beside them, but he had no time for more; all his energies were focused on staying alive.

Suddenly something shook his viper, knocking him back against his seat, and a flash of bright light made him close his eyes momentarily.

He shook himself. No time for that, he had to think…and he saw the raider circling back round towards him for another pass. He tried to target it, but the explosion seemed to have damaged his weapon systems, he couldn't get a lock…

He stared in horror at the raider, coming inexorably closer…and then a viper swooped in from nowhere and it exploded.

"Don't worry, guys, we've got your backs."

"About damn time," Kara snapped, and Lee realised with immense relief that the alert fighters had finally arrived. They made short work of the last few Cylons.

"Back to the barn, everyone," ordered Kara. "Hotdog? Kat? Adama? You still with me?"

They all replied in the affirmative.

"You should be thanking all the gods that you are. Of all the idiotic stunts to pull…Adama? Are you all right? There's smoke coming from your right engine."

Lee struggled to gather his thoughts. "I'm not sure. The weapons systems are out, I don't know what else-"

"Check your other systems for damage." Kara's voice was cool and steady. "We went through this yesterday, remember?"

He did. He went through the checklist in his head, finding the routine calming. "One of my thrusters is damaged."

"Okay, that's going to make it more difficult to land. You can do it, don't worry, I'll talk you through it."

Lee hoped she was right, but he didn't have time to worry about it. His viper wasn't responding as it should to the controls. It was erratic and jerky, and it took all his concentration to fly it to Galactica, as he kept having to correct his position.

Kara kept him back as everyone else landed. Lee looked at the entrance to the landing bay, which suddenly looked impossibly tiny, and felt a surge of nausea.

"I can't do this."

"Yes, you can, Lee," said Kara sharply. "Because we need to jump as soon as possible, before any basestars show up." Her voice softened slightly. "You'll be fine. Just listen to me and do exactly what I say, and you'll be fine."

The next few minutes were the most harrowing of Lee's life. He lost count of the times he thought he was going to end up in a twisted pile of flaming metal on the landing bay floor. But he gritted his teeth and managed to hold his panic at bay, block everything out but Kara's confident voice and clear instructions. He took a few scrapes on each wing, but somehow he did it. He landed safely, and then Kara was landing beside him, and then a moment later everything distorted as they jumped.

----

Lee barely made it down the ladder from his viper before the nausea finally overwhelmed him, and he threw up on the hangar bay floor.

He straightened up, coughing and slightly embarrassed, only to find that Hotdog was doing exactly the same a few feet away.

Kat strolled over, smiling. "Men. You have such weak stomachs."

Lee searched for a sharp reply, but he couldn't find the energy. Now that the danger was over, reaction was beginning to set in. He realised his hands were shaking.

"I bagged my first Cylon," went on Kat, smirking. "How about that?"

"We all did," said Hotdog, wiping his mouth with the back of his sleeve. He grinned. "Not bad for a bunch of nuggets, hey?"

"I don't know why the frak you're congratulating yourselves." They all jumped and turned to see Starbuck stalking towards them, scowling. "It's a bloody miracle you're all still alive."

She reached them and swept them all with a glare. Hotdog took a step backwards. Kat lifted her chin defiantly. Lee kept his face blank.

"What the hell did you think you were doing? I told you all to head home."

"You told us not to leave our leader behind, sir," said Hotdog. "So we didn't."

"I also told you not to disobey a direct order. And that's in the fleet regulations." Kara shot a sideways glance at Lee. "I'm sure Cadet Adama could tell us the exact page number."

They all relaxed at the tinge of humour in her voice. "I appreciate the help out there," Kara went on, in a softer tone. "And you didn't handle yourselves too badly, though you got through it more by luck than judgement." Her voice hardened again. "But if you ever – _ever_ – disobey one of my orders again, you'll find yourselves in the brig. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, sir." They nodded, saluting. Lee hoped his salute wasn't too sloppy. He couldn't stop his arm trembling, and the deck seemed to be tilting under him.

"Now get out of here and stop cluttering up the Chief's deck."

Hotdog and Kat headed off, but Kara put a hand on Lee's arm when he went to follow.

"Stay a moment."

Lee looked at her warily, and she smiled.

"I just wanted to say thanks. You saved my life."

Lee shrugged awkwardly. "You saved mine right back. Twice over, in fact. I'd never have landed that bird if you hadn't talked me through it."

Kara studied him, her smile turning mischievous. "So does that mean that you owe me one?"

"Maybe," said Lee slowly. He didn't like the sound of this.

"Good." Kara's eyes twinkled. "In that case, you can promise me that you will never quote the regs or the training manual in my lessons again. With or without page numbers."

Lee laughed outright. "Very well." He shrugged. "The joke was getting old anyway. I'll have to find another."

"Really?" Kara smiled sharply. "Well, just be aware that after the first offence, I retaliate."

Lee grinned. She wasn't going to scare him that easily. "I look forward to it."

"Famous last words." Kara laughed, and then looked at him enquiringly. "All right?"

Lee realised to his surprise that he was. Talking to her had steadied him, and the tension had drained away. His hands had stopped shaking.

"Yeah, I am," he said, and nodded gratefully.

"Go hit the showers then," said Kara, wrinkling her nose. "You need it."

Lee shot her a sarcastic look, and turned away.

"Lee? One more thing."

He looked back over his shoulder. "Yes?"

"Hurry up and pass basic flight," said Kara with a broad grin. "I need a good wingman to watch my back."

----

Lee had barely finished his shower when he was summoned to his father's quarters. He groaned inwardly. The last thing he needed right now was a lecture on disobeying orders.

But his father seemed to be in a good mood.

"Congratulations," he said, waving Lee to a chair. "You got through your first dogfight in one piece."

"Only thanks to Kara," said Lee ruefully. "And pure luck."

Bill smiled wryly. "Luck is what it comes down to, mostly. No matter how skilled a pilot you are, you can get killed just by being in the wrong place at the wrong time."

Lee choked on a laugh. "That's a great morale booster, Dad."

Bill chuckled. "Would you rather I lied to you?" There was a serious edge to the question.

"No." Lee stared down at the deck. "Does it ever get any easier?"

"Depends what you mean. It gets less bewildering, with experience. Less confusing, and you can do more than just hanging in and trying to stay alive. But it doesn't get less scary."

"Oh." Lee looked up and met his father's understanding eyes. For a moment he felt closer to his father than he ever had before.

"You'll cope," said Bill. "You're my son."

Lee stiffened, and just like that, the feeling of closeness disappeared.

_Really, Dad? So the only reason I'll succeed is because I'm an Adama, not because of any strength in myself._

He sighed. It had been the refrain of his childhood, how Adamas should behave, what they should achieve. It had always made him feel as if he had no value to his father beyond the fact of being his son, as if being an Adama was everything and being Lee meant nothing.

Becoming Alex Balder had been a release, and for a moment he acutely regretted giving it up.

"Lee? Are you all right?"

He mustered a smile. There was no point talking to his father about this. He wouldn't understand; he never had.

"I'm fine. Just a little tired, that's all."

"Of course." Bill was frowning slightly, as if he could feel the barrier that Lee had just raised between them. "Get some rest. I won't keep you."

"Thank you, sir." Lee stood and saluted. The formality was a useful means of distancing himself, he realised.

His father's voice stopped him at the hatch. "Lee?"

"Yes?"

He turned. Bill was watching him with an expression he couldn't interpret.

"That was a brave thing you did out there today," he said quietly. "I'm proud of you."

Lee stared at him for several moments. Then he forced out a brief thank you and left hurriedly. He stopped a few metres down the corridor and closed his eyes against the leap of pleasure inside and the surge of anger with himself that followed it.

_Why do you still care so much about what he thinks of you? Why? _

----

Kara lifted her head from Zak's shoulder and smiled at him.

"Zak, if you don't let go soon you're going to suffocate me."

He grinned back, but trouble lingered in his eyes. "I'm just checking you're still all there." He gave her one last squeeze and released her.

Kara put a hand against his cheek. "You shouldn't worry about me so much."

"Shouldn't I?" Something flared in his eyes. "Even when you do something insane like go up against eight raiders by yourself?"

Kara shrugged, trying to make light of it. "Well, insanity is my speciality."

"Don't joke about this!" The raw pain in Zak's voice made her flinch inwardly. "Kara, you've got to be more careful-"

"Careful?" Anger leapt inside her, and she embraced it; it was easier to deal with than the guilt stirred up by the look on his face. "Zak, it isn't my job to be careful. My job is to kill Cylons. To protect the fleet. And that's exactly what I did today."

"I know what your job is," he snapped back. "All I'm asking is that you think a little before taking chances. Think of me."

"I can't think of you out there, Zak," she said harshly. Didn't he understand? "I don't have time. All I can think about is the next shot, the next move, the next kill. If I think about anything else I'll get sloppy, and then I'll end up dead."

"You had time to think today," he said sharply. "You turned back to face those raiders deliberately."

"Yes, I did." She glared at him with frustration. "What else was I supposed to do? I'm the CAG, it's my duty to protect my pilots. I had to cover their retreat."

"I know." Zak sighed, and some of the anger died out of his face. "I know, Kara. It's just – hard to watch you sometimes."

"Zak, you can't ask me not to take risks. That's who I am." She folded her arms over her chest in a futile protection against the hurt rising inside.

"I know." He put a hand on her arm.

"Do you?" She brushed it away, staring at him with hard eyes. "I hope so. Because I can't change, Zak, not even for you. If you can't deal with that-"

"I didn't say that!" Zak's eyes were bewildered. "Kara, you're taking this completely the wrong way-"

He was interrupted by the hatch opening. Kara was torn between relief and annoyance as Crashdown poked his head into the briefing room.

"There you are, Starbuck," he said cheerfully, seemingly oblivious to the tense atmosphere. "I just wanted to tell you that we're celebrating in the rec room. Thought you might want to drop by."

"Maybe," said Kara briefly.

Crashdown didn't take the hint. "Come on. You're the only one missing. Kat and Hotdog and Apollo are already there-"

"Who the hell is Apollo?"

"Your brother," said Crashdown, nodding at Zak. "We gave him a callsign."

"You gave him a – _Apollo_?" Kara was almost lost for words. "What did he do to earn that?"

"Well, it seemed to fit," said Crashdown cheerfully. "The son of Zeus, and all that. And he showed today that he's just like his father. He doesn't leave people behind any more than the Old Man does. So, I'll see you in the rec room?"

"In a minute," said Kara absently.

Crashdown grinned and departed. Zak and Kara stared at each other for a moment, their quarrel forgotten.

"_Apollo_?" said Kara. A grin spread across her face as she considered the fun she was going to have with this. It would more than repay Lee for the fleet regs annoyance.

"Son of Zeus?" Zak's mouth stretched into an answering grin. "Lee is just going to hate that." He chuckled. "Shall we go to the rec room? I think it's time for a spot of elder-brother baiting."

Kara laughed. "Lead on."


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter Ten**

Lee stumbled wearily into the pilots' bunkroom, and was relieved to find it empty. He'd just flown his first CAP as a fully-fledged pilot, and it had been more tiring than he expected, particularly following on from a long maintenance shift. All he wanted was some quiet and a chance to sleep. He sat down on the edge of his bunk and slowly began to unlace his boots, yawning widely.

"Tired, Apollo? I thought gods were inexhaustible."

Correction - the bunkroom was _nearly _empty. Lee looked up, scowling, to find Kara grinning down at him from the top bunk opposite.

"Stop calling me that."

Kara's eyes sparkled maliciously. "Aw, Lee, don't you like your new name?"

"It's not my name." Lee finished unlacing his boots with a few angry jerks. "It's a joke, and one I sincerely hope everyone forgets as soon as possible."

"Too late for that. Once you're gifted with a call-sign, you're stuck with it for good. It's tradition."

Lee glared down at the deck. "Frak tradition."

"You can frak it all you like, it won't change anything," Kara said briskly. "Come on Lee, it's not so bad. Better than Hotdog."

Lee scowled, pulling off his socks. In a way, he would have preferred Hotdog. Better than a callsign that had been given to him just for being William Adama's son.

"Why are you so tired, anyway?" asked Kara. "Don't tell me one little CAP wore you out."

Lee looked up at her and glared. He could tell she was trying not to laugh underneath her bland expression.

"_Why_ am I tired? Maybe because I spent three hours searching the maintenance lockers for a part that doesn't frakking exist."

Kara's mouth trembled and the laughter burst out. Lee watched her unsmiling.

"Frak you."

"Really, Apollo, that's no way to talk to your superior officer."

"Very well. Frak you, Captain Thrace, sir."

Kara laughed again. "Well, maybe that will teach you not to steal all the pens for my whiteboard, Ensign Adama."

Lee couldn't help smiling at that memory. "You didn't need them. I thought you did a great job demonstrating how to perform a Picon Arc through actions alone."

Kara pulled a face. "I must have looked like a complete idiot."

"I wouldn't worry." Lee grinned. "No-one would dare to say so to your face."

"Bastard," said Kara, but she grinned back. "And shut up. Some of us are trying to get some sleep." She lay back down, smirking.

Lee stripped down to his tanks and boxers, and lay down on his rack with a sigh of relief…only to find his head hitting something cold and wet. He yelped in surprise and sat back up.

"What the hell…"

Kara peered over the edge of her bunk irritatedly. "What is it now?"

Lee grabbed his pillow and dropped it on the floor in disgust. "This is soaking. Gods know with what." He looked up at Kara suspiciously.

She spread her hands innocently. "Nothing to do with me this time. I restrict our little game to working hours."

True enough. "Sorry." Lee sighed and lay back down. The mattress was hard and uncomfortable without a pillow. "Does everyone on this ship spend all their time playing practical jokes?"

"Hazard of being a nugget," said Kara unsympathetically. "Hazing goes with the territory when you join a new crew."

"I know," said Lee with resignation. "And this is mild, compared to what I've seen on some freighters."

"Why? What goes on?"

Lee opened his mouth to reply and caught his breath as a memory blindsided him. _Harsh, jagged breaths echoing inside his helmet, his hands raw and aching from banging frantically on the locked hatch, the hollow panic in his chest as he watched his oxygen slowly drip away… _

"Lee?"

He shook his head, pushing the memories fiercely away, annoyed that they were still so vivid. That was all over long ago, he should have forgotten all about it. It didn't matter now, he wouldn't let it.

He realised Kara was still waiting for an answer.

"Well, at least here there's no physical injury involved," he said finally. "Look Kara, I really need to get some sleep." He closed his eyes.

"Fine. I wouldn't like to disturb your divine rest."

Lee mustered the energy to raise his hand and extend a finger.

He heard a smothered chuckle, and then something hit him in the chest. His eyes flew open to find a pillow lying on top of him.

He turned his head to look at Kara in surprise. "Thanks."

"No need." She grinned. "I'm tough enough to sleep without one."

Lee chuckled and pulled his curtain shut.

----

Zak finished his shift in CIC and headed to his father's quarters. Even though they were all on the same ship now, Bill had kept up his new custom of regular family dinners.

Zak knocked on the hatch without enthusiasm. He'd enjoyed the meals at first, but since Lee had joined the fleet, the conversation always seemed to be about flying – something Zak couldn't join in.

He didn't know why he was so sensitive about it. It wasn't as though he'd ever had any great desire to fly, apart from the wish to please his father. When he'd failed to get into flight school, he'd never really felt he'd missed out on anything. But…

But it was one thing to have inadequacies. It was another to have them rubbed in your face.

He entered to find his father alone in his cabin, laying the table. Bill looked up and smiled at him.

"Good evening, Captain. Did you get the inquiry room set up for Sergeant Hadrian?"

Zak nodded. "All done. When is the President going public?"

"Some time this evening." His father looked suddenly tired.

"The shit's really going to hit the fan over this one." Zak sat down at the table as his father poured them both a drink.

"I know." Bill sighed. "I'm glad we're all having dinner tonight. It'll take my mind off it."

He put a glass of beer down in front of Zak.

"I'm glad I got the chance to talk to you before Lee arrives," he said, in a tone that made Zak tense. That was the tone he used for difficult topics. "There's something I've been meaning to talk to you about."

"Really?" Zak took his glass warily.

"Yes." Bill sighed and then looked Zak straight in the eye. "It's about the frat regs."

"Oh." Zak took a long swallow of beer.

"You don't seem surprised."

Zak shrugged. "Had to come up sometime. I've been waiting for it ever since I heard that Tigh had put a stop to Boomer and the Chief's relationship." He took a deep breath and met his father's eyes, bracing himself. He'd find out the worst and work out how to deal with it later. "So, are you going to tell me to stop seeing Kara?"

"Those are the rules, Zak. You know that as well as I do."

"I know, but..."

"But what?"

"It still sucks." Zak smiled bitterly, fighting down a surge of anger. Kara was one of the few bright spots left in his life, and now he was being told he couldn't have her, just because of some stupid regulation laid down by someone who had never dreamed of anything like the current situation.

"I know," said Bill. Zak was surprised to see sympathy in his face, and his anger dissipated slightly.

"I'm sorry, Dad. I know it's not your fault. Those are the rules."

"They are," said Bill slowly, "but…"

The tone of his voice made Zak look at him sharply. "But?"

"Well, you and Kara…it's a slightly different situation to Boomer and the Chief. You're equal in rank, and work in different sections of the ship."

"What are you saying?" Hope bubbled up inside him.

"I'm saying that if you keep it discreet, I'll turn a blind eye."

"Thanks, Dad." A broad smile spread over Zak's face. "You don't know how much this means to me."

Bill looked at his face and smiled. "I may have some idea. But remember what I said." He frowned at Zak, but his eyes were still smiling. "Discreet."

"Discreet. Got it." Zak saluted, grinning, as a knock on the hatch signalled Lee's arrival.

"Sorry I'm late," said Lee, taking the seat opposite Zak. "I just got off CAP, and there was a queue for the showers."

"Well, as long as you _did_ shower," joked Zak, as Bill dished up their meal. "If not, I hope Dad put a lot of garlic in the stew."

"Shut up, Zak. I've seen the state of your locker." Lee grinned. "I think the smell knocked me out for a few minutes."

Zak stuck his tongue out amiably as Bill put their plates down in front of them, chuckling.

"Boys, am I going to have to send you to separate rooms?"

Zak grinned as he dug into his stew, but his enjoyment of the meal didn't last. After a few minutes their father asked Lee how he was getting on as a fully-qualified pilot, and they were off. Techniques for staying alert on CAP drifted into the best combat formations and then into the correct way to pull off a Virgon spiral. When Bill started drawing the manoeuvre on the tablecloth with his fork, Zak knocked back the rest of his beer.

"Refill anyone?"

Lee nodded and passed Zak his glass, giving him a slightly odd look.

Zak went to refill the glasses, tuning out their conversation. When he returned to the table though, he knew exactly what had been said. The table cloth had been smoothed, the fork discarded, and his father asked him with careful interest how his work on improving the FTL drive was progressing.

Zak cursed his brother inwardly. Damn Lee. He didn't need his pity.

He took his revenge by describing his work in as much detail as possible, and watched their eyes glaze over with bitter satisfaction.

When the phone rang, Bill almost leaped out of his chair to answer it.

Zak watched his face as he answered, and knew what he was being told. He met his father's eyes as he replaced the receiver.

"Now?"

"Yes." Bill went to switch on the radio.

Lee was looking between them, confused. "What's going on?"

"Just listen."

The reception was erratic, but Laura Roslin's voice echoed around the cabin strongly enough.

"…in the interest of security and public safety, I feel it is time to reveal certain information that has, until now, remained a tightly guarded secret. This information was known o­nly to myself, Commander Adama, and a few select advisers."

Lee was still frowning. He'd opened his mouth to ask another question when Roslin's next words silenced him.

"The Cylons have the ability to mimic human form, they look like us now. We have reason to believe that a Cylon agent was responsible for the explosions aboard Galactica. This man has been identified as a Cylon agent. We believe him to be responsible for the bombing…"

They listened to the rest of her speech in silence, until the reporters started clamouring with questions and Bill snapped the radio off.

"There are times when I'm extremely glad I'm not President," he said wryly, and Zak smiled.

"The Cylons…the Cylons look like us now?" Lee was staring at both of them in numb disbelief.

Bill looked at him gravely. "Yes. I know it's a shock, son."

Lee was silent for a moment. Zak could almost see his mind racing. "So that means…_anyone_ could be a Cylon?"

"Yes," said Bill grimly. "Apparently there are twelve models. We've only identified two."

"Frak."

"Exactly," said Zak.

Lee drew a deep breath. He looked up at their father, and Zak caught his breath. He knew that rigid expression on Lee's face. It always meant trouble.

"And you knew about this?" said Lee tightly. "For how long?"

"Since Ragnar Anchorage," said Bill casually, sitting back down at the table. "I encountered one of these human cylons there."

"Since the day of the attacks?" Lee's voice was rising now. "But that was weeks ago!"

Bill looked at him, brows lowering. "Your point?" he said sharply.

"And you said _nothing_?"

Bill's jaw was tightening now. "I told the people who needed to know."

Zak watched them, dread tightening in his stomach. He felt as if he had been catapulted back to the family dinners of his childhood, watching his father and brother gearing up for battle. He felt as if he should do something, say something to try and calm matters, but he couldn't. His tongue wouldn't seem to work.

"The people who needed to know? A few military flunkies?" Lee's eyes were blazing now. "I'll tell you who needed to know, Dad. The people of this fleet. _They_ needed to know."

Bill sat up in his chair, glaring. "Telling the civilians would have done more harm than good."

"You had no right to keep it from us! This means that Cylons could be living anywhere among us in the fleet. People need to be on their guard-"

"And that would only have led to a witch hunt. People suspecting their neighbours, accusing them of being Cylons on the slightest excuse-"

"Wow, you have a really low opinion of civilians, don't you?" Lee said scornfully. "But then you've always regarded anyone outside the military as a lower species."

"That's absolute crap," snapped Bill. "I was just doing what I thought was best for this fleet."

"And who gave you the right to do that? No-one. You have no authority to decide what the rest of us should and shouldn't know-"

"Well, President Roslin does. Is she civilian enough for your tastes?" Bill's voice was scathing.

"Oh, President Roslin!" Lee dismissed her scornfully. "The school teacher. And who voted for her, exactly? New elections should be held as soon as possible – Tom Zarek was right about that much."

Bill got to his feet, breathing heavily. "Tom Zarek was a terrorist and a murderer."

"Maybe, but some of his ideas made a lot of sense." Lee stared at his father contemptuously. "But I bet you haven't even bothered to read his book, have you? If the government says he's a criminal, then he must be one."

"That's enough, Lee!" Bill growled, and Zak flinched. "I don't have to answer to you."

"Of course you don't." Lee stood to face his father, lips curving scornfully. "How nice it must be, to be so damned certain you're right about everything."

"Don't you talk to me in that tone. Ensign."

Lee stiffened. "And don't you dare pull rank on me. Dad."

They stared at each other for a moment, chins jutting out at an identical stubborn angle. Zak didn't dare move.

Finally his father spoke, low and hard. "Leave. Now."

Lee stared at him for a moment longer, and then his eyes dropped. "My pleasure," he snapped, and stalked out.

Zak looked down at his hands and realised he'd dug his nails into his palms so hard that he'd nearly drawn blood.

So much for their relaxed family dinner.

----

He ended up going after Lee, of course. Childhood habits kicking right back in. He caught up with his brother halfway down the corridor.

"Lee, wait a minute!"

Lee stopped and rounded on him sharply; his temper was obviously still running at full steam. "Why? So you can defend him?"

Zak sighed wearily, annoyed with himself. Why was he doing this? Why did he still feel he had to act as peacemaker between them? "Lee…"

"Or are you defending yourself?" Lee snapped, his eyes bright and accusing. "You knew about this too, didn't you?"

"Yes, since Ragnar. So?" Zak found his own temper stirring. Lee always irritated the hell out of him in one of these moods.

"And you just kept quiet about it?"

"Yes."

"You didn't think the rest of us had a right to know?"

"Lee, calm down." Futile words, no doubt, but he had to try. "For what it's worth I agree with you; I think the news should have been made public sooner. If for no other reason than that everyone was looking for the models we've already identified. Today's bombing might not have happened then."

"What – you _agree_ with me?" Lee stared at him. "Then why didn't you do anything about it? Make the news public?"

"Lee, it wasn't my decision to make! It was the President's – and Dad's."

"And you just went along with it?"

"I followed my orders," said Zak impatiently. "That's what we do in the military, Lee." Sarcasm throbbed through his voice.

Lee frowned. "Even if you don't agree with the decision? Even if it goes against what you think is right?"

"Yes."

Lee smiled scornfully. "Just sounds like a convenient excuse to do nothing to me."

Zak's temper finally snapped. "Oh really? Tell me, Lee, what the frak do you think would happen if everyone in fleet service started questioning their orders? Second guessing their officers? The military would fall apart."

"I understand that," said Lee impatiently. "But when obeying conflicts with your own principles-"

"It doesn't matter!" Didn't Lee understand? It was so clear to Zak; why couldn't his brother see it? "When you swear the oath, take the uniform, you put everything personal to one side. Your duty to the fleet, to your commanding officer, comes first. You have to trust that your commander knows what he's doing…and he usually does. He has more experience, access to information that you may not have."

"So you just let someone else do your thinking for you?" Lee said with disgust. "I thought better of you, Zak."

Zak flinched, but he shot back. "And I thought better of _you_. You're making this all way too simple, just seizing on any excuse to criticise Dad."

"Zak-"

"Don't pretend this is all about abstract moral questions, Lee. It's about you rebelling against Dad, just like always."

"Zak." Something flickered in Lee's eyes. "Don't – just don't go there."

Zak stared at him, exasperated. Typical Lee, avoiding the real issue. He might have pushed it, but he didn't have the energy. "Fine."

Lee shifted uncomfortably. "Zak-"

"Lee, you've got to stop thinking like a civilian." He was going to have his say on this issue if nothing else. "You're in the military now, and you have to live by our rules." Some of the things Lee had been saying were uncomfortably close to mutiny.

"I understand that, Zak." Lee's eyes were cooler now. "Look, I think it's best if I go. I need to calm down."

Zak nodded. He'd had about enough of his brother this evening anyway.

It wasn't until several minutes after Lee had gone that he realised that while Lee had said he understood, he hadn't said that he agreed with him.


	11. Chapter 11

**Author's Note:** Just to say thank you to everyone who has reviewed this story, it's much appreciated. And many thanks to my two beta readers, yannik and JATNJ.

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**Chapter Eleven**

Lee drew the curtain across his bunk and lay down with a sigh of relief, closing his eyes.

He had a few precious off-duty hours and knew he shouldn't be wasting them sleeping. He should get some food, put in some time at the gym, maybe visit the rec room and see if there was a triad game going.

And he would do all that…soon. He just needed a few minutes to lie back and relax while the bunkroom was quiet. The silence would be shattered by the shift change in about fifteen minutes; he'd get up and start doing things then.

Unfortunately for him, the silence was shattered only a few minutes later. Two people entered, obviously in the throes of an argument. After a moment, Lee realised who the voices belonged to. He groaned and pulled his pillow over his head to drown out the words.

It didn't work. He could hear his brother and Kara all too clearly.

"Zak, how many times do I have to tell you that I'm fine?"

"And how many times do I have to tell _you_ that I can see you're not?" Zak sounded as angry as she did. The argument must have been going on for some time.

"What, you think I'm all choked up over air-locking a Cylon?" Kara's voice had a dangerous edge to it. "You know me better than that."

"That's not what I…look, the president told me he said some odd things to you during the interrogation."

"Did she say what?" An even more dangerous tone. _Careful, Zak, careful…_

"No. Just that she thought you might be upset by them."

"Good," Kara said harshly. "She had no right to tell you anything."

"She was just concerned about you," Zak replied sharply. "So am I."

"There's no need. I said I'm fine." Even Lee could tell that was a lie, and he couldn't see her face.

So he wasn't surprised to hear Zak lose his temper. "Of course you are," his brother said cuttingly. "You're always fine, aren't you, Kara? You'd be fine even if you were bleeding to death."

"Do you have a point?" Kara snapped defensively.

"Gods, Kara, can't you just talk to me? Just once? Is that so hard?"

"There's nothing to talk about."

"Bullshit. What you mean is that you _won't_ talk to me." Zak laughed bitterly.

"Fine!" Kara exploded. "Fine! Yes, it does. I don't want to talk to you."

"Great. So I'm good enough to frak, but not to talk to about your problems? That makes me feel really special."

The hurt in his brother's voice made Lee pull the pillow closer around his head. He shouldn't be listening to this. He started reciting the pre-flight checklist in his head to drown their voices out, and hoped to the gods that neither of them noticed his bunk was occupied.

So he didn't hear Kara's reply, but he could tell from her tone it was lacerating. A few more heated words, and the hatch shut with a bang, and the only noise in the bunkroom was Kara swearing viciously, her breath hitching.

After a moment he heard her climb up to her bunk. Lee cautiously pushed his pillow to one side and raised his arm to check his watch, trying to move as little as possible.

Still eight minutes to shift change. Damn.

He lay there for a moment, still and silent, until Kara's voice made him jump.

"Lee, I know you're there."

Frak. He took a moment to brace himself, and then pulled back his curtain, blinking and trying to look as if he'd just woken up.

"Kara? Is that you?"

Her smile was sour, and her eyes brittle and dangerous. "Don't even bother, Lee. No-one could sleep through that little scene. Did you enjoy the show?"

Lee knew better than to answer that. He wasn't about to act as a punching bag to replace Zak. Unless…his eyes fell on something at the end of his rack and an idea sprang into his mind.

Why not? He could handle it, and it was preferable to her taking out this mood on some of the other pilots.

He stood up, reached for the boxing gloves and held them up in front of Kara's face. "Want to go a round?"

Her eyes widened. For once she looked genuinely surprised. "You sure?"

Lee nodded.

Kara smiled, but her eyes were hard. "I warn you, I don't pull my punches, even at the best of times."

"Neither do I," said Lee calmly. You didn't last long as a crewman on a freighter if you pulled your punches.

Although there they didn't use boxing gloves. His father had given them to him a few weeks ago, seeming to think regular sparring matches were a good way to repair father-son ties.

He had to admit it had worked to some extent. Their last bout had been the day after their argument about the cylons. A few fierce blows had defused the tension, and when they finished his father had simply said: "Dinner next week?" and Lee had nodded.

And that was it; everything was smoothed over. No apologies, no talking; just an unspoken agreement to pretend it hadn't happened.

Zak would probably say they needed to talk about it to solve anything, Lee mused as he followed Kara down the corridors to the gym. And he was probably right.

But in this case he had to admit he sympathised with Kara. Sometimes it was better not to talk.

----

Neither of them pulled their punches. When Kara eventually called a halt and they collapsed, sweaty and breathless, in a corner of the gym, Lee had a split lip and Kara had a nasty bruise under one eye.

"I needed that," said Kara when she caught her breath.

Lee felt his lip and winced. "Happy to oblige."

Kara saw his wince and shrugged. "I'm not going to apologise."

"I'd be insulted if you did."

He saw her lips curve reluctantly. "You're a strange one, Lee Adama."

"Takes one to know one," he shot back, and she really smiled this time.

They sat there quietly for a moment. Lee used his teeth to pull off his gloves and started unwrapping the bandages from his hands.

"Do you believe in destiny?"

"What?" Lee turned to look at her, startled. Had he heard correctly?

"Do you believe in destiny, Lee?" It seemed he had.

"No," he said truthfully. "I believe in free will. We choose our own paths and make our own destinies."

"Oh." Kara smiled slowly. "So you're a die-hard atheist, just like the rest of your family?"

Lee nodded, and she laughed. "That callsign really _was_ inappropriate."

"What about you?" he said cautiously. "Do _you_ believe in destiny?"

The smile died away and she looked troubled for a moment. "I don't know. I believe in fate."

"What do you mean by that?"

"I mean that I believe that we reap what we sow. That the gods treat us as we deserve."

"So the good are rewarded and the wicked punished?"

"Yes." There was something in Kara's eyes that disturbed him. "If you offend the gods, then you pay for it."

It sounded a rather harsh philosophy to Lee. "But what about mercy?"

Kara's eyes flickered in surprise, and that disturbing expression disappeared. "Mercy?"

"Oh, that's right; your gods don't have much time for mercy, do they?" Lee kept his tone light. "Now I'm remembering why I became an atheist."

Kara frowned. "The gods do show mercy occasionally. But only for those who deserve it."

"But isn't that the whole point of mercy? That it's bestowed on those who _don't_ deserve it? Otherwise it's not mercy."

Kara turned to look at him suspiciously. "You aren't going to start quoting philosophy books at me, are you?"

It was an obvious distraction, but Lee went along with it. "Don't worry. I haven't read any philosophy recently enough to quote it."

"That's a relief." Kara smiled and went back to staring at the opposite wall.

Lee finished unwrapping his hands. He was about to get up and announce he was hitting the showers when Kara spoke again.

"That Cylon today…he said I had a destiny."

Oh. Lee caught his breath and considered his reply carefully. "Did he say what?"

"No. Just some mystical gabble about streams and the players staying the same but changing. Oh, and he said we were going to find Kobol and it would lead us to Earth."

Lee kept his face as blank as he could, but Kara shot him a knowing look. "You think this is all ridiculous, don't you?"

Lee shrugged. "Maybe. I would have said Kobol was as imaginary as Earth a few weeks ago. But Earth apparently exists after all. Why not Kobol as well?"

"I thought you were an atheist."

"I am. But there may well be a grain of historical truth among all the mystical…legends."

Kara smiled. "Very diplomatic."

"Well, you _are _still wearing your gloves. I'm being cautious."

Kara looked down at the floor and sighed. "I know what the Cylon said was ridiculous. Probably all lies to confuse us. But…"

"But what?"

Kara closed her eyes. She was silent for so long that Lee thought she wasn't going to answer.

"He…knew things." Her voice was so quiet Lee had to strain to hear her. "Things about my past. Things he couldn't have known."

"Why couldn't he?" asked Lee briskly.

Kara looked up in surprise. "What do you mean?"

"Well, it's practically a certainty that the Cylons have agents in the fleet. They know who hold the key positions here, and I'm sure they're in communication with their colleagues back in the Colonies. Who no doubt have access to all the computer records there."

Understanding and relief sparked in Kara's eyes. "You mean…you think they investigated me?"

"I'm sure they've checked out the background of everyone they think is important. And you're one of the highest-ranking officers left. They wouldn't have overlooked you."

"I suppose it's possible," said Kara slowly.

"It's good strategy," said Lee crisply. "Know your enemy, use her weaknesses against her. It makes far more sense than mystical destinies."

Kara smiled reluctantly. "You're infuriatingly logical, aren't you? But you're right, it does make sense."

She didn't sound entirely convinced, though. Lee marshalled his final argument.

"Okay, say for a minute what this Cylon said was true. That he genuinely believes that you do have a destiny. But that's the destiny of his religion, not yours. You don't worship his god; what power does he have over you? Your own gods may have their own destiny for you, and that's stronger than any Cylon one."

Kara was silent for a moment.

"Did I mention how much I hate logical arguments?" The look she sent him was irritated, but the trouble had vanished from her eyes, and Lee was satisfied.

"I promise not to inflict any more logic on you for at least twenty-four hours, then," he said, standing up. "Now, I'm going to hit the showers and get some food."

Kara started to pull off her gloves. "Sounds like a good idea."

Lee walked away, but after a few steps he paused and turned. "Kara…"

"Yes?"

"I know it's none of my business, but…don't be too hard on Zak. He was just trying to help."

"You're right. It _is_ none of your business," was all Kara said, but her eyes softened, and Lee left feeling satisfied.

He'd done what he could. The rest was up to his brother.


	12. Chapter 12

**Author's Note: ** Well, I was going straight on to the tylium mission, but I couldn't resist writing my own version of 'dinner with the Tighs'. So the tylium mission is delayed till the next chapter. Hope you enjoy this one!

-------------------------------------------

**Chapter Twelve**

Lee wasn't sure if his words on Zak's behalf helped or not. Either way, Zak and Kara obviously sorted out their problems, because a few days later he walked into Kara's office to deliver a maintenance report and found them wrapped in each other's arms.

"Sorry!" Lee had a nasty feeling he was blushing. It was one thing knowing his little brother had a love life, but quite another to actually see it.

Kara turned in Zak's arms, looking at him with irritation. "Really, Apollo, have you never heard of knocking?"

Lee knew he was definitely blushing now; he could feel it. It annoyed him and he struck back. "Have you two never heard of locking the hatch? I thought Dad told you to be discreet."

Zak rolled his eyes. "We _are_ being discreet, that's why we didn't lock the hatch. That would be a dead giveaway."

Lee stared at him. "And this is isn't?" Sometimes he just didn't understand other people's logic.

"No." Zak grinned. "On a list of people likely to go blabbing to Dad about this, I'd put you at the bottom. After all, you'd actually have to speak to him." There was a bite to the final words that made Lee feel uncomfortable.

"I _am _speaking to him," he said defensively. He was. He was just making sure to avoid controversial topics.

"Good." Zak was smiling again, and seemed to be letting it slide. Lee relaxed. "That will make tonight more bearable."

"Tonight?" said Lee, and then groaned as he remembered. "Oh gods. Dad's dinner party."

"I've just been convincing Kara to come along."

Lee shot Kara a look of surprise. "And you agreed? That must have been some convincing."

She pulled a face at him. "The food will be better there than in the mess. Besides, I'm not going to pass up an opportunity to see that woman for myself."

"President Roslin?" Lee had never thought Kara was the political type.

"No, you moron, Ellen Tigh! I want to see if all the rumours are true. Some of them are pretty hair-raising."

They were. Lee had heard most of them in the hours since the XO's wife had been miraculously found alive in the fleet. If they were all true, it explained a lot of things about Tigh.

"They probably_ are_ true," said Zak. "I warn you, Lee, make sure you're sitting as far away from her as possible this evening."

"Why?"

Zak grimaced. "Let's just say…her feet have a tendency to stray under the table."

It took Lee a moment to process what he meant. Kara was far quicker to catch on.

"How far do they stray exactly?" she asked sharply.

"Well…she didn't stop at my leg," said Zak finally. "I had to make a swift exit."

Lee shuddered at the image. "Thanks for the warning."

"No problem," said Zak. His face looked as if he had swallowed something unpleasant. "It still gives me the shivers just thinking about it."

"Well, she'd better keep her feet to herself this evening," said Kara with a dangerous smile. "Or I'll make her regret it."

"I'm more interested to meet President Roslin," said Lee, thinking it might be a good idea to move on with the conversation.

"I'm surprised to hear that," said Zak with a mocking smile. "I thought she was just a schoolteacher who had no right to be in office because no-one voted for her?"

Kara was chuckling. "You should say that to her tonight, Lee. That should liven up the evening."

Lee scowled at his brother. He didn't need Zak throwing his words back in his face. "That doesn't mean I'm not interested to meet her. See what she's like."

"Oh, _Zak_ can tell you what she's like," said Kara, with a teasing glance at his brother. "After all, he's her military advisor. They have a _special_ relationship."

Zak grinned amiably. "Shut up, Kara."

"How did you get to be her advisor anyway?" Lee asked. Not that Zak wasn't a good choice for the job; he was just surprised Roslin hadn't picked someone older and more experienced.

"It was chance, really. She came to visit Dad on Galactica not long after the attacks. Dad arranged a formal reception, and while we were escorting her to CIC, I heard her say to Billy Keikeya how silly it was, but that Dad obviously liked his ceremonies and she'd have to indulge him."

Lee blinked. "But Dad hates all that kind of thing. Unnecessary fuss, he calls it."

Zak nodded. "He was only doing it to make her feel more comfortable in her new role as President. Which is exactly what I pointed out to her. She said it was a very useful insight, and before I knew what was happening I was her military advisor."

"Bet Dad loved that one." Lee could just imagine his reaction.

Zak grinned. "Oh, he makes the odd sarcastic comment every now and then about getting too big for my boots and not listening to civilians. I just try not to remind him about it." He looked at his watch. "I'd better go; I'm on shift in CIC. See you at the dinner party of doom."

"Doom?" Kara pulled a face. "I'm not sure I like the sound of that. You'd better convince me again."

Lee sighed. "I'll turn my back."

----

It seemed an incredibly long time before he heard the hatch close behind Zak. His brother's idea of payback for walking in on them, he supposed. Oh well. It was just good to see both of them happy again.

"So what did you want to see me about?" asked Kara.

Lee put the papers he was carrying down on her desk. "Maintenance reports."

Kara groaned. "More reports to add to the endless pile. Sometimes I wonder if there even is a desk under there any more."

Lee could understand what she meant. There was so much paper stacked on and around the desk that it was barely visible.

"The joys of being the CAG, huh?"

"What joys?" said Kara, with a harsh edge that made Lee look at her curiously. She sighed. "Even the dinner party of doom is preferable to wading through this lot."

"You have to deal with all this yourself?" Lee was mildly horrified. He hadn't realised that Kara's job involved quite so much work. She certainly didn't let it show. His admiration for her rose a level.

Kara nodded gloomily. "In addition to flying CAP and training nuggets. Oh, the glamorous life of a viper pilot."

"Couldn't you get an assistant, or something? To help you sort all this out?"

"Like who exactly?" Kara's voice was scathing. "We're under-staffed as it is, and I'm not going to ask anyone to give up their free time just because I can't manage my job."

"What if they offered?" said Lee cautiously. He hoped she wasn't going to jump down his throat.

She appeared to be considering it, but she contented herself with a glare. "I can do my job, Apollo."

"I know you can," he said quickly, "but you're doing two jobs at once – CAG and flight instructor. Anyone would need help."

She glared at him for a moment longer, and then sighed, shoulders slumping. "It's nice of you to offer, Lee, but what could you do? You're barely more than a nugget still."

Lee considered. "I'm sure even a nugget could organise those piles for you," he said after a moment. He looked at her sideways. "Unless you're going to tell me that this mess is actually a clever filing system and you know exactly where each piece of paper is."

Kara smiled reluctantly. "I'd love to, but no, it isn't. That _would_ help."

"Then I'll get to it," said Lee briskly. "I've got an hour free before my next shift."

Kara frowned. "Are you sure, Lee? You really don't have to."

Lee shrugged. "I'd like to help – and I might learn something. Besides," he grinned, "I'm just doing Zak a favour. Putting you in a better mood."

Kara grinned back. "Oh well, if it's a favour for _Zak_…"

"Nothing more. I'm certainly not interested in doing _you_ a favour."

Kara laughed. "Very well then," she said. "Thanks."

Lee picked up the first pile of papers, which seemed to be flight evaluations. He spotted a filing cabinet in the corner of the office, and opened it, meaning to file them away. Every drawer proved to be empty. He turned to look at Kara, who shrugged.

"Paperwork's never been my thing."

"I can see that." Lee put on a long-suffering face. "I'll just have to start you a filing system from scratch. Have you even heard of the concept?"

Kara grinned unrepentantly. "It's like you're talking a foreign language."

Lee sighed and got to work. He was glad he'd persuaded her to let him help. She obviously needed it, even if she refused to admit it, and without it she'd end up working herself into the ground.

He was halfway through his stack of papers when she spoke from behind him.

"I suppose you've got insanely neat handwriting?"

"What makes you think that?"

"It just figures."

Lee didn't think he wanted to pursue that comment. He doubted the response would be flattering. "Why do you ask?"

"I was wondering…I have some CAP schedules that need copying out. I've done them but they're a scrawl, and it takes so long to re-write them. I thought you could help. If you like." She finished almost hesitantly.

Lee smiled to himself. "I'll have a look when I've finished these papers."

----

Lee followed Zak's advice and made sure that he sat at the other end of the table from Ellen Tigh. That put him next to President Roslin and opposite his dad, but it was definitely the lesser of two evils. He was amused to see that Kara deliberately took the seat opposite Ellen herself.

Laura Roslin wasn't what Lee had expected, but he wasn't sure why. He supposed he had been expecting someone older and more obviously imposing. Though there was something about Roslin's quiet poise and shrewd eyes that told Lee she was more formidable than she initially appeared.

Ellen Tigh was more formidable than she appeared too, but in a very different way. She quickly took over the conversation, rambling on about her observations in the fleet.

"Sure, there's a lot of whining and complaining, like you would expect. But the people I talked to are mostly hopeful and optimistic."

Optimistic? That was pushing it, Lee thought. Most of the people he'd met were still in shock really. Sure, they were hanging on, doing their jobs, but he had the suspicion that deep down most of them were still hoping this was all a horrible dream from which they were about to wake up.

He bit his tongue though. He'd promised Zak he wouldn't start an argument this evening.

He wondered if Laura Roslin had made a similar resolution. There was a sceptical expression in her eyes, but she just smiled blandly and murmured, "That's good to hear."

Ellen smiled back. "Well, there are a few people who still might wonder if a kindergarten teacher is really the right person to be President, but it's just a tiny, tiny minority."

Lee almost choked on his drink, but again Laura Roslin let it flow over her. "Wonderful, wonderful."

If Ellen was annoyed that her barb didn't seem to have gone home, she didn't show it. Instead she discovered her glass was empty and smiled at Zak. "Zak…could I trouble you for a little bit more of this lovely ambrosia?"

Zak smiled neutrally and refilled her glass.

"Thank you, dear." She smiled at Zak in a way that made Kara's brows snap together. "You've grown into such a handsome man. Bill, you must be so proud of your son…well, your _sons_, I should say." She switched her gaze to Lee, with a predatory edge that made Lee recoil inwardly. "But then I haven't seen Lee for such a long time, and you never told me what he was doing…I swear I'd nearly forgotten you _had _another son. Wasn't that silly of me?" She laughed merrily, but Lee wasn't fooled. She'd meant to draw blood.

He looked at his father's suddenly rigid face, and anger flared up. He wasn't going to let her drag all their family difficulties out in public like this.

"It's not really surprising," he said, keeping his voice casual. "I've been travelling a lot the last few years, and I've never been much of a letter writer. Dad had no idea whether I was on Canceron or Virgon half the time."

Zak was quick to follow his lead. "Well, he's got you under his eye now, Lee."

A flicker of a smile crossed Bill's face as he turned to Ellen. "The captain of the Rising Star was a little puzzled as to how you got o­n board his ship."

Ellen waved her glass airily. "Oh, I know, I know. Some thoughtful soul just rescued me from an almost certain death and put me o­n the last flight out of Picon!"

"How lucky for us all," Laura Roslin murmured. Lee caught her eye and had to bite his lip to keep from laughing.

Bill kept on the attack. "The strange thing is that no o­ne can recall giving you any medical assistance until about a week ago."

"Oh, I know! I know. It's a miracle I'm alive!" Ellen smiled brilliantly. Lee had to admit she was good. Not many people could stand up to his father.

"It is indeed," said Tigh, smiling at her.

Lee felt he couldn't stand much more of this. Dinner party of doom, indeed. He turned to Laura Roslin.

"President Roslin, is it true there's to be a meeting of the new Quorum on Colonial Day?"

"It is." She seemed to be equally relieved by the change of topic. "On Cloud Nine."

"What do you plan to discuss?" Lee asked. He was suddenly aware his father was frowning at him across the table. He ignored it.

"A variety of issues. Ration distribution, education, organising medical services…"

"And will you be setting a date for the presidential elections?"

"Lee." His father was now sending him a full force glare. "This isn't the place-"

"It's all right, Commander." Laura Roslin smiled, not fazed in the slightest. "It's a perfectly reasonable question." She looked at Lee, her smile widening. "You don't beat around the bush, do you? I can tell you're an Adama."

Lee ignored both of them, focusing on his point. "As I understand it, according to the articles you're serving out the rest of President Adar's term. So there should be an election in seven months."

Roslin was still smiling, but there was a glint in her eyes. "You're very well-versed in the articles."

Lee shrugged. "I've always been interested in politics. And you haven't answered my question."

"Lee!"

Roslin raised a pacifying hand. "He's right, I haven't. Yes, Ensign Adama, I will be holding elections. But you'll have to wait and find out the exact date along with everyone else on Colonial Day."

Lee opened his mouth to reply, but he was interrupted by Zak. He pushed his chair back abruptly from the table, knocking Lee's arm and nearly sending his drink flying.

Everyone stared at him and he flushed. "Um...I'll just clear these dishes."

"You are so sweet," said Ellen, with a smile that made Zak flush even deeper.

"I'll help you," said Lee, getting up. He was equally eager to get away from Bill's glare.

He followed Zak over to the kitchen area.

"Are you all right?"

Zak was swearing under his breath. "That woman has longer legs than I thought."

Lee glanced back at the table and grinned. "Do you see the way Kara's glaring at her? If looks could kill…"

"What, like the way Dad's looking at you?" Zak muttered angrily. "I asked you not to start any arguments tonight, Lee."

"I was asking a perfectly legitimate question. I might never get another chance to talk to the president."

"You certainly won't if Dad has anything to do with it. Are you deliberately trying to provoke him?"

Lee bit his tongue on a sharp reply and headed back to the table.

"So, Bill," Ellen was saying, "the question o­n everyone's mind – and I do mean everyone – is... where's Earth and when do we get there?"

"That's classified information," said Bill firmly.

Ellen pulled a disgusted face. "Oh, that word again!"

Tigh intervened, casting an awkward look at Bill. "Ellen, leave the man alone."

Ellen ignored him. "Come o­n, if there are no privileges of being an XO's wife, then what's the point? I mean, Bill, we're all family here. Come o­n..."

Lee could have told her those kind of tactics would have absolutely no effect on his father.

"The need for secrecy is paramount, Ellen."

"Perhaps you don't know that the Cylons look like us now," said Roslin, with a gently patronising smile that made Lee want to applaud. "It's recent news. Most people just found out a few days ago."

"Most of us," Lee muttered, and found himself on the receiving end of another Bill Adama glare.

"Any one of us could be a Cylon."

A tense silence fell. Lee shivered inwardly. He'd had days to consider that idea, and it hadn't made it any less terrifying. To think that you could be living alongside a Cylon and not even know…

He almost jumped out of his skin when Ellen shrieked – and he wasn't the only one. Even Tigh looked ruffled.

"Ellen, what is it now?"

Ellen didn't answer for a moment. She was staring at Kara, and for the first time that evening she seemed shaken out of her complacency.

Kara smiled sweetly back.

Ellen took a deep breath, and recovered her poise. She turned to Bill with a warm smile.

"Lovely as this evening has been, we should be going." She turned her smile on Tigh, trailing a hand down his cheek. "Saul and I have a lot of missed evenings to catch up on."

Tigh smiled back, draining his glass. "We sure do."

Lee closed his eyes briefly. He really hadn't needed that image.

The President decided to leave as well, and Bill saw them all to the door. Roslin lingered for a few private words after the Tighs had stumbled out, and Zak and Lee immediately pounced on Kara.

"What the hell did you do to make her shriek like that?" Zak demanded.

Kara grinned smugly. "Showed her that two can play at the footsie game." Her eyes had the gleeful expression they got after taking out several raiders. "Guess those rumours were exaggerated after all. She's not as adventurous as all that."

The sheer outrageousness of it took their breath away. Zak stared at her, his mouth working soundlessly, while Lee burst out laughing. He'd never met anyone like her.

"I don't know what you find so amusing, Lee," snapped Bill, returning to the table. "What the hell did you think you were doing this evening?"

Lee met his eyes defiantly. "What do you mean?"

"You know damn well what I mean. How dare you interrogate the president like that?"

"I wasn't interrogating her. I was asking a simple question – and one that needed to be asked," said Lee tightly. "It would be all too easy for her to take advantage of this situation to ignore the articles."

"She would never do that, Lee." That was Zak, shaking his head firmly. "I know her, and she's not like that at all. She respects the law."

"Anyway, that's not the point," said Bill sharply. "The point is that I will not have you embarrassing me like that in front of my guests-"

"I'll say what I like," snapped Lee.

"Not in my quarters."

"Or what? You'll send me to my room? I'm not a teenager any more, Dad."

"You'll forgive me if I find that hard to remember," said Bill tightly. "Because of course I missed out on all the years in between."

Direct hit. Lee barely kept from flinching, but he fought back. "Well, maybe that's the reason I have a mind of my own, instead of just being an obedient little clone of you. And you just can't deal with that, can you Dad?"

"Lee…" The tension in his brother's voice made him turn. "Dad." Zak looked from one to the other of them, his eyes dark with distress. "Don't do this. Not again. Please."

To Lee's amazement, their father's face wavered, softened. How did Zak do it? How did he manage to reach him so easily?

He pushed the surge of jealousy down, suddenly desperate to get away from all this. "Don't worry, Zak. I was just leaving anyway."

As he opened the hatch, his father's parting shot drifted across the room. "Well after all, leaving's what you're best at."


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter Thirteen**

"Rumour has it that there's an op coming up," said Hotdog, finishing his last mouthful of dinner and pushing his tray to one side.

"The tylium mine? I heard," said Kat, sipping her coffee. "Don't know if it's true though."

They both turned to look at Lee.

"What?" he asked defensively, putting down his fork. "What makes you think I know anything?"

Hotdog grinned. "Well, you're the one with connections in high places."

Lee grimaced. "If you think my father tells me anything just because I'm his son, you couldn't be more wrong. If anything, I'm usually the last person to know."

"Actually, in this case I was thinking of the CAG."

"Starbuck?"

"Come on, Apollo," said Kat impatiently. "All that time you spend in her office, you must have heard something-"

"I haven't. I'm there to file paperwork, not to gossip."

"File paperwork? Is that what they're calling it these days-" Hotdog broke off abruptly as Kat elbowed him in the ribs.

Lee stared at him coldly. "I don't think I quite caught that, Costanza. Do you want to repeat it?"

Hotdog swallowed nervously. "Sorry, Apollo. It was just a joke."

"Well, I didn't find it amusing. I don't think my brother would either."

"Calm down, Apollo, he didn't mean it." Kat smiled, trying to defuse the tension. "You know how his mouth runs ahead of his brain sometimes."

The hard look died out of Lee's face. "You mean he has a brain?" They all laughed with relief.

Lee pushed back his chair and stood up. "I really haven't heard anything about this op. But if I do, you'll be the first to know."

----

"So, I hear we're planning an attack on that tylium mine," said Lee as he entered Kara's office a few hours later.

"What the hell?" Kara looked up from the photos covering her desk with annoyance. "Is nothing secret around here? I only found out myself this morning."

Lee shrugged. "You know how fast news travels." He cast a curious glance down at the photos. "Is this it?"

Kara nodded. "I've got a meeting with Zak and Tigh in an hour to come up with a plan. Your father wants something 'out-of-the-box'." She pulled a face.

Lee couldn't resist teasing her. "I thought out-of-the-box was where you lived?"

"Shut up." She scowled at him. "I'm not a wind-up toy that performs on demand. I need inspiration." She glared down at the photos. "And so far I'm not getting it."

"Maybe you need a break," Lee suggested. "How long have you been staring at these?"

"Two hours."

"Why don't you grab some food from the mess? Clear your head a little."

"I don't know. I really don't have time-"

"When did you last eat?" He watched her struggle to remember and sighed. "Point proved, I think. You'll be no good in that meeting if you keel over from hunger. Get some food."

"All right!" Kara got to her feet with a great show of reluctance. "If it'll shut you up, it'll be worth it. You're such a fusspot, Lee."

"Yeah, yeah." He watched her leave with a grin. It still surprised him that they'd fallen into friendship so easily and comfortably, as if they'd known each other for years instead of weeks. It usually took him a while to get on easy terms with people; he was only just starting to relax with Kat and Hotdog. Before Kara, the only person he'd ever felt instantly comfortable with was Emma.

He missed Emma a lot. He managed to speak to her over the comms at least once a week, and had even sneaked a couple of visits back to the Caprican Star, but it wasn't the same. Her absence left a huge gap in his life, and it was good to have Kara to fill it, at least a little.

Emma seemed to be managing fine without him. Martin, her new co-pilot, had picked up his duties quickly, and the fact that he'd lived among the passengers for so long had eased relations with them considerably. He dealt with most of their complaints without needing to bother Emma, leaving her free to keep the crew in line. Lee was glad for her that things were working out, but at the same time he felt a little hurt as well. It was almost as if he'd never lived on the Caprican Star, as if he hadn't been needed there at all, and that rankled, even though he knew it was irrational.

He shook himself impatiently and tried to distract himself by looking at the photos of the tylium mine, trying to work out what the various structures were. There was the opening to the mine….there was the refining plant…and that thin line must be some kind of conveyor belt to transport the ore from the mine. And those must be the flak guns of the Cylon defences. They looked formidable.

Lee took a deep breath. Even from this brief glance, he could see that capturing the tylium was not going to be easy. But what other choice was there? They were desperately short of fuel, and this was the only source they had found. But if they attacked and failed…that would be it. Game over.

His hand tightened on the edge of the desk. He just hoped Kara and Zak came up with a good plan.

----

They did. Zak presented it to all the pilots at a briefing two days later, and Lee was impressed. It was sneaky enough that it might actually work, using the cylons' own tactics against them.

He was impressed by the way Zak presented it too. Working in different parts of the ship as they did, he'd rarely seen his brother in official mode before.

It was almost like watching a different person. Zak's usual laid-back demeanour had completely disappeared; he was focused and serious, explaining the plan clearly and succinctly, making sure each of the groups of pilots understood exactly what their role was. After the briefing finished he stayed in the room, answering questions from nervous nuggets patiently, offering reassurance when needed. Lee watched him with a dawning sense of revelation. For the first time the thought crossed his mind that maybe Zak had joined the military because it suited him, not just to please their father.

Finally, only Kara and Zak were left in the room. Lee got up from his seat and went down to join them at the front.

"Good plan."

"Thanks." Zak's confident mask slipped for the first time. "I just hope to the gods it works."

"It has to," said Kara bluntly. "We're not going to get any second chances."

Lee looked at their tense faces and tried to reassure them. "It'll work. I have faith in you both."

Kara rolled her eyes. "That's so reassuring coming from you, Mr. Atheist."

"It should be. My faith is rarely bestowed and therefore worth having."

"Don't start," groaned Zak, but his expression had eased slightly. He put a hand on Lee's arm. "Look after yourself tomorrow, big brother."

"You don't need to worry," said Kara. "He's flying in my group; I'll take good care of him."

Zak sent her a wry look. "Maybe that's why I'm worrying."

----

Lee couldn't sleep that night, despite his best efforts. The thought of tomorrow was too daunting. He'd had a few more encounters with squads of raiders while out on CAP in the last few weeks. As his father had predicted, each one had been less confusing, and he'd managed to take down a few more cylons, but he still landed back on Galactica unsure how he'd made it in one piece.

Tomorrow was going to be different though. Tomorrow was going to be a full-scale battle, not just a small skirmish. A completely different league. Just the thought made his muscles tense and his mouth turn dry.

Weirdly enough, the thought that scared him the most wasn't dying. Of course that was part of it, but what worried him more was that he'd screw up. That he'd freeze up out there tomorrow, be of no use at all, hamper the more experienced pilots.

He ended up wandering down to the hangar bay and sat there staring at his viper, mentally running through all the combat lessons Kara had given them in his head. _Turn into your attacker…get close before you pull the trigger…_

"Can't sleep?"

His father's voice made him jump. He turned round, blinking in confusion. What was Dad doing down here in the middle of the night?

"I never can either before a big op. And this one's definitely a big one."

Bill sat down next to him, and Lee tensed, unnerved by this sudden friendliness. He hadn't spoken to his dad since the argument they'd had after the dinner party.

There had been no opportunity for a private conversation, but he knew that was just an excuse. He could have sought his father out if he'd wanted to, but he hadn't. Truth be told, he'd had no idea what to say, how to respond to that last comment of his father's that had cut more deeply than he wanted to admit.

Lee pushed the memory away and returned to the topic at hand. "It is. But we can pull it off, Dad." He smiled slightly. "We have to."

Bill nodded. He stared at the viper for a moment, and then reached into his pocket.

"I've got something for you." He dropped a cigarette lighter into Lee's hand. The metal shone under the harsh lights.

Lee looked up at Bill curiously.

"It belonged to your grandfather. My mother bought it for him when he was in law college. See the engraving o­n it?"

Lee nodded. His dad had obviously taken good care of the lighter over the years; the words 'Joseph Adama' were sharp and clear. He felt a pang of regret, looking at it, remembering his grandfather. He'd always had time for him in a way his father never had.

"Dad used to carry that into court cases," Bill said. "Claimed he never lost unless he left it behind."

Lee looked up sharply. So his father was worried about him. "Dad-" Something caught in his throat.

"He was a better father than I was."

Lee's throat closed even tighter, but he forced words out. He couldn't leave things like this between them. Just in case…

"Dad." He swallowed hard, clearing his throat. "Dad, we may not agree on everything, but you know that doesn't mean-"

His father held up a hand, stopping him. "Lee, you don't need-" There was a flicker of fear in his eyes, as if saying the words aloud might jinx them. "It's all right. I know."

"Good." Lee took a deep breath, and they sat there for a while longer staring at the viper, in a surprisingly comfortable silence.

Finally Bill got to his feet. "I have to go."

Lee nodded. "Dad…I'll bring it back."

His father smiled. "You'd better, or I'll kick your ass. It's a good lighter."

Lee chuckled as he watched his father leave, his spirits lifting. His nerves had steadied and everything suddenly seemed much less daunting.

----

Hidden in the cargo containers on the freighter, Kara tried unsuccessfully not to glance at the clock in her viper every five minutes. Waiting was always the hardest part. It gave you all too much time to second guess the plan, imagine everything that could go wrong. She thought ruefully that it was a good thing she was wearing gloves, or she'd have bitten her nails down to the quick.

It seemed like years before her radio finally crackled and Dee's voice relayed the message she had been waiting for.

"Starbuck, Galactica. Back door is open. Back door is open. Godspeed, Starbuck."

Finally. Kara found herself smiling as a burst of adrenalin shot through her. "Strike-two, Starbuck. Let's get to it. We've got a tylium mine to blow up."

They slipped out of the cargo containers and down to the asteroid. Kara took a quick count that they were all still with her, particularly the nuggets. Kat, Chuckles, Stepchild…and Apollo, who was hovering on her right wing. He always seemed to slip into that position when they flew together, and Kara smiled at the sight. For some reason she found his presence settling, despite his lack of experience. It was probably his personality; there was something about Lee that just exuded calm and reassurance.

"Initial point in five seconds. Flak suppression unit cleared hot." She scanned the terrain, searching for the staging tanks Baltar had identified. "Come on, let's do this. Take these frakkers out."

A flare of light caught her attention, and she dodged instinctively as the first fire from the flak guns reached them.

"Incoming, incoming!" She focused back on the staging tanks. They needed to do this now; the flak would be murderous if they stayed in it too long. "Weapons free, by the numbers, people."

Both Kat and Apollo confirmed they had the target, and fired.

Kara watched the progress of the missiles intently, and swore as they all arced away from the staging tanks.

"What's got into these frakking missiles?" snapped Kat.

Kara was about to answer, but Lee beat her to it. "They're jamming the guidance systems." At least he still had his wits about him.

"Strike-two, Starbuck. Then we get close enough that we don't need the guidance systems. We have to blow this thing manually."

Chuckles was the first to reply. "Wilco, Starbuck, rolling in." He swooped lower, towards the staging tanks.

"Chuckles! You're too close to-" She broke off, swearing helplessly as the flak caught Chuckles' viper and it exploded.

"Chuckles!" That was Stepchild, her voice raw with panic. "Chuckles bought it, he's going down-" Her voice cut off abruptly.

That only meant one thing. Kara didn't even need to look for the blazing wreckage. She swallowed the grief and anger down. No time for that now.

Lee's voice came over the comms. "Now they've got our attack axis zeroed in. There's no way to get close."

Frak it, he was right. But there had to be some way, there had to be. They couldn't fail at this, they couldn't. Kara shook her head, trying to think.

"We've gotta get out of this flak," she said finally. "Let's get down below the deck, down where the target is." That would give them a short breathing space. Maybe she'd spot something, have an idea…

She dropped down, Kat and Apollo sticking close behind her. Down into a valley in the rock, where the guns couldn't reach them. She racked her brains fiercely. There must be some other way to do this…

"Starbuck, Apollo. I've got an idea." Lee sounded hesitant. "But I don't know if…you might think its crazy…"

"Damn it, Apollo, just spit it out."

"You see that dark hole in the cliff up ahead?"

"What about it?"

"It's a conveyor tunnel. I saw it on the recon photos. It looked like it led to the main refinery…"

"And the staging tanks." Her eyes lit and energy surged back into her body. This was it. The other way.

"Galactica, Starbuck. The conveyor tunnel's clear. I'm going through it."

"What?" That was Kat. "Starbuck, are you out of your frakking mind?"

Lee's voice was quieter, but she could hear the tension throbbing through it. "Kara…there's no way to be certain..."

"I know, Lee. But this is our only chance. I have to take it." She grinned, baring her teeth. "Besides, I've always enjoyed beating the odds."

Off she went, into the tunnel before she had the chance to think better of it. There was just barely room for her viper, and she had to hold it at exactly the right angle.

"There you go, slip right in." She laughed softly. "This isn't so hard, piece of cake…frak!" The end of the tunnel loomed up before her. She slammed on the brakes, muscles straining at the effort, flipped into a ninety degree turn…and emerged into the refinery.

She laughed fiercely, feeling suddenly invincible. "I'm through the tunnel. They can't get firing solution o­n me." She scanned the area, eyes narrowing as she latched onto the target. "Got you!"

She launched her missiles directly at the staging tanks, and then turned upwards, heading away as fast as she could. _Let's just hope that weasel Baltar was right about this one…_

Orange flared across her vision as the base exploded beneath her. She stared in amazement for a moment before she recovered her voice. Then she whooped loudly, unable to help herself.

"Ah…Galactica, Starbuck," she said finally, trying to compose herself into professional tones. "Mission accomplished."

----

Lee climbed out of his viper, glad to find that his legs weren't shaking this time. Maybe he was finally getting used to this – although that seemed a worrying idea in itself.

"We did it, Apollo!" Kat pulled him into a hug, face flushed with unusual exuberance. "We really frakking did it!" She pulled back to grin at him. "I thought that idea of yours was insane, but it worked."

"Only because Starbuck had the skill to pull it off." Lee glanced across the hangar bay and smiled to see Kara safely locked in his brother's arms.

Those few minutes while she had flown through the tunnel had been some of the worst of his life. All he could think of was how he was going to face Zak and tell him his crazy idea had sent Kara to her death.

But it hadn't. She'd pulled it off, and they'd won.

"Hey, guys! You made it!" That was Hotdog, grinning from ear to ear. He was shaking a bottle of beer in one hand, and before Lee could blink, he'd opened it and sprayed Kat and Lee liberally.

Kat wiped her eyes, laughing, and Lee grinned, licking his lips. The exuberant mood in the hangar bay was infectious.

"That's a waste of good beer, Hotdog."

Hotdog passed him the bottle, shrugging. "There's plenty more where that came from. We're going to celebrate hard tonight."

----

They did. Six hours later, the party showed no signs of winding down when Lee slipped away. He smiled at the sight as he left the hangar bay. It was good to see everyone enjoying themselves for once, and after today, they certainly deserved it. He thought briefly of Chuckles and Stepchild, and his smile slipped slightly.

He pushed the thought away. He'd enjoy their success for a while longer; tomorrow was soon enough for thinking about the cost. After this little errand, he'd go straight back to the party, and forget everything else till the morning.

His father's voice responded immediately when Lee knocked on the hatch to his quarters. Lee smiled. He'd thought he'd still be awake.

Bill looked slightly surprised to see him. "I'd thought you'd still be down in the hangar bay."

"I just wanted to return this," said Lee, feeling suddenly awkward. He put the lighter down on the desk in front of his father. "Looks like its charm is still working."

"Yes." Bill stared down at it for a moment, with an expression Lee couldn't interpret. "I've got something for you in return."

He opened a drawer of his desk and drew out a small box, which he passed to Lee. Lee stared down at it in surprise.

"Aren't you going to open it?"

Lee opened it, and drew in a sharp breath at the sight of the contents. He looked back up at his father, who was smiling broadly now.

"Congratulations, Lieutenant Adama."

"But-" Lee was completely taken aback. "Why? I don't understand…"

"You earned it." Bill's eyes were shining with an emotion that Lee realised with amazement was pride. "Kara told me that it was your idea to fly down the conveyor tunnel."

"But she did it. She should be the one rewarded."

"She will be. But she told me that she would never have thought of it herself. If you hadn't, the mission would have failed. So stop arguing and put those on."

Lee did, his hands shaking slightly. "Dad…I don't know what to say…"

"Then don't say anything. You need to be a lieutenant anyway, if you're going to be the CAG's wingman."

Lee's mouth fell open. "What?"

"Kara wants you as her wingman permanently. She thinks you work well together."

Lee couldn't quite believe all this was happening. He'd never expected to be promoted so quickly, and for the CAG to want him as her wingman…having seen her in action today, he knew how much of a compliment that was.

"Dad…"

Bill was eyeing him critically. "You've got them crooked." He walked round the desk and straightened the pins. One hand lingered on Lee's shoulder when he'd finished. "Go and celebrate, son. You deserve it. You've done the family proud."

The last sentence made Lee tense, but he wasn't going to let anything spoil this moment. "Thanks, Dad."

He headed back to the hangar bay, wishing things between his father and himself could always be this easy.


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter Fourteen**

Zak looked around the room where the Quorum of Twelve were due to meet and sighed, wishing he hadn't been put in charge of security. Not that this room was really the problem; it was as secure as he could make it. The real problem would be protecting the representatives outside, particularly in the park area. There were hundreds of places for a sniper to hide, and the place would be packed with all the delegates each colony was sending. Over five hundred people, any one of whom could be a cylon.

Zak sighed again. Well, all he could do was his best and hope it would be good enough. He wandered over to where Gaeta was checking the microphones on the podium.

"Have you seen Starbuck?"

Gaeta looked up, frowning in concentration. "She went outside to survey the park area. I think Apollo was with her."

Zak nodded, heading outside. Of course he was. Kara and Lee were spending a lot of time together these days. He was glad they'd struck up such a firm friendship. He felt better knowing that Kara was watching over Lee when they were flying, and he knew that Lee was watching out for Kara too in his own way. He seemed to be able to put a brake on some of her more reckless impulses, and when he couldn't, he pulled her out of trouble much as he had done for Zak when they were kids.

Zak paused as he stepped out into the park, blinking. After all these months in space, even the artificial sunlight of the dome was dazzling. When his eyes cleared, he looked round for some sign of the people he was searching for.

After a moment, he heard the unmistakable sound of Kara's laughter from his right, behind some raised formal flowerbeds. Zak headed in that direction, smiling. It had been too long since he had heard Kara laugh genuinely like that, without a harsh or bitter edge.

He rounded the corner of the flowerbed and grinned at the sight of his dripping brother trying to wrestle a garden hose out of Kara's hands. Lee should know better than to let Kara get anywhere near the temptation of a hose.

Kara was putting up a determined fight for the hose, but Lee wasn't playing fair. He knocked Kara's feet from under her and she fell, dropping the hose on the ground.

Kara scrambled to grab it back immediately, and Lee tried to stop her. They rolled over the grass struggling, both laughing. Zak caught his breath in surprise as he saw Lee's face. He'd rarely seen his brother look so carefree, simply enjoying the moment.

He grinned, suddenly seeing an opportunity, and strode forward, picking up the discarded hose.

"Well, it looks like I've got the upper hand here."

Lee and Kara stopped struggling. They looked up at him in surprise, and then grins spread over both their faces.

Zak chuckled. "Now the question is, who shall I aim at?"

"Get him, Zak!"

"No, her!"

Zak made a show of looking from one to the other consideringly. "I just don't know…it's a hard choice."

"Come on, Zak. It's not that hard." Kara smiled at him in a way that made the blood rush to his head. "I'll make it worth your while."

"Zak!" Lee protested. "Families stick together. You know that."

Kara grinned wickedly. "Yeah, but can family give you a blow-job?"

Zak felt himself turn bright red. Even now, Kara could still take him off guard.

"Kara!" Lee turned to stare at her, his face disgusted. "That was an image I so didn't need to have in my head."

Kara met his eyes, smile bright and mocking. "Aw, Lee, have I offended your delicate sensibilities? You really need to broaden your horizons."

Lee scowled at her. "My horizons are just fine as they are."

Kara just stared at him for a moment, with a look on her face that made Zak tense. That look always meant trouble.

"Lee, are you a virgin?"

"_What_?"

"I said, are you a virgin?"

"What?" Lee completely flummoxed was almost as rare a sight as Lee completely relaxed.

"It would explain so much," Kara went on, smirking. "Maybe you're wound so tight because no-one ever showed you how to release all that tension…"

Lee leaned forward, face right in front of hers. "Frak you."

Kara didn't blink, staring directly into his furious blue eyes. She smiled. "Ah, but would you know how?"

Zak tensed suddenly. There was something about this, about the way they were staring at each other, that he didn't like. He wasn't sure what it was, but it made him feel uncomfortable.

So he sprayed them both with water.

After they'd finished swearing, they both tackled him for the hose. By the time they finished, all three of them were breathless and laughing, and Zak had forgotten whatever it was that he hadn't liked. Perhaps he'd been imagining things.

----

Much to Zak's relief, the Quorum meeting went smoothly. No cylon agents tried to assassinate the President or any of the other Quorum representatives. With the last formal session over and the vote for vice-president complete, his father signed off on the security paperwork and told him to enjoy himself at the Colonial Day celebrations tonight.

He went in search of Kara, and found her tucked away in her office, bent over her paperwork. Zak noticed with surprise that her desk was tidy and the reports neatly stacked. He doubted that was her doing. Looked like she'd finally given in and recruited someone to help her. Zak swallowed his hurt at the memory of how she'd rejected his help, and just tried to be glad that she'd let someone do it.

She looked up and smiled as he entered. "So, who won the vote? Gray, or Baltar?"

Zak pulled a face at the memory. "Baltar."

"I can't believe people are stupid enough to vote for that creep." Kara scowled. "The man's not all there. I've caught him talking to himself several times in that lab of his – and worse." She pulled a disgusted face.

"There's no accounting for taste." Zak shrugged. "And he was giving a good speech on the radio. Gray's a capable man, but he's no good at selling himself. It was a close thing, if that makes you feel any better. Only one vote."

Kara shrugged. "Can't be helped. So, are you a free man now?"

"Yes. Came to ask you which raptor we're booked on to go to Cloud Nine this evening." Zak bent over to kiss her – and then recoiled as a nasty smell hit his nostrils. "Ugh! Kara!"

"What?"

"That smell!" Zak took several steps backward, grimacing. "You've been playing with that new toy of yours again, haven't you?"

"If you mean that abandoned raider we found at the tylium mine, it's not a toy. It could be extremely useful, if we can-"

"If we can work out how to use it." He'd heard this several times before. "Kara, the thing's nothing but a ball of rotting flesh."

Kara's jaw set stubbornly. "I'm getting there." She smiled, her eyes lighting with excitement. "Today I got it to lift off the ground."

"That's wonderful," said Zak, trying to sound enthusiastic. He was fairly sure trying to figure out the raider was a lost cause, but he knew better than to tell Kara that. "I just hope you're going to clean up before this evening. Otherwise everyone will be giving us a wide berth."

"Of course I'm going to clean up!" Kara looked hurt. "What do you take me for, Zachary Adama?"

"Just checking." He grinned. "Hygiene's not always your number one priority."

Kara's eyes narrowed dangerously. "Right, that's it. Prepare to eat your words."

Zak chuckled. "I look forward to it."

----

Emma hovered outside the hall on Cloud Nine where the Colonial Day dance was starting, looking for Alex – no, _Lee,_ she reminded herself - in the crowd.

She hoped he turned up soon. After so long on the Caprican Star, she wasn't used to being around this many people, particularly ones she didn't know. It made her feel slightly overwhelmed. At the same time, she couldn't help feeling excited. Now that Martin was fully trained, she was finally able to leave the ship, and it was a luxury to have an evening with nothing to do but enjoy herself.

"Emma?"

She turned at the sound of his familiar voice, ready with a mock scolding for being late. As she got a good look at him, though, the words died on her lips.

He was wearing fleet dress uniform, and she barely recognised him. She'd never seen him in anything but casual clothes before, and the contrast was startling. He looked older, and more formal, and for the first time, looking at him, she thought of him as Lee and not as Alex.

"Well," she said finally, raising a smile, "I guess it's true what they say. Men do look different in uniform."

He smiled back, and instantly the strangeness disappeared and he was her old friend Alex again. "You look nice."

"_Nice_?" Emma said with mock indignation. "Nice? I thought I'd taught you better than that."

"I'm sorry." Lee's eyes twinkled at her teasing. "Hm, let me think…the dress really brings out the green in your eyes. Is that better?"

"The content was, but the delivery left something to be desired."

"I'm just out of practice-" Lee broke off, eyes widening.

Emma turned to see what he was staring at. She saw Lee's brother approaching them, also wearing dress uniform. Emma smiled in appreciation at the sight. Looking good in uniform obviously ran in the Adama family genes.

Zak's girlfriend – Kara, she remembered – was with him, although Emma only identified her because she was holding Zak's arm. In a flowing blue dress and high heels, she looked very different from the woman Emma had met weeks ago on the Caprican Star.

Turning back to Lee, she realised it was Kara he was staring at. But as she watched him, the startled expression disappeared, and by the time the couple reached them, it had been replaced by a teasing smile.

"Who are you, and what have you done with Starbuck?" he asked Kara.

Zak laughed, and Kara rolled her eyes. "Really, Apollo, I could hardly turn up to a dance in my flightsuit." She turned to Emma, nodding awkwardly. "Nice to see you again."

"You too," said Emma, and exchanged greetings with Zak before she turned to Lee, eyebrows raised. "Apollo?"

Lee shifted, tugging at his collar. "It's my callsign."

"Really?" Emma laughed. "I can tell there's a story behind that."

----

It was Kara who told it, while Lee hid behind his drink and conversation with his brother, and tried to pretend he wasn't listening. He obviously was, though, because as soon as Kara finished he turned back to Emma and asked her about the Caprican Star.

"You thrown Peter out an airlock yet?"

Emma pulled a face. "Nearly." She proceeded to tell him about Peter's latest annoyances. "So how about you? Is flying a viper everything you thought it would be?"

"Yes." Lee's eyes lit up immediately. "It's…it's…" He waved his hands, lost for words. "There's nothing quite like it."

"Best thrill in the world," said Kara, draining her glass. "You should try it."

Emma shook her head. "I get all the thrills I need running a freighter, thank you very much."

"I remember the first time I pulled off a double Virgon spiral," said Kara. "Now _that _was a thrill. I nearly threw up, true, but still-"

"A double Virgon spiral?" Lee was frowning. "Is that even possible?"

"It is if you hit just the right angle. If you start the first spiral at…" and the talk descended into technicalities that Emma couldn't follow.

After that the conversation seemed stuck on flying vipers. It was obviously Kara's favourite topic, and Lee seemed to be a convert; he was following everything she said with keen interest. His brother didn't seem to share it; after a while he got up and went to buy another round of drinks, a look of resignation on his face. Emma played with the parasol in her drink and sighed to herself. She had no qualms about telling Lee to stop boring on about vipers, but she didn't know Kara well enough to be quite that rude.

Zak brought the fresh drinks back to the table as a new song started up, and Kara broke off in mid-sentence, her eyes sparkling.

"I love this song." She got to her feet, slightly awkward in her high heels. "Come on, Zak, we have to dance to this."

Zak had just sat down and taken a sip of his drink. He grimaced. "Kara, I've just spent ten minutes fighting through a packed bar to get this, and I intend to enjoy it. We can dance on the next song."

"It won't be as good as this one," Kara said coaxingly. "Come on, Zak."

"No," said Zak firmly, and Emma wondered if it was retaliation for the viper conversation. "I am not moving from this chair for at least five minutes."

Kara rolled her eyes impatiently. "Fine, then. How about you, Lee?"

Lee looked equally reluctant. "Kara, I've got a full glass."

Kara stared at him for a moment, something sparking in her eyes. Then she leaned over, picked up Lee's drink, and downed it in one swallow.

Lee sprang to his feet. "Kara!"

"There, now you've got an empty glass. Let's dance."

Lee glared at her for a moment. Then he reached over, picked up Kara's drink, and downed it.

"Fine," he said, slamming the empty glass down in front of her. "Let's dance."

They stalked off towards the dance floor. Emma laughed to herself. "Cubit says he stamps all over her feet."

"Cubit says she jabs him in the shins with those heels," said Zak. He was smiling ruefully. "I really can't take her anywhere."

Emma smiled back. "Well, at least now they've gone we can talk about something more interesting than flying. I was on the verge of fleeing to the ladies' room."

Surprise spread across Zak's face. "Were you bored? I thought you were a pilot too."

Emma shrugged. "To me, time off means not talking about work. Flying's my job, not my life. I only got into it because it was the family business."

"Flying or freighters?"

"Freighters. My family ran a whole chain of them out of Geminon. Dad started off as a pilot, and worked his way up to captain, then bought more ships and appointed relatives to run them. We were a large family."

"So you were expected to follow in the family footsteps?" There was a shade of sympathy in Zak's blue eyes. "I know what that's like."

"I never intended to," Emma admitted. "I wanted to be a doctor. Even started medical school, but after a year I had to drop out. Lack of funds. So I turned to piloting freighters to raise some money, and somehow I never went back." She sighed.

"So does your family own the Caprican Star?"

"No. I kept a slight measure of independence at least." Emma took a sip of her drink, thinking Zak Adama was dangerously easy to talk to. Time to change the subject. "So how about you? Did you join the fleet just because of your father?"

Zak's face had stiffened slightly, but he answered her. "Not entirely. I've always been interested in computers, and the fleet has some of the most advanced technology…well, they did." He caught himself with a brittle smile. "Galactica isn't really advanced."

"So that's what you do then? Run the computer networks?"

"Partly. I'm also responsible for the navigation and FTL calculations, I supervise everyone in CIC – that's the command centre of Galactica – and a million other odd duties that Dad needs someone to do." He smiled at her, taking another sip of his drink. "Not quite as glamorous as flying, I'm afraid."

"But just as important," said Emma, surprised that he would dismiss his job so easily. "If you didn't transmit new FTL co-ordinates every hour, we'd be just as screwed as if we had no pilots to watch over us on patrol."

Zak blinked. "I suppose so. I hadn't thought of it like that."

Emma wondered why not. She vaguely remembered Lee saying that his father had been a pilot before he became a commander. Perhaps that was why his sons seemed to think that being a viper pilot was the only job worthy of value.

She smiled at Zak and pushed back her chair. "But we're talking about work again, and I told you I don't like to do that. Do you want to dance?"

Zak glanced at the dance floor. Kara and Lee were still dancing, although they seemed to be doing little more than shuffle in time to the music as they argued about something.

"Why not? I've finished my drink." He took her hand and led her onto the dance floor.

----

After they'd finished their dance, Zak headed back to the bar to buy more drinks, and Emma went back to their table. Kara and Lee were lounging in the chairs, still arguing. Emma could tell from their bright eyes and flushed faces that downing those drinks earlier had left them both decidedly the worse for wear. She suspected too they had found more to drink while on the dance floor.

This opinion was confirmed when Lee greeted her appearance by grabbing her arm and giving her a broad smile.

"Emma! I need you to defend my honour." He was slurring his words slightly.

"You do?"

"Tell Kara I'm not a virgin."

Emma almost choked. She bent over, trying to control her laughter.

"Believe me, he's not a virgin," she gasped. "Except in having a relationship that lasts longer than a week's stop-over, that is."

Kara dissolved into giggles.

"Hey!" Lee punched Emma's arm indignantly.

"What? We both know what you're like, Alex. Out of sight, out of mind."

"That's not fair," he protested.

Emma snorted. "It's entirely fair. Come on, then. Name the last four women you slept with."

She realised abruptly that Lee must be far drunker than she'd thought, because he took her up on it.

"That's easy. Maria, Lizzie…er…Kirsty…"

"That blonde on Canceron?" Emma couldn't resist teasing him, especially on this topic. She was very fond of Lee, but there was no denying that he was an utter commitment-phobe when it came to women. "Her name was Kristie."

Lee shrugged. "Kristie…Kirsty…whatever."

"That's only three. The fourth?"

"Erm…" She could see him racking his brains. "That engineer on Picon…"

"That's right. What was her name?"

"Rebecca? Damn it, Emma, that was nearly a year ago." He frowned, swaying slightly in his seat, and then his eyes gleamed with triumph. "Rachel! That was it, Rachel."

"Nope. It was Sarah," said Emma smugly. "Point proved, I think."

Kara was almost in hysterics by this time. "I take it back, Apollo. You're not a virgin, you're a total slut!"

"I am not!"

"Whatever you say, stud of the freighter circuit." Kara dissolved into laughter again. "I need another drink. Better see if Zak needs some help."

She stumbled off towards the bar, and Emma watched how Lee's eyes followed her.

"Lee."

He blinked at her, trying to focus. "What?"

"I've seen you with a lot of women, but I've never seen you lose your head over one," said Emma gently. "Don't start now."

Lee stared at her for a few seconds, mouth falling open as her words penetrated his alcoholic haze. "You mean – Kara?" He looked towards the bar. "Don't be stupid. She's just a friend."

"Good."

"She's my brother's girlfriend, for frak's sake!"

Emma looked at him gravely over the rim of her glass. "That's exactly my point."


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter Fifteen**

Something jabbed painfully into Kara and she awoke with a start.

"Ouch!" She rubbed her stomach, blinking.

"Sorry," said Zak ruefully. "These bunks are a tight fit for two."

"Maybe you should learn to keep your elbows to yourself." Kara's eyes focused on her blue dress, balled up at the side of the bunk, and remembered that they had ended up in his rack. "What time is it?"

"0700."

Kara sighed in relief. "Still an hour before my briefing."

"Good." Zak pulled her back into his arms. "That means you can stay a little longer."

Kara smiled and laid her head on his shoulder, enjoying the moment. It wasn't often that they got time to themselves any more. "Last night was good, wasn't it?"

"It was." Zak took a deep breath, and she could feel his muscles tensing underneath her cheek. "Kara…I know things have been strained between us recently. Since the attacks."

Kara tensed. She wasn't sure she wanted to talk about this, but she couldn't bring herself to move away from him either. "I know. But, Zak, it's not…everyone's been stressed. Everything's changed so much."

"It has." Zak's voice was reflective. "It's different, isn't it, working together. Being together all the time."

"Different? How do you mean?" Kara forced her voice to stay level and stared intently at a mole on his neck. She was afraid to look at his face.

"Well…before we only saw each other when we were on leave. Having fun, away from everyday stresses. I guess we never really got to see each other's bad side."

Oh gods. Kara bit her lip, trying to push down the fear building in her gut. Bad sides. She was well aware that her bad side was a mile wide. He wouldn't be the first man to be repelled by it, not by a long shot.

"What are you saying?" she forced out, marvelling at how calm her voice sounded.

"I guess I'm saying that maybe we're finally getting to know each other properly, and it's bound to be a bumpy ride." There was a smile in his voice, and Kara let out a deep breath. Maybe this wasn't what she was afraid of after all.

"Bumpy is right," she said finally.

Zak chuckled. "Yeah. But I just wanted to say that…even though things have been difficult lately, it doesn't change how I feel. I love you, Kara."

Kara closed her eyes, flooded with the mixture of warmth and amazement that still shook her each time he said the words. No-one had ever said them to her before him.

"I love you too," she said, the words feeling awkward in her mouth as they always did. It was easier to get them out when he wasn't looking at her.

Zak dropped a kiss on her hair and pulled her closer against him. "I know. We'll be okay."

Kara pressed closer against him, hoping he was right. She still found it hard to believe that she had him in her life, that someone as kind and decent as he was had chosen her to love. It seemed too great a gift for someone like her, and she was always half waiting for the gods to snatch it back, for it all to crumble away.

She buried her face in his neck, breathing him in. _Don't let me lose him._

----

Kara stretched out inside the raider, reviewing her mental list of what movements controlled which aspects of its operation. Despite Zak's scepticism, she had completed a successful test flight with the raider a few days earlier, and tomorrow she was going to take it out again to try an FTL jump.

There was a lot of preparation still left to do, and Kara forced herself to focus on it. She had no time to think about anything else.

Certainly not what Laura Roslin had said.

So what if they had found Kobol? So what if the President was dying, just like the leader in the scriptures? It didn't mean anything. It sure as hell didn't mean that she was going on some crazy mission back to Caprica. The Arrow of Apollo had probably been destroyed by the nukes anyway.

_If you go back to Caprica and bring me the Arrow, I will show us the way. _

Kara gritted her teeth, blocking out Roslin's persuasive voice. She focused on the bundle of nerves she had worked out was the FTL drive. In fact, once she'd started looking at the raider from the right angle, as a living being rather than a machine, it had been surprisingly easy to figure out. With the correct perspective, everything slotted into place. She could see clearly now how to select the co-ordinates for the FTL…

_It may be our o­nly chance to find Earth._

She clenched her fist, capturing her treacherous thoughts. She was _not_ going to do this. She couldn't disobey orders and betray the Old Man, not after all he'd done for her. And he knew how to find Earth. They didn't need the Arrow anyway.

_Commander Adama has no idea where Earth is. He never did. _

Kara closed her eyes against the memory. Roslin was lying, she had to be. The Commander wouldn't lie about something like that, he wouldn't.

_He made it up in order to give people hope._

But the hell of it was, she could see it. Could see him doing anything, even lying, to keep his people going. A good leader did what he had to do…

"Starbuck? You in there?"

Kara froze. That was the Commander's voice. He was here? Now? She flushed guiltily, feeling as if he must be able to read her disloyal thoughts.

"Starbuck?"

She pulled herself together. "Yes, sir. I'm here."

"Come out. I need to speak to you for a moment."

Kara braced herself and clambered out of the raider. She brushed herself down, taking a moment to get the courage to meet his eyes.

Finally, she looked up. His face was just as usual, no trace of anger. No sign that he knew what the President had proposed.

"How's it going? Will you be ready for the test tomorrow?"

"Yes, sir. I've got the FTL drive figured out, I just need to run a practical test."

"Good." Adama looked at the raider appraisingly. "To have control of one of their own ships…the tactical possibilities it opens up are endless. This is going to be a valuable asset, and I appreciate all the hard work you've put in on this. I don't think anyone else could have figured it out."

Kara glowed inwardly at the praise. "Thank you, sir."

"Keep up the good work." Adama smiled at her, and Kara took a deep breath.

If she was going to ask him, now was the time. She wouldn't get a better opportunity.

"Sir? Can I ask you a question?"

"Shoot."

"How much longer till we reach Earth?" Kara held her breath. _Prove her wrong, please…_

Adama turned to look at her. He was still smiling, but Kara thought she glimpsed something watchful in his eyes. "It's hard to say."

Kara's heart dropped, but she wasn't going to give up just yet. "Got a guess?"

"You know I don't like to guess."

Oh gods. He was definitely evading her questions. Was the President right?

"We getting closer?" One more try.

"I'm sure we are." There was a note in his voice that signalled the conversation was over. "Good luck on the test." He walked away.

Kara stared after him. She'd known the Commander a long time; well enough to know when he was avoiding the subject.

_Roslin was right. He doesn't know. He doesn't know where Earth is._

_----_

She needed advice, so she found Zak, dragged him into her office, and told him everything. He'd know what to do.

But his reaction wasn't quite what she expected.

"What are you talking about, Kara? Of course Dad knows where Earth is."

"What?"

"He wouldn't lie about something as important as that," Zak said stubbornly, with an expression that was startlingly reminiscent of Lee.

Kara stared at him. "Zak, I asked him where Earth was, and he couldn't tell me!"

"No, he _wouldn't_ tell you," said Zak, frowning. "There's a difference. The location of Earth is classified information, Kara; he could hardly talk about it on the hangar deck."

"But he couldn't even tell me if we were getting closer."

"Come on, Kara. You know Cylon agents could be anywhere in the fleet. It's safest not to say anything."

He sounded so confident that for a moment Kara was swayed. But then she remembered the watchful look in the Commander's eyes. He had been lying; deep down she was sure of it.

"Then why did the President tell me it was a lie?" she asked, trying a different attack strategy. "What would be the point unless it was the truth?"

"I don't know, but there must be one," said Zak firmly. "She and Dad have never got on well. Perhaps she's trying to undermine him in some way…though I wouldn't have thought it of her." He looked disappointed.

"Or maybe she's telling the truth."

"Kara!" Zak stepped forward to catch her shoulder, eyes narrowed. "You're not seriously considering this, are you?"

His voice was unusually harsh, and Kara faltered. "I don't know." Maybe he was right. Maybe she was being a fool, believing Roslin over the Commander.

Zak grasped her other shoulder tightly. "Kara, don't. Don't even consider it. Taking the raider wouldn't just be mutiny, it would be suicide. There's nothing on Caprica but radiation and Cylons…the Arrow is probably long gone by now."

Kara knew he was probably right; she'd even made some of the same points to herself earlier. But what if he wasn't? What if the Arrow was still there and Roslin was destined to use it?

_All of this has happened before and all of this will happen again…_

"Kara? Talk to me. You're not going to do this, right?"

She opened her mouth to reply, but Gaeta's voice over the comms interrupted her, calling Zak to CIC.

"Damn it." Zak stared down at her, as if he was trying to read her thoughts. "I have to go. But Kara, answer me. Tell me you're not going to do this."

"No," she said slowly. He was right, of course he was. She was being a fool even to consider it. "I'm not."

"Good." Zak didn't look entirely satisfied, but Gaeta called for him again and he had to leave.

----

Zak obviously _wasn't _satisfied, because barely five minutes later Lee appeared in her office, looking slightly uncomfortable.

"Hi, Kara."

Kara sighed with resignation. "I suppose Zak sent you?" Lee nodded. "What did he tell you?"

Lee shrugged. "Not much. He just asked me to find you and – I quote – stop you from doing anything stupid." He smiled slightly. "Don't know why he thinks you listen to me."

"Wishful thinking," said Kara tightly, suddenly furious with Zak. What did he think she was, some idiot who couldn't be trusted?

"So what stupid thing are you likely to do?" Lee asked.

"What?"

"Well, the choice is so wide…" Lee looked at her, and his teasing expression disappeared abruptly. "Kara, what's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong," she said automatically, looking down at her desk.

Lee sat down opposite her. "Yes, there is. I can tell." He sighed. "Look, if you don't want to tell me, that's fine, but I might be able to help."

Kara bit her lip, suddenly tempted. He might. Lee had a way of cutting through a problem. Much as she mocked him for his logic, it gave him a clear-eyed approach to dilemmas that she sorely needed at the moment.

She looked up at him, and found his eyes were dark and concerned. "Let me help, Kara."

He meant it. She could see the truth of it in his face, and warmth spread inside her. When exactly had he become the best friend she had left? She wasn't sure, but it was true. Whatever happened, Lee would be by her side and at her back, supporting her; she knew it without a shadow of doubt.

So she took a deep breath and told him everything.

"So what do you think?" she finished. "Who's telling the truth? Does your dad know where Earth is?"

"I very much doubt it."

"What?" Kara's mouth dropped open. It wasn't the answer she'd expected.

"I believe the President on this one." Lee was frowning in thought. "Using Earth as a promise of hope to keep us all going makes a lot of sense. It's just the kind of thing Dad would do."

Kara's mouth opened further. "But…that's not what Zak thinks. He was certain your dad wouldn't lie about Earth."

"Of course he was." A sarcastic expression crossed Lee's face. "Dad can do no wrong where Zak is concerned, haven't you realised that yet? He probably thinks Dad isn't even capable of lying."

Kara didn't like his tone. She felt as if she ought to defend Zak somehow, but there were more pressing questions she needed to ask.

"Why are you so sure he's lying?"

"Well…it's not the first time the idea's crossed my mind."

"It isn't?" Kara was taken aback. She'd never even considered it before her interview with Roslin.

"No. Well, it always seemed unlikely to me that Dad would know the location of Earth in the first place. If it was a closely guarded secret in the fleet, why would _he_ know? He wasn't exactly high-ranking or influential."

"But…" The idea had never occurred to Kara. "Admiral Nagala must have told him. After the attacks."

Lee raised his eyebrows sceptically. "He just happened to find the time before his ship exploded? How convenient. Almost as convenient as knowing that Dad was going to end up the highest-ranking officer. Or that the colonies had all been irrevocably destroyed and we would need somewhere else to go."

"Don't be so bloody patronising," said Kara through her teeth. "Or do you want to end up with a black eye?"

Lee's eyes flashed, but he softened his tone. "Plus it never made sense to me that the fleet would care about the location of Earth anyway. You can't tell me they saw this situation coming." He smiled bitterly. "If they had, we wouldn't _be_ in this situation."

"So…you think Roslin is telling the truth. We have no way of finding Earth."

"Yes." Lee was studying her closely. "You don't look convinced."

Kara groaned and buried her face in her hands. "I just – I don't know what to think, Lee. You argue one thing, Zak argues another…and they both make sense in a way. I don't know what to do, and this is too important for me to make a guess. Our whole future may depend on it. I need to know for sure."

Lee sat watching her for a moment. Kara tried not to shift under that sharp gaze and wondered what he was seeing. Finally he nodded to himself, as if he had decided something.

"Okay. I'll find out for sure." He stood up.

"What?" Kara was confused. "How are you going to do that?"

"I'm going to ask my father for the truth."

"What? Just like that?" Kara said sarcastically. "What makes you think he'll tell you? He brushed me off."

"He'll tell me," said Lee, with a smooth assurance that made her want to punch him. He walked to the hatch. "I'll be back soon."

"Lee?"

He turned. "Yes?"

"You didn't tell me what you thought about the rest," said Kara hesitantly. "About what Roslin asked me to do."

"Oh. You mean about the mystical Arrow of Apollo and the prophesied leader showing us the way to Earth?" A smile spread across Lee's face, and Kara found herself relaxing at the sight of it. "I think it's all absolute rubbish, but you knew that already." He grinned, and disappeared through the hatch.

Kara leant back in her chair, feeling some of the anxiety and tension that had gripped her all day finally draining away.

----

"Come in."

Lee took a deep breath and entered his father's quarters, remembering to salute for once.

"Do you have a minute? I need to talk to you about something."

Bill looked slightly surprised, but he nodded. "Sit down. I've got some time – the survey team isn't due back from Kobol for a few hours."

Lee took a chair, trying to work out how best to broach the subject. Maybe he should just be direct. Dad always preferred people to come to the point.

"I wanted to ask you about Earth."

"Earth?" Something flickered in Bill's eyes.

"Yes, Earth," said Lee, trying to sound casual. "I wanted to know how long it's going to be before we get there."

Bill looked at him consideringly, his eyes suddenly sharp and alert. "That's the second time I've been asked that question today."

"I know. Kara told me about your conversation." No point in pretending ignorance.

"Why this sudden interest?"

Lee chose his words carefully. "Some of the pilots have been asking Kara about it lately. Morale is low, I think they're looking for something to hang on to. Keep them going."

Bill picked up a pen from his desk, twisting it between his fingers. "Information about Earth is strictly classified, you know that."

"I know. But I think Kara was hoping – if you could give her even a rough estimate of how long it'll be, that would help. Reassure people."

Bill looked away. "I'm afraid I can't do that."

Lee braced himself. Time to gamble. "Why not? Because it's classified, or because you don't know where Earth is?"

His father's gaze snapped back to his. "What do you mean by that?" It wasn't quite a growl.

Lee met his gaze steadily, though his heart was hammering. "I mean that I'm not stupid, Dad. I find it highly unlikely that the fleet chiefs would know the location of Earth, or that if they did, it would be so conveniently passed to you just when you needed to give everyone a goal to work towards."

Silence. Lee held his breath, watching his father's face.

Bill was frowning. "Is this an excuse for another rant about me deciding what people should and shouldn't know?"

Lee let out his breath. So his father _didn't _know where Earth was.

"No, it's not," he said truthfully. "It was the right thing to do, to give everyone hope, something to cling to. Everything would have fallen apart otherwise."

"Praise from you?" Bill lifted an eyebrow. "I'm amazed."

Lee shifted uncomfortably. "I don't disagree with everything you do, Dad. But-"

Bill snorted. "I knew there was a but."

"But what will you do in the future? When we never do reach Earth?"

Bill put down his pen, shrugging. "I don't think it'll be an issue. We're bound to find a hospitable planet to settle on before too long. People will easily choose the reality of a new home over a dream of Earth."

Lee nodded. "That makes sense."

"But until then, the myth of Earth serves a useful purpose." Bill fixed Lee with a hard stare. "Which is why you are not to repeat this conversation."

Lee opened his mouth to reply, but he was interrupted by the phone ringing. Bill picked it up, his face darkening as he listened.

"I'm on my way." He replaced the receiver, turning to Lee. "Something's wrong. One of the survey raptors is back early. I have to get to CIC." He headed for the hatch, pausing to cast a glance back at Lee. "Remember what I said. This is just between us."

----

His father was right, as usual. Something _was_ wrong. There were Cylons at Kobol, and one of the raptors had crash-landed on the planet. Kara disappeared into the planning room with Zak, Tigh and his father, trying to come up with a plan to take out the basestar at Kobol and rescue the raptor party. Lee went to her office to wait for her, but it was several hours before she appeared.

She looked exhausted and irritated. "What is it, Lee?"

"I spoke to my father."

The irritation disappeared from her face, giving way to anxiety. "You did? What did he say?"

"The President was telling the truth. He doesn't know where Earth is."

Kara went pale. She sank down into her chair. "Oh, gods. So Roslin was right. We do need the Arrow."

"What?" Lee stared at her. "We don't need anything of the kind!" He crossed the room to stand in front of her.

Kara looked up at him wearily. "How else are we going to find Earth?"

"We don't need to find Earth. Dad said we'll find a habitable planet to settle on before long, and he's right. There's no need for you to go on Roslin's crazy mission."

"Isn't there?" Kara's eyes were shadowed. "What if we don't find a habitable planet, Lee? Or what if we do, and the Cylons are still chasing us? There's no way we could defend a planet against them."

"That's a lot of what ifs," said Lee, desperately thinking how to convince her. "You can't risk your life on a what if, Kara."

"I don't think it's a what if," said Kara stubbornly. "I've read the chronicles of Pythia, and what Roslin said makes sense."

"Sense?" Lee was lost for words.

"And then there's what that Cylon said to me. That I had a destiny. Maybe this is my destiny. To find the Arrow."

"Kara, are you listening to yourself?" said Lee, feeling an urge to reach across the desk and shake her. "You can't possibly believe anything a Cylon said-"

"But he told me we'd find Kobol, and that came true. Why not this?"

"Because…" Lee scrambled for words. It was so evident to him that all this – prophecies and mystical artefacts – was complete nonsense, it was hard to think of ways to argue it.

So he fell back on other methods instead. "I'm going to get Zak." Maybe his brother would have more luck knocking some sense into her.

"No!" Kara moved so fast he was taken by surprise, blocking his way to the hatch. "You can't do that, Lee. He'd stop me."

"Exactly." He tried to soften his tone, get through to her. "Kara, don't do this. Please."

Her mouth trembled slightly, but it remained stubbornly set. "I have to."

"No, you don't."

"Yes, I do. I couldn't live with myself if I didn't."

"Kara-"

"The whole future of the human race is at stake here, Lee, don't you see that? What if Earth is our only safe haven, and the Arrow is our only way to get there?"

"You don't know that it is."

"And you don't know that it isn't," she said sharply. "Open your mind, Lee. Logic isn't the answer to everything."

"Neither is blind faith."

Kara's eyes blazed. "Okay, so I can't prove I'm right – but you can't prove I'm wrong, either. And I can't take that risk. Not when so much is at stake. If there's even a chance that Roslin is right – and there _is_, then I have to try." She glared at him. "Is that logical enough for you?"

He had to admit it was. She had a valid point - what if his father _was_ wrong? It wouldn't be the first time. What if Earth _was_ their only hope? She was right; the whole future of their race depended on the answer. Lee stared at her for a moment, thinking furiously.

"I'm not going to talk you out of this, am I?" he said slowly.

Kara shook her head firmly.

"All right." Lee sighed. "When do we leave?"

Kara stared at him, mouth working soundlessly. He would have found her incredulity highly amusing under any other circumstances.

"What?" she finally got out.

"Well, you didn't think I was going to let you go alone, did you?"

Kara's eyes were softer than he'd ever seen them. "Lee. You can't-"

"Yes, I can," he said firmly, even as part of his mind was screaming to know what the hell he thought he was doing. "Zak would never forgive me if I didn't keep an eye on you."

True enough, but that was only part of it. He was doing this as much for Kara herself as for Zak; he cared too much about her to let her go alone. And there was certainly a possibility that the President might be right – that they might need the Arrow. As Kara said, the stakes were too high not to take the risk.

Plus he couldn't help but be tempted at the thought of getting away from everything here for a while – from his father, from Zak, from the confines of the military and their tedious regulations. He wasn't used to being in the same place for so long, and it was starting to make him feel claustrophobic.

"I'm coming," he said, "and that's final."

"Thank you," Kara whispered. For a moment Lee thought he saw tears in her eyes, but he dismissed it. That wasn't her style.

He sought refuge in humour. "What's a whole planetful of Cylons against Apollo and Starbuck? They won't stand a chance."

Much to his relief, her face cleared and she smiled. "I think you mean Starbuck and Apollo."

----

Zak waited in CIC for the message that Kara had launched the raider, his mind running over the plan she had suggested earlier, using the raider to slip a nuke into the basestar. It was ingenious, and it should work, if she could get the raider to run successfully on autopilot.

Zak had his doubts about that. Kara had accomplished more than he had ever expected with the raider, but it was still alien technology, and he wasn't sure it would mesh easily with the autopilot mechanism. He wasn't expecting the imminent test to run smoothly.

Well, he would soon see, he thought, as Dee reported that Starbuck had launched the raider successfully.

"Galactica, Starbuck," Kara's voice crackled over the comms. "I'm ready to go."

"Copy that, Starbuck," Dee replied, standing next to Zak. "The board is green."

"Okay, Galactica. Powering up for the autopilot test."

Zak bit his lip, thinking of the Chief and Crashdown and the others trapped on Kobol. This had to work, it had to.

"Captain Adama." Dee's voice broke his reverie. He turned to see she was looking slightly puzzled. "Starbuck's asking to speak to you. She's…on a scrambled channel."

"What?" Zak was equally puzzled, but he pulled on the headset Dee handed to him.

"Starbuck?"

"Zak." Her voice sounded strangely muffled. "Zak, I'm sorry."

"Kara? What's going on?" Zak gripped the console, his heart suddenly pounding.

"I'm sorry, but I have to do this." Her voice was shaking. "Just…just remember I love you."

"Kara?" Alarm bells were shrieking in his head now. "Kara!"

No reply. Nothing but the crackle of static in his ears, and then Gaeta's voice breaking over it.

"Commander, Starbuck's spinning up the raider's FTL drive."

And suddenly Zak understood. "Kara. Kara, no." He felt as if he had been plunged into icy water. "Don't do this!"

But there was still no reply from her, only from Gaeta. "She jumped away. Starbuck and the raider just jumped away."

Zak staggered. How could she do this? How could she be so foolish? He pulled off his headset with numb hands. Why hadn't he seen this coming? She hadn't spoken of it after he left her office earlier, and he'd assumed he'd talked her out of it.

He should have known better. _Stupid, stupid, stupid…_

"Zak." His father was suddenly in front of him, hand on his arm, eyes concerned. "What did she say to you? Where's she gone?"

Zak took a shuddering breath, drawing strength from his father's grip. "She's gone to Caprica. To get the Arrow of Apollo."


	16. Chapter 16

**Author's Note: **For this chapter, please suspend your disbelief and accept Lee managed to squeeze into the raider with Kara - only way I could think of to get him to Caprica! Thanks also for all your reviews, they are greatly appreciated.It's lovely to know you're all enjoying the story.

**------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- **

**Chapter Sixteen**

"She's gone to Caprica for the Arrow?" Bill's voice was harsh.

"Yes." Zak was still reeling. Everything had happened so fast. "I thought I'd talked her out of it, but…"

"She wouldn't have come up with this on her own." Bill's forehead was creased in thought. "Someone must have put the idea in her head…" His voice hardened. "Was it the President?"

Zak nodded. "She asked Kara to go. Told her you didn't know where Earth was, that the Arrow was needed to find it."

Bill's face darkened. "The President asked me to use the raider to go to Caprica, but I refused. It's too valuable a military asset to risk. Looks like she went behind my back."

He turned to Dee abruptly. "Get me the President on the line."

"Yes, sir."

"Colonel, Captain, put on your headsets. I want you to bear witness to this." Zak did so, feeling apprehension coil in his gut. He didn't think he'd ever seen his father so angry.

A minute later Dee had the President on the line.

Bill got straight to the point. "Madam President. Moments ago, Captain Thrace took the Cylon raider o­n an unscheduled and unauthorized jump. Do you have any knowledge of this incident?"

Zak held his breath, waiting for the President's reply. Would she try to bluff it out?

"Let's save some time here, Commander." Roslin's voice was utterly calm. "The question you really want to ask me is whether or not I asked Captain Thrace to take the raider to Caprica. And the answer to your question is yes."

Well, at least she hadn't tried to lie about it. That would only have made his father more angry. Although Zak wasn't sure he could _be_ more angry.

"You and I talked about this," said Bill through his teeth. "We both decided it was a military decision."

"My responsibility as President is, first and foremost, to protect and preserve this fleet and its future. In the end, that outweighs any other consideration. It has to." There was absolutely no apology in Roslin's voice, and Zak saw his father's hand clench around the receiver.

"By taking the raider, you've placed our people o­n the surface of Kobol in direct danger," Bill said grimly.

"I'm very aware of the danger our men and women are in o­n Kobol," Roslin replied. "I am also deeply aware of the danger this civilization will be in if I ignore the pursuit of the Arrow."

No backing down, no attempt to be conciliatory. Zak didn't like where this was going.

He saw Bill take a deep breath. "I'm going to have to ask you for your resignation, Madam President."

But that would mean admitting she was wrong, Zak thought. He wasn't surprised to hear Roslin's flat refusal.

His father didn't even blink before firing back. "Then I'm terminating your presidency, as of this moment."

Zak's breath stopped in his throat. He stared at his father, for a moment even forgetting his worry about Kara.

_You can't do that, Dad. She's the President, you have no power to remove her from office…_

It seemed Roslin agreed with him. "Commander Adama, I will exercise the authority of this office until I am unable to do so. If you want to stage a coup you're going have to come over here and arrest me. In front of the press. They're here, by the way, recording every minute." She cut the connection.

Oh gods. Zak wished she hadn't challenged his father outright like that. There was no way Bill would back down now.

"Mr Gaeta," Bill snapped. "Order the CAP to isolate Colonial One immediately. Dualla, jam any transmissions in or out of the ship." He turned to Tigh. "Colonel, I want you to prepare a strike team."

Zak couldn't keep quiet any longer. "Is that really necessary?"

His father glared at him and it was all he could do not to flinch. "Yes, it is. As long as she's President, she's dangerous and if she can turn Starbuck against us, she's capable of anything." He shrugged. "I doubt we'll have to use force. She's bluffing."

Zak wasn't so sure. "Commander, I know her security team – I assembled it. They will defend her. We'll have to take the ship down compartment by compartment.

"If that's what it takes," said Tigh. "We can't let her get away with this. I'll get the team ready." He glanced at Bill. "What about the basestar?"

"I've got an idea about that." Bill looked at Zak. "We still have a Cylon transponder, don't we?"

Zak nodded. "We have one more that's operational."

"Good. Now I just need a raptor pilot." He could see his father thinking furiously. "Is Boomer ready to fly again yet?"

"Yes, I think Cottle cleared her." Zak suddenly realised what his father was suggesting. "You think she can get close enough to the basestar?"

"They might think it's a captured raptor. In any case, we have to try," said Bill harshly. "It's our only chance." He straightened his jacket. "I'll head down to life station, then. Captain, get that transponder on a raptor and ready to go."

"Yes, sir."

Bill turned as if to go, but then paused. "And, Captain? See if you can find Lieutenant Adama."

"Yes, sir." Zak frowned, puzzled. "Why?"

Bill looked troubled. "I think he might know something about all this. I had a conversation with him earlier…" He trailed off, his face hardening. "Just find him."

----

Zak carried out the first half of his orders easily enough. The transponder was soon activated and installed on the raptor.

Finding Lee proved more difficult. He wasn't in the hangar bay, or the bunkroom, or the ready room, or the rec room. No-one seemed to have seen him recently.

Almost as if he was deliberately making himself scarce. Zak's suspicions grew. Maybe Lee had known what Kara planned to do.

He was going to kill him if he had. How could he let Kara risk her life like that? After Zak had asked him to keep an eye on her too…

In the end he had to give up searching. Tigh had called the hangar bay to tell him he'd been assigned as one of the tac team to board Colonial One, and it was not long now till the time given for departure. He needed to get changed into his combat gear.

He wished he hadn't been chosen to go as he opened his locker. He was as angry as his father was with Roslin for what she had done to Kara, but removing her from office felt like going too far. She was the head of the government; under the constitution she could only be removed by the vote of the Quorum, not by force. Dad had no right….

Gods, he sounded like Lee, he thought disgustedly, pulling on his flak jacket. It didn't matter what he thought. It was Dad's decision to make, and he was sworn to follow his orders.

_Sounds like a convenient excuse to do nothing to me._

Shut up, Lee. Zak pushed his brother's voice away and reached out to close his locker.

And that was when he saw it. A small grey envelope propped on the shelf at the top of the locker, with his name written on it. As he picked it up and looked closer, he realised it was in his brother's neat handwriting.

His heart started to thump and he tore it open.

_Zak,_

_I've gone to Caprica with Kara. I couldn't talk her out of it, and I can't let her go alone. I promise I'll look after her for you._

_Tell Dad I'm sorry. Take care, both of you._

_Lee._

Zak stared at the paper, his hand shaking.

He couldn't believe it. Lee had left him. He'd left him behind all over again.

----

He didn't remember returning to CIC. When he got there, his father took one look at his face and strode across to him, pulling him out into the corridor for some privacy.

"What is it?"

"Lee-" Zak gasped, and saw his father go taut, as if braced for a blow. "Lee's gone." He held out the note.

He watched Bill read it. His father's face twisted, and Zak could see the betrayal in his eyes.

"So he's disappeared on us. Again."

"At least he left a note this time," said Zak sourly. "I suppose we should be grateful."

Bill didn't seem to hear him. He seemed lost in painful thoughts.

"He lied to me," he said quietly.

"What?"

"He came to ask me – about Earth. Told me the pilots had been asking about it."

"But he was asking for Kara," said Zak slowly. So she'd turned to Lee, when he'd refused to help her. He was surprised by how much that hurt. "What did you say?"

"I told him the truth," said Bill bitterly. "I thought if I showed I trusted him it might help…might improve things between us. More fool me." His face set hard.

Zak was stuck on his first words. "The _truth_? Do you mean – Roslin was right? You _don't_ know where Earth is?"

Bill looked at him steadily. "No, I don't."

"You _lied_?" Zak remembered how he had defended his father to Kara, insisted he wouldn't lie. Anger flared up inside him.

"It was necessary," said Bill firmly. "People needed hope."

"But-"

"Zak, I don't have time to discuss this. Not now. Boomer's on her way to the basestar and you need to get to Colonial One."

Zak tensed at the reminder. All his misgivings came flooding back, especially now he knew Roslin had been right about the Arrow being the only path to Earth. "Dad…"

"What?"

"Are you sure about this? Overthrowing the President…it's a military coup."

"I know exactly what it is," Bill snapped. "Zak, I've made my decision, and I don't need you second-guessing me. I need you to do your job. Get down to the hangar bay. Now."

There was no arguing with that tone, Zak knew. He saluted and left.

----

The transponder did its job, and Kara made it through the Cylon patrols and into Caprican airspace without incident. She sighed with relief and thanked Zak and Gaeta silently for working out how to activate it.

She couldn't think about Zak for too long, though. It just brought back the memory of his voice over the comms, calling her name in panic as he realised what she was doing.

She just hoped he could forgive her. If he didn't – she closed her eyes abruptly.

"Kara? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, Lee," she said brusquely. She didn't turn her head to look at him; there wasn't space in the raider. It was a good thing Lee wasn't a big man; they wouldn't have squeezed in here otherwise. As it was they were pressed together rather too close for comfort.

"We'll be over Delphi in a few minutes," she said quickly.

"Good," said Lee. There was a tension in his voice that surprised her.

"Aren't you enjoying the trip?"

"I'm just – not good with tight spaces," he said, still sounding strained. "I'll be glad when we land."

Something about his voice told Kara not to pursue the subject. "We're nearly there. The museum is on the south-west side of the city. There's a large square in front of it, so it'll be easy enough to land."

"You seem to know your way around."

"I used to live in Delphi, back when I was a flight instructor." Kara couldn't help wishing the Arrow had been anywhere else. It would be hard to see anywhere on Caprica devastated, but her own city…she took a deep breath, bracing herself.

Lee was silent for the rest of their descent. Kara was concentrating hard on landing the raider safely, but she couldn't help noticing that his breathing sounded increasingly harsh and rapid. When they landed, he scrambled out of the raider almost as soon as she opened the hatch.

Kara followed more cautiously. "What the hell do you think you're doing, Lee?"

"What?"

"We're on a hostile planet," Kara snapped. "Don't you think it might have been a good idea to check for cylons before jumping out of the raider?"

"Sorry." He didn't sound very apologetic.

"I don't have time to nursemaid you, Lee. Sharpen up, or you'll get yourself killed." Kara knew she was being harsh, but she needed to get the message through to him. She forgot sometimes how new he was to the military.

"I'll do my best," Lee said sarcastically. He turned from where he had been leaning against the wing of the raider, and Kara blinked. He was pale and sweating, and she wondered for a moment if he was about to vomit.

"Are you all right?" she asked more gently, wondering what exactly about the trip in the raider had freaked him out. From his reaction, it was obviously a hell of a lot more than just not liking tight spaces.

"I'm fine," he said, in the same forbidding tone he'd used in the raider. That wouldn't usually stop her from pursuing it, but now was definitely not a good time. So she just nodded, and turned to take a look around the square, giving him time to get a hold of himself.

The damage was nowhere near as bad as she had expected. There were some ruined buildings, but most of them were still intact. If it weren't for the emptiness and the silence, and the harsh yellow glare, she could almost imagine nothing had changed.

"This is weird," she muttered, shivering.

"What were you expecting?"

"I don't know." Kara shrugged. "Flames, piles of rubble, and I suppose I thought there'd be-"

"Bodies?" said Lee bluntly. "Me too. Maybe the Cylons have been clearing up." He sounded calm again, but Kara noticed he wouldn't meet her eyes.

She shook herself and turned towards the museum. "Come on. Let's find the Arrow and get the hell out of here."

"Right with you," said Lee fervently. He settled into step beside her as they walked up to the museum entrance.

"The Arrow is on the ground floor of the museum, in the Kobol Gallery," Kara remembered. "It shouldn't be too hard to find."

"You've visited the museum before?"

Lee sounded surprised, and Kara bristled. "Of course. Why wouldn't I?"

"Didn't think it would be your scene, that's all."

Kara turned her head to glare at him. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"I just didn't realise your cultural horizons extended beyond pool and triad," said Lee with an annoying smirk.

"Keep this up, and you'll be drawing double maintenance shifts for weeks when we get back."

"Oh, I'm shaking in my boots." Lee chuckled, and Kara bit her lip trying not to smile. For a moment, she'd almost forgotten where they were.

She pushed open the heavy wooden doors of the museum.

----

From the moment they left Galactica everything seemed unreal to Zak. Making soft seal, cutting through the hull of Colonial One – he couldn't believe this was really happening. That they were attacking the President's ship, were going to arrest a woman he'd come to like and respect since the attacks. It all felt like a bad dream.

The corridors were empty as they moved through the ship. One marine reported that the civilians were all in the cargo hold, and the security team Zak had trained were all with the President in her office. They'd had plenty of time to prepare their defence.

They finally reached the office and two marines started cutting through the door. Zak watched them, lost in his own thoughts.

_Dad has no right to do this. He can't overthrow the government just because Roslin did something he disagrees with. And he's the one who lied, not her…but then if she hadn't interfered, Kara would still be here. And Lee…_

"Captain?" He jumped and realised Tigh was speaking to him.

"Yes, sir?"

"We're ready to go." Tigh was scanning his face closely. "I know this isn't easy, Captain." His voice was hard but not unkind, and for a moment he was the Uncle Saul Zak remembered from when he was a teenager, who had taught him to play triad and sneaked him a beer when no-one was looking. "But we're Colonial officers, and sometimes that means facing up to tough situations. The Old Man knows what he's doing."

The words steadied Zak and he nodded. "Yes, sir."

He needed that steadiness when he entered the office. Roslin sat behind her desk, her staff and the press gathered nervously around her. In front of them stood a protective row of security officers, guns drawn and pointing at the marines.

Zak knew every face in that row. He realised that in a few moments he might find himself firing on those familiar faces, and fought against a surge of nausea.

Tigh broke the silence. "Madam President, no one needs to get hurt here."

Roslin rose to her feet. "Then why don't you get off my ship, Colonel?"

Zak was gripped by that feeling of unreality again. This was wrong, it was all wrong…he could almost hear what Lee would have to say about all this. _We cannot sacrifice our democracy just because the President makes a bad decision._

It doesn't matter what I think. I swore an oath when I became an officer to follow orders, I can't betray that.

_Even if you don't agree with the decision? Even if it goes against what you think is right?_

Tigh's face had tightened angrily at Roslin's defiance. "I'm placing you under arrest."

For a moment Zak was tempted to put a stop to all this right now. It would be so easy. All he needed to do was raise his gun to Tigh's head, force the marines to disarm and surrender. His arm started to rise.

Suddenly memories flashed in front of his eyes. Kara's broken voice saying goodbye over the comms. Standing with Lee's note crumpled in his hand, realising he'd lost him again. His father's drawn face as he realised Lee had gone. They might never see either Kara or Lee again.

Laura Roslin was responsible for all that, and she deserved to face the consequences.

Then he heard his father's voice in his head, low and stricken. _He lied to me._

However angry he was with his father for lying about Earth, he couldn't hurt him that way, couldn't betray him and let him down as Lee had done.

So he lowered his arm and turned to face Roslin, clearing his throat.

"Madam President."

She looked at him coolly. "Captain Adama. I'm sorry to see you here."

"And I'm sorry to be here," Zak replied swiftly. "I wish it hadn't come to this. But it has, and I'm asking you not to make the situation any worse."

He paused, and saw her expression flicker slightly. Not much, but it gave him hope, and he hurried on. "Come with us peacefully, Madam President, please. Don't let there be any bloodshed here. Not over this. We're all Colonial citizens; we shouldn't be fighting each other."

There was a long moment of silence. Zak held his breath, hoping he'd got through to her.

Finally Roslin sighed and spoke. "You're right, Captain. I don't want any bloodshed on my behalf. Not over this." She turned to her security team, her voice strengthening. "Put your guns down, please. All of you, put your guns down."

Her men were reluctant, but they did as she asked. Tigh quickly signalled two marines to gather the weapons, and two more to take Roslin into custody.

Roslin turned to look at Tigh. "Let's go, Colonel."

Zak followed them, taking his first deep breath since they boarded Colonial One.

----

The Arrow of Apollo was exactly where Kara remembered it.

"I'd thought it would be bigger," Lee said critically, looking at the slim golden arrow. "Being an Instrument of Prophecy and all…"

Kara sent him an impatient glance. "Shut up." She raised her gun and shot at the case. The glass shattered with a satisfying crash.

Lee raised his eyebrows. "Couldn't we have just broken the lock?"

"This is more fun." Kara put her gun away, then reached into the case and pulled out the Arrow. Her heart thumped loudly as she studied it, wondering if this could really be the key to Earth. To a new future for them all.

"Pretty, isn't it?"

Kara jerked round at the sound of the woman's voice…and a fist slammed into her face. She crumpled to the floor, the Arrow dropping from her grasp.

For a few moments she lay there stunned, until she heard a grunt and a crash from above her and realised Lee was fighting the…the Cylon. She remembered the woman now. Shelly Godfrey, the woman who had accused Baltar of betraying the Colonies and then mysteriously disappeared.

She dragged herself upright, picking up the Arrow. She had to help Lee.

She spotted them on the other side of the gallery, at the edge of a gaping hole in the floor. The Cylon was keeping up a vicious attack, not giving Lee the time to draw his gun. Lee was putting up a good fight, but the Cylon was stronger; as Kara watched she landed a blow to Lee's chin and sent him crashing into a glass case. He fell to the floor.

"Come on Lieutenant," the Cylon mocked, kicking Lee in the ribs. "Where's that famous Adama grit?" She kicked Lee in the head this time.

Kara started to run.

The Cylon reached down and clamped a hand round Lee's neck, dragging him to his feet. "You humans are so pathetically weak," she murmured contemptuously, and tightened her grip. Lee's face went red as he struggled for breath.

Kara didn't think about what she was doing. The only thought in her head was that she had to save Lee, and she could only see one way to do it.

She charged right into the Cylon and Lee, and sent all three of them toppling over the edge of the hole.

----

"Well done, son." Bill put an approving hand on Zak's shoulder as he joined him in CIC. "Tigh told me you persuaded Roslin to back down without a fight. I'm proud of you." He smiled.

Zak smiled back uncertainly, taken aback by the rare praise. "Thank you, sir." He cleared his throat. "I hear your plan worked. Boomer took out the basestar?"

"She certainly did," said Bill with fierce satisfaction. "She's on her way up here now, I believe…ah, here she is."

Zak turned to see Boomer entering CIC, Racetrack a step behind her.

Bill moved forward to meet them. "Congratulations to both of you. You carried out a very difficult and dangerous mission. Thank you."

Boomer and Racetrack murmured their thanks. Zak looked down at the console for a moment, starting to figure out the calculations for the jump back to Kobol and planning who he would select for the rescue party.

A loud bang shattered his thoughts. He looked up, startled, to see his father staggering backwards from Boomer, who was holding a gun in her hand.

He had barely registered what he was seeing when there was another bang and Bill fell backwards onto the tactical table.

Zak ran forward. He was vaguely aware that Boomer was being tackled and disarmed; his focus was all on his father and the red pool fast spreading beneath him.

"Dad!" He tore off his jacket and pressed it down frantically on the wounds, trying to stop the bleeding. "Dad!"

----

Kara groggily opened her eyes and looked at up at the carved ceiling of the museum gallery, high above her head. She was still alive, then.

The Cylon.

She pushed herself up into a sitting position, ignoring the scream of protest from every muscle in her body. She looked frantically around her. The Cylon was lying a few feet away, impaled on an upturned table, and unmistakably dead. She relaxed.

Until the next thought hit her.

"Lee?"

He was lying just beyond the Cylon, curled on his side. Kara staggered over to him.

"Lee?" She pulled at his shoulder and he slipped unresistingly onto his back. His face was pale and his eyes were closed.

Panic flooded through her. She pulled at his shoulder again, shaking him, but he didn't respond.

"Lee!"


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter Seventeen**

Zak stood numbly in a corner of life station, watching the medics work on his father.

He had no idea how long he'd been standing there. It could have been minutes, or hours. Time seemed to have lost all meaning; it seemed years, but at the same time only seconds since he had watched his father stagger and fall onto the tactical table. He could still see it if he closed his eyes; the shock on his father's face, the blood spreading beneath him…

He forced his eyes open to watch the medics once more. They had jumped not long ago, so Doc Cottle should be back on board soon. Zak willed him to hurry. His assistant – Ishay, he thought her name was – seemed to be coping, but Zak could see the flash of uncertainty in her eyes, hear the tremble in her voice. He'd feel better when Cottle was back in charge.

He heard footsteps stride into life station and turned hopefully, but it was Tigh who entered. He paused in the doorway, mouth tightening as he looked at his friend lying still on the hospital bed. For a moment he looked almost lost.

Only for a moment, and then it flickered away as Zak moved towards him. "Zak. How's he doing?"

"I'm not sure." Zak's voice wavered guiltily. He _should_ know, he thought, he should have demanded to know – but he had kept quiet, not wanting to interrupt the medics.

If only Lee was here. Lee would have had no qualms about interrupting them, would have demanded to know what was going on.

But he wasn't. Zak was all alone.

Tigh gripped Zak's shoulder briefly and turned to Ishay. "What's his condition?"

Ishay stepped away from the bed, wiping a hand over her brow. "The bullet tore up his spleen, and his blood pressure is way down. Somebody needs to get in there and stop the bleeding, or we'll lose him."

Zak clenched his fists. He looked at his father, lying so still in the bed. He'd never applied the words weak or vulnerable to his father before, but right now he looked both.

Ishay was looking at Tigh almost pleadingly. "When will Doc Cottle be back on board?"

Tigh's face set hard. "I don't know."

"You don't know?" Zak didn't understand. "Dee said he was only fifteen minutes out when we jumped-"

"There's been a delay." Zak opened his mouth, but Tigh silenced him with a fierce stare and turned back to Ishay. "How long can he wait?"

"He can't," said Ishay bluntly. "He's running out of time. We need Cottle here now-"

"Well he won't be. You'll have to do it yourself."

"_Me_?" Ishay swallowed hard. "I'm not a doctor-"

"Well, today you are." Tigh's voice was implacable. "Do it."

Strangely enough, his uncompromising tone seemed to steady Ishay; she took a deep breath and Zak could almost see her pulling herself together. "Yes, sir."

Tigh nodded. "I'll be in CIC if there's any change." His eyes flicked to Zak. "Captain Adama, a word." He drew Zak out into the corridor.

Zak followed eagerly. He wanted some answers. "Where has Cottle got to, Colonel?"

Tigh scrubbed a hand over his face, looking suddenly exhausted. "We lost the fleet."

"_What_?" Zak gaped at him. "What do you mean? How could we lose them?"

"Gaeta forgot to transmit the last set of updated emergency jump co-ordinates to the rest of the fleet."

It took a moment for Zak to understand what Tigh was saying. "He _forgot_?" A spark of anger lit through the numbness. "How could he forget? He knows how important transmitting those coordinates are-"

"Captain." Tigh's tone cut him off firmly. "I know how you feel, but it's not Gaeta's fault. Everything was in chaos…and it's my fault as much as his. I should have checked before we jumped." He put a steadying hand on Zak's shoulder. "We'll find them. We'll find Cottle. Come up to CIC and we'll work out a solution."

Zak started. Come up to CIC? He looked back towards his father. "I can't leave him."

"You have to," said Tigh, in the same tone he'd used with Ishay. "I need you in CIC. I need your skills for this one, Zak." His voice softened slightly. "Get your brother to stay with him. We can manage without one viper pilot." He looked round, blinking. "Where is he, anyway?"

Zak stared at him. "You don't know."

"Know what?"

"Lee – Lee went in the raider with Kara. To Caprica."

"He – _what_?" Tigh's jaw dropped. "He left? Again?" He looked back into life station. "Did Bill know?"

"Yes. He left a note."

Tigh's face hardened. "I warned Bill. I warned him not to let that boy back in so easily. After all the crap he's put Bill through in the past…and now this. Betraying Bill over some wild delusion of the President's…" he trailed off, grinding his teeth. "It's a good thing he's got you, Zak. Got one son he can rely on."

Zak just nodded. He was too angry with Lee himself at the moment to defend him. "I just – don't want him to be alone."

"I know. But there's nothing you can do here."

Zak took a deep breath. He knew Tigh was right. He needed to pull himself together and do his job. Get Cottle here for his father.

"I know, sir. Let's go to CIC."

Tigh nodded approvingly. "Glad to hear it, Captain. But…you might want to wash your hands first."

Zak didn't understand. It wasn't till he looked down that he realised his hands were still covered with his father's blood.

----

"Lee!"

Lee still didn't respond. Kara fiercely pushed down her panic, forcing herself to calm. She grabbed his wrist and felt for a pulse.

After a moment she found it, faint but steady, and closed her eyes on a wave of relief.

"Starbuck?"

Kara shot to her feet, cursing herself for being taken off guard a second time. She pulled out her weapon as she turned...

…and her mouth dropped open as she was confronted with a ghost. "_Karl_?"

"Kara?" Helo walked across the rubble towards her. If he was a ghost, he was a very substantial one. "Kara, I can't believe it's you." A grin spread across his face, so achingly familiar that tears sprang to her eyes.

"I could say the same about you." Her voice wavered despite herself.

"Come here." Helo reached out to her and pulled her into a hug.

Kara pressed her face into his flightsuit, hearing his heart thump reassuringly. Definitely not a ghost. "Oh gods, Karl. I missed you."

"So did I." His voice wobbled slightly. "I could have done with one of your crazy plans."

"Looks like you did all right." She pulled back from him, feeling slightly embarrassed. "I need some help – my friend's hurt-"

She broke off as she spotted a movement behind Helo. She brought up her gun, trying to get a lock on the figure…and then she recognised it.

_Boomer._

The world seemed to stop. She stood there, suspended, as horrified understanding crashed through her mind.

"Oh dear gods-" She set her teeth, steeling herself to fire.

Suddenly Helo was in front of her, pushing at her gun hand. "Kara, no!"

She stared at him in disbelief. "She's a Cylon, Helo!"

"I know, but – you don't understand, she's not – she's pregnant." She'd never heard him sound so desperate before. "She's carrying my child."

Kara stared at him incredulously. "Karl-"

"Kara, please. Don't shoot."

She couldn't resist the pleading in his eyes. Not Karl, not when she'd just found him again. So she lowered the gun, even though she cursed herself for a fool as she did so.

Boomer – no, the _Cylon_ – spoke into the silence. "We don't have time for this." She gestured towards the dead Cylon sprawled on the floor. "Her consciousness is being downloaded right now, and when she wakes up, she'll tell them exactly where you are."

"She's right," said Helo. "We have to go."

"Just because she says so?" Kara laughed harshly. "Yes, let's all listen to Sharon the Cylon. What a great idea."

"Kara, she got me this far." Helo put a hand on her shoulder and she angrily jerked away.

"Shut up, Karl. I get it. I know how you felt about her, and-" She broke off, feeling an almost physical pain as she remembered teasing him about his crush on Boomer, back on Galactica. And all the time…she shook the memories away fiercely. "But that isn't her. That isn't Sharon. It's just some cheap copy-"

"I'm not a copy." Boomer sounded almost hurt, and Kara could have strangled her for that alone. "I remember you, Starbuck. The first time I saw you, puking your guts up in the head-"

"Shut up." Kara couldn't stand any more. She brought the gun back up, trying to ignore the way her arm was shaking. "Shut the frak up."

"Kara, no!"

"No, Karl. I don't care. I don't care what lies she's told you. She's a Cylon, that's all that matters."

"No." Helo lunged for the gun.

Kara struggled furiously, but he was bigger and stronger, and she didn't want to hurt him, not when she'd just got him back, and she wasn't sure she could kill Boomer anyway, even if she was a Cylon, and…she found tears were running down her face.

"Kara." She realised Helo was bending over her, her gun tucked securely in his hand. "Kara, I'm sorry, but I can't let you-"

"Helo!"

Helo turned immediately at the urgency in Boomer's voice. Kara scrambled upright and gasped.

Lee was awake. Awake and struggling to his feet, even if he was swaying slightly. His arm was rock steady though, as he pointed his gun at Boomer.

Kara had never thought Helo could move so fast. She blinked and suddenly he was next to Lee, holding her gun to Lee's head.

"You pull that trigger and I pull this one."

Lee smiled harshly. "Why do you care? She won't even die, she'll just download."

"But our baby will." Helo's voice was harder than Kara had ever heard it. "I won't let that happen."

"So you'll kill me instead? To save a Cylon?"

_Damn it, Lee, don't antagonise him_…Kara didn't like the look in Helo's eyes.

"Yes." Helo gritted out. "Don't think for one moment I won't do it."

"Stop it!" Kara shook herself out of her daze and ran forward. "Stop it, both of you! Karl, don't be stupid, you're not going to shoot him."

Helo didn't even blink. "I will if I have to."

"And will you shoot me too?" She pushed herself between them, glaring at Helo down the barrel of her own gun. "For gods' sake Karl-"

"Kara, don't. Get out of the way." To her surprise it was Lee speaking, not Karl.

"I won't. Not until you both lower your guns."

"Kara…"

"Just do it, Lee. We can sort all this out. Please."

A long moment passed. Kara held her breath. Then she heard Lee sigh behind her, and felt his arm lower. "All right."

"That's better." Karl lowered his gun, and Kara could finally breathe again.

She turned to Lee. "Are you okay?"

He shrugged, face still set and hard. "My ribs ache, and I feel like someone smashed my head against a brick wall, but I'll be fine. You?"

"I'm fine." She stared at him for a moment, alive and talking, and fought down an urge to pull him into her arms. First Karl, then him…she must be going soft. So she scowled at him instead. "Frakking idiot. What did you think you were doing, taking on a Cylon all by yourself?"

Some of the anger faded from his eyes. "What about you? Sending us all pitching into that hole-"

"Saved your life, didn't it? Stop complaining." Kara tried to grin, but she couldn't quite manage it.

Lee looked over her shoulder, his face hardening again. "So who's your friend?" He managed to make the last word sound like a deadly insult.

Kara stepped back so she could see both men. She had a feeling that if she didn't keep an eye on them they'd end up in another fight within seconds.

"This is Lieutenant Karl Agathon – Helo. He was lost on Caprica during the attacks."

Lee nodded slowly, his eyes scanning the other man. "I've heard the other pilots talk about you." He smiled contemptuously. "Looks like the Cylons made you very welcome."

The cool insolence in his tone made Kara grind her teeth. Karl was a hard man to provoke, but Lee at his worst could drive a pacifist to violence. She wasn't surprised to see Karl's eyes darken.

"And who's your _friend_, Kara?"

"This is Lieutenant Lee Adama. Apollo."

"Adama?" Helo raised his eyebrows.

"Zak's brother."

"His brother? I didn't know he had one." Helo grinned harshly. "Maybe he's just another Cylon impostor."

"Or maybe you are." Lee's eyes were boring into Helo's face. "It seems a little convenient that you should have survived this long. And turned up just in the right place to meet Kara-"

A rumble in the background interrupted him.

Kara froze. She knew that sound…she looked across the room and saw Boomer had slipped away.

"Frak!" She ran for the doorway, not looking to see if the two men were following her. Ran even though she knew it was futile, it was too late.

She burst out onto the museum steps just in time to see the raider soar away over their heads.

"Bitch stole my ride."

Lee came up beside her, cursing. "Should have let me shoot her, Kara."

----

"A network?" Tigh looked from Zak to Gaeta, frowning. "I don't like the sound of that. The Old Man's always been adamant: no computer networks on his ship."

"I know, sir." Zak took a deep breath, trying to think how to convince him. "I don't like it any more than you, but hooking up the networks is the only way we can calculate those co-ordinates fast enough."

"It's a hell of a risk." Tigh's hand clenched hard on the side of the tactical table. "If the Cylons break into the network then we'll be dead in the water, just like those poor bastards back at the Colonies."

"I can devise a firewall that will buy us more time," said Gaeta quickly.

Tigh raised his eyebrows. "You're going to out-think the Cylons at computer software?"

Much to Zak's surprise, Gaeta didn't falter under the XO's sceptical stare. "We only need ten minutes, sir. I can buy us that."

Tigh still looked undecided, so Zak played his last card. "This is the only way we're going to find the fleet before Dad-" but he couldn't quite bring himself to utter the words.

Tigh stared at him for a long moment. Zak waited patiently. He didn't envy Tigh the decision he had to make. What they were proposing was a huge gamble; there was no getting away from it.

Finally Tigh picked up the intercom. "Begin jump prep."

Zak let out the breath he'd been holding.

----

Despite Zak and Gaeta's combined efforts, the firewall nearly didn't hold. The Cylons had all but broken the final barrier when Zak pulled the plug.

But they'd done it. By the skin of their teeth, but they'd done it. They'd got the co-ordinates, and when they jumped the fleet was there. After the nightmare of the last day, something was finally going Zak's way.

"Dee, contact the Rising Star," Tigh said, "and tell Cottle to get his ass over here asap." He looked at Zak. "Captain, you're dismissed. You can report to life station."

"Thank you, sir." Zak's eyes met Tigh's with gratitude. He had no illusions about Tigh. He was a drunk, always had been, but he'd also always been a loyal friend to his father. Zak wasn't sure how he'd have got through today without him.

His father was still unconscious when he got to life station. Ishay was at his bedside, looking pale and exhausted.

"How is he?"

Ishay looked up at him, and she was too tired to hide the calculation in her eyes as she decided what to tell him.

"Tell me the truth," said Zak quietly. "I need to know."

She stared at him a moment longer, and then nodded. "I stopped the bleeding, but…he's still critical."

"Cottle's on his way." Zak reached down and grasped his father's hand. It was reassuringly warm.

"Thank the gods for that." Ishay sighed. "After this, I'm sticking to pills and enemas."

"Thank you," said Zak abruptly. He smiled at her, putting all the effort he could manage into it through his exhaustion. "You saved his life."

He was rewarded by a warm smile in return. "Thank you, Captain."

"Can I stay with him?"

"Yes. But make the most of it," said Ishay. "Once Cottle gets here, he'll kick you straight out."

Zak had no doubt that he would. So as Ishay left him, pulling the curtain carefully closed behind her, he bent down to whisper in his father's ear.

"Stay with me, Dad. Don't you leave me as well."


	18. Chapter 18

**Author's note:** I've been away for the last week so haven't had time to reply to the reviews for chapter 17 individually as I usually try to do. So please can you all consider this your thanks, I really look forward to reading your comments and appreciate you taking the time to make them.**  
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**Chapter Eighteen**

Kara walked wearily down the streets of Delphi, squinting against the harsh yellow glare and trying to ignore the aches that jarred through her body at every step.

She wasn't sure who she was most angry at – Sharon for being a Cylon, Helo for defending her, or herself for being distracted and letting Sharon get away with the raider. In the end though, it didn't really matter. The hard fact was they were stranded here on Caprica with no transport home, and the only thing she should be thinking about was what the hell they were going to do now.

"We should probably head out of the city, try to scout o­ne of the outlying airbases," said Helo, walking beside her. "See if we can find a raptor." Lee was following them a few paces behind, acting as rear guard. Kara had thought it best to keep the two of them apart for a while.

Kara just nodded. It wasn't a bad idea, but she wasn't going to tell him that at the moment.

They walked for a few more minutes in silence, through the empty streets. Kara found the stillness, the complete absence of signs of life, eerie. It was as if Delphi was a city long abandoned, instead of a place that had been bustling with life only a few months ago. She shivered, and saw Helo was watching her knowingly.

"Finding it odd, being back?"

"It's just not what I expected. Thought I'd be stepping over decaying corpses in the streets."

"I saw a few bodies here and there," said Helo, looking suddenly weary. "Not many though. Sharon said they had troops out collecting the bodies. Transporting them to mass incinerators."

Kara nodded, and then felt suddenly sick. What had the world turned into, that she could just nod at the idea of mass incinerators? Anger flared inside her, and she struck out at the nearest target. "Your girlfriend's from a lovely family. Good people, great values."

She meant it to wound, and wasn't surprised when Helo finally turned on her. "All right, Kara, enough. Enough already. She fooled me, fooled me completely. Is that what you wanted to hear?"

Kara shrugged. "It'll do for a start."

"Okay, so I'm an idiot. So maybe I should have known sooner. But I don't care. I've been here for weeks on my own, running from the Cylons…and then she was here, like some kind of miracle, and I was so damn glad to see her…" He trailed off, squinting up at the sun. "I suppose I should have known. But she seemed so real…same voice, same smile, the same Sharon I fell in love with." He looked back at Kara, half apologetic, half defiant. "So she made a fool of me. So what?"

"So what?" Kara stopped, turning to face him angrily. "Look, I don't care that she made a fool of you before, what pisses me off is that you're still letting her make a fool of you now. You know what she is, and you're still protecting her!" Her voice rose with frustration. How could Karl let Sharon do this to him?

"I have to! Kara, she's carrying my child-"

"How do you know that?" she fired back. "How do you know she's not lying? Gods, men can be so stupid sometimes!" She barely held herself back from punching him.

She waited him to shout back at her, but he didn't. Just looked at her with sad eyes and said quietly, "She's not lying, Kara. I just – I just know."

"Of course she's lying! She's a machine. Machines can't have babies."

"She's having ours," he said with infuriating certainty.

Kara wanted to scream. "She doesn't deserve this loyalty you're giving her, Karl. She betrayed all of us, she stole our way home, stop protecting her!"

For a moment the calm on Helo's face shattered. "Kara, it's not that easy." The pain in his voice silenced her. "What if Zak was a Cylon? Could you turn on him, just like that?"

Kara opened her mouth to protest, when the mention of Zak suddenly brought something that had been nagging at the edge of her mind for the past few minutes into focus.

"Where's Lee?" She and Helo had been standing stock still arguing for a while now. Shouldn't he have interrupted?

She swung round to look, heart thumping. For a moment she couldn't see him…and then she spotted his figure about a hundred yards behind them, leaning against a wall.

"Lee!" She hurried back towards him, cursing herself for being distracted yet again. She shouldn't have lost track of him.

Lee turned and straightened as she reached him, wiping a hand across his mouth. Looking down, Kara realised he'd just been sick. "Lee, are you okay?"

He didn't reply for a moment, just blinked at her. His blue eyes had lost their usual sharpness, and there was a slightly dazed look on his face. She had to repeat the question before he replied.

"I'm okay." He rubbed a hand across his forehead. "I've just got a bit of a headache, that's all."

Kara bit her lip. She didn't like the sound of this. Headache, nausea, disorientation…it was a long time since her first aid training, but she knew enough to recognise the signs of a concussion.

She reached out and linked his arm with hers. "Come on, Lee."

He blinked in surprise, but followed her lead meekly, and that worried her more than anything else. "Where are we going?"

"Somewhere you can rest. You'll feel better if you rest." She hoped to the gods that was true. She smiled at him fiercely, trying to infuse some of her own energy into him by sheer force of will. "It's okay, I know just where to go. I've got a place here."

----

Kara's flat was what Helo had expected and yet not.

He'd expected the messy clutter, the stark concrete floor, the bare windows and the complete lack of home comforts. All that was very Kara.

What he hadn't expected was the paintings, bright and vibrant on the bare walls, dominating the whole room.

"Are these yours?" He'd never thought of Kara as the artistic type, and yet it fitted, in a strange way. "Did you paint all this, Kara?"

"Yep." Kara helped Apollo – and what kind of pretentious callsign was that, anyway? – over to the tatty sofa.

Helo looked back at the paintings. They were roughly done, but powerful; there was something about them that drew the eye, held the attention. His eyes lingered on a particularly bright swirl of colour, a whorl of yellow, orange and blue.

"How are you feeling, Apollo?" Kara was crouched down in front of the sofa, her eyes intent on the other man's face.

"I'm fine, Starbuck."

"Bullshit." Helo agreed with Kara; Apollo's face was dead white and he was still looking dazed. "Your head's still hurting, isn't it?"

"Yes," Apollo admitted reluctantly.

"Are you feeling sick again?"

"No."

"Do you know where we are?"

Bright blue eyes flashed in the afternoon sunlight. "I don't know…Hades? Of course I know where the hell we are! I wish I could forget." His voice cut acidly, and Helo winced. Using that kind of tone to Kara was always a bad idea. He decided to have a look around the kitchen.

Kara's angry voice followed him in. "For frak's sake, Apollo, you've got a concussion! I'm just trying to find out how bad it is-"

"Fine. We're on the Twelve Colonies, Caprica, Delphi, in the scruffiest flat I've ever seen. Happy now?"

Helo shook his head as he looked through the cupboards. This Apollo guy certainly seemed to go out of his way to find trouble. First pulling a gun on Sharon, now talking to Kara like that…he pulled out a packet of dried noodles and continued hunting. He wasn't going back out just yet.

But Kara's next words weren't the explosion he expected.

"Lee? Is it hurting you to breathe?"

Silence.

"How badly did you hurt your ribs, exactly?" The stubborn silence continued. "Right, that's it, Adama. I want to see the damage. Tanks off. Now."

"I'm okay, Kara."

Helo's hands paused slightly. Kara didn't allow many people to use her first name. Only Sharon and himself, among the Galactica pilots, and even them only after a year. Yet he'd heard Apollo use it several times now, with easy familiarity. Had she known him for some time, then? He'd never heard Kara mention him – or Zak, either, which was odd. He hadn't even realised Zak had a brother.

"Just do it, Lee. Or do you want me to make that an order?"

There was a grunt of irritation from Apollo, and then a rustle of clothing as he pulled off his jacket. Helo judged it safe to leave the kitchen.

"Don't tell me you've found someone gullible enough to take orders from you, Starbuck."

Apollo shot him an annoyed glance as he dropped his jacket on the floor. "Well, she is the CAG."

Helo's mouth dropped open. "The _CAG_?" His eyes flicked to Kara, who was shifting uncomfortably. "They made _you_ the CAG?"

"Yes."

Helo couldn't stop himself laughing. It was the first time he'd felt like it in a long while. "Starbuck the CAG. I don't believe it."

"Shut up, Karl." Kara was scowling at him.

"So how do you manage? Do you send yourself to hack?" His sides were aching now. "Escort yourself to the brig?"

"Frak off."

"She's a damn good CAG, actually." Apollo's voice was quiet, but there was a sharp edge to it that quenched Helo's laughter. "Best one I know."

"That's because I'm the _only_ one you know, Lee." Kara's voice was dismissive, but there was a soft light in her eyes that made Helo frown thoughtfully. If it had seemed at all likely, he would have said she was flattered. But when had Kara ever given a damn what anyone thought of her?

"Stop stalling, Lee. I want to see the damage."

Apollo sighed and pulled off his tanks. There was definitely damage. Bruises were already forming around his ribcage. Helo winced in sympathy.

Kara started checking his injuries briskly. Apollo flinched a few times, but he didn't make a sound. She finished her inspection by glaring up at him.

"I'd say you've got at least two broken ribs, possibly three. Why the hell didn't you say something?"

Apollo glared right back at her. "Because there's no point! I've had broken ribs before, and there's nothing you can do except wait for them to heal." He picked up his tanks and pulled them back on, trying and failing not to wince as he did so.

Kara watched him, lips set tightly. "But you can damn well go and lie down. You need rest for a concussion."

"How can I rest?" Apollo snapped back. "We're stranded here; we need to plan our next move."

"I already have. There's a few military bases on the outskirts of the city. We'll go to one, see if we can pick up a raptor."

"What, just stroll in and take one? The three of us against a base of heavily armed Cylons?"

He was right, of course, but Helo still found himself grinding his teeth at the other man's caustic tone. Couldn't Kara have found someone a little less obnoxious to keep her company? And why the hell hadn't she punched his lights out by now?

All Kara did though was scowl at Apollo. "Stop being such a wet blanket, Lee. We'll figure something out." She paused, and a grin spread across her face, that gleeful Starbuck grin that she wore when she won at the triad table. "You're forgetting I have a destiny to fulfil."

Apollo groaned, burying his head in his hands. "How could I forget?"

"Go and get some rest, Lee." Kara said quietly. "We can sort everything else out in the morning."

"All right." Apollo looked up and smiled at her, taking Helo by surprise. It was an incongruously sweet smile that transformed his whole face, making him look years younger and far more approachable.

"There's a bed in the other room. Go use it."

"Yes, sir," said Apollo, with a mock salute. He got slowly to his feet, and Helo saw him wobble slightly before he steadied himself on the arm of the sofa. He headed doggedly into the other room. Helo felt a stab of sympathy. He'd cracked a rib himself once, after a bad landing, and he remembered how painful it had been.

"Damn it, I wish I had some pain meds," Kara muttered, frowning after Apollo.

"You didn't have any here?"

"Nope. Don't believe in them." She was still frowning, so Helo tried to distract her.

"Just like you don't believe in groceries? One package of noodles, Kara?"

She blinked at him for a moment and then grinned. "That's not quite all, Karl." She pulled open the door of small cupboard by the window and produced a familiar looking bottle. "I've got ambrosia as well as noodles."

"You're a great hostess." Helo sank down onto the sofa, leaning his head back with relief. He couldn't remember the last time he'd felt this comfortable.

"Just one more thing to help us all get some rest." Kara was fiddling about with something by the window. Helo heard several clicks and then his eyes sprang open as piano music stole through the room.

"How did you get power?"

"Batteries." Kara flung herself down in the armchair. "They kept turning off the power. Something about not paying the bills."

Helo grinned at that. Same old Starbuck. It was good to have her back.

Kara had chosen well, the music was soothing. He closed his eyes and let himself float on the sound. A thought crossed his mind and he found himself smiling.

"Captain Thrace the CAG, huh?"

Kara pulled a face at him and passed him the bottle of ambrosia. "Shut up, Karl."

----

When Kara woke it was dark. The moon was full, and just enough of its pale light streamed through the wide windows to let her see Helo, stretched out fast asleep on the sofa.

Kara got to her feet quietly, trying not to wake him. Carefully avoiding the empty ambrosia bottle, she headed for the bedroom to check on Lee. One thing she remembered was that you shouldn't let people with concussion sleep too long without checking on them.

She paused by the bedside, listening with relief to the regular sound of Lee's breathing. His ribs might be painful, but at least he didn't seem to have damaged his lungs. She climbed up onto the bed next to him and shook him gently. "Lee?"

It took a few moments for him to stir, and she felt a renewed surge of anxiety. But eventually he spoke. "Kara?"

She smiled, even though he couldn't see it. "You know who I am then."

"Of course." He sounded grumpy. "Are you going to ask me where we are again?"

Kara relaxed. If he was well enough to grumble, he was okay. "I just can't remember, Lee. I must be getting old." She lay down beside him, sinking gratefully into the mattress and stretching her cramped limbs. Sleeping in the armchair had not been comfortable.

"The music's stopped," said Lee. He sounded as if he was still half asleep.

"The tape ran out."

"I liked it. Took my mind off how much it hurts."

Definitely half asleep, Kara thought. He'd never admit that if he was fully alert.

"What was it? The music?"

Kara bit her lip, staring up at the ceiling. "It was my dad." The tape was one of the things she'd come back to the flat to get.

"Your dad?"

"He was a concert pianist."

"Did he teach you to play?" Lee sounded slightly more awake now; his words weren't so slurred.

"He tried." Kara smiled at the memory. "I was never much good, though."

"You painted instead. I saw. In the other room."

"Yeah." Kara kind of wished he hadn't. Karl either. She had never shown anyone her painting. It was too intense, too personal.

"I liked it."

The blunt words took Kara aback. "What?"

"I liked your painting. It's good. Draws – draws you in."

Kara didn't know what to say. She lay silent for a moment, feeling absurdly pleased and yet incredibly awkward.

"Go to sleep, Lee," she said finally. "You need to rest."

"I'm trying." A wry chuckle. "But now I'm awake – ribs are hurting again. Hard to ignore." He shifted beside her, obviously trying to get comfortable. "Talking helps. Distracts me."

"Okay then." It was the least she could do after waking him up. "Talk away."

"Did you ever watch your dad play in a concert?"

"A few times." Kara smiled at those memories too. "When I was younger. Before he walked out."

"I'm sorry."

"It happens." Kara kept her voice casual. "He wasn't around much before he left anyway…always on some tour or other."

"I know what that's like."

Kara nodded to herself, remembering what Zak had told her about his childhood. "Guess you do."

"So was your mother musical too?"

Kara smothered a laugh at the idea. "Hell, no. She was ex-military. A sergeant-major. Strictly practical." She stared into the darkness, lost in thought. "I never could figure out what they ever saw in each other. Chalk and cheese."

"So you had a military parent as well," Lee said softly. "Guess you had military values drummed into you too, then."

Kara tensed. This was the point at which she should stop. Make a joke, change the subject, deflect the questions like she always did.

But for the first time ever, that automatic reflex didn't kick in. Maybe it was the alcohol buzzing gently in her bloodstream. Maybe it was the dark and the silence and the feeling of isolation, as if the two of them were trapped in a bubble outside the real world, where what you said didn't matter. Maybe it was the memory of what Zak had said about his mother that day in Cloud Nine.

She wasn't sure. Whatever the reason, she found herself answering him. "She certainly liked to lay down the law. I didn't always pay much attention."

"I can imagine," Lee said wryly.

Kara barely heard him. Suddenly the dark room seemed filled with harsh images, memories that were all too vivid. "It wouldn't have mattered if I had," she said bitterly. "Nothing I ever did was good enough for her anyway." She felt the mattress shift as Lee turned towards her. "So she kept on yelling, and I stopped listening."

"She should have tried ignoring you instead," said Lee. Something had shifted in his voice, and it was as bitter now as her own. "That's the way to get a child to be good, you know, to try to be exactly what its mother wants. Just ignore it."

Something in his tone struck a chord with Kara, almost painful in its familiarity. She turned on her side to face him.

"Of course, it only works for a while," Lee went on. His voice was flat, almost detached. "Eventually the child figures out that however hard it tries it's never going to be good enough. Because nothing is ever going to make up for the crime of being born in the first place. But it takes a good long while."

Kara didn't quite understand what he meant. How could you commit a crime by being born? But she understood the emotion behind his words, in the gaps of what he didn't say.

"My mother felt the military had abandoned her. Stuck her in a crummy flat on a tiny pension and left her to rot."

"And she took it out on you." It wasn't a question. She felt his hand brush against hers in the darkness, and tensed. "My mother…well, she never wanted to be a mother at all. Certainly didn't want to be a military wife, stuck out on a base, husband never around. She hated it."

_And she took it out on you,_ Kara thought, remembering what Zak had said. His fingers were still touching hers, and after a moment she opened her hand invitingly. There was a moment of hesitation, and then his hand slid into hers, squeezing it tightly.

They lay there silently for a moment, hands linked. Kara was glad she couldn't see his face. The darkness made everything easier, gave her the courage to ask him something she had wondered about ever since Zak told her Lee's story.

"How did you do it?"

"Do what?" Lee sounded confused.

"Leave. I used to think about it," she said reflectively. "Even tried it, once or twice. But I could never stick it out. After a few days I always came back." She'd never been able to keep going, the way he had done. She wondered how her life would have turned out if she had.

"Why did you go back?" Lee asked gently.

"I don't know." Kara thought about it. "I guess…I guess I couldn't bring myself to give up on her entirely." Her mouth twisted bitterly. "I always hoped things would get better. That she would change."

"I knew my parents wouldn't change," he said flatly. "I gave them sixteen years, and that was long enough."

Kara was curious. "But didn't you…ever regret it? Ever look back?"

There was a long silence, and she thought he wasn't going to answer her. His hand was suddenly rigid in her loose grip.

"Yes," he said finally, the word sounding like an admission of defeat. "But - but not because of them. My parents. Because of Zak." His voice trembled, and he stopped, took a deep breath to steady himself. "I never forgave myself for leaving him, not really. But I thought…I thought he'd be all right."

"He was," said Kara quietly. She squeezed his hand.

"She loved him, you see," Lee went on, as if he hadn't heard her. "She was never as bad with him."

"Never as bad?" His whole body was rigid now.

Another long silence. Then he spoke, so quietly she almost didn't hear him. "She never hit him."

Oh. Kara's hand tightened on his. "But…Zak said she wasn't like that..."

"I took good care he never found out." His voice was back to that flat detached tone. "I didn't want him to know. I still don't."

"I won't tell him."

"I know." The simple certainty in his voice brought tears to her eyes.

She lay there for a moment, gathering the courage to say it. She never had before, had never thought she could. But here in the dark, after what he had just said, it didn't seem so difficult after all. "My mother…my mother hit me too."

Her throat closed up after that, and she couldn't say any more. But she realised after a moment that she didn't need to; that just getting out those bare words was enough of a relief for the moment.

She felt Lee's hand close tightly over her own, so hard that it almost hurt.

"Mothers are over-rated," he said finally, and Kara closed her eyes with relief. She had feared questions, feared pity, feared disgust.

She should have known better than that, after what he had just told her. He of all people understood.

"They sure are," she murmured, biting back the tears, and squeezed his hand in return, finding reassurance in its warmth, a refuge from the cold, sharp-edged memories.

He didn't say anything else after that. She thought that maybe he didn't want to speak of it further any more than she did. So they just lay there in silence, wrapped in the comforting dark, until she drifted into sleep.


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter Nineteen**

"Zak."

Zak looked up from his father's still face to find Gaeta watching him from the other side of the bed.

"Hi, Felix." He'd been so lost in thought that he hadn't heard Gaeta approach. "Is something wrong? Do you need me in CIC?"

"No," said Gaeta quickly. "I just thought I'd check in, see how the commander's doing."

Zak looked back down at his father and swallowed hard. "He's…the medics stopped the bleeding, but…we'll know more when Cottle gets here."

"He's on his way," said Gaeta reassuringly. "Dee got a message to say his raptor had launched just as I was leaving CIC. I thought you'd like to know."

"Thanks," said Zak, and Gaeta smiled awkwardly.

"I just…I'm sorry you had to leave him earlier. To fix my mistake."

Zak blinked in surprise. "Felix, don't think that. It wasn't-"

He broke off as the lights went out, plunging them into darkness.

"What's going on?"

Ishay hurried into the cubicle and started checking his father's ventilator. "Get the emergency torches," she called to another medic over her shoulder.

Gaeta headed for the phone. "I'll call CIC, see if I can find out what's going on. I hope it's not-" His eyes met Zak's briefly, and they both finished his sentence silently. _I hope it's not a Cylon virus…_

"We did the best we could," Zak said steadily, and Gaeta nodded.

Zak turned back to Ishay. "Is he okay?"

A shudder seemed to run through the room, and the emergency lights flicked on. The ventilator whirred back into life, and Ishay stepped back in relief. Zak let out his breath.

"Looks like the emergency power's kicked in." He turned to Gaeta. "Any luck contacting CIC?"

Gaeta shook his head and replaced the receiver. "I can't get through. The lines are jammed."

"We'd better get up there then." Zak didn't want to leave his father again, but he was obviously needed elsewhere. He took one last look at Bill, grabbed one of the torches, and then followed Gaeta out of life station.

----

Lee opened his eyes and blinked at the bright light. Not the harsh glare of fluorescent light either, but the warm glow of sunlight.

He couldn't remember the last time he'd woken to sunlight.

Memory slowly flooded back. Caprica…they were stranded on Caprica, hiding out in Kara's flat. This was her bed he was sleeping in…

He opened his eyes fully and realised he was alone on the bed. He frowned. He could have sworn…hadn't Kara been here? In the dark? Hadn't he fallen asleep holding her hand?

Maybe not. Maybe it had all just been a dream born of concussion and confusion. But it had seemed so real. They had talked about…

He closed his eyes abruptly, turning his face into the pillow as he remembered what they had talked about. Suddenly he hoped it _had_ been a dream. He never talked about _that_, not to anyone. What could have possessed him to…his wits must have been more scattered than he'd realised.

Gods, he hoped she wouldn't bring it up today. But then…he remembered with a pang of sympathy what she had confessed to him. Maybe she wouldn't want to refer to it any more than he did.

He pulled his face out of the pillow. No point in dwelling on it, in any case. Morning was here and they needed to get going and find a way off this planet. He couldn't help feeling their prospects of that were slim.

At least his headache had gone, along with that strange feeling that had plagued him yesterday, of feeling as if he were walking through water, as if everything was blurred and distorted. Looked like he hadn't suffered any permanent damage. His father had always said he had a hard head.

He sat up as carefully as he could, but the movement still sent a sharp pain arching through his chest and he had to sit still for a moment until it passed. He'd forgotten how uncomfortable broken ribs were.

After a moment he steeled himself to reach down and pull on his boots. He could hear the murmur of voices in the other room now, and followed them to find Kara and Helo in the kitchen.

"Morning," said Helo, and Lee nodded neutrally. Kara seemed to trust this guy, but he reserved the right to stay wary of anyone who would defend a toaster.

"How are you feeling?" asked Kara. Her tone was brisk, but Lee was watching her closely enough to see the brief flicker of nervousness in her eyes.

So last night's conversation _hadn't_ been a dream.

"Much better," he said, trying to cover up his own nerves. "Headache's gone."

"You look better," said Kara awkwardly. "Ration bar?"

Lee took it, and got himself a glass of water. "Thanks."

"We should get moving," said Helo. "We've got a long way to walk before we even get out of the city."

Kara grinned at him. "Who said anything about walking?" She pulled a set of keys out of her jacket pocket and dangled them in front of Helo. They sparkled in the sunlight.

Helo's face lit up. "Did I mention how much I missed you, Starbuck?"

"Not really."

Helo grinned. "Immensely. I'll just go and wash up while you finish eating." He disappeared into the bathroom.

Kara put the keys away, her smile fading. Her eyes darted towards Lee uncertainly.

Lee bit into his ration bar, thinking. He wanted to reassure her, but he didn't want to talk about last night, either.

"You sleep well?" he said finally.

Kara stiffened. "Yes," she said warily. "You?"

"Yes." Lee took a deep breath. "Odd how things sound different in the light of day, isn't it?" He paused. Kara was watching him intently, biting her lip. "I've always thought…that what's said in the dark should stay in the dark. Don't you agree?"

Kara watched him for a moment longer. Then she nodded, and the tension faded from her face. "Yes, I do."

Lee hesitated. "We're okay?"

At that Kara finally smiled at him, without a trace of awkwardness. A wave of relief swept over Lee, warming him right down to his toes.

"Yes, Lee. We're okay."

----

The corridors were dark despite the emergency lighting, and Zak was glad he'd picked up the torch.

"We need to write a programme to check the computer systems immediately," Gaeta said. "Make absolutely sure they're clean of any viruses."

"Assuming our programme can recognise them," Zak said gloomily. "Cylon technology is so far in advance of our own – what was that?"

"What?"

"That noise." Zak heard it again. A regular metallic clanking. Louder now. It sounded like…

Like someone was approaching down the corridor.

Everything suddenly connected.

"Run!"

"Zak? What?"

"Run, Felix!" Zak snapped, just as a red light appeared around the turn of the corridor.

A Cylon centurion.

Gaeta ran.

They hurtled down the corridor, but Zak could hear the Centurion was gaining on them. He jerked Gaeta to a halt by a companionway. "Up!" he gasped, pulling out his gun.

Gaeta hesitated, his face pale. "Lieutenant, go!"

Zak turned to face the Centurion and started firing as Gaeta scurried up the ladder.

His bullets were perfectly aimed – he'd always been a good shot – but they had no effect. He watched in horror as they pinged off the Centurion's armour. There was no way he could get up the ladder now - it was too close – he had to keep firing-

And then his gun clicked uselessly. Out of bullets.

_Oh gods, this is it – oh gods…_

And then the Centurion exploded.

----

Kara's car could have passed for an army truck, much to Helo's amusement. At least it was big enough that the three of them weren't too crushed in the cab. Kara was driving of course, so that meant he was sitting next to Apollo, and he wasn't comfortable with sitting too close to someone whom he had held at gunpoint the day before.

Kara had remembered an emergency airstrip at Gups' Point, wherever the hell that was. Helo didn't know, and after a while it emerged Kara didn't either, when she pulled to a halt at a crossroads and announced she wasn't sure which direction to go in.

"What do you mean, you don't know?" asked Apollo irritably.

"I'm just not entirely sure."

Apollo looked impatient. "I asked you when we set out if you needed directions-"

"I don't! It's just a long time since I've been there, that's all. I'll remember in a minute."

"Forgive me if I don't hold my breath." Apollo opened the glove box and pulled out a map. "Perhaps we'd better check you were going the right way in the first place."

"I know my way round my own city, Lee!"

"There's no harm in double checking." Apollo tried to unfold the map and Helo ducked as the edge nearly hit him in the face.

"Careful there, Apollo."

"Sorry," Apollo muttered, not sounding apologetic in the least. He looked at the map again and cursed. "I'll go and spread it out on the bonnet."

"Waste of time," said Kara. "I'll remember in a minute."

Apollo ignored her and got out of the truck, all but slamming the door behind him. Helo looked after him, torn between annoyance and amusement.

"What a little ray of sunshine."

Kara snorted with laughter. "He's not usually this bad."

"Glad to hear it." Helo looked out through the windscreen. Apollo was bent over the map now, frowning in concentration. "I suppose he does have a point. Navigation's never been your strong suit. On the ground, anyway."

Kara stuck her tongue out at him. "Shut up. I'm not going to admit that to him, though."

"You and your little competitions, Kara." Helo took the opportunity to stretch his arms. "So how long have you known Apollo?"

Kara frowned. "Couple of months, I guess." She lifted her eyebrows at Helo's surprised face. "What?"

"Nothing. I just thought – you talk to him as if you've known him for longer, that's all."

Kara shrugged casually. "I guess friendships just spring up faster in wartime. And he's an easy guy to get on with."

That little comment left Helo speechless for a few moments. An easy guy to get on with? It was the last term he would have picked to describe Apollo. It wasn't so much that he was quiet and reserved as the nature of that reserve – the cool, watchful manner that gave Helo the uncomfortable feeling that everything he did or said was being judged against some exacting internal measure. And when Apollo did speak – well, the guy was almost as vocal and blunt with his opinions as Kara.

No. He'd describe Zak Adama as an easy guy to get on with, but definitely not his brother.

"How's Zak?" he asked on the heels of that thought. "I'm surprised he didn't come with you."

He knew immediately he'd struck a nerve. Kara's mouth set and she stared at the steering wheel. "It's…complicated." Helo waited patiently, and after a moment she continued. "Look, the Old Man didn't want me to come looking for the Arrow and Zak agreed with him."

"But Apollo didn't?"

"No. Lee and his dad…have a few differences of opinion."

"Why doesn't that surprise me," Helo muttered.

Kara chuckled. "You don't like him, do you?"

"I don't really know him well enough to say," said Helo diplomatically. "He's just very…opinionated."

"And stubborn, and contrary, and a complete pain in the ass," Kara agreed cheerfully. "But he's been a good friend to me."

Helo nodded. He could see that much. See that somehow Apollo had got to a level of intimacy with Kara in a few weeks that had taken Helo himself years, and so far he couldn't understand why. There must be more to the man than there first appeared.

But before he could ask Kara more, the morning silence was shattered by a gunshot.

----

"Are you all right, sir?"

Zak blinked at the three marines who had appeared behind the ruins of the Centurion, trying to catch his breath. His heart was thumping so violently he thought it might burst out of his chest.

Eventually he managed to force his lips to form words. "I'm all right." He looked up the ladder. "Lieutenant? You okay?"

Gaeta descended the ladder to stand next to him. Zak could see that his hands were shaking, but he nodded steadily enough. "I'm okay."

Zak turned back to the marines. "Sitrep?"

The tallest of the three saluted. Zak recognised him now. Twinam, that was his name. "We've been boarded, sir. Don't know how many, where they are, or where they're headed."

"Our standard ammo doesn't make a dent," said another marine – Bonnington, Zak remembered.

"I noticed," he said wryly, looking down at his empty gun.

"Explosive rounds are the only way to take them down."

"How many rounds you got left?" Zak asked.

Something flickered in Twinam's carefully composed face. "That was our last one."

Frak. Zak took a deep breath, refusing to let himself panic. He was the senior officer here, and it was up to him to take charge.

"Then we'd better go shopping. There's an arms locker a few corridors away from here." He started calculating the route in his head. "Twinam, you take point."

"Yes sir."

They set off down the corridor. Zak was thinking furiously. Ammo first, but then what? What targets would the Cylons head for? What most needed defending?

His thoughts juddered to a halt. There was something – or rather _someone_ - on this deck that they were all sworn to defend. And he wasn't going to leave her unprotected, under arrest or not.

Ammo first, then they were heading to the brig.

----

Helo and Kara flung themselves flat and crawled out of the cab, joining Apollo in the meagre shelter behind the truck. Kara pulled a couple of rifles out of the truck with her, and passed one to Helo.

He raised his eyebrows. "Drive through a lot of bad neighbourhoods?"

Kara's reply was lost in another hail of shots. She kept the other rifle for herself and passed her sidearm to Apollo.

"Frak! We're sitting ducks down here. We need to find a better position."

Helo pointed towards a clump of trees over to their left. "You go, I'll cover."

Kara pulled a face. "Why me?"

Helo couldn't help grinning. "Don't start."

"Fine." She looked over at Apollo. "Apollo, we're heading for that clump of trees over there. Get ready to run on my mark."

Apollo nodded. His face was pale, and Helo remembered abruptly that from what Kara had said he was a new recruit. This was probably his first firefight on the ground, and he hadn't even been through basic training.

"Okay, let's go." Kara headed off, Apollo following behind her, and Helo did his best to cover them both. They all reached the shelter of the trees and hunkered down, gasping for breath. Helo shot a quick glance at Apollo, but the other man seemed to be holding himself together. No obvious signs of panic. No arguing either; he obviously knew when to listen to people with more experience.

"Five of them, split up between nine and one." Helo reported what he'd seen. "Fifty metres."

Kara nodded. "Didn't see any shiny silver out there. Must be the human variety of cylon."

Helo nodded, as more bullets thudded into the ground a few paces away from him. "We need to get out of here. Can you see a better cover position?"

"Yeah. Let's go."

----

The arms locker only produced six explosive rounds.

"That's it?"

Bonnington nodded grimly. "Another fire team must have already been here, sir."

Zak nodded, and pushed the disappointment to one side. If that was it, that was it. "Okay, there's five of us, so we'll each take one round and I'll take the reload."

He thought that Gaeta looked surprised at being included, but he took the round without comment. Zak watched him awkwardly load the gun, and wondered if he'd ever fired one since basic training. But in situations like this every hand was needed, skilled or not.

The walk to the brig was nerve-racking. The sounds of gunfire and screaming echoed through the ship, and Zak's heart jumped into his mouth every time they turned a corner. But luck was smiling on them, and they made it to the brig without encountering any Centurions.

Zak knocked on the hatch. "Corporal Venner, don't shoot! It's Captain Adama. I have a fire team with me."

The hatch inched open and Venner's anxious face appeared. "Come on in, Captain."

Zak ordered Twinam and Collishaw to watch the corridor and entered the brig. The President and her aide Billy Keikaya turned to him with looks of relief.

"What's going on?" asked Roslin. Zak was impressed at how calm her voice was.

"We've been boarded. This deck is crawling with Cylons."

"How can we help?" said Roslin simply, and Zak's admiration for her rose further.

"By staying alive," he said, and smiled slightly. "Head for life station – it's well away from any potential targets, and it's designed to function as a disaster shelter in case the ship is lost." He turned to Venner. "Corporal, you're in charge of getting the President there safely. Bonnington, you're escort." Both marines nodded.

"What about you?" Roslin asked.

"We're going to the magazines. It's probably where the Cylons are heading." He looked round at all of them, making sure everyone understood their instructions. "Let's move out."

"Captain-" Roslin put a hand on his sleeve and he looked down at her in surprise. "May the lords protect you."

"Thank you." For some reason, the touch of her hand and the look in her eyes made him feel steadier. "You too, Madam President."

----

They dodged the Cylons for longer than Helo had expected. Apollo managed to keep up with them, despite his broken ribs, and Helo's opinion of the man shot up. They followed Kara's lead, and she kept them on the attack, finding cover in places Helo hadn't spotted any. But eventually they ran out of places to hide, and it ended in stalemate and an armed stand-off.

Helo looked round at the faces of their opponents and stiffened. He didn't recognise any of them; none were Cylon models he'd seen before. And the human looking Cylons he'd seen were always clean and neatly-dressed, where these people were dirty and ragged. Could they be human survivors?

Sudden hope rose in his heart, but he was afraid to trust it. He'd been on Caprica for what seemed like months, and never encountered any other humans before.

Still, he decided to risk it. "Let's talk a minute, guys. We're not Cylons."

He noticed that their attackers all glanced towards a tall dark-haired man. Must be the leader. He caught Kara's eyes briefly and knew she had noticed as well.

"Right, you're human," the man said sarcastically. "You have a soul. Swim in the stream. We've heard it all before."

"We're Colonial fleet," shot back Kara. "Notice the uniforms?"

The man's gun didn't waver, but Helo thought he saw a flicker of doubt in his eyes. "We've seen Cylons in uniform before."

"And what about you?" Apollo chimed in. "How do we know you're not Cylons?"

"We're human," said the man tightly.

Kara laughed harshly. "Yeah, right. Everyone on Caprica is dead."

"Not us."

"Very convenient." Kara's eyes were hard. "I want to hear some names."

"I'm Anders," said the man shortly. "Samuel T. Anders."

Helo stared at him. "Samuel T. Anders? Then these must be…" He looked round at Anders' companions, recognition dawning. "Jo-man, Rally, Ten-point. Sue-Shaun, Crip-Key, Morris Fink… Kara, these are the Caprica Buccaneers." He couldn't believe it. The very idea seemed surreal.

Kara seemed to agree. "Right, Helo. How the hell would a pyramid team survive a nuclear holocaust?"

"We were up in the mountains when the Cylons attacked," said Anders. "High altitude training. We've been on the run ever since."

"Doing what?" Apollo asked.

"Raiding military stores for ammo and anti-radiation meds. And plugging toasters whenever they show up."

"Same as us," said Helo. He looked round in what he hoped was a pacifying manner. "Looks like we're all human here. How about we put our guns down?"

"Not yet," said Kara tightly. Her eyes were fixed on Anders. "Answer me a question first. How many foul breaks did you have in the playoff against Aerilon?"

Anders stared at her in disbelief. "You're kidding, right?"

It was Apollo who answered him, his face still tight with suspicion. "You either have an answer, or you can have a bullet."

Anders sighed. "Fine. It was three."

Apollo glanced at Kara, who shook her head. "Wrong. Four."

"Three," Anders insisted urgently. "The last one was called back on instant replay."

A memory surfaced in Helo's mind. "Kara, he's right, it was. I remember now – I lost twenty cubits on that game."

Kara looked at him for a long moment, and then nodded. Her gaze passed to Apollo, who nodded back.

"All right," she said, looking back at Anders. "Fine. We're all human. On three."

She and Anders counted it down together, and the guns dropped. Helo breathed a sigh of relief.

----

They passed another arms locker on the way to the magazines. The marines and Gaeta searched for more explosive rounds while Zak got to work on the locker's phone.

A few minutes of tinkering, and the phone was working. Zak grinned. Looked like all those childhood years of pulling machines to pieces and putting them back together were finally paying off.

"Combat, Captain Adama. 12-8-6-4-2. Arms locker."

A moment, and then Tigh's voice came over the line. "Captain, XO. Sitrep."

"Four armed soldiers. We haven't seen anything but bodies between here and life station."

"Any marines with you?"

"Twinam and Collishaw."

"Take your men and proceed without delay to aft damage control."

Zak was startled. "Aft damage control?"

"That's what they're after. You need to get there before the Cylons or we lose the ship. Clear?"

"Yes, sir. Heading for aft damage control."

He passed on the orders to the others. "Any more explosive rounds?"

"No, sir. We'll have to manage with what we've got."

----

Lee wasn't sure what he had expected the resistance camp to be like, but he sure as hell hadn't expected it to be a high school. It was weird to watch people carrying guns and boxes of ammunition into classrooms with books still stacked on shelves and lesson plans still written on whiteboards.

He felt his hands shake a little and shoved them into his pockets to cover it. Reaction to the events of the morning, no doubt. He'd felt sick with nerves throughout the whole affair, but fortunately adrenalin had kicked in and he hadn't frozen up. He wasn't sure how much help he'd been to Kara and Helo, but at least he hadn't been a hindrance.

Finding these resistance fighters was a piece of good fortune though. Listening to Kara's conversation with Anders as he followed them through the halls, he heard the pyramid player say he had about fifty people here.

With that many people, they might actually have a chance at stealing a heavy raider and getting off this planet. Maybe their luck was finally turning.

----

They made it to aft damage control without encountering any Cylons.

Zak started getting them into position. He suspected they didn't have much time. "Twinam, Gaeta, you take the left side. Collishaw, you're with me. We're going to need some cover – these crates will do."

They hurriedly shifted the crates to form what cover they could. It wasn't much, and Zak could see from the marines' grim faces that they knew it, but it would have to do.

"Okay everybody, get down. Don't fire until I give the signal. Remember you only have one round, and it's got to be a headshot to make a kill. Understood?" He looked at Gaeta as he finished, and the lieutenant nodded jerkily.

"Understood, sir." He tried to smile at Zak. "I'm not really cut out for this."

Zak smiled back. "Me neither. It'll be okay. Just concentrate on getting that headshot. Don't think about anything else."

Gaeta nodded.

Silence fell. Zak checked his gun, shifted to get the best view he could of the turn in the corridor. He forced himself to steady his breathing. _Just pretend you're in the firing range. Focus on the target, keep your mind clear…_

Then he heard it, the unmistakable clank of metal.

"Okay, they're coming. Wait for it. On my mark."

The seconds seemed to stretch like hours as the noise of the centurions got louder and louder. Zak clung desperately to his calm, kept his eyes fixed ahead.

Red lights flashed in the dark. Three of them. Frak.

His finger itched on the trigger, but he forced it to stillness. He needed to let the centurions get as close as possible, give them the best chance at a headshot…

"Fire!"

Chaos exploded around him, but Zak barely noticed. His whole mind was focused on his shot.

The first was dead on target, but he had no time to celebrate as he scrambled to reload. Another Centurion went down to his right.

The third was still coming, inexorably, almost on top of them. No time to take aim, to consider…Zak pulled the trigger purely on instinct.

A bright flare nearly blinded him as the last Centurion went down.

He starred in disbelief for a moment, gasping for breath, unable to believe it was all over, that the centurions were down and he was still here. It had all happened so fast…

But they had done it. They had defended aft damage control and saved the ship. _He'd_ done it. Not his father, not his brother. Him.

He took a firm grip on himself and turned. "Everyone okay?"

"I'm here, sir," said Twinam. "But Collishaw…" his voice trailed off.

Zak barely heard him. He'd just spotted Gaeta, lying sprawled on the deck.

"Gaeta?" He dropped to his knees beside his friend. "Are you okay?"

Gaeta stared up at him, eyes blurry. "Hurts…"

"Where?" Zak switched on the torch, scanning Gaeta's body. Halted abruptly when he saw a spreading dark stain on the other man's chest.

"Felix." He pressed his hands down on the wound, trying to stem the bleeding. "It's all right, Felix. We'll get the medics. You'll be okay…"

"Hurts," said Gaeta again. He turned his head and coughed, and Zak stared in horror as blood trickled out of his mouth, bright red even in the flickering torchlight. "It's so dark…"

He coughed again, and more blood sputtered out of his mouth. Then his head rolled back, and his eyes closed.

"Felix!" Zak's voice was raw and desperate. "Felix, look at me!"

Twinam was suddenly there beside him, touching Gaeta with sure hands as he felt for a pulse. Then his hands stilled, and he looked up at Zak, eyes dark.

"I'm sorry, sir. He's gone."

Gone? Zak stared at him stupidly. Felix couldn't be gone, not in an instant like that, he was just talking to him…

"I'm sorry," Twinam said again, and Zak nodded. But his hands still pressed down on his friend's wound, unheeding, even though it was useless. He couldn't seem to stop them.

Felix's blood was still warm under his palms.


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter Twenty**

Zak had barely got off the raptor from Kobol before Dee pounced on him.

"I need to talk to you."

Zak blinked in surprise. There was a grim set to her face that he'd never seen before. "What about?"

Dee cast a quick glance round the hangar bay. "We can't talk here. Too crowded. Come on."

She led him out of the hangar bay and through the corridors until they reached an empty storeroom.

Zak shut the hatch behind them and turned to face her in complete confusion. "Dee, what's going on?"

Dee folded her arms. "Tigh just dissolved the Quorum of Twelve and declared martial law."

"What?" Zak's mouth dropped open.

"You heard," said Dee flatly. "The Quorum were insisting the President be released, and this was his response."

"But…" Zak struggled to process it. "To declare martial law…" It really was a military coup now. All the doubts he'd felt when they were boarding Colonial One came flooding back.

"We have to do something," Dee said.

Zak looked up at her in surprise. "What do you mean?"

"I mean we can't let this happen. Let the government be overthrown like this. It's not right." Her face was set with determination. This was a side of Dee he'd never seen before. "Your father wouldn't approve. I know he was angry with the President, but he wouldn't have gone so far as to dissolve the Quorum."

Zak agreed with her. His father had been angry, but he wouldn't have gone this far. At least Zak hoped he wouldn't.

"It doesn't matter what my father would have done," he said. "Cottle's stabilized him, but he's still unconscious. He's not sure how long it'll be before Dad wakes up."

"Zak, I'm sorry." Dee reached out and squeezed his hand sympathetically. "I'm sure he'll be fine. He's too tough to give up easily."

Zak smiled gratefully, and pulled his thoughts back to the conversation. "Until he wakes up, Tigh's in charge of the fleet."

"Well, he shouldn't be," Dee said harshly. "You know he's drinking again."

Zak sighed. Of course Tigh was. It was how he dealt with stress. "How bad?"

"Bad. He's been drunk on duty. When I told him the Quorum were demanding to see the President, he told me to tell them they could shove their demands up their asses."

Zak winced. "Look Dee, I know Tigh has his problems. But he's the XO. He's in charge, and we are sworn to obey his orders."

"He's in charge at the moment." Dee looked at Zak speculatively, and he stiffened. "What?"

"Well, you are the next highest-ranking officer. And the Old Man's son. People will listen to you…"

Zak stared at her in horror as he realised what she was suggesting. "Petty Officer Dualla!" He used his sternest tone. "I won't hear any more of that kind of talk. Do you understand me?"

Dee was silent. She looked disappointed.

"I said, do you understand me?"

"Yes, sir."

"Colonel Tigh is in command, and it's not up to us to second guess his decisions. Now get back to your duties."

"Yes, sir." Dee saluted and left, with a defiant set to her mouth that made Zak think he'd better keep an eye on her.

He sat down on a box and buried his face in his hands. Martial law. He couldn't believe Tigh had done it. Ever since Kara left for Caprica, it had been one disaster after another, his whole world falling apart around him. Felix dead, his father nearly so, Kara and Lee gone, the President in prison, Dee all but asking him to commit mutiny…he didn't know what to do about any of it.

Gods, he hoped his father woke up soon.

----

Things didn't improve. There were demonstrations and protests all over the fleet against martial law. When ships started refusing to supply Galactica with fuel until the President was reinstated, Zak could feel Dee staring at him meaningfully across CIC as he reported to Tigh. He tried to ignore it.

"Damned civilians," Tigh muttered.

"They just don't understand what's going on," said Zak quietly. "Maybe if you had a meeting with all the ships' captains – explain why you had to declare martial law." Though Zak wasn't quite sure he understood that himself. "It would calm things down."

Tigh stared at him for a moment and Zak shifted uncomfortably. He knew it wasn't his place to be offering advice, but he couldn't just stand by and do nothing.

"I'll think about it," said Tigh finally, and Zak felt hopeful.

That hope lasted until a few hours later, when he took a call from Tigh's quarters.

"Captain Adama, I want you to send the following to all ships' captains. Message begins: resupply operations of this ship are not - repeat, not - optional. All ships to recommence scheduled supply runs immediately. Failure to comply will result in stern measures. Message ends. You got that?"

"Yes, sir." Zak could tell from Tigh's slurred voice that he was drunk. He almost slammed down the receiver with frustration. Couldn't the Colonel see that this would only make matters worse?

He could still feel Dee watching him.

----

He went down to life station to check on his father, but there was no change.

"When's he going to wake up?"

Cottle glared at him. "The answer to that is the same one I gave you yesterday – I don't know. When he's ready. Stop wasting my time."

He stumped off. Zak stared down at his father, willing him to wake up. If he didn't stir soon, there might not be a fleet left for him to wake up to. Zak didn't like the way things were going, but he didn't know what to do about it. He needed advice, and his father or Lee or Kara had always been there to provide it before.

Not now. He was on his own.

----

Tigh's ultimatum had exactly the effect Zak had feared.

"Colonel, seven other container ships are now refusing to release their supplies. Food, medicine, even coffee."

"Coffee? This is getting ridiculous." Tigh snapped. He stared down at the console for a moment, then looked up at Zak angrily. "Frak this. It's time to get their attention. I'm sending in the marines."

"Sir-"

"I want a raptor and an armed marine boarding party for every ship refusing the resupply order."

Zak stared at him incredulously. "With all due respect, sir, that will only make things worse. Using force against civilians…it could get ugly."

Tigh glared at him. "Are you questioning my orders, Captain?"

Zak took a deep breath. "I'm just asking you to reconsider them."

Tigh took a step forward, his eyes boring into Zak's face. "Let's get one thing clear, Captain. I'm in command here, and that means my word is law." Zak could smell the alcohol on Tigh's breath. "When I give you an order, you obey it. Period. Do you understand that?"

"Yes, sir." Zak could hardly say anything else, with everyone in CIC staring at them, but it was a struggle to force the words out.

"Good." Tigh glared at him for a moment longer before stepping back. "Then get those boarding parties organised."

Zak made a last ditch effort to stop him. "Sir, we're stretched pretty thin o­n manpower. I'm not sure we have enough marine non-coms to command that many boarding parties."

"Well, pull pilots and deck officers to command the boarding parties if you have to," Tigh snapped. "Tell them to get over there and bring back the supplies. Whatever it takes. Make it happen, Captain, and stop making excuses."

A hot retort sprang to Zak's lips, but he swallowed it down. It wouldn't do any good, any more than pointing out that using pilots as marines was just asking for trouble.

He'd had enough of trying to reason with Tigh.

----

Four civilians ended up dead on the Gideon.

Zak sat in the observation lounge for an hour after he heard the news, staring blindly out at the fleet.

He had to do something. He couldn't sit by any longer. Couldn't wait for his father to wake up and put everything right. It was up to him to take on the responsibility.

But he wasn't going to remove Tigh from command. The Colonel wouldn't go without a fight, and it would only cause more chaos. Besides, he couldn't bring himself to break his oaths quite that blatantly.

But there was something else he could do, and square it with his conscience. Because it would simply be reversing an action that should never have been committed in the first place.

----

Fortunately Corporal Venner was on duty in the brig. He remembered Zak from the Centurions' attack, and just nodded when Zak dismissed him.

Zak turned to Laura Roslin, who was watching him curiously through the bars. "To what do I owe this honour, Captain?"

"Have you heard about the Gideon?" said Zak bluntly.

Roslin's eyes narrowed. "Yes, I have. Troops shooting unarmed civilians...it's a travesty. He has truly stepped over the line. It'll cause an explosion in the fleet."

"I know," said Zak grimly.

"The ships could begin to splinter, break away. Let the Cylons eliminate us a few ships at a time."

Zak was surprised to hear her echoing his own thoughts. His resolve hardened.

"I'm afraid you're right, Madam President." He used the title pointedly. "And I can't sit by and let that happen."

Silence. Roslin watched him speculatively for a moment. "So what do you propose to do about it?"

Zak took a deep breath. This was it. No turning back. "Madam President, if – if you were freed from this cell, returned to the fleet, what would you do?"

"Ah." Roslin smiled. "Theoretically?"

Zak met her eyes in perfect understanding. "Theoretically."

"I would appeal to the people. Ask everyone who recognises me as President – or as the prophesied leader of humanity…" She looked at Zak sharply. "You've heard about that?"

"Yes."

"I would ask them to return with me to Kobol. To wait for the Arrow of Apollo and use it to open the tomb of Athena and find our way to Earth."

It wasn't what Zak had expected. "You believe in all that?"

Roslin met his eyes steadily. "I do. As Captain Thrace does." Zak turned away. "I didn't force her to leave, Captain."

Zak stared at the wall. He knew she was right. No-one ever forced Kara to do anything she didn't want to.

He'd carefully not been thinking about Kara and Lee, the last few days, about what might have happened to them. About the fact that if they did come back from Caprica, by some miracle, there would be no-one at Kobol to meet them. That they would be stranded there with no way to find the fleet.

He knew that Tigh – and maybe even his father – would say that was no more than they deserved. But Zak couldn't give up on them both that easily.

"So you'd go to Kobol. That would still split the fleet."

"Maybe. But two large groups would have a much better chance of survival than many small ones."

Zak nodded. He continued to stare at the wall. Was this the right thing to do? He knew that Lee would say yes, and his father say no. But neither of them were here. He had to make this decision on his own.

All he could do was what he felt to be right. And he knew now what that was.

He turned back to face Roslin. She was watching him with sympathy. "I know this isn't easy, Captain."

"No." Zak took a deep breath. "I can get you out of here, Madam President."

Roslin closed her eyes for a moment, and he realised suddenly how desperate she had been. "Thank you, Captain. Are you sure it can be done?"

"Yes." He'd have Dee's help, and he knew several others who were equally disgruntled with Tigh. "I can get a raptor, and clearance off the ship." He looked towards the hatch. "Will Venner help? He seems sympathetic."

Roslin nodded. "He is. We can rely on him. But what about afterwards? We're going to need somewhere to hide until I can get in touch with the Quorum and make my statement."

Zak smiled. "I think I know someone who might be willing to help us."

----

Well, he hoped he did. There was only one person he could think of who could hide them, and who Tigh might not immediately connect to them. The only trouble was that he didn't know her well enough to predict whether or not she'd be willing to do it.

Her initial reaction was not promising.

"Are you out of your frakking mind?" Emma's voice was loud enough to carry even in the noisy bar on Cloud Nine.

Zak looked nervously round and kept his voice low. "Actually, I think I finally know my own mind for the first time in my life."

Emma rolled her eyes. "Please don't tell me you decided this was a great way to rebel against your father."

"This has nothing to do with Dad," said Zak firmly. He smiled slightly. "I leave all that rebellion stuff to Lee." He paused, trying to think how to convince her. "Emma, Colonel Tigh can't be left in sole charge of the fleet. He's drinking, making bad decisions – you must have heard about the Gideon."

"I heard," said Emma grimly. She bit her lip. "Zak, I'm as opposed to martial law as you are – but I have my crew and passengers to think about. I don't want to get caught in the middle of a shoot-out."

"You won't."

"Can you promise that?"

Her eyes demanded the truth, and Zak gave it. "No. I suppose I can't. But I don't think it'll happen. Tigh doesn't realise I even know you. He'll check all the obvious ships first – here, the Rising Star – and by the time he works his way round to you, the President will have issued her appeal and we'll have gone to Kobol."

"Kobol?"

"To find the Tomb of Athena." Zak watched her carefully. "The President is the dying leader prophesied in the Chronicles of Pythia."

Emma stared at him with suddenly cold eyes. "Oh, I see."

"What?"

"You're playing the religious card to convince me. Just because I'm from Geminon you think I must be a fanatical believer in the prophecies."

Zak could tell he'd made a mistake. "I don't think that."

"Yes, you do." Emma stared down at her drink. "So Lee's gone off to Caprica for this arrow?"

"Yes. I'm not sure why. _He_ certainly doesn't believe in the prophecies." Zak tried not to let the hurt show in his voice, but Emma's eyes softened.

"Knowing him, he probably just wanted a change of scenery. He always gets restless when he's too long in one place," she said wryly. "Though going to Caprica seems an extreme solution." She paused. "So if he makes it back, he'll turn up at Kobol?"

"Yes."

Emma turned to Zak and smiled. "Well, we'd better make sure we're there to meet him then, hadn't we? And if we can strike a blow for democracy at the same time, so much the better."

Zak closed his eyes with relief. "Thank you."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Author's note: **Apologies to all the Gaeta fans for the last chapter - but at least he died heroically! And sorry for the lack of Lee and Kara in this chapter, I promise we will be back on Caprica in the next chapter, which I'll post at the weekend.


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter Twenty-One**

Kara looked around the courtyard and laughed.

"What's so funny?" She turned to see Samuel Anders step out of the high school building behind her.

"Nothing," she said, smirking. "It's just nice to know installing a regulation pyramid court was o­ne of the priorities of the resistance."

Anders grinned back at her. "Well, there are just some things one cannot live without."

Kara chuckled. She had taken a liking to Anders. The guy had a sense of humour and gave as good as he got. He was tough too, for a civilian; the fact that he had held out against the toasters this long showed that.

She looked back at the pyramid court. She couldn't remember the last time she'd even seen one, much less played on one. Temptation flared and she turned to Anders, eyes bright with challenge. "Want a game?"

Anders blinked at her. "Are you kidding me? I'll wipe the court with you."

_Oh, really, Mr Caprican Buccaneer?_ Kara grinned broadly, adrenalin surging through her at the prospect of a challenge. "We'll see about that. I was scouted for the pros. Bum knee took me out of contention."

Anders looked at her with amusement. "I see. Is that going to be your excuse when I kick your ass? 'My poor knee hurts.'"

"At least I have an excuse. I can't imagine what yours is going to be." She couldn't wait to wipe that condescending smile off his face.

"You're on." Anders retrieved a ball from behind one of the goalposts and they took up a starting position in the centre of the court. "Ready?"

She nodded.

It might have been a long time since she'd played pyramid, but her body hadn't forgotten, falling back into the moves instinctively. She scored the first few points, and then glared at Anders reproachfully. "Hey. Stop holding back."

"What makes you think-" Kara just continued to glare at him, and he grinned. "All right."

They started again, and Kara was pleased to see he was doing as she asked. She had to fight hard to score a point now, and she preferred it that way. There was no savour to victory if it was too easy.

She was determined to win, but after a while she realised Anders had something else on his mind. The first few times his body brushed up against hers in a certain area she thought it was accidental, but after a while she realised it definitely wasn't. Nor was the way his eyes fixed on her face, or the way his hands lingered just a little too long when they tussled for the ball.

She supposed she should act all coy and pretend she hadn't noticed, but that wasn't how she worked. The next time he brushed up against her, she put a hand on his shoulder and held him there.

She stared into his eyes, now only inches away from her own. "Are you trying to flirt with me, Samuel T. Anders?"

Her bluntness didn't faze him in the slightest, and the corners of his eyes crinkled in amusement. "Maybe. Does it bother you?"

"It doesn't bother me." She grinned at him lazily. "Just doesn't interest me. Afraid I'm already taken." Well, as long as Zak wanted her back after all this.

"Oh." She was pleased to see Anders looked slightly disappointed. "Must admit I wondered, but I hadn't seen any obvious signs, so I thought-" He shrugged philosophically, and grinned at her. "Can't blame a guy for trying."

"Certainly not," said Kara absently, slightly puzzled by his remarks. How could he have seen anything when Zak was on Galactica?

"So, no hard feelings?" Anders asked, and she dismissed it.

"Course not." They smiled at each other. "Now, let's finish this game."

----

"Well, that's got her settled in," said Emma as she closed the cabin door. "I still can't believe I've got the President of the Colonies staying on my ship."

"I'm sure you'll soon get used to it," said Zak absently. The accumulated tension of the day was starting to get to him, and he felt immensely tired.

At least they had got to the Caprican Star safely. There had been a few minutes there when he'd thought Tigh was really going to shoot their raptor down. But here they were, and now Roslin was busy recording her appeal to the fleet. He'd have to start looking at the Caprican Star's comms system soon, figure out how he could use them to transmit the message across the fleet while hiding where the signal was coming from.

Although maybe he didn't need to worry. There were only two people on Galactica who were capable of tracking the signal, and Dee was on their side, and Felix was dead.

"Zak? Are you okay?"

He realised Emma was watching him with concern, and dredged up a smile. "I'm fine. Just tired."

"You could have a nap in my cabin if you like."

"No, thanks." He wasn't tired enough yet to sleep. If he went to bed before he was completely exhausted, these last few days, he saw Felix dying in front of him every time he closed his eyes.

"How about some food, then?"

"Sounds good." He followed Emma into the galley, and watched as she heated up some soup. "I don't need looking after, you know."

"Don't you?" Her grey eyes were uncomfortably penetrating. "Sit down, Zak. You look like you're about to fall over."

Zak found himself doing as he was told. "Are you this bossy with Lee?"

"Worse. I don't think you're quite as pig-headed as he is." Emma put the bowl of soup down in front of him, and noted his smile approvingly. "That's better. Now, are you going to tell me what's wrong?"

Zak ate a spoonful of soup, considering whether to answer. He didn't know Emma very well, but it would be a relief to talk to somebody. And he knew Lee trusted her. That was good enough for him.

"I was just thinking about my dad."

"Oh." Emma started on her own bowl of soup. "I'm sure your dad will be okay, Zak. Didn't you say the doctor said he'd be fine? And from what I've heard about him he's too tough to let a few bullets keep him down."

Zak couldn't help smiling at that description of his father. "True enough. No, it's just – I keep wondering how he'll feel when he wakes up and I'm not there. When he finds out I've left him as well as Lee."

"Zak." Emma's face was warm with sympathy. "I'm sure he'll understand. When he hears about the Gideon, he'll realise you had to do something-"

"Will he?" Zak stared down at his soup. "I'm not so sure. He gave the order for the President's arrest. By freeing her, I'm saying that I thought what he did was wrong. Practically kicking him in the teeth."

"Well, arresting the President _was_ wrong," said Emma calmly.

Zak looked at her in surprise. "But – she interfered with military affairs-"

"And you think the correct response to that was to arrest her?" Emma watched Zak's face closely, and then smiled. "I thought not."

"No, I didn't, but – but it's not my place to question it." He looked up as Emma laughed. "What?"

"Are you sure you're Lee's brother?" She laughed again, so infectiously that Zak found himself smiling back. "I don't think there's ever been anything he _didn't _question. Bloody irritating it can be, too."

Zak laughed. "Isn't it?" He swallowed another mouthful of soup. "I suppose – I've always thought Dad knew best. I've never disobeyed him before."

"Well, everyone has a sticking point," said Emma calmly. "You can't rely on other people's judgement forever. Eventually you have to make your own decisions."

Zak sighed. "I know. I just wish I could be certain I made the right one. I know Lee would say so, but Dad won't."

Emma watched him curiously for a moment. "Forget them for a moment, Zak. What do _you_ think? Do _you_ feel you made the right decision? Don't think about it, just answer."

"Yes," said Zak, and stopped, surprised that the word had come out. "Yes, I do."

Emma smiled at him. "Then that's all that matters. If you're at peace with yourself, if your conscience tells you it was the right thing to do, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks."

Zak had to admit that made a lot of sense. It was just such a novel idea. He couldn't remember the last time he had made a decision without wondering what his father would think of it first.

"For what it's worth, _I_ think you did the right thing," said Emma, propping her spoon in her empty bowl, "and I think you should be proud of it."

Zak blinked. "Thanks."

----

Lee was furious. He'd woken that morning to discover that most of the resistance, including Kara and Helo, had left for a recon mission to the emergency airstrip. Without him.

He knew he had Kara to thank for that. Everyone else accepted his assurances that his ribs were much better and barely hurt at all, but she didn't.

Well okay, maybe they were still pretty painful. And maybe the way he had flinched when she had 'accidentally' bumped into him hadn't been the best way to convince her otherwise. But she had taken him off guard, damn her.

Anyway, that wasn't the point. The point was that his injuries were his business, and if he said they weren't a problem, she should accept that. Not sneak off on a mission behind his back because she thought he wasn't up to it.

Gods, she pissed him off sometimes.

He spent the day on the makeshift pyramid court, moodily knocking the ball into the goal over and over again and stubbornly ignoring the way his ribs were protesting. The exercise would do them good. Anyway, he was damned if he was going to spend the day resting.

It started to get dark, and they still hadn't returned. Lee was teetering on the edge of full-blown anxiety when he heard the sound of the trucks arriving. He flung the pyramid ball down and hurried to meet them.

He knew immediately something had gone wrong. The school courtyard was full of subdued faces, and he could see some wounded people being lifted out of the back of the trucks. They'd been attacked.

He looked around for Kara, his heart thudding. He should have been with her, damn it – he'd promised Zak he'd look after her.

But he couldn't see her. Couldn't see that mop of tumbled fair hair, or hear that unmistakable laugh. But he spotted Helo, his head towering over the rest of the crowd. Lee pushed towards him. "Helo!"

The other man turned, and the look on his face made Lee's mouth go dry. Something was definitely wrong.

"Helo, where's Kara?" He forced the words out.

Helo closed his eyes briefly. "We lost her, Apollo. We lost her."

----

Twenty four ships answered the President's call and followed them to Kobol. Almost a third of the fleet. More than Zak had hoped for.

The trouble was that once they reached Kobol, there was nothing to do but wait. Wait and hope that Kara and Lee would appear with the arrow.

Zak found the inactivity hard to bear. Staying in his cabin gave him too much time to worry about his father, and Kara, and Lee. He spent some time in attendance on the President – who was still treating him as her military advisor – but she was busy dealing with the demands of the Quorum, and frankly that was a quagmire that Zak preferred to stay as far away from as possible. He wasn't cut out for all this political manoeuvring.

So he went to see Emma and asked if he could make himself useful on the ship. It turned out that the ship computer and comms system hadn't been given an overhaul in years, so Zak seized on the job with relief. There was nothing he liked better than a good repair job. He found the work soothing.

It meant he spent a lot of time in the cockpit talking to Emma, and he found that soothing as well. She was easy to talk to, and had a lot of amusing stories to tell about life on freighters. Zak liked hearing the stories about Lee in particular. Lee was never one for talking about himself, and he'd said very little about his life in the past ten years. Emma seemed happy to fill in the gaps for him, and Zak felt like he was finally getting to know his brother again.

A lot of the stories seemed to involve Emma getting Lee out of trouble. She laughed when Zak commented on this.

"Well, the trouble with Lee is that he can't let things lie. He sees something he thinks is unfair or inefficient, and he goes ahead and fixes it. And things like tact never seem to bother him."

Zak grinned. He recognised that description of his brother. "Lee never could mind his own business. And upsetting other people never stopped him once he was determined to put something right."

"I know." Emma smiled. "I remember one ship we were on was seriously under-manned. Half the crew were dead on their feet until Lee got fed up and reorganised the shift system so that everyone was doing several short shifts rather than a few long ones."

"Makes sense," said Zak, rewiring a headset. "Everyone gets more breaks, so they're more alert. Bet the captain wasn't too happy with him for interfering, though."

"No." Emma chuckled at the memory. "You should have seen it. The captain was fuming about proper procedures and authority, and all Lee would say in reply was 'But my way works better'. That was all that mattered to him. I thought the captain was going to explode."

"Until you took a hand?"

"I sent Lee away and managed to calm the captain down. He still threw us off at the next port, but he paid us in full. And I heard later on the grapevine he kept Lee's shift system."

Zak laughed. "Of course he did. I'm sure it was super efficient if Lee designed it."

They worked in silence for a moment. The laughter died out of Emma's face and she frowned.

"I just hope he gets back from this latest escapade in one piece without me to keep an eye on him."

Zak looked at her sympathetically. "You're very fond of him, aren't you?"

"He's my best friend," said Emma simply.

"Oh." Zak knew he should probably stop there, but his curiosity got the better of him. "Just friends? Nothing more?"

Emma looked up in surprise, and then started grinning. "No, nothing more. I've got more sense than that."

Zak stiffened defensively. "What do you mean by that? What's wrong with him?"

Emma raised her eyebrows. "You mean besides the six foot defensive walls and the emotional issues with a capital I?"

"Oh." Zak's temper subsided. He had to admit she had a point there.

"Of course, now I know more about him, the issues make more sense. Your parents really did a number on him." She looked at Zak curiously. "Which makes me wonder why you _don't_ have issues with a capital I. Not that I can see, anyway."

Zak shifted uncomfortably and busied himself with the headset.

"I'm sorry," said Emma ruefully. "That was rude of me. I just – we've spent so much time together in the past week that it feels like we're friends, and we're not."

Zak looked up at that. "Yes, we are," he said. "At least, I hope we are."

Emma smiled at him. "Then we are. But I still shouldn't have intruded."

They returned to their work, but Zak found he was thinking about her question. She was quite right, of course. He'd been far less affected by their parents' short-comings than Lee had, but he'd never really considered why before.

"They changed a lot after Lee left," he said slowly. "My parents, I mean. I think it made them realise how bad things were, and they really tried to do better. Mum got sober, Dad made much more effort to come home and spend time with me. If I hadn't had those years with them – well, I probably would have more issues, as you put it."

"And of course Lee didn't have those years," said Emma quietly.

"No." Zak frowned. "But – but I don't think it was just that. Even before he left – I never had as many problems with our parents as he did. I always got on with them better. Well, he and Dad have always rubbed each other up the wrong way. They look at everything from completely different viewpoints, and they're both so stubborn they're always convinced their point of view is the only valid one." He smiled ruefully. "Too similar and too different at the same time, that's their problem."

"And your mother?"

"Oh. She and Lee didn't get on very well either," said Zak vaguely. He didn't really want to talk about that. Even thinking about it unsettled him. Their mother had always been – well, unfair in her treatment of Lee. She'd yell at Lee for spilling ice-cream on his shirt, but when Zak came in covered in mud she wouldn't even scold him - just sigh and tell him to have a bath. It was almost as if she had a grudge against Lee, though Zak had never been able to imagine what.

He decided to change the subject. "What about your family? Do you have any brothers or sisters?"

Emma grinned. "Just a few. I'm the youngest of six."

"Gods." Zak pulled a face. "And I thought being the youngest of two was bad."

"It had its compensations." Emma chuckled. "It was always the older ones who got blamed for leading me into trouble, or not looking after me properly. Almost made up for having to run to keep up with them all the time."

"I know exactly what you mean." Zak smiled at the memory of his younger self, tagging around after Lee. Looking back, he wondered how Lee had put up with him sometimes. "So where on Geminon did you grow up? I've never been there."

"Oh, I didn't grow up on Geminon. I grew up on one of these."

"A freighter?" Zak remembered their conversation at the Colonial Day dance. "That's right, you said your father ran a chain of them, didn't you? So you all travelled with him?"

Emma nodded. "My mother insisted on it. She had strong views about families staying together."

Zak felt a pang at the thought. What would it have been like, if they could all have travelled with his father when they had been growing up?

Maybe things would have been different. Maybe his mother wouldn't have become so bitter, have started drinking. Maybe Lee wouldn't have run away. Maybe both of them would be closer to their father.

He pushed the thoughts away. No point in speculating on that. It would never have happened. It wasn't how the military worked.

"Did you like it?" he asked curiously. "Growing up on a freighter?"

Emma turned to look at him and smiled. "I did, but then I didn't know any different. It wasn't till I went to university on Caprica that I began to think that maybe I had missed out. On friends, for one thing. The only other kids I had to play with were my family. And, well…just living on a planet. I remember the first few weeks living on Caprica I barely went indoors. I was too dazzled by the novelty of sunshine and fresh air." She leant back in her chair, smile dimming. "I suppose the experience has paid off now, though. Shipboard life is all we have; at least I'm used to it."

"Did any of your family-?"

Emma shook her head and turned back to her console.

"I'm sorry. I just thought, because they lived on freighters…"

"None of my father's ships had FTL drives." Emma's voice was hard. "Rebelling by refusing to work in the family firm saved my life. Ironic, isn't it?"

"Being my father's son saved my life," said Zak after a moment. "None of it makes any sense, Emma."

Their eyes met in understanding.

----

"What do you mean, you've lost her?" Lee had to fight to keep his voice steady.

"She – she-" Helo was having equal difficulty keeping his composure.

"We were attacked by the cylons as we were nearing the airstrip," said Anders, joining them. His face was full of sympathy. "We were out-numbered, forced to pull back. It was utter chaos, and it wasn't until we managed to re-group that we realised Starbuck wasn't with us."

Lee's mouth set hard. He should have been with her. He wouldn't have lost track of her. He'd promised Zak he'd look after her…

"Did you look for her?"

"Of course we did," snapped Helo. "We went back to the ambush site. Searched for hours, but we couldn't find her-"

"So you didn't find a body?" Lee clutched at that. It started to settle the dread churning inside him.

"No," Helo agreed. "But if she'd got away, she would have found us before we left."

"Then the Cylons must have her." Saying it made the dread start churning again, but Lee knew it was the only option. He could see that both Helo and Anders agreed with him.

"Must have." Anders sighed. "One of my people is missing too – Sue-Shaun. Again, no body."

"So…they're just taking women?" Lee really didn't like the sound of that.

"Looks like it," Anders said grimly. "We've lost a few women before, the same way."

"Any idea where they took them?"

"None at all. We didn't have the resources or time to look for them."

"Well, they must be somewhere." Lee straightened himself up, resolve hardening. "I'll need the locations of all the Cylon bases you know about."

Anders stared at him. "Apollo, I know you're upset, but didn't you just hear what I said? I don't have the resources to spend time looking for her. I'm sorry, but I have to think about the people I have left first. If we knew where she was, it might be different, but-"

"I understand that," said Lee calmly. "I'm not asking you for any more help than the locations. I'll check them on my own – unless you're willing to come with me, Helo?"

Helo looked torn. "I want to find her as much as you do, Apollo but…it's like looking for a needle in a haystack. How are the two of us going to manage to sneak into a cylon base to check for her, anyway?"

"We'll deal with that when it comes to it," said Lee stubbornly. He knew Helo's points were valid, but he couldn't just give up on Kara that easily. "I'm not leaving her behind, Helo."

"You might have to," said Helo bluntly.

"No, he won't."

The woman's voice startled them. They all swung round, weapons at the ready, to find Sharon standing by one of the trucks, regarding them calmly.

"I know where Starbuck is."


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter Twenty-Two**

The first thing Kara was aware of was pain, throbbing through the lower half of her body. She opened her eyes and realised she was lying in a hospital bed, hooked up to an IV.

_Great. Another dose of Cottle's bedside manner. Just what I need._

But…this didn't look like Galactica's sick bay, she realised after another minute. And then memory came flooding back.

Caprica. The recon mission to the airstrip. Standing by the truck, hearing gunfire, touching her stomach and looking down to see blood on her hands…

_So what happened? Where the hell am I?_

She needed to find out. She tried to sit up, only to stop abruptly as a bolt of pain lanced through her.

"Careful there. You don't want to undo all my hard work."

Kara looked up to see a man had entered the room, dressed in a white doctor's coat. "Who are you?"

He smiled reassuringly. "I'm Simon. It's okay, you're in an aid hospital. They brought you in yesterday morning, gunshot wound to the abdomen. Can you tell me your name?"

"Kara. Kara Thrace." Kara stared at him, trying to work out what was going on.

"Well, Kara, you're going to be fine." Simon walked over to check her drip. "I was worried at one point, but I managed to remove the bullet during surgery."

Kara barely heard him, fixed on something he had said earlier. "Who brought me in?"

"Tall guy, name of Agathon. Said he was a Colonial pilot."

Kara breathed a sigh of relief. "I want to see him."

Simon stopped checking her drip. He turned to look at her with an expression that made her heart freeze. "I'm sorry. He…he died on the table."

_No._ Kara closed her eyes. _No. I've only just got him back…_

"I thought he was only slightly wounded at first, but…it turned out a piece of shrapnel had nicked his aorta. Massive internal bleeding. There was nothing I could do. I'm sorry." He looked as if he might reach out to comfort her, and Kara instinctively shifted back against the wall.

She gritted her teeth, trying to get a grip on herself. She had to think…there was something about all this that didn't quite feel right.

"Where are the others?"

Simon raised his eyebrows. "Others?"

"The rest of the group I was with. Anders and the others."

"Oh, I'm afraid they've gone. They had to get back to their base."

"They all left?" Simon nodded. "And no-one has been here to look for me?"

"No-one. Don't worry, Kara." He smiled again, and it set Kara's teeth on edge. "Once you're recovered, we'll arrange to send you back to them."

"I can send myself."

Simon didn't seem to notice her rudeness. "Of course. But now you need to sleep."

He adjusted the drip, and Kara felt lassitude stealing over her. She fought it, focusing on one question.

_Where was Lee?_

She couldn't believe he'd leave her here alone. He'd have set off to find her as soon as he got the news she'd been brought here.

She couldn't shake the feeling that something wasn't right. And if she woke up and Lee still hadn't arrived, she'd know something was definitely wrong.

----

"Human-Cylon breeding programmes?"

Anders sounded as nauseated as Lee felt. He'd known the Cylons were ruthless, but this…it was worse than anything he had imagined.

"It's one of God's commandments," said Sharon. "Procreation, being fruitful. But we can't reproduce biologically, so we've been looking for other ways-"

"Other ways? Hooking human women up to machines to impregnate them?" Lee saw Helo shifting protectively towards Sharon at the venom in Anders' voice. He'd had enough difficulty convincing the resistance leader not to shoot her on sight, and Lee was fairly sure that the promise of information was the only thing stopping Anders from doing so now.

Well, to be fair, it was the only thing stopping him from shooting Sharon himself.

"Cylons can't reproduce, huh?" Lee asked. "So how come you're claiming you're pregnant then?" He ignored the furious glance Helo shot in his direction.

Sharon smiled calmly. "We're different."

"Oh really?"

"We love each other. It seems love is required for Cylons to reproduce."

_Dear gods, a romantic Cylon._ Lee closed his eyes briefly, not sure whether to laugh or cry at this whole bizarre situation.

Time to focus on the facts.

"So, you say they've taken Kara to this breeding facility-"

"We call them farms."

"How cosy," said Anders grimly. He looked over at Lee. "We've got to get them all out of there. Hell, destroy the whole place if we can. It shouldn't be allowed to exist."

Lee nodded, suddenly glad Anders was here. He seemed a capable man, and had way more experience than he did himself in planning this kind of operation.

"I couldn't agree more. We'd better get started." Just thinking about what might be happening to Kara in that place made him sick to his stomach.

----

Kara heard the door close behind Simon and opened her eyes, smiling to herself. She released her grip on the IV tube and pulled the needle out of her hand, wincing as she did so.

In the last two days, her initial suspicions had grown. This place was supposed to be a hospital, but she hadn't seen anyone else but Simon – neither patients nor staff – since she was brought here, and Simon's smooth explanations didn't quite ring true.

In fact, the doctor creeped her out generally. His remarks about her value as a childbearer had made her uncomfortable…and then his comments on her childhood…she screwed her eyes shut at the memory. To have that subject brutally dragged out in the open like that…she could hardly bear to think about it.

And then there was the fact that Lee still hadn't appeared. If this was really a resistance hospital, there was no way he wouldn't have come to find her by now.

_Unless he's dead,_ a voice whispered in her head, but she refused to listen to it.

Either way, she needed to get out of this room. Find out if her suspicions were true.

Getting out of the bed hurt more than she had expected; but then she had a fresh scar on her abdomen now. She'd found it when she woke up today – apparently Simon had needed to fix some internal bleeding.

She gritted her teeth against the pain and headed for the door, gradually finding her balance on unsteady legs.

The corridor outside was empty, but Kara could hear voices in the distance. She followed the sound, making very little noise on her bare feet.

The voices were coming from a small office. As she got closer, she recognised one of the voices as Simon's.

"Pending lab test results o­n the sample ovaries, complete removal will proceed tomorrow." Kara froze. _Sample ovaries?_ Her hand went instinctively to cover the fresh scar. _Oh gods, did he mean…?_

"If lab tests are positive, then the subject will be moved to the processing facility for final disposition," Simon continued. She liked the sound of that even less.

"Is that regret I hear in your voice, Simon?" The woman moved into view as she spoke, and every muscle in Kara's body went rigid with fear.

It was the Cylon from the museum.

Panic swept through her, swamping every other thought in her mind. She didn't remember returning to her room; the next thing she knew she was sitting back on her bed, her face buried in her hands.

_Lords of Kobol, please help me._

She'd never felt so alone. Injured and weak, against gods knew how many Cylons. No hope of rescue either. Even if Lee was looking for her – and Kara was sure that he was – how would he even know where to find her?

She wasn't going to get out of this one.

_So you're just going to give up?_

Shut up, Lee.

_I thought you were stronger than that._ She could almost see the scornful light in his blue eyes as he said it.

A small spark of defiance stirred within her. She just couldn't surrender that easily. She might have no chance against these Cylons, but she'd damn well fight to her last breath before admitting defeat.

If only she had a weapon to fight with…

And her eye fell on the mirror at the end of her bed.

----

Lee had expected opposition to his proposal that he sneak into the farm before dawn on his own, but Anders approved it.

"Fighting our way in is not going to be easy," he'd said, following their recon of the place. "If you can find Sue-Shaun and Starbuck, get them to the exit…it would make things a lot easier."

Helo had agreed too. Lee half expected him to want to come along, but then he realised that Helo was afraid to leave Sharon alone with the resistance people. Well, he was probably right to be worried. Lee had seen some of the looks sent Sharon's way.

So the last hours of darkness found him climbing over the wall of the old mental hospital and sneaking into the building. Years of sleeping in communal freighter cabins had forced him to perfect the art of moving quietly, as waking anyone up resulted in a clip round the ear at the least. He was grateful for that ability now.

It was a huge rambling warren of a building, and there seemed to be very few people about. Lee glimpsed only a few Cylons – the blonde woman from the museum and a black man he hadn't seen before – and he was easily able to avoid them by slipping into empty rooms.

There were a lot of empty rooms. The Cylons must only be using part of the building. As the sun came up, and he still hadn't found any trace of any human prisoners, Lee realised he had to risk bolder tactics. So the next time he saw the male Cylon, he followed him.

The Cylon led him right across the length of the building, through so many passages that Lee could barely keep track of where they were. Eventually he stopped and turned into one of the rooms. Lee kept well back, hiding in the shadow of a doorway.

After a moment the Cylon reappeared, holding what looked like a bag of IV fluid. Lee tensed. If someone needed medical treatment…well, that meant there must be humans here. The fear that had been growing during his search, that Sharon had misled them, began to lift.

He glanced at his watch. Not long now before Anders and his group would start the attack.

The Cylon continued down the corridor and entered another room, closing the door behind him.

Lee moved forward, getting as close as he dared. He could hear the murmur of voices through the closed door. Then he heard a shout, and a crash.

Lee tensed. Did that mean there was a prisoner in that room? If so, it sounded like they needed help. He cast caution to the winds and ran down the corridor, reaching the door just as it opened from the inside.

He found himself staring into a familiar pair of hazel eyes.

"Kara!" Relief crashed over Lee like a tidal wave.

"Lee?" Her voice was trembling. Then utter thankfulness spread over her face and her eyes shone. "I knew you'd come looking for me."

"Of course." Lee stared at her. She was dressed in a hospital gown, covered in blood, and looked scarily pale and shaky, but he didn't care. All that mattered was that she was alive, and he found himself pulling her into a hug.

She seemed surprised, but after a moment she hugged him back, and he could feel her whole body shuddering with relief. Lee closed his eyes tightly.

When he opened them again he saw the room behind her, and the dead Cylon sprawled across the floor, a shard of glass in his neck.

Lee found himself smiling. He should have known she could take care of herself.

"I came to rescue you actually," he said, releasing her and stepping back. "But it looks like you took care of that all by yourself."

Kara smiled at him. It was a pale shadow of her usual grin, but it was a start. "I did my best. Wouldn't say no to a bit of help, though."

She took a few steps down the corridor, and Lee saw a wince of pain cross her face. "What's wrong? How are you hurt?"

"I got shot…that's how I ended up here. Abdomen. The Cylons patched me up, but-"

"Here, put your arm round my shoulder." Kara did so without protesting, and that worried him, because it told him how much pain she was actually in.

Her side brushed against his ribs, and he caught his breath. Kara felt it and laughed harshly. "Gods, it's the crippled supporting the crippled." Their eyes met in amusement. "Let's get the hell out of here."

"Couldn't agree more." Lee headed down the corridor as fast as they could manage, supporting as much of her weight as he could. "But they took other women as well – Sue-Shaun, for one. I promised Anders I'd look for her."

"Aren't the others with you?"

"They're outside. I came ahead as recon, see if I could find you. They should be attacking any time now." Lee pushed open each door as they passed. Empty, empty, empty…

"Covering our exit, huh? Sounds good."

"Have you seen any other women here?"

"No. I think-" Kara paused, and Lee felt a shudder travel through her whole body. "I think they were all taken to something Simon – that Cylon - called the processing facility. I was held back because I was wounded."

"Processing facility? I don't like the sound of that." Lee shot a quick look at Kara. "Sharon said this place ran a breeding programme."

"I had a feeling it was something like that." Kara's voice was taut. "Sharon?"

"She's how we found you." Lee pushed open the next door…and broke off.

This room wasn't empty.

It was larger than any of the rooms he had yet seen, and it was filled with machines, beeping steadily, as if monitoring something. As they stepped into the room, Lee realised what they were monitoring.

There were women hooked up to the machines.

Kara realised it at the same moment. She gave a choked cry, and then she jerked out of Lee's hold and stumbled forward.

He followed, nausea choking him as he looked closer and saw the women trapped in a net of tubes, plugged into the machines as if they were just another inanimate part of the system.

Most of the women appeared to be unconscious. Lee supposed that was a small blessing.

Kara stopped abruptly by one of the women. "Sue-Shaun!"

Lee hurried over to her. It was indeed Sue-Shaun, and she was awake, her dark eyes staring up at them agonisedly from the nest of tubes.

"Sue-Shaun. Sue-Shaun, it's me, Kara." Kara started fumbling for the tubes, and Lee moved to help her. "Don't worry, we're going to get you out of here."

"No," the other woman choked, struggling to speak. "No time. You have to cut – cut the power."

Lee's hands stilled as he realised what she was asking. He followed her gaze over to what was obviously the power box for the machines. Then he looked back at Sue-Shaun, enmeshed in the tubes and wires. Cutting the power would…

Kara had realised it too. She was staring at Sue-Shaun in horror. "But…that'll kill you."

Sue-Shaun closed her eyes, gathering strength to speak. Then her eyes opened again. "Doesn't matter. Can't live like this." She looked from Kara to Lee, eyes fierce and compelling. "Baby machines…has to be stopped. Please."

Kara looked up at Lee, her face agonised. "Lee…"

He could see the struggle in her face, see that she knew what had to be done but was fighting against it. He sought for the words to help her.

"Kara, she's right. There's no time to free them safely…and most of them look too weak to be moved. All we can do is end their suffering."

"Yes." He looked down to see Sue-Shaun's gaze fixed on him. "Do it. Please." Their eyes met, and Lee nodded. The relief and gratitude on her face made his throat close up. At that moment, he wanted to kill every last Cylon he could find.

He turned and headed for the power box.

"No, Lee." Kara's voice stopped him. "I'll do it."

He turned to look at her. "Are you sure?"

She nodded. "I need to." Lee held her eyes for a moment, and their expression gave him an inkling of what she'd been through in the last few days.

"All right."

Kara bent down and kissed Sue-Shaun's forehead. Then she walked past him purposefully, and turned off the power.

----

They didn't say a word as they hurried out of the hospital by the nearest exit they could find. Kara was leaning more and more on Lee for support, and he cast an anxious glance at her as they left the building. Her face was pale, but set with determination, and it reassured him. She'd keep going until they were safely away from here.

The sunlight made him blink after the gloom of the hospital, but it was a relief to be outside again, away from the quiet brooding presence of the building.

They hurried down the broad steps, turned a corner…and walked straight into another Simon model.

He smiled. "Hello, Starbuck."

Lee didn't hesitate. He brought up his gun and shot the Cylon point blank in the head.

Even as Simon crumpled to the ground, more shots rang out. Lee pulled Kara down behind the edge of the staircase.

"Centurions," breathed Kara. "To the right. Your sidearm won't be much good against them."

She was right. Lee cursed, looking at the gateway to their left, so near and yet so far. Where the hell was Anders?

He had his answer a moment later as a volley of return fire came from their left and a familiar figure appeared in the gateway.

"Apollo! Starbuck! Come on!" Helo yelled.

"Guess we'll have to make a run for it," said Lee. He looked at Kara and tried to smile. "I hope you're a fast runner."

She gave him a shadow of her usual cocky grin. "Fastest in my class."

"Good." He gripped her hand firmly. "Then let's run."

They ran.

Later Lee would count it a minor miracle – assuming he believed in such things – that they both made it through that gateway in one piece. Despite the covering fire provided by the resistance, it was a close thing, until Sharon showed up in a heavy Raider. Even Centurions were no match for a Raider's guns.

----

Back at the high school, Kara told her story while Lee checked her wounds. The bullet wound seemed to be healing well, but…

"Kara, what's this other scar? It looks surgical." It was just above the bullet wound, in a position he found worrying.

"I don't know." She looked down at it, and then abruptly away. "I don't think I _want_ to know, now."

Lee sighed. In her place, he'd want to find out, know the worst, but he knew her well enough not to push it. Certainly not in front of an audience. He'd try to get her to see Cottle when they got back to Galactica. At least they had a way home now, in Boomer's heavy Raider.

"How many women do they have in these farms?" Anders said from across the room. He'd been silent, staring out of the window, ever since they'd told him what had happened to Sue-Shaun.

"I don't know exactly," said Sharon after a moment. "I don't have access to that data. But it must be hundreds. Maybe thousands."

"Then I'm going to find them," said Anders, jaw set hard. "And liberate them. However long it takes."

"And we'll help you," said Kara firmly.

Anders looked at her and smiled. "Thank you for the offer, but that's not why you came to Caprica." He nodded at the Arrow of Apollo lying on the table. "You need to go back to the fleet. Find Earth."

"He's right, Kara," said Lee gently. "You're needed back at the fleet."

Kara looked between them defiantly. Lee could tell she knew they were right, but wasn't about to admit it.

"Fine," she gritted out. "I'm going to get some sleep."

She stalked out, but Lee noticed she took the Arrow with her as she passed it. He knew what that meant, and relaxed.

He walked over to Anders. "I just wanted to say thanks. For all you've done. I couldn't have got Kara out of there without you." He held out his hand.

Anders shook it and smiled. "No problem. Couldn't have done anything else. I know how I'd feel if that was my girl in there."

_My girl?_ Lee blinked at the implication, but decided it would be too complicated to correct it. He supposed it was a natural mistake. He and Kara had got very close while on Caprica. A stranger might easily mistake the nature of that closeness.

"I also wanted to say that I won't forget about all of you here," he said. "When I get back I'll do my best to persuade my father to mount a rescue mission."

"Your father?"

"He's the commander of the fleet," Helo explained.

Anders chuckled. "So I've made friends in the right places, huh?"

Lee flushed slightly. "I can't promise anything. My influence with my father is…limited, to say the least. But I'll do my best. I promise that."

"Thanks." Anders smiled, but it didn't quite reach his eyes. Lee could tell he didn't really believe anyone would be back to rescue them, and vowed to himself that he would do whatever he could to make sure someone did. "It was good knowing you, Apollo."

----

Lee started awake abruptly.

It was still dark; moonlight was streaming through the gaps in the classroom blinds.

Then he heard a noise, and realised what had woken him. It sounded like a cry.

_Kara?_

He got up from his makeshift nest of blankets and headed into the next door classroom. Kara was huddled in her own pile of blankets, but she wasn't resting peacefully. She was twisting about in her sleep, crying out in distress.

The sound pierced Lee to the heart. He knelt down beside her. "Kara. Kara, it's okay. You're safe now."

She didn't hear him. He put his hand on her shoulder, meaning to shake her awake, but she recoiled violently at his touch.

"No! Leave me alone!"

"Kara!" He grasped both her shoulders firmly, resisting her attempts to shake him off. "Kara, wake up. You're safe now." He just managed to avoid a punch from one of her flailing arms. "It's me, it's Lee, you're all right."

He held on, kept up the reassurance until she stopped fighting him and her body settled beneath his hands.

Her eyes opened. "Lee?"

"Yes, it's me."

"What…what's happening?"

"You were having a nightmare," he said gently. "I heard you crying out."

"Oh." Her eyes dropped away from his in embarrassment. "I thought – I thought I was back in the farm. For a minute."

"I know," he said, feeling helpless.

"I…I didn't think I was going to get out of there," she said after a moment. "If you hadn't turned up-"

"You'd have got out of there on your own," he said firmly.

"You think so?"

"I'm sure of it." He smiled, trying to infuse her with some of the confidence he had in her. "Because you're Starbuck. You don't give up."

"I nearly did." Her voice shook a little.

"But you didn't," he said firmly. He reached out and tilted her chin, making her look up at him. "Don't let them beat you, Kara. Not now."

"What if they already did?" She stared at him, eyes haunted. "That second scar-"

"We'll find out what they did," he said, trying to sound reassuring. "And whatever it is, we'll deal with it."

"We?"

"Wingmen stick together, remember?" He smiled at her, and after a moment she smiled back faintly.

"I remember." Her hand reached out and gripped his.

They sat in silence for a moment, and Lee struggled with a surge of anxiety. He'd never seen her look so fragile before.

"You need to sleep," he said finally, and took his hand out of hers. "I'm right next door if you need me."

He started to stand up, but a hand on his knee stopped him. "Lee?"

"Yes?"

"Would you-" Kara paused, swallowing hard. "Would you stay?"

Surprise held Lee silent for a moment, and she flushed. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have…it's just-"

"Just what?"

"I - I don't want to be alone." She forced the words out, staring down at the floor. Lee could imagine how difficult they were for someone as proud as her to say. Something shifted irrevocably inside him.

"Then I'll stay," he said simply, and settled himself on the blankets next to her.

"Thank you."

"You don't need to thank me." After all she had been through she had every right to ask.

He lay down behind her, and after a moment she moved back against him, seeming to find comfort in touching him. In feeling that she wasn't alone. Lee gently put his arm around her, and she sighed quietly. He could feel her gradually relaxing.

It wasn't long before her breathing calmed and she drifted off to sleep, but Lee lay awake for a long time, watching her.

----

He woke for the second time to the first streaks of sunlight. Morning, and time to leave Caprica.

He looked down and saw that Kara was snuggled against him, her face pressed into his shoulder. She'd slept peacefully for the rest of the night then. He was glad he'd been able to do that for her.

He smiled at her, and then bent his head to kiss her softly on the cheek, brushing away a strand of hair that had fallen across her face. Then he gently disentangled himself, feeling a pang deep inside as he did so. She stirred slightly, but didn't wake.

Lee went to sit on a table by the window, and watched the sun rise fully.

Nearly an hour had passed by the time Kara stirred. He didn't realise she was awake until she spoke his name.

He turned his head and found her watching him, with wariness and a hint of embarrassment.

"Lee. About last night-" She broke off awkwardly.

Something twisted painfully inside him, but he made himself smile.

"You don't need to say anything, Kara." He kept his voice casual. "You needed someone to hold on to, and I happened to be here. That's all."

The embarrassment faded, but the wariness didn't.

"That's all?" She was still staring at him intently.

"Yes," he said firmly. "You don't owe me anything."

For a long moment their eyes held, and then Kara nodded, an expression that he didn't understand crossing her face.

"All right." She took a deep breath. "I'll go and find Helo. Check the Raider's ready."

Lee nodded. "I'll be along in a minute."

He watched her leave, her usual confidence seeping back into her posture with every step she took. Then he turned back to stare out of the window.

Emma had been right to warn him about getting too close to Kara, he thought. She'd just left it too late.

But then maybe it had been too late from the moment Kara had argued him into joining the fleet on the Caprican Star. Or even from the moment she had walked over to his pool table on Cloud Nine.

His mouth twisted wryly as he remembered something his grandmother used to say to him.

_You can never do anything the easy way, Lee._

It seemed that included falling in love. Of all the women in the fleet, he had to fall for the one who was not only his boss but also his brother's girlfriend. Utterly doomed, even if she had felt the same way, which he knew she didn't.

_You've outdone yourself this time, Lee,_ he thought, and almost laughed.

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**Author's Note: ** Honestly, these stubborn pilots, I wasn't expecting that to take quite so long - I have a feeling it may take a while still for Kara to see the light however...

Thanks so much to all of you who leave reviews, it really motivates me to keep going with this story, which was never supposed to be quite this long!


	23. Chapter 23

**Chapter Twenty-Three**

Lee had half-expected the skies above Kobol to be empty, but they weren't. There was something wrong about the sight before them though. It took him a moment to realise what it was.

"There aren't enough ships here," he said to Kara. "This can only be about a third of the fleet. And…"

"And Galactica isn't here," finished Kara grimly. She bit her lip.

Lee stared down at the heavy raider's controls, as a hundred scary possibilities sprang into his mind. All this time he'd been picturing Zak and his father safe on Galactica, but of course they weren't safe. No-one in the fleet was safe, not any more. What had happened? Had the Cylons attacked, and this was all that was left of the fleet?

A glance at Kara's face told him she was equally worried, but she managed a tight smile.

"Well, we'll find out what's going on soon enough. As long as they don't shoot us down first, that is. I'd better hail them." She cleared her throat and switched on the comms. "Civilian vessels, civilian vessels, this is Starbuck. This is Starbuck. Do you read?"

She had to repeat it several more times before they received a reply.

"Captain Thrace, welcome back. This is President Roslin."

Kara's eyes widened in surprise. "Thank you Madam President." She paused. "I have the Arrow."

A long pause. "You have no idea how relieved I am to hear that, Captain. Thank you."

"Madam President, what's going on?" Kara asked. "Where's Galactica?"

Another pause. "It's a long story, Captain, and one best told in person. Dock on the Caprican Star, and I'll do just that."

Lee's mouth dropped open. What was the President doing on the Caprican Star, of all places?

Kara looked equally confused. "Wilco, Madam President."

----

It was a strange sensation to be back on the Caprican Star. Lee looked around at the familiar walls of the landing bay and smiled. It was good to be back. This ugly little freighter still felt like home in a way Galactica never had.

He took several deep breaths, relieved to be out of the heavy raider. The trip hadn't unnerved him as much as one out to Caprica had, and he thought he'd managed to conceal his discomfort from the others. The heavy raider was bigger, and it was a little easier to forget that a thin layer of cylon flesh was all that separated him from the vacuum outside. But he'd never like flying in a small craft without wearing a flightsuit. He knew it was a stupid weakness, but he needed that double layer of protection for reassurance.

He turned to Helo and Sharon as the other three followed him out of the heavy raider. "I think you'd better wait here a moment, let Kara and I go ahead. Prepare the ground."

Sharon smiled thinly. "Okay. I'd rather not be shot on sight."

"Sharon." Helo took her hand reassuringly. "It's not going to be like that. It'll be okay."

Lee rolled his eyes inwardly. Surely Helo couldn't really believe that? Remembering the way the Caprican resistance had reacted to Sharon, did he think the fleet would react any better? Either he was incredibly optimistic or hopelessly naïve.

He kept his thoughts to himself, though, and followed Kara down the corridor out of the landing bay.

She was looking nervous, and sent him a wry smile. "I thought coming home was supposed to be the easy part."

Lee smiled ruefully back. "Coming home is never easy. I ought to know."

They rounded a bend in the corridor, and saw a small crowd of people in the loading bay, waiting to meet them. Lee searched for Emma, but to his amazement found Zak instead. A wave of relief swept over him at seeing his brother safe and unharmed.

"Kara!" called Zak.

Kara hesitated awkwardly beside Lee. Then Zak called her name again, and smiled, and an answering smile spread across her own face. She ran forward, and all but hurled herself into Zak's open arms.

Lee watched them. Watched the joyful smile on his brother's face as he hugged Kara to him, watched the utter relief evident in every line of Kara's body as she returned his embrace.

Something twisted in his chest. He took a deep breath and pushed it aside. He would not let himself be so petty as to be jealous of this, he would _not_. Zak was his brother and Kara was his friend, and that was all that mattered. He was happy for them.

He _was_.

"Lee!"

He turned towards the voice, and a genuine smile spread across his face. "Emma!"

She grinned and pulled him into a hug. "What have you been up to, you idiot? Going to Caprica of all places, without me to keep an eye on you…are you okay?"

Foolishly enough, her affectionate scolding brought tears to his eyes. Lee blinked them away and pulled her tighter, taking a long breath. "Yes, Emma. I'm okay."

They hugged for a moment longer and then Emma stepped back, her face turning grave. "Lee, there's something I need to tell you. A lot's happened while you were gone."

Lee tensed. He didn't like the sound of that. Then he abruptly remembered Sharon. "There's something I need to tell you too…"

But before he could say anything more there was a shout behind him, and Lee swung round to see that Sharon and Helo had already entered the loading bay.

"Zak, wait!" Kara shouted, and Lee's mouth dropped open as his brother – his genial, easy-going brother – ran forward and slammed Sharon against the wall, holding his gun to her head.

"Don't you frakking move." He'd never heard Zak look or sound so furious. He knew with utter certainty that his brother was going to pull the trigger.

Helo must have realised it too, because he ran forward, putting his own gun to Zak's head. "Drop your weapon."

Lee remembered the scene in the museum, and suppressed a hysterical desire to laugh. All Helo needed to do now was hold a gun to his father's head, and he'd have a complete family set.

Zak's gun hand didn't waver. "Helo. I thought you were dead." His face twisted harshly. "You a Cylon too?"

"Zak!" That was Kara, hurrying to join them. Lee shook himself free of his amazement and followed her. "Zak, you don't understand. She helped us."

"No, _you_ don't understand." Zak's voice was scarily calm. "This thing – Boomer – put two rounds into my father's chest."

"_What_?" Lee barely heard Kara's shocked gasp beside him. Nothing registered except the echo of Zak's words.

"Dad was shot?" His voice seemed to come from a long way away. "Zak, is he okay?"

Zak flicked a glance towards him, eyes bright with resentment. "You mean you care?"

Lee flinched. "Zak, please."

His brother glared at him for a moment longer, and then relented. "It took two emergency surgeries, but Cottle saved him." Lee sagged with relief.

"Gentlemen." Roslin's voice cracked across the silence. "I'm only going to say this once. Put your weapons down."

"What about Sharon?" asked Helo stubbornly.

"She will be taken to a holding cell, where she will remain unharmed."

Helo thought for a moment, and then nodded. He lowered his gun, and Zak did the same. Everyone took a deep breath.

"Thank you," said Roslin crisply. She turned to two of her security team. "Now put that thing out the airlock."

"What?" Helo moved towards Roslin, but Zak pushed him back. "What the frak? You said you wouldn't harm her!"

"We don't keep cylons on this ship," said Roslin coldly. "Especially one that shot the Commander."

"That wasn't me!" cried Sharon desperately.

Helo's eyes locked on Lee and Kara. "Kara! Apollo! You can't let her do this. Sharon saved all of us on Caprica. Tell her!"

Lee hesitated, torn. It was true, Sharon had saved them, but…but he wondered why she had done it. Maybe just so she could get inside the fleet. He didn't trust her.

His dilemma was solved by Sharon herself. The crewmen were dragging her towards the airlock, but she managed to turn round and shout back at Roslin.

"I know where the tomb of Athena is!"

Roslin held up a hand. "Wait a minute."

"Do you know?" Sharon demanded. "Kobol's a big place. You don't find the tomb, you don't find Earth."

Roslin stared at her for a long moment, then turned to Emma. "Ms. Lewis. Is there somewhere this…young woman and I can talk?"

Emma nodded, looking shaken. "I can arrange that."

----

Emma led Roslin and Sharon off to talk. Roslin's security men stopped Helo from following them, and he slumped defeatedly against a wall, head buried in his hands.

Zak saw Kara beckon Lee towards her, and gesture towards Helo.

"Can you take him somewhere? Stay with him until we hear what's going to happen to Sharon?"

Lee looked reluctant. "Why me?"

"You're the only person he knows here."

"He knows you."

"Yes, but…I need to talk to Zak first. I'll be along afterwards. Please, Lee?"

Lee's face softened. "All right. I'll take him to the galley."

He went over to Helo, and after some coaxing, got him out of the loading bay. Everyone else gradually dispersed, and finally Kara and Zak were left alone.

Zak stared at her. He wasn't sure what to say now that the first euphoria of reunion was over.

"What did you want to talk to me about?" he asked finally.

Kara walked towards him, looking nervous. "I wanted to say sorry. For leaving you like that."

Zak remembered that day in CIC, and the hurt he'd felt then flared up all over again. "You should have told me."

"I couldn't," said Kara flatly.

"Why not? You told Lee." He couldn't keep the hurt out of his voice.

"Because you'd have stopped me." She caught his shoulders, making him look at her. "Don't tell me you wouldn't have."

"Kara-" He tried to twist out of her grip, but she held firm.

"Tell me."

"Yes," he said grudgingly. "I would have stopped you."

"I know." She dropped her hands and stepped back. "And I had to go, Zak. We need the Arrow. At least, I hope so, after all I went through to get it." For a moment she looked incredibly tired.

"Yeah well, things haven't exactly been a picnic here, either," he muttered. He wasn't going to forgive her quite that easily.

"So I gather." She looked at him sadly. "Is the Old Man all right?"

"I think so." Zak swallowed hard. "I haven't seen him for a while."

"I noticed Galactica wasn't here." She frowned. "Zak, what's going on?"

He sighed. "It's a long story."

"I've got time," said Kara, and smiled at him.

Zak told her the whole story. Kara didn't say much in response. He had the impression she was too shocked by all that had happened to know what to say. Well, he could relate to that.

"So, it looks like we're mutineers together," he finished, trying to make a joke of it.

"At least we can share a cell in hack," Kara joked back, but he could see her heart wasn't in it.

"I wouldn't mind being in hack if I knew Dad was okay."

Kara put a hand on his arm. "I'm sure he's fine, Zak."

"I hope so." He took a long breath, shaking the regrets away. "So what happened on Caprica, then?"

Kara removed her hand, seeming to draw into herself slightly. "Another long story. It'll have to wait, though. I need to check on Helo."

"Okay." There would be plenty of time to hear her story later. "One thing first, though."

"What?"

Zak bent his head and kissed her. "That."

"Oh." Kara grinned at him, the uncertainty fading from her eyes. "Does that mean I'm forgiven?"

"I think so." Zak kissed her again. It still hurt, but he understood why she'd left, and…and all that really mattered was that she was back in his arms, whole and alive. That he hadn't lost her.

----

He left Kara outside the galley, and headed for the cockpit to look for Emma. She wasn't there, and he was going to try her cabin when Lee appeared around the bend of the corridor.

Zak tensed. He really didn't want to talk to Lee at the moment.

Unfortunately, Lee obviously didn't share that feeling. "I need to talk to you."

"Not right now." Zak tried to step round his brother, but Lee moved to block him.

"Yes, now. I know you're angry with me about Caprica, Zak, but I need to know how Dad is."

"Do you?"

Lee's eyes flashed with irritation. "So you're still implying I don't care."

"Well, do you?"

Lee looked hurt. "Of course I care!"

"Oh really?" All the stress and turmoil of the last weeks suddenly boiled over inside Zak, seeking an outlet. "Like you cared when you walked off to Caprica without a backward glance?"

Lee stiffened. "I left a note."

"A note? Big frakking deal." Zak took a step forward, eyes blazing. "How could you do that, Lee? Just disappear on us again?"

"I had to go. I couldn't just let Kara go on her own-"

Zak's temper flared even higher at the mention of her name. "You shouldn't have let her go at all! You should have told me and Dad, stopped her…I asked you to keep her from going, dammit!"

Guilt flickered across Lee's face. "I know, but…we needed the Arrow."

"Don't give me that bullshit. You don't believe in that mystical crap any more than I do." Did Lee really think he was going to fall for that?

"I don't," Lee admitted slowly, "but…I might be wrong."

Zak wasn't sure what Lee meant by that, but he didn't really care. "Save it, Lee. We both know why you really went to Caprica. Because you wanted to hurt Dad."

Lee raised his hands defensively. "Zak, that's not-"

"Well, congratulations," Zak snapped bitterly. "You succeeded. Do you know how upset he was when he found out you'd left? When he realised you'd thrown his trust in telling you about Earth back in his face?"

Lee closed his eyes briefly, looking suddenly exhausted. "Zak, I didn't mean-"

"I don't care what you meant!" The last threads of Zak's self-control snapped. "All that matters is that you _left_, Lee! You left, and Dad got shot, and you weren't there!"

Lee opened his eyes, face hardening. "Well, if you're such a devoted son, why aren't you at his bedside now? Why aren't you on Galactica?"

Zak flinched, guilt stirring inside him. "You don't understand. Dad arrested the President, and then he was shot, and Tigh was in charge, and he declared martial law." Lee was staring at him in utter shock. He opened his mouth to speak but Zak stumbled on, the words flooding out. "And there were riots, and people were killed, and I had to get the President out of prison before things got any worse. I had to leave him, Lee."

Lee was staring at him as if he had never seen him before. "You broke the President out of prison? You disobeyed orders? You _mutinied_?"

"Yes," said Zak defensively. "Dad was out of danger, Lee. Cottle said he'd be okay. He just – he just hadn't woken up yet." His voice caught despite himself.

Lee's face changed. "Zak, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you had to make that choice."

Zak took an instinctive step backwards. He didn't want Lee's pity. "I'm sure you are," he snapped, suddenly angry again. "I don't care."

"Zak-"

"He nearly _died_, Lee. He nearly died, and I needed you, and you weren't there."

Lee flinched. The guilt was back in his face. "Zak, I didn't know what would happen-"

Zak ignored him. "More fool me, for thinking I could rely on you. You only care about yourself, Lee, you always have done. You walked away ten years ago without giving a frak about what it would do to the rest of us, and you haven't changed." Part of him was horrified at the words coming out of his mouth, at all the years of hurt and resentment finally pouring out, but he couldn't stop himself.

Lee was deadly pale now. "Zak, that's not fair. I did care-"

"No, you didn't. You left me in a situation you couldn't cope with yourself, without a backward glance to see if I was okay."

"Zak." Lee's eyes were dark with hurt. "Zak, please."

Zak blocked him out. At some level he knew he was being unfair, that what had happened wasn't Lee's fault, but he didn't care. He needed someone to blame, someone to expel all his guilt and anger onto, and Lee was the easiest target. "It's my own fault. I should have known better than to let you back in so you could do it again."

"Zak." Lee looked utterly devastated. Zak felt a twinge of guilt, but he shoved it away.

"No, Lee. Just stay away from me from now on. Stay away." He pushed past his brother and walked on without looking back.

----

Kara didn't realise anything was wrong at first. After reassuring Helo, and taking him to visit Sharon in hack, she'd been too tired to do anything but sleep.

The following morning, the Caprican Star's shuttle began to ferry them all down to Kobol. Kara and Zak were about to board the shuttle when Lee appeared in the landing bay.

Kara grinned at him. "Morning, Lee. Wild night?" He was looking pale, and there were deep shadows under his eyes showing he obviously hadn't slept.

She expected him to grin and joke back, but she didn't even get a faint smile.

"Not really," he said flatly.

Kara looked at him with concern. "You all right?"

"I'm fine." Gods, Lee really couldn't tell a decent lie.

"Come on, Kara," said Zak, in a sharp tone that made her look at him in surprise. "The pilot's ready to leave."

"Okay." She turned back to Lee. "You coming with us? There's room if we squeeze up a bit."

Lee paused, looking at his brother. "Morning, Zak." His voice was oddly hesitant.

Zak didn't reply. To Kara's amazement, he just stared at Lee stonily and then turned to get into the shuttle. "Kara, let's go."

Lee flinched and stepped back. Kara stared at him with concern. "Lee? Are you coming?"

He made a pathetic attempt at a smile. "No. I – I think it's best if I wait for the next trip." He turned away, and Kara got into the shuttle.

The moment they were airborne she turned on Zak.

"What the hell is going on? Why are you ignoring Lee?"

Zak shifted uncomfortably, but his jaw was set hard. "I asked him to stay away from me."

"What? Why? Did you have a fight?" Zak nodded. "What about?"

"It doesn't matter."

She stared at him with growing suspicion. "Was it about me?" Silence. Anger unfurled inside her. "Damn it, Zak, you can't blame Lee for me going to Caprica!"

Zak's mouth tightened. "He doesn't seem to have made much effort to talk you out of it."

"Actually, he did," Kara snapped. She knew she shouldn't be arguing with him about this, not when they were still on such shaky ground, but she had to. She wouldn't let him blame Lee for this. It wasn't fair. "He did his best, and when it didn't work, he was a good friend and offered to come with me. And you should be glad he did. If it wasn't for him-"

She broke off abruptly, suddenly realising that would take her into topics – like the farm - that she really didn't want to discuss. Not packed into a shuttle with a dozen strangers.

"Go on, Kara." Zak had turned to look at her. "If it wasn't for him, what?"

"Nothing," she said quietly. "He just – it would have been a lot tougher on Caprica without him. I'm glad he was there." She remembered that last night on Caprica, how Lee had held her and chased away her nightmares, and then cut the thought off. That night was best forgotten. "Look, I'm just trying to say – don't blame him for me leaving. That's all."

"I don't," said Zak tightly. "I blame him for _him_ leaving."

"What?" Kara didn't understand.

"Look, I don't want to talk about it. It's between me and Lee. So just leave it, okay?"

Kara stared at him. In all the years she'd known him, she'd never seen Zak this angry. "Okay."

They sat in silence for the rest of the journey to Kobol.

----

Zak avoided her for the rest of the day, sticking close to Roslin as they trekked through the woods. Kara wondered if she could get any more out of Lee, but she couldn't get him alone either. Emma seemed to be constantly by his side, much to Kara's irritation. Honestly. She knew that Emma was Lee's best friend, but that didn't mean she had to hover round him all the time. You didn't see her doing that with Karl.

In the end she had to follow Lee into the bushes when he went to take a leak.

"Lee, I need to talk to you."

Lee jumped and hurriedly zipped up his fly. "For frak's sake, Kara, give me some privacy here!"

"You can have some privacy when you tell me what's wrong between you and Zak."

Lee's mouth twisted and he looked away. "Kara, don't. Just leave it."

"How can I leave it?" she snapped. "The two of you are the people I care most about left in the world, and I won't have you fighting like this!"

Lee laughed harshly. "Tell that to Zak."

"Is it about me?"

Lee looked at her then, his face softening. "No, it's not about you."

"Then what is it about?"

He stared down at the grass, and for a moment she thought he wasn't going to answer her. Then he said quietly, "Zak thinks I let him down. And he's right."

He looked up at her then, and the anguish in his eyes silenced her for a moment. Suddenly she wanted to punch Zak for putting it there.

"What do you mean, you let him down?" she pressed – and then suddenly the world shook violently around them.

She caught Lee's arm to steady him, her ears ringing. "What the hell was that?"

"An explosion." Lee was already hurrying back through the trees towards the rest of the group.

"Well, duh. But what? It was too big for a grenade. Land-mine, maybe?"

She pushed past a bush and stopped dead at the sight in front of her.

It must have been a land-mine. Everyone was gathered around two bodies sprawled on the ground.

One was Roslin's priestess, Elosha – Kara caught a glimpse of her robes. And the other-

_Oh gods, the other-_

She ran forward, screaming his name.

"Zak!"


	24. Chapter 24

**Chapter Twenty-Four**

"Zak!"

Lee ran after Kara towards his brother. Zak didn't seem to be moving…oh, gods, what if he was…

He cut off the thought, trying not to panic. Maybe Zak was just unconscious…he finally reached his brother and dropped to his knees beside him. Zak's head lolled back on the ground and his eyes were closed. Lee reached out to touch his brother's neck and fumbled for a pulse. Zak's skin was cool and clammy under his fingers.

"Zak!" Kara was kneeling opposite him, her voice desperate. "Zak, can you hear me?"

No reply. Lee looked down at his brother, at the dark stain spreading across his lower body, and looked abruptly away again. First things first. Pulse.

Finally he found it. Faint, but throbbing rapidly beneath his unsteady fingers. He took a long intake of breath and Kara looked up at him instantly. "Lee?"

"He's alive, I've found a pulse." He struggled to remember what they needed to do next. "Airway. We need to check his airway."

"Let me." Lee turned to see Emma bending over him, and sighed with relief. She might only have a year's medical training, but she knew more than he did. He moved out of the way immediately.

Kara was still bending over Zak, and Emma gently pushed her hands aside. "Kara. You need to let me take care of him."

Kara hesitated, and Lee moved to her side, putting a restraining hand on her shoulder. "Kara, let Emma get to him. She knows what she's doing."

Kara looked reluctant, but he held her eyes steadily, and after a moment she nodded and moved back. Emma took her place, hands moving swiftly and competently, although Lee could see they were shaking slightly.

"Airway's clear. Now, let's see what the damage is." Emma looked up. "Lee, get me the first aid kit."

Lee hurried to find it. He thought he'd seen Helo carrying it earlier. He passed Elosha, and saw at a glance that it was too late for the priestess. Roslin was bending over her, tears running down her face.

"Looking for this?" It was Helo, first aid kit already in hand. Lee gasped his thanks and hurried back to Emma.

"Here it is."

"Thanks." She'd pushed aside Zak's torn clothes and was checking his injuries.

Lee watched her anxiously. "How bad is it?"

"Some shrapnel caught him in the chest and abdomen."

She hadn't answered his question. Lee was about to pursue it when a cry from Kara distracted him. He turned to see his brother's eyes flicker open.

"Zak!"

Zak blinked, his blue eyes cloudy. "Kara?"

"Yes, it's me."

"What-?" He was struggling to get the words out.

"A landmine exploded. It's all right, you'll be okay." Kara was doing her best to keep her voice calm.

"Zak?" That was Emma. Lee moved aside so that Zak could see her. "Zak, it's Emma. I need you to answer some questions for me. Can you do that?"

"Yes."

"Are you having trouble breathing?"

"No."

Emma's face seemed to lighten a little. "Where does it hurt most?"

"Everywhere." Zak's face twisted. "My – my stomach. Below that – I-" He broke off, choking, and his body started shaking.

"Zak!" Lee watched in horror as the violent spasms shook his brother. Then Zak's eyes rolled up and he fell back to the ground, unconscious.

"Probably just as well," Emma muttered, her voice shaking slightly.

"What's wrong with him?" Kara demanded.

Emma took a deep breath. "He's got a bad wound in his abdomen."

"How bad?"

"I'm not sure. Bad enough. We need to get him back to the Caprican Star as soon as possible." She pulled the first aid kit towards her. "Kara, have you got some water?"

"In my pack." Kara hurried to pull it off.

"I need to soak the bandage before I dress his wound. Lee, can you rig some sort of stretcher to carry him on?"

Lee nodded, relieved to have something to do. He got to his feet, casting one last glance down at Zak.

_Hang on, little brother. Don't leave me. _

----

Lee and Helo managed to put together a makeshift stretcher from blankets and a couple of long branches. Once Emma had finished dressing Zak's wounds, they tied him onto it, as tightly as they dared. Lee was thankful he hadn't regained consciousness, and hoped he stayed like that. It would be rough going back to the shuttle, and the jolting would be incredibly painful if Zak was awake.

There was no question that he, Emma and Kara would go back to the shuttle with Zak, and Andrew, one of the crew from the Caprican Star, offered to be the fourth stretcher bearer. Helo had offered too, but Kara had turned him down. Roslin was heading on to the tomb of Athena, and she could see he didn't want to leave Sharon down here alone. Lee was grateful for the offer though.

He and Emma carried the rear of the stretcher, so that Emma could keep an eye out for any changes in Zak's condition. Lee found his own eyes constantly drifting to his brother's face, when he didn't need to watch where he was going. Zak looked frighteningly pale.

_Hold on, Zak._ Lee stared intently at his brother, as if he could force some of his own determination into Zak through the force of his gaze. _Don't you dare give up yet._

_Not while things are like this between us. Not before I've had a chance to explain – to fix things…_he remembered their argument the previous day, the hurt and anger in Zak's face, and flinched inwardly. He couldn't bear it if Zak died hating him…

----

It seemed an incredibly long time before they reached the shuttle, as if they'd covered twice the distance they had on the trek out. But reach it they did, just as the sun was setting. Transferring Zak into the shuttle was an awkward job, especially with their muscles already tired and aching from carrying him, but they eventually managed it.

Back on the Caprican Star, they rushed Zak to the tiny sick bay.

"At least I can examine him better here." Emma pushed back Zak's clothes and started to remove the dressing.

Lee looked at Kara. She was standing next to him, her eyes fixed on Zak with almost desperate intensity. Driven by an impulse he couldn't control, he reached out and grasped her hand.

She looked at him in surprise for a moment, and then she squeezed his hand back, gratitude springing into her eyes.

"He'll be alright." Lee hoped he sounded more convincing than he felt.

"I hope so. Lee, if he-" Her voice broke and she bit her lip fiercely.

"I know." Lee's hand tightened on hers. "I know." He couldn't bear to think of it either.

Emma finished checking Zak's injuries. She straightened up and turned to look at them, and Lee's heart thudded sharply in his chest. Emma's face was calm, but he knew the look in her eyes all too well.

"It's bad, isn't it?"

Emma looked from him to Kara, and then nodded heavily. "Yes. I can clean the wounds, but…he needs surgery, as soon as possible, and I just don't have the skill for that." Her eyes met Lee's. "You need to get on the radio. There must be a doctor somewhere in the ships who came with us."

_There must be._ Lee came closer to praying in that moment than he ever had before. "I'll put out an appeal." He gave Kara's hand one last squeeze and then released it, heading up to the cockpit.

Barely pausing to greet Martin, he headed for Emma's usual seat at the comms station. His hands were trembling as he put on the headset and tuned the controls to find a fleet-wide frequency. He took a few deep breaths, trying to steady himself before he had to speak.

"Alex!"

Lee looked up irritatedly at Martin's interruption. "What?"

Martin turned, a grin spreading across his face. "Look out there, Alex. We've got company."

Lee looked, and his breath stopped in his throat. The number of ships orbiting around Kobol had just tripled. So many familiar outlines…and one in particular, dwarfing the rest.

Galactica.

----

Lee wasted no time in hailing Galactica, his mouth dry as he did so. Zak had said their father hadn't been out of danger when he left. In a few seconds, he'd know whether…

"Caprican Star, this is Galactica," Dee's familiar voice said calmly in his ears.

"Dee, this is Lee Adama." He took a deep breath. "Is my father available?"

There was a pause that seemed to last for hours before her reply. "He's right here. I'll transfer you, Lieutenant."

Dad was okay. Lee closed his eyes with relief. He hadn't realised just how worried he'd been until now.

A moment later he heard the reassuring sound of his father's voice. "Lieutenant Adama. This is a surprise." Bill's tone was clipped and cold, but Lee didn't care. It was enough just to hear him.

"Dad, Zak's been injured," he said quickly. He knew it was a blunt way to break the news, but he saw no other choice. Zak's need was urgent and they couldn't afford to get bogged down in an argument. "He needs surgery. Can you get Doc Cottle over here?"

"I'll bring him myself," said Bill immediately. "Is Zak on the Caprican Star with you?"

"Yes."

"We'll be there in fifteen minutes. Galactica Actual out."

----

Lee hurried back to sick bay to relay the good news. Emma received it with a relief almost equal to Kara's.

"I was beginning to think I might have to try to patch him up myself," she said, voice trembling. "Thank the gods I won't have to." She sat down heavily in a chair.

Lee crouched down beside her. "Thanks for all you've done, Emma. He wouldn't have made it this far without you."

She raised a faint smile, and looked over at the still figure lying in the bed. "He'd better make it all the way now. I wouldn't like to see my efforts wasted."

"He will," said Kara. She was standing by the bedside, holding Zak's hand. "He won't give up that easily."

She sounded confident, but Lee could tell she was trying to convince herself. He got up and went to stand beside her. "I'm sure you're right."

----

Bill was as good as his word. Barely fifteen minutes later the sick bay hatch opened and he entered, closely followed by Cottle.

"Zak." Bill's eyes fastened on his younger son, and he headed straight to his side. "What happened to him?"

Lee looked at Kara, but she was staring at his father, looking too shaken to speak. So he did. "A landmine was triggered down on Kobol, and Zak got caught in the blast."

"Figures," said Cottle gruffly. He'd put down his medical bag and was surveying the contents of the sick bay. "You Adamas can't keep yourselves out of trouble, can you? Well, I suppose I'd better take a look at the damage." He walked over to Zak, and Kara and Lee quickly moved back out of his way. "Shrapnel wounds, hm? Well, at least one of you had the sense to dress them."

"That was me," said Emma, moving forward. "I did my best to clean them as well, once we got him back here."

Cottle looked up from inspecting her handiwork. "Not a bad job. You've been taught by someone who knew what they were doing."

"I did a year in medical school. Caprica City."

"Caprica City?" Cottle snorted. "Bunch of pampered idiots, but they know the basics." He looked at Emma assessingly. "You ever assist at an operation?"

"No, just watched."

"Well, today's the day you do. If you've watched, at least I can be certain you're not going to do something stupid like faint." He looked down at Zak. "Has he been unconscious since it happened?"

"He woke briefly just after," said Emma. "But he was in shock, and he slipped off again."

"Probably just as well if you had to carry him back here. Well, we'd better wash up, then I'll get him sedated." Cottle straightened up, and looked round the room. "And the rest of you can make yourselves scarce. I don't have relatives in my operating room."

Lee expected Kara or his father to argue, but neither did. They must really be worried. Instead Bill just stroked a hand over Zak's hair and then stepped back. Kara bent down to kiss his brother, and murmured something in his ear. They both turned to leave.

Lee paused a moment before following them, bending over Zak in his turn. Zak probably couldn't hear him, but he needed to say this. Just in case…

"Zak, I'm sorry," he whispered in his brother's ear. "I'm sorry for leaving you. Don't leave me."

He joined his father and Kara in the corridor. They all stood there for a moment uncertainly. Lee noticed his father wasn't looking at him; but then, he hadn't looked at him directly once since he arrived. Looked like Dad was just as angry with him for leaving as Zak had been.

It was Kara who finally broke the silence.

"Commander…I'm sorry." Her voice shook and her body seemed braced for rejection, but she pressed on determinedly. "I'm sorry for disobeying you. But I couldn't see what else to-"

"Kara." Bill took a step towards her. "It's all right." His voice sounded unsteady too. "Everything will be all right."

Kara tried to smile, but it didn't quite work. Lee could see tears brimming in her eyes.

"Come here," said Bill. He took another step forward and pulled her into a hug.

Kara made an odd noise that sounded like a strangled sob, and buried her face in his shoulder.

Lee watched them for a moment, and then turned and left them alone.

----

Lee went to the galley and made himself some coffee. It felt as if he'd been up for hours, and he knew there was no way he'd be able to sleep until Zak was out of surgery. He supposed he should probably eat something as well, but he couldn't quite face it.

"You got another mug of that?"

Lee jumped in surprise at the sound of his father's voice. He was the last person he'd expected to seek him out.

"Sure," he muttered. He carried his empty mug over to the counter, and put the kettle on to boil. "Where's Kara?"

"I got her to lie down in a cabin. She argued, of course, but she fell asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow." Bill looked at him searchingly. "You look as if you should do the same."

Lee shook his head. "I can't. Not until we hear something."

Bill sighed. "Me either."

He sat down at the table and waited silently as Lee made the coffee. Lee put the steaming mug down in front of him, and then resignedly took the seat opposite. He couldn't avoid this conversation forever.

"So, how are you?" he said quietly. Bill looked confused. "I mean, Zak said you were shot."

"I was." Bill smiled ruefully. "Seems a long time ago, after all that's happened."

"Are you okay now?"

"I'm fine. Cottle did a good job patching me up."

"I'm...I'm glad to hear that," Lee said hesitantly. "I was worried."

Bill looked at him inscrutably. "Were you?"

"Yes."

"Good," Bill said bluntly, and Lee looked up in surprise. "Now you know how it feels, maybe you'll stop and think the next time you're tempted to disappear."

Lee flushed and looked down at the table. "I'm sorry." He remembered the things Zak had said to him yesterday. They were both right; he hadn't stopped to think about how either of them would feel about him leaving, any more than he had ten years ago.

"Well, I understand why you went. Kara made sure of that." Bill smiled wryly. "She seems as protective of you now as she is of Zak."

"No, I – I didn't mean just for that. I mean for leaving before." Lee steeled himself to look up and meet his father's eyes. "You're still angry with me about that, aren't you?"

Bill looked as if he was about to deny it.

"Aren't you?" Lee repeated. They needed to get this out in the open.

Bill sighed. "Yes, I suppose I am."

"You said you understood why I ran away. You said it didn't matter, and that we should make a fresh start."

"I know what I said." Bill took a sip of his coffee. "But I suppose fresh starts aren't as easy as I thought. My mistake."

"You're still angry."

"Can you blame me?" his father said tightly. His eyes were dark with emotion. "Ten years, Lee. Ten years of not knowing what had happened to you, of tensing up every time I got a letter or a call from planetside, wondering if it was news of you…do you know how hard that was?"

"No." Lee's hand clutched the edge of the table. "But I can imagine." And for the first time he did. Imagined how he would have felt in that situation, if it had been Zak who had run away.

"You could have got in touch, Lee. Even if you didn't want to come home, you could at least have let us know you were alive."

"I know." But he hadn't, because he'd been too afraid to. He felt bitterly ashamed of himself. Gods, no wonder Zak didn't want to speak to him. "I can understand why you're still angry."

"Well, I'm not the only one." Bill was looking at him knowingly. "You're still just as angry with me."

Lee opened his mouth to protest, but Bill shook his head, cutting him off. "Yes, you are. You're still angry with me for not being there when you needed me, for not seeing what was happening at home. Aren't you?"

Lee stared at him for a moment, and then nodded. It was true, although he hadn't realised it – not consciously – until that moment.

"Do you think you can let that go?" said Bill, after a long moment. "Forgive me?"

Lee hesitated, wondering if it was better to lie, to smooth things over, but the look in his father's eyes demanded honesty, and he gave it. "I don't know."

Something flickered in Bill's face, but he just nodded, and took another sip of his coffee.

Lee braced himself to ask the question that had to be asked. "Can you forgive me?"

Bill put down his mug, looking suddenly very tired. "I don't know."

Lee nodded, biting his lip. He supposed it was no more than fair.

"It's just that...you lied to me, Lee." Bill's voice was hollow. "I trusted you with the truth about Earth, asked you to keep it between us – and then you went straight to Kara and passed it on to her. And then you disappeared again, without a backward glance." He sighed. "It's going to take some time before I can get past that. Can trust you again."

"I see." There was a lump in Lee's throat, and it hurt to get the words out. But what else could he say? What was done was done, and he'd already apologised. And…and as his father had said, he wasn't the only one who felt like that. Lee still didn't feel he could trust his father not to let him down again. He didn't know if he'd ever feel able to trust him.

He realised Bill was watching him ruefully, with an expression that showed he knew exactly what Lee was thinking.

"Maybe we just need some time," he said quietly.

Lee nodded. _But how much?_

----

They finished their coffee in silence, and then Kara arrived, full of annoyance with herself at falling asleep. She was obviously irritated with Bill too for not waking her up, but didn't feel she could show it, so she snapped at Lee instead.

Lee let it roll over him. He understood how she felt. His own anxiety was growing with every hour that passed.

Zak had to be all right. He had to be.

Finally the galley hatch opened, and Cottle stepped through it. He was frowning, but he was smoking a cigarette, and for some reason that gave Lee hope. He jumped to his feet, aware that Kara and his father were doing the same.

Cottle's voice was almost sympathetic. "Well, he's through the surgery."

Lee's relief was so great that everything blurred around him for a moment.

"Thank the gods," Kara murmured beside him, and Cottle sent her a sharp look.

"He's not out of the woods yet. Not by a long shot."

Lee didn't care. All that mattered was that Zak was still alive.


	25. Chapter 25

**Chapter Twenty-Five**

Zak opened his eyes slowly. It seemed to require a lot of effort, as if his eyelids were weighted down.

"Doctor, I think he's waking up," said a woman's voice that sounded vaguely familiar.

"Good. It's about damn time."

Zak recognised that voice all too well. He smiled as his eyes opened fully. "Hello there, Doc."

Cottle's familiar face scowled down at him. "Hello there yourself, young man."

Zak blinked as his eyes focused on his surroundings. Something wasn't quite right. His surroundings didn't match with Cottle's presence. This room had white walls, not the dull grey of Galactica's sick bay.

"This isn't Galactica."

"Ten out of ten for observation," Cottle muttered.

"No, Zak, you're on the Caprican Star," said the woman, stepping forward. It was Emma, and he smiled in recognition.

"I hope you're honoured," Cottle said gruffly, checking Zak's IV. "I don't do house calls for just anybody."

Zak barely heard him. Memory was flooding back. Kobol, the explosion…

"But…if you're here," he said, looking at Cottle, "then Galactica must be here too."

Cottle nodded briefly, still running his checks.

Zak's whole body tensed. "Then – is Dad here? Is he okay?"

Cottle's busy hands stilled. He looked at Zak, eyes softening slightly. "He's fine. Back on his feet and as stubborn as ever."

Zak closed his eyes, sighing with relief. He had been so afraid he might never see his father again. He felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off him.

"Can I see him?"

"Not at the moment. I packed him off to the planet with your brother and Starbuck."

Zak stared at him in awe. "How the hell did you manage that?"

Cottle's mouth curved slightly. "Told them I was keeping you under sedation for forty-eight hours so they might as well get out of my hair." He chuckled. "I'd appreciate it if you didn't blow my cover."

"Why did you do that?"

"They were driving me mad, in here constantly under my feet." Zak smiled at the mental picture that conjured up. "Besides, I thought it would be better if you waited to see them until you were a little stronger. None of them has what I would call a restful personality."

Zak opened his mouth to protest, but a yawn came out instead.

Cottle nodded. "See what I mean? Get some sleep. They'll probably be back by the time you wake up. Assuming they haven't got lost looking for that damn tomb."

Zak didn't have the energy to reply. A wave of lassitude swept over him and his eyes slipped closed.

----

When he woke again, Emma was sitting by his bed, flicking through a book. When she saw his eyes were open, she put it down and smiled.

"Hey there."

Zak tried to reply, but his dry throat struggled to form the words.

"Need some water?" He nodded gratefully, and Emma got up and poured him a glass. Much to his annoyance, his hand shook so much when he took it that she had to hold it to his lips while he swallowed.

"What's wrong with me?" he grumbled, sinking back onto the pillow. Even the brief exertion of sitting up to drink had tired him.

"Well, let's see." Emma's eyes twinkled. "You got blown up by a land mine, and had major surgery. Other than that, nothing at all."

"Very funny." But Zak found himself smiling reluctantly.

"You'll just have to be patient, I'm afraid. It's going to be a while before you heal enough to get out of bed."

She said it lightly enough, but the expression in her eyes told Zak just how worried she had been. "That bad, was it?"

She nodded, lips tight. "If Cottle hadn't got here when he did…"

"Of if you hadn't been there on Kobol. I don't remember much, but I remember you were taking care of me. Thank you."

Emma shrugged slightly, looking away. "You don't need to thank me. I'm just sorry you had to rely on my rusty medical skills."

"Obviously they're not that rusty. I'm still here."

At that she looked back at him and smiled. "So you are."

Zak braced himself for the next question. "What about Elosha? I tried to push her out of the way…" He fell silent, seeing the answer in her face.

"I'm sorry. The explosion killed her outright. There was nothing I could do."

They fell silent for a moment. It was broken by Cottle entering the sick bay.

"Awake again? That's good," he said to Zak. "I've just been told the shuttle is on its way back from Kobol, so I hope you're feeling up to visitors."

Zak nodded, although he felt nervous at the prospect of seeing his father. "Did they find the tomb?"

"Apparently so."

"Did it show the way to Earth?" Emma asked eagerly.

"Gave a clue at least. I didn't ask for details. I've got more important things to deal with." Cottle turned to Zak. "Like changing your dressings before your family gets here."

Zak grimaced. Somehow he didn't think this was going to be pleasant.

----

It wasn't. It was more painful than he had expected, and seemed to take an incredibly long time. He didn't pass out, but he was sweating and shaking afterwards. Cottle cleared up, and then left him alone to recover for a while.

Zak wasn't sure how long it was before he reappeared. "Your father's outside. You feel up to seeing him?"

Zak nodded.

"Good." Cottle almost grinned. "I'd keep him out if necessary, but I'm glad I don't have to make the attempt."

He went outside, and Zak took a deep breath. He'd spent so much time since he left Galactica running over this conversation in his head, coming up with careful explanations for his actions, and now that the moment was here they had all flown out of his head.

The hatch opened again, and his father entered.

He was looking pale and tired, but he crossed the room with his usual firm stride. If Zak hadn't seen it himself, he'd never have realised he'd been shot.

"Zak," said Bill, stopping beside the bed.

"Hi Dad." Zak tried to smile. "How are you?"

Bill's eyes softened slightly. "In better shape than you, by the look of it. How are you feeling?"

"Fine as long as I don't move," Zak said ruefully.

"You gave me quite a scare."

"So did you," said Zak, remembering those days of agonising uncertainty.

Some of it must have shown in his face, because his father's hand suddenly reached out to take his. "Well, we're Adamas, son. We don't give up easily."

Zak smiled. Maybe his father wasn't quite as angry as he had expected. He took the opening.

"Dad…I'm so sorry for going. For leaving you to wake up alone."

"Zak-"

He pushed on. He knew his father didn't like to talk about things like this, but he needed to say it. "I know how angry you must be – I know it was mutiny – but I had to do it. I couldn't see any other choice, any other way to try to stop what was happening to the fleet." He took a deep breath. "And I don't regret it."

"You don't?" His father was watching him with a strange expression on his face, as if he'd never seen him before.

"No." Zak remembered what Emma had said, that all that mattered was that he thought what he'd done was right, and hung on to that. "I'm sorry for leaving you, and I'm sorry if what I did hurt you, but I don't regret the act itself."

Silence. He looked up, but couldn't decipher the expression on his father's face.

"Apology accepted," said his father finally. He paused for a moment, clearing his throat. "Saul told me what happened while I was unconscious. It…was a tough situation all round."

Their eyes met, and Zak realised Bill was trying to let him know that he understood. He'd never come out and criticise Tigh's actions openly – that would be disloyal – but he was tacitly saying he wasn't totally in agreement with them.

Zak took a long breath of relief. "So…am I under arrest?"

"No." Bill sighed. "I can't afford to lose two of my senior officers. If I court-martial you for mutiny, I'd have to do the same for Kara and Lee too, so…you're all off the hook."

"Thanks, Dad."

Bill ignored that. "So, do you want to know what we found on Kobol?"

"You found something?" Zak tried to sit up, winced, and fell back. "At the tomb?"

Bill smiled. "We found a map to Earth." Zak listened with amazement as he described their experience in the tomb, the illusion they had seen and the stars that had given them the clues. "Looks like we have a map and a direction."

"Then she was right," Zak breathed, closing his eyes. "Roslin was right." _I didn't do it all for nothing. _

"Yes. Looks like we may all have to reconsider our position on the prophecies."

Another thought struck Zak. "So, are you and the President…"

"We've called a truce," said Bill briefly. "I think we understand each other."

"I'm glad."

"And now I think I'd better let Kara in to see you." Bill put a hand on Zak's shoulder. "I know you won't sleep till you do, and Cottle says you need your rest."

----

"He'll have to stay here for a while," said Cottle the following day. "I don't want to risk moving him back to Galactica just yet." He turned to Emma. "Don't worry, young lady, I'm not expecting you to look after him alone. I'll send one of my nursing staff over, and I'll check in on him regularly."

Emma smiled. "That's a relief."

"I'm sorry to put you to such trouble," said Adama quietly.

"No trouble at all," said Emma briskly. "I'm happy to help out Lee's family."

Kara listened with mixed feelings. She understood why Zak couldn't be moved, but she wished she didn't have to let him out of her sight just yet. She knew it was stupid and irrational, but she couldn't help feeling that something might happen to him if she didn't keep an eye on him.

There was no chance she could stay here with him, though. She'd left Galactica without a CAG for far too long already, and she needed to show the Old Man he'd made the right choice in deciding to forgive her and overlook the mutiny charges.

Adama went in to take leave of Zak, while Cottle ran through some medical instructions with Emma. Kara sat down next to Lee, noticing that he looked as exhausted as she felt.

"What a homecoming," she said. "Almost made Caprica look like a holiday."

Lee smiled, although it didn't reach his eyes. "It'll be odd to go back to Galactica. Get back in the routine."

Kara sighed and leaned back against the wall. "Sounds good to me. Who knew I'd actually miss flying CAP and writing rosters?"

They sat there in a comfortable silence until the door opened and Adama came out of sick bay.

Lee nudged Kara with his elbow. "Your turn."

Kara turned to look at him. "What about you?"

Lee looked down at the floor. "I don't think Zak wants to see me."

"How do you know if you don't even try?" Kara felt a surge of irritation at his defeatist manner.

Lee looked up at that, eyes burning. "I did try," he snapped. "I went in last night."

"Did you?" Kara's irritation subsided slightly. "What happened?"

"He – he pretended to be asleep so he didn't have to talk to me." Lee's voice was even, but he couldn't keep the hurt out of his eyes.

"How do you know he was pretending?"

"I could tell by his breathing."

"Maybe if you tried again-"

"No," said Lee flatly. "I won't force myself on him, Kara. If he doesn't want to see me, I have to respect that."

"Lee-"

"Kara, just leave it. Please." His voice wavered slightly. "Go and see Zak."

----

Zak didn't seem too upset at the prospect of staying on the Caprican Star. "I have a room all to myself here. And a little of Cottle's bedside manner goes a long way."

"I'll visit as often as I can," Kara assured him.

"I know." Zak smiled at her. "Don't worry too much if you can't get away – I know how busy the CAG gets. I'll just be pleased to see you whenever you can make it."

"Thanks." Kara leaned in to kiss him. "You take care of yourself. If I hear from Emma you've been overdoing things, I'll be straight over here to kick your ass."

Zak chuckled. "I'll be good, I promise."

"I'll have to go soon," said Kara reluctantly. "Your father needs to get back." She looked at him thoughtfully, screwing up her resolve. "Shall I ask Lee to come in and see you before we go?"

A shutter dropped immediately over Zak's face. "I'd rather you didn't. I'm too tired for more visitors."

Kara's temper sparked. "Very convenient."

"Kara-"

"Lee said you pretended to be asleep when he visited earlier. Is it true?" Zak stared down at the bedclothes. "Is it true?"

"Yes," he said grudgingly.

"Why?" Kara felt genuinely bewildered. It wasn't like Zak to be so petty.

"I didn't want to talk to him."

"For the gods' sake!" Kara wanted to shake him. "What the hell is wrong with you? Don't you realise how much that upset him?"

Zak looked up, mouth set hard. "Didn't realise he had feelings to upset."

"Of course he does! You nearly died, Zak. He was desperately worried about you-"

Zak laughed bitterly. "That makes a change."

"What the frak does that mean?"

"Nothing."

"I can't believe you're still brooding over some stupid argument! What was it about anyway?"

"Why don't you ask Lee?" Zak snapped. "After all, you're such good friends."

The venom in his tone took Kara aback. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"I'm your boyfriend, Kara. So why is it that my brother is always the person you seem to confide in?"

"Is this about us going to Caprica again? Zak, I explained why-"

"I don't care about that! The bottom line is that you trusted him over me." The hurt in his voice had Kara flinching guiltily. The trouble was that what he said was absolutely true. She _had_ trusted Lee over him, and she didn't really know why. She hadn't meant to hurt Zak. It was just that Lee was so much easier to talk to about some things. He seemed to understand her without her having to explain herself.

"Zak, I'm sorry. I _do_ trust you, I promise."

_Do you?_ A voice mocked at the back of her head_. Then why haven't you ever told him about your mother? Why haven't you told him about the farm? You haven't, and you know you're not going to. Because you're afraid of how he'll react. Afraid he'll turn away from you._

She needed to change the subject. "Zak, this isn't about us. It's about you and Lee. Won't you just talk to him?"

"No," Zak said harshly. "Stay out of this, Kara. Please."

----

Kara might be fed up to the back teeth with stubborn Adama men, but she wasn't ready to give up on them quite yet. And there was more than one way to trap a raider.

She managed to find a moment alone with Emma before the raptor left for Galactica.

"Have you noticed what's going on between Lee and Zak?"

Emma nodded immediately. Kara was glad that she didn't pretend not to know what she was talking about. "That they're not speaking? It was fairly obvious that first day on Kobol."

"Has Lee told you what it was about?"

"No. He refused to talk about it, although I got the impression that Zak is the one holding the grudge." Emma looked at her questioningly, and Kara nodded.

"He is, but he won't tell me what it's about. It's to do with Lee going to Caprica, and Lee said something about letting Zak down, but neither of them will tell me the full story." Kara clenched her fists. "It just makes me-"

"Feel like banging their heads together?" Emma finished.

Kara looked up in surprise. Emma's face was full of wry humour, and Kara found herself grinning. "That pretty much covers it."

"Do you want me to see if I can get anything out of Zak?"

Kara nodded gratefully. "And I'll work on Lee." She sighed. "I hate seeing them like this."

"We'll sort them out," said Emma reassuringly. She grinned. "With the two of us working together, they don't stand a chance."

Kara laughed.

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**Author's Note:** So...I couldn't bring myself to kill Zak, I've got too fond of him. Thanks for all your reviews, they are keeping me going as I battle my way on with this story!


	26. Chapter 26

**Chapter Twenty-Six**

Lee found settling back into life on Galactica difficult, but not for the reasons he had expected.

Apart from his family, no-one in the crew seemed to hold any resentment against him for disappearing to Caprica, especially after the news spread that he and Kara had brought back the Arrow of Apollo that had given the fleet a direction to Earth. Kat and Hotdog welcomed him back warmly, and dragged him off to the rec room to play triad and fill him in on all the gossip he'd missed.

Sure, Colonel Tigh glared at Lee every time he saw him and never spoke to him without snapping, but that was nothing new. Tigh had never liked Lee much for as long as he had known him, feeling he didn't show his father the respect Tigh thought he deserved. It had never bothered Lee particularly; he had never felt the need for approval from a drunken frak-up like Tigh.

So the whole Caprica incident had been smoothed over, and Lee was expected to go back to his life as a Galactica viper pilot, flying CAP, working maintenance shifts and playing triad as if it had never happened and nothing had changed.

But he couldn't. Because Caprica _had_ happened, and it had changed everything in regards to the most important people in his life.

First there was Zak, still locked in stubborn silence on the Caprican Star. Lee had made a few attempts to contact him over the comms, but Zak always refused to speak to him, and Lee had no idea what to do. He'd thought about going over there and forcing Zak to see him, but he was afraid pushing his brother like that might make things worse instead of better. Zak rarely lost his temper, but when he did it took a long time to subside. It was probably better to leave him to cool off, but…but what if he didn't? What if he really did want Lee out of his life for good? The idea of that hurt so much Lee could hardly bear to think about it. He hadn't realised quite how much having his brother back meant to him until he lost him again.

Then there was his father. Lee had no idea where he stood there either. That conversation on the Caprican Star had left them in a strange limbo, not openly hostile, but not exactly friendly either. Lee hadn't seen much of Bill since they got back to Galactica, and never in private. When they spoke it was always about work, scrupulously polite and formal. Another deadlock that Lee had no idea how to break, and to be honest, he wasn't even sure if he wanted to. Maybe it was better to keep to this wary truce.

And then there was Kara, and in some ways she was his biggest problem of all.

----

The chaos that had followed their return to the Caprican Star and Zak's injury had left Lee with very little time to dwell on his realisation that last night on Caprica, that his feelings for Kara were a hell of a lot more than friendship.

In some ways it had been a blessing. Back on Galactica, in the calm of familiar routine, there was all too much time to think about it.

Not that there was really anything to think about. Nothing could come of it, he knew that with brutal clarity. Acting on his feelings would not only be a terrible betrayal of Zak, but would destroy his friendship with Kara completely. He couldn't bear the thought of that. He didn't need her to love him, but he did need her to be his friend. He'd told her things on Caprica he'd never told anyone else, not even Zak or Emma. The idea of losing the comfort of that close friendship, losing her from his life completely, scared him down to the bone.

If she ever found out how he felt, that he saw her as more than a friend, he _would_ lose her. So he had to crush those feelings, bury them so deep that she would never suspect they existed. And maybe, after a while, they _would_ cease to exist. If he refused to nourish his feelings or acknowledge them, eventually they would fade, wouldn't they? And then he could be comfortable with her again.

He certainly wasn't comfortable with her now. He was too afraid she would read his feelings in his face, that he would betray himself in some way. It would be easier if he could have some breathing space, just a little distance from her…

But he couldn't. They'd fallen back into their old routine, and she always seemed to be there. He hadn't realised until now how much time they'd come to spend together before leaving for Caprica. She had the bunk opposite his. He was her wingman, so of course they flew CAP together. He spent half his off-shifts in her office filing her paperwork. They ate together, worked out together. She was always there, and he couldn't escape her.

----

One night he was reading in his rack when she came into the bunkroom.

"Hey, Lee. Thought you'd be at the triad game tonight."

"Didn't feel like it," he said, keeping his eyes resolutely fixed on his book.

"Pity. I would have enjoyed cleaning you out. Tonight was my lucky night." He heard the rustle of clothing and kept his eyes rigidly focused on the page. _Don't look, don't look…_

"I thought every night was your lucky night."

"True enough." Kara laughed, and he found himself looking up, and abruptly wished he hadn't.

Did she have to wander round the bunkroom in nothing but her bra and a pair of sweatpants? It was bad enough having to time his trips to the head to ensure he never encountered her in the showers.

He looked hurriedly back at his book, wishing he had closed his curtain, or could request a new rack, or just go back to a time when her wandering around half undressed wouldn't have bothered him in the slightest.

"What are you reading, Lee?" Her voice was closer now, and he tensed.

"Nothing much."

"Must be interesting if you'd rather read it than talk to me." The mattress shifted under him and he realised with horror that she'd sat down on the edge of his bunk. Then she pulled the book out of his hands, and he was left defenceless, with no barrier between them.

She read the title, pulling a disgusted face. "_The Rights of the Worker_? Lee, did you search for the dullest book you could find?"

"It's very interesting, actually." He knew he sounded pompous but it was hard to force the words out. Hard to focus at all when her hip was pressed against his leg. It felt as if his skin was burning where she touched him, even through the thick fabric of his sweatpants. "The Chief lent it to me."

"And you're in here reading this instead of enjoying a good card game in the rec room?" She rolled her eyes, grinning at him. "You are such a sad bastard sometimes, you really are."

Kara slapped his shoulder affectionately, and oh gods, she was so close he could smell her, and it catapulted him back to that night in Caprica, holding her in his arms…

"I have to go." He sat up abruptly, swinging his legs to the edge of the bunk.

"Go where?" She was staring at him with confusion.

"I need a shower," he said, seizing on the first excuse he could think of. He headed for his locker, putting several feet of much needed distance between them.

"What's the rush? The showers aren't going anywhere."

"I need to get some sleep soon. I've got early CAP tomorrow." Thankfully it was true. He pulled his towel and his washbag out of his locker, getting his breathing under control before he turned to face her.

She was still looking at him oddly. "Is everything okay?"

"Of course," he said, trying to sound calm. "Why wouldn't it be?"

"You just seem a bit…I don't know. On edge."

He could see genuine concern in her eyes, and it nearly undid him. He had to look away from her, stare down at the floor. "I'm just tired."

"It's probably reading this rubbish," she said after a pause, in a lighter tone. He looked up cautiously to see her drop the book back on his bunk. "It would send anyone to sleep. Speaking of which, I'd better get some shut-eye myself. Night, Lee."

"Night," he said, as she climbed up to her bunk, and headed out into the corridor, cursing silently. He had to get better control of himself. If he went on acting like this, she was going to see right through him. Kara wasn't stupid.

He pulled open the hatch of the officers' head. He had to keep up his cover, and besides, he definitely needed a shower. Preferably a long cold one.

----

Emma was enjoying Zak's company while he convalesced on the Caprican Star. She spent most evenings chatting to him in sick bay. It was nice to have an outsider to talk to, so she could vent her frustrations with certain crew members without worrying that her comments would get back to them. She hadn't had anyone she could talk to with that kind of freedom since Lee left, and she had missed it.

She hadn't forgotten her promise to Kara to try to find out what had happened between Zak and Lee, but she judged it better to take things slowly. Zak was still very weak at first, and she didn't want to upset him unnecessarily. But as the days passed, he began to improve, and was able first to sit up and then to get out of bed for short periods.

One evening she shared dinner with him and finally raised the subject.

"Martin said Lee called to speak to you today," she said casually, as she put his bowl of stew down in front of him. "How's he getting along back on Galactica?"

She watched Zak out of the corner of her eye as she spoke and saw his face stiffen slightly. "I didn't speak to him."

"Oh, that's a pity. Were you asleep?" Emma said innocently. "You missed Lee's last call too, didn't you? I can arrange for you to call him back if you like."

"I don't like," said Zak bluntly. He was looking at her suspiciously. "But I think you already know that, don't you? That Lee and I aren't speaking."

Emma nodded, and he frowned. "Who told you? Kara?"

"Yes." Best to get it out in the open, Emma thought. "She's just worried about you, Zak."

"She should mind her own business," Zak muttered, picking up his spoon.

"Now, that's hardly fair," Emma said mildly, and he looked up in surprise. "You're her boyfriend and Lee's her friend – of course it's her business. She's stuck in the middle between you, and it must be very awkward."

She took a mouthful of her own stew as Zak thought about it. "I suppose you're right," he said finally.

"So what have you quarrelled about?" asked Emma, seizing the opportunity. "It affects me too, you know – both of you are my friends now." She paused to let that sink in. "Kara thought it was about Lee going to Caprica."

Zak nodded reluctantly.

"Well, I can see why you'd be angry," said Emma. "I understand that they disobeyed orders and put themselves in danger by going. But if they hadn't done it, we wouldn't have a direction to Earth now."

Zak sighed and put his head in his hands. Emma ate some more stew and waited patiently.

"I know," he said eventually. "It's…it's not really that I'm angry about, to be honest. It's-"

Emma stayed silent as he struggled to find the words. She didn't want to push him in case he closed up again.

"When I realised Lee had gone," Zak said quietly, "it was like – it was like going back in time ten years."

"To when he left before."

"Yes. I felt so angry, so bewildered…it was like it happening all over again. And I couldn't deal with that." He was speaking more easily now, as if it was a relief to finally talk about it.

"What do you mean?"

"All my life, Lee was the one person I could count on. Who was always there for me. And then – then he wasn't." Zak's voice trembled slightly. "I couldn't believe it at first. I spent months - hell, _years_ – waiting for him to walk back in the door, to get in touch somehow. But he didn't, and eventually…eventually I decided he must be dead. Because I couldn't believe that he would just abandon me without a word."

"But he did." Emma's heart ached for him. Much as she sympathised with Lee, and understood why he had done what he had, she couldn't help but feel the pain it had caused Zak.

"Yes, he did," said Zak bitterly. "I was so angry, so hurt when I realised that, but I couldn't – I was just so happy to see him again, to have him back…I couldn't say anything to ruin it. To push him away again."

"So you bottled it all up," said Emma, suddenly understanding. "And then when Lee disappeared off to Caprica, it popped the cork on all those feelings and they came tumbling back out."

"Yes. It showed me – it showed me that I still can't depend on him to be there if I need him. If he could turn his back on me once, he can do it twice." Zak took a long shuddering breath. "And I can't bear to go through all that again. It hurt too much the last time."

"So it's better to turn your back on him first?"

Zak looked surprised. "I suppose so. I hadn't thought of it like that, but yes."

Emma stared at him for a moment. "Well, it looks like I was wrong."

"About what?"

"Saying you didn't have issues with a capital I. You do. You just do a better job than Lee at hiding them." She grinned at him.

"Thanks," said Zak ruefully.

"You know, you can't go on like this," said Emma briskly. "Avoiding Lee, I mean. You're officers on the same ship – you're going to have to face him sooner or later."

Zak put his head in his hands again. "I know. But what do I say to him?"

"Tell him what you told me." Emma reached out to put a hand on his arm. "Look, I'm not saying that you have to forgive him, but I think you need to talk to him at least. All this silence is doing is hurting both of you and everyone around you."

Zak looked up at her. "All right." He was pale, but his eyes were determined. "I'll talk to him." He smiled at her. "And thanks for the pep talk. It seems to be becoming a habit."

Emma smiled back. "If you're not careful, I'll start charging by the hour."

----

Emma lost no time in placing a call to Kara to let her know that Zak was willing to see Lee. She didn't think he was going to have a change of heart, but it was probably better if Lee got over here as soon as possible. Just in case.

"Well done!" Kara sounded impressed. "I've had no luck talking to Lee."

"That's probably because you haven't the advantage of him being stuck in a sickbed," said Emma, chuckling. "I have a captive audience, so to speak."

"Very true." Kara joined in her laughter. "Lee does seem to find somewhere he has to be urgently every time I try to talk to him these days. His way of avoiding the subject, no doubt."

"If there's anyone who's an expert on avoidance, it's Lee," Emma agreed.

"So did Zak tell you what the fight was all about in the first place?"

Emma told her the whole story. Kara obviously didn't like it; she could hear murmurs of annoyance drifting down the line.

"I don't frakking believe it!" she exploded as soon as Emma had finished. "How can he be so childish?"

Emma winced at her volume. "Well, you know Lee," she said soothingly. "He doesn't always think-"

"I'm not talking about Lee, I mean Zak!" Kara said angrily. "What the hell is his problem? Does he think Lee just left on a whim all those years ago?"

"Ah…" Emma wasn't quite sure what to say, so she decided to keep quiet and let Kara rant.

"Zak knows what kind of crap their mother put Lee through. And it was worse for Lee because he took the brunt of it to spare Zak. Doesn't he realise that?"

"I'm sure he does, but it was very difficult for him when Lee left-"

Kara interrupted her. "But he must see that their mother pushed Lee to the point where he was so desperate he felt he had no other choice. There's no way he would have left Zak otherwise. Hell, you know how Lee is, always feeling he has to look after everybody else. I know he still feels guilty about leaving even now, and he doesn't need Zak making things worse."

"I'm sure he doesn't," said Emma, seizing the opportunity to speak as Kara paused for breath. "So, do you think you can arrange to get Lee over here?"

A pause, and then Kara spoke in a much calmer voice. "No problem. I can swing it with the Old Man. I'll bring him over tomorrow."

"Good."

"Emma?" Kara sounded suddenly hesitant. "Thanks for your help. I didn't mean to go off at you like that."

"That's fine. I know it's not directed at me."

"It's just – this whole thing has hurt Lee so much, and…and none of it is his fault, it's their mother's, and it just makes me so angry to see him being blamed for it."

"I understand," said Emma quietly. "I'll see you tomorrow, then."

She cut the connection, mind running thoughtfully over Kara's reaction. It hadn't been at all as she had expected.

_What exactly have you done, Lee, to turn Kara Thrace into your number one champion?_

----

It took Kara some time to track Lee down. He'd been strangely elusive this last week – in fact, she'd barely seen him unless they were on CAP or working in her office. He never seemed to be around for meals, and had deserted the rec room entirely in the evenings. It worried her slightly. She could understand him spending the occasional night reading a dull book in his rack, but he never used to be this antisocial. Well, if his strange behaviour was due to him brooding over the rift with Zak, at least she should soon be able to fix that.

She finally ran him to earth in the mess, eating dinner with Kat and Hotdog. As she queued up to get her own meal, she noticed that he was chatting away with them easily enough, looking perfectly relaxed and sociable.

The sight stirred a fear that had been lurking at the back of her mind all week. Was his problem with her in particular? Was he deliberately avoiding her?

The thought hurt, and she searched for reassurance. Surely she was imagining things. Why would Lee be avoiding her? They hadn't had an argument or anything like that…well, only over his refusal to tell her what was going on between him and Zak. Maybe that was it…

She picked up her tray, and headed towards him. The three pilots were so deep in conversation that they didn't notice her approach until she put her tray down on the table.

"Evening, guys."

Kat and Hotdog looked up and smiled, returning her greeting. Lee smiled too, but it had a slightly strained quality, and wariness flashed into his eyes. Something tightened in Kara's chest at the sight, and she swallowed hard. Maybe he did have a problem with her after all.

"Sorry to interrupt," she said, keeping her voice carefully light. "I've got something I need to talk to you about, Apollo." She glanced at the other two pilots. "Would you mind giving us the table?"

"Sure," said Hotdog easily, standing up. "We'd finished eating anyway." He headed off, and Kat followed, with a curious backward glance.

Kara sat down. "Seems a long time since we've eaten together."

"Is it?" Lee looked at his watch. "Kara, is this going to take long? I promised the Chief I'd help out with the repairs backlog."

"That can wait," said Kara sharply, off a stab of hurt. Only a minute in her company and he was finding excuses to leave already. "This is important."

"Okay." Lee swallowed the last bite of his dinner. He was staring at his plate, and Kara realised that he hadn't once looked at her directly since he first saw her. That was another thing she'd noticed recently, but had tried to ignore – he never seemed to look her in the eye when they were talking together.

Something snapped inside her. She'd had enough of this. If he had a problem with her, he could damn well be upfront about it.

"Lee, what's going on?"

"Going on?" he said warily. "What do you mean?"

"Why are you avoiding me?"

A flicker of a pause. "I'm not avoiding you."

"Yes, you are." Kara could see other people looking at them curiously as her voice rose angrily. "Damn it, Lee, I've barely seen you in the last week, and when I do you always find some excuse to get away from me as soon as possible-"

"I've just been busy." He was still staring rigidly at his plate.

"Bullshit." Her hands clenched into fists under the table. "Look at me, Lee."

"What?"

"Look at me. Look me in the eye. You never do that any more. Or are you too much of a coward?"

The challenge pricked his pride, as she'd hoped it would. He looked up at her, met her gaze defiantly, although there was a flicker of anxiety in his eyes.

"There you are, Kara, I'm looking at you," he said tightly. "Happy now?"

"I will be when you admit you're avoiding me. Because I know you are, Lee. And I know why."

That got a reaction she hadn't expected. His whole body seemed to freeze for a moment, and he stared at her almost with horror. "You do?"

"Yes," she said slowly, unnerved by his reaction. "It's because you don't want to tell me about your quarrel with Zak, isn't it."

He stared at her a moment longer, and then he relaxed, that disturbing expression fading away. "Yes," he said, his voice slightly rough. "Yes, it is."

"Well, I already know what it was about," said Kara. She had a strange feeling she was missing something here, but she pushed it aside. "Zak told Emma, and she told me."

"Oh."

"So you don't need to avoid me any more."

"No." Lee smiled oddly. "No, I suppose I don't."

"Zak told Emma he wants to see you."

"He did?" Lee's face lit up. "Does that mean – he's forgiven me?"

All the anger Kara had felt when talking to Emma flared up again. "For frak's sake, Lee, don't talk like that! You don't need forgiving!"

"Yes, I do." His eyes darkened. "I left him, Kara. I let him down."

"Only because you were driven to it," she said fiercely. "If your mother hadn't-"

"Doesn't matter," he said stubbornly. "I still shouldn't have left him. And then I let him down again, going to Caprica. I wasn't there when he needed me-"

This wasn't getting anywhere, Kara realised. Time for a change of tactics.

"Okay, let's look at this logically."

She had the rare pleasure of seeing Lee completely astonished. "What did you say?"

"You're Mr Logical, aren't you?" she said, smirking inwardly. "I thought the approach would appeal to you."

Lee just stared at her.

"So, let's be logical. Maybe you _were_ wrong to leave Zak all those years ago. But what can you do about it now? Nothing, except apologise, which you already have. There's nothing more you can do – it's up to him to decide whether he can get over it and move on." She smiled sweetly. "Am I making sense so far?"

Lee nodded dumbly. It appeared using logic was an effective way to shut him up, she noted with interest.

"Right, so let's move on to you leaving Galactica. The choice there was between Zak, who was safe on Galactica, and me, who was going to face a planet of hostile Cylons all alone. Now, who was it logical to help? Who needed you more?"

"I thought you did. But Kara-"

"But nothing," she snapped. "Can you see the future? No. How could you know your dad was going to be shot? You chose based on the facts you knew at the time, and it was the logical decision, wasn't it?" He didn't reply, and she glared at him. "_Wasn't it_?"

"Yes," Lee said slowly. "Yes, I suppose it was." He sat up straighter in his chair, as if he felt suddenly lighter.

"Damn right it was. And when you go to see Zak tomorrow, you can tell him that."

"Okay." Lee was smiling, and Kara blinked. She realised she hadn't seen him smile like that, open and whole-hearted, since they got back from Caprica. Her heart lifted at the sight, and she found herself smiling back.

"I thought you hated logical arguments," he said teasingly.

"Hey, whatever works to get through your thick head." She chuckled. "So, what have you got planned for the rest of this evening?"

"Well, I was thinking of going to the gym." Lee paused, and she saw him take a deep breath. "I – I could use some company. If you like."

A lump rose in Kara's throat. Deep down, she'd been worried that this wasn't about Zak after all. That Lee was avoiding her because he really was tired of her, that he didn't want to spend time with her any more.

Looked like she had been wrong. The scale of her relief frightened her a little. She hadn't realised until now quite how central he had become to her life.

"I could be persuaded," she said with a smile, and finally started to eat her dinner.

When she'd finished, they went to the gym and competed to see who could make it to a mile first on the running machine. Lee won, much to her annoyance, so she challenged him to a race back to the bunkroom and pushed herself as hard as she could to beat him.

She grinned at him with triumph as she recovered her breath. "I've still got it."

Lee rolled his eyes. "Yes, Kara, you've still got it."

She grinned. "That was a good evening."

Lee nodded, sitting down on his bunk.

"You know, you had me worried for a while there," she said, starting to unlace her shoes.

"About what?"

She kept her eyes fixed on the floor. "That you didn't want to be friends any more. Stupid, huh?"

A pause. "Absolutely moronic," he said finally, in a tone that chased all her doubts away. "But then, I expect nothing less from you."

Kara threw her shoe at his head, and laughed as he ducked a second too late. And everything was all right again.

----

It seemed to Zak as if hardly any time had passed between his conversation with Emma and Lee's appearance by his bedside. He certainly didn't feel as if he'd had enough time to prepare for the encounter. He had no idea what to say to his brother.

He was slightly reassured to see that Lee looked equally awkward. He was tapping his fingers nervously against his thigh.

"Emma said you wanted to see me," he said slowly.

Zak nodded. "She thinks we need to talk."

"So does Kara."

"They're ganging up on us? Then we really are in trouble," said Zak, trying to lighten the mood.

It seemed to work; some of the tension faded from Lee's face as he replied. "They're both waiting outside, you know. I think they're going to keep us in here indefinitely until we figure it out."

Zak's spirits fell again at those words. "That's just the problem, Lee."

"What is?"

"I don't know if we _can_ figure this out. I don't even know what to say to you." He looked down at the bedcovers.

There was a moment of silence. Zak could feel Lee watching him, even though his head was still bent. Finally he heard Lee clear his throat decidedly.

"In that case, why don't I go first? I've got something to say to you."

"Okay."

"First, I want to apologise once more for walking out on you ten years ago. I shouldn't have done it, and I definitely shouldn't have left you in suspense for ten years over what had happened to me." Lee started out hesitantly, but his voice firmed as he went on. Looking up, Zak saw that his face was set with determination.

"I made a mistake, I know that. But Zak, there's nothing I can do about it now. What's done is done, and it's up to you to decide if you can get past that. If you can't-" Lee's voice wavered slightly. "If you can't, then there's nothing more to say."

Zak closed his eyes briefly, feeling as if the wind had been knocked out of him. When Lee decided to get to the point, he didn't pull his punches.

But he was right. There was nothing he could do now to fix that old hurt but apologise, and he'd done that. It was up to Zak to decide if he could accept that apology and move on.

"I want to get past it," he said finally. "I really do, Lee. But – I want to feel as if I can rely on you now, for help and support. And the past few weeks have showed me that I can't."

Hurt flashed across Lee's face, but he took a deep breath and replied steadily enough. "Zak, I – I promise I'll always do my best to support you, but I can't promise I'll always be there just when you need me. I can't see the future, you know. If I'd known that Dad would be shot, that the fleet would fall apart the way it did, I wouldn't have left. But I didn't know. I couldn't. I could only make the decision with the facts I had at the time, and they told me that Kara needed my help more."

Again, he was perfectly right, and Zak couldn't argue with it.

"I know." He sighed heavily. "I know I was being unfair, blaming you for not being there. I knew it even when I was saying it, but – the last few weeks have been utter hell, and I suppose I needed someone to blame, and you were the easiest target. I'm sorry."

"You don't need to apologise," said Lee quickly. "I understand. Since I got back to Galactica I've heard all about what happened while I was away, and I realise now how hard it must have been for you. I wish I had been there to help you, although-" He broke off, looking slightly rueful.

"Although what?"

"Although I'm not sure you needed it."

Zak stared at him. "What do you mean by that?"

"I've heard what you did, Zak." Lee smiled, his eyes suddenly warm. "You came up with a way to find the rest of the fleet. When the Cylons boarded, it was you who held them off and saved the ship. You freed the President, and stopped Tigh from completely destroying the fleet. And then you brought her to Kobol, meaning that we were able to find the direction to Earth. Which, from a purely personal point of view, meant that Kara and I didn't end up stranded away from the fleet, so thanks for that." He grinned. "I don't think you need me at all, Zak. You seem to be doing just fine on your own."

Lee smiled at him again, and Zak realised with a shock that pride was shining from his brother's face and ringing through his voice.

Lee was proud of him. His big brother, the one he'd always looked up to and struggled to keep up with, was proud of him. Zak's throat clogged up and he couldn't speak for a moment.

"But I hope you know that if you ever want my help, I'll always give it if I can," Lee continued, and Zak nodded.

"I know, Lee." It was a struggle to keep his voice steady.

"So…are we friends again?"

"Yes," Zak said firmly. "Yes, we are. I can get past what happened ten years ago, Lee, I promise. It might not happen overnight, but I can do it, and I will."

"I'm glad," was all Lee said, but Zak could see the depth of relief on his face.

His own relief matched it. Lee's return had filled a big hole in his life; he was glad he didn't have to live with that hole again, and this time through his own fault.

He thanked Emma silently in his head.

----

Kara and Emma looked up expectantly as Lee entered. "Well?"

"We've sorted things out," said Lee quietly.

Both women smiled. "About damn time," said Kara briskly, and got up. "And I'll go and say the same to Zak before we leave." She went into Zak's room.

Lee sat down next to Emma. "Thanks for your help. Zak said you persuaded him to talk to me."

Emma put her hand on his knee. "Don't be stupid. You know you don't have to thank me. Not after all this time."

Lee turned to smile at her. "I guess I do."

Their eyes met in understanding, but after a moment Emma's gaze sharpened and her smile faded. "Lee. Are you sure everything's okay?"

Lee looked away from her. "I'm fine."

"No, you're not."

"Damn it. How can you always tell?"

"Because I've spent far too much time stuck in a small cockpit with only you for company," Emma said sharply, and Lee found himself smiling.

"Point taken."

"Plus you've never been much good at lying. So what's wrong? Is it Zak?"

"No. It'll take time, but I think we'll be okay. It's…something else." Lee's eyes strayed involuntarily to the closed door of Zak's room. He probably shouldn't say anything, but he suddenly found that he needed to talk about it to someone, and Emma was the only person he could safely tell. "That thing you warned me about on Colonial Day."

"Oh." Emma's voice was full of sympathy. "So you didn't listen to me."

"I think it was too late by then anyway," said Lee ruefully. "I just didn't realise it. Not until Caprica."

"I'm sorry." He felt Emma reach out and take his hand. Anyone else, and he would have pulled away, but not her. They'd been through too much together for that. "What will you do?"

"Do?" Lee smiled bitterly. "There's nothing _to_ do. Kara loves Zak, and he loves her, and I wouldn't do anything to upset that even if I could. It doesn't matter how I feel."

"It does to me," said Emma firmly. "I don't like seeing you unhappy."

"I'll be alright," said Lee, with more conviction than he felt. "These feelings…they won't last. They'll fade in time."

"But it will seem a long time until they do." Emma's hand tightened on his.

"Yes. Especially when I have to see her every day."

"Couldn't you – draw back from her a bit? I know you work together, but you don't have to spend time with her outside work, do you? It would make things easier."

Lee found himself laughing, with a ragged edge to it that made Emma look at him anxiously. "I already tried that, and it didn't work."

"Why not?"

"She thought that I didn't like her any more, that I was rejecting her. She didn't say so, but I could see how much it upset her, and I – I couldn't do it, Emma. I couldn't hurt her like that. So we're close friends still, however hard it is." He tried to smile at her, to lighten the mood. "It'll get better. Especially when Zak is back on Galactica. It'll be easier to remember then, why I have to do this."

Emma didn't smile back. "I hope so, Lee."

"But you don't think I'm right?"

"It's just that…feelings aren't always that easy to destroy."

"They are if you're determined enough."

Emma didn't look convinced. "Lee – you know if you need a break, or someone to talk to, I'm always here. Don't you?"

He smiled at her, and it was a genuine smile now. "You know you don't need to tell me that. Not after all this time."


	27. Chapter 27

**Author's Note: ** The good news is that I've finally finished writing the first draft of this story (at last!), so I'll be able to speed up the posting a little - hope to post two chapters a week now. (There are still 16 chapters to go). Thanks to all my reviewers who gave me the motivation to push on writing this.

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**Chapter Twenty-Seven**

Kara turned a corner in Galactica's corridors and almost ran into Lee.

"Watch where you're going, Apollo."

"Watch it yourself." Lee grinned at her companionably and settled into step beside her.

"I've just been looking over the Chief's little project," said Kara. "It's coming along well."

Lee looked sceptical. "Come on, Starbuck. You don't really think that piece of junk is going to fly, do you?"

"Why not? Stop being so negative, Lee."

"I'm not being negative, I'm being realistic. The Chief's never built a viper before, and he doesn't have any of the proper parts-"

"Oh, lay off with the doom and gloom," said Kara impatiently. She shot him a mischievous glance. "I would have thought our recent experiences would have taught you to have a little more faith."

Lee groaned ostentatiously. "Not that debate again."

"Evening, Apollo."

Both Lee and Kara looked up at the new voice, to see Ensign Davies approaching them. She was smiling at Lee in a way that made Kara bristle inwardly. Every woman on board seemed to be looking at Lee like that ever since that damned film about Galactica had been released.

"Ensign Davies," said Lee politely, looking wary.

"Oh, you can call me Judy." She looked Lee up and down slowly, lips curving with amusement. "You know, I almost didn't recognise you without your towel."

Lee blushed immediately, turning such a vivid red that Kara stared in fascination for a moment before she collected herself. Then she grabbed Lee's arm, pushed the smirking Ensign Davies out of the way, and dragged him off up the corridor.

Gods, she was getting tired of this. She seemed to have spent the whole week pulling Lee out of potentially embarrassing encounters. Couldn't he look after himself, for frak's sake?

She glared at him. "What the hell was that blush for? I had no idea you were that easily embarrassed."

"I'm not," Lee muttered, staring at the deck. "She took me off guard."

"You should just be glad she didn't try to cop a feel."

Lee nodded, flushing again in a way that told Kara someone had definitely tried to do just that recently. The thought annoyed her, though she wasn't sure why.

"This is all that bloody reporter's fault," Lee grumbled. "She had no business being in the bunkroom in the first place-"

"Shut up, Lee. You have no-one to blame but yourself. If you'd kept your towel where it was supposed to be, none of this would be happening." Lee glared at her. "And what the hell happened there anyway? Did you never learn to tie a towel properly?"

"It slipped," said Lee between his teeth.

"Just when the camera was there? Very convenient," said Kara, smirking as Lee sent her a black scowl. She supposed she couldn't really blame her fellow crew members – the whole incident was a gods-sent opportunity for teasing him. It was just that teasing Lee was her personal hobby, and she didn't really like other people intruding on it.

"Maybe it was deliberate," she went on, grinning. "Maybe you have this secret desire to be a fleet pin-up."

"Shut up, Starbuck."

"Well, it worked. Half the female crew members seem to have stuck that picture up in their lockers."

"Frak off." This topic seemed to reduce Lee to tongue-tied embarrassment like no other, much to her secret glee.

"Don't be like that, Apollo. You'll hurt my feelings." Kara paused by the rec room hatch. "You coming in? I can kick your ass at triad, that'll make you feel better."

Lee looked at the hatch, awkwardness descending across his face again. "No, I – I think I'd better not. I'll go to the gym instead."

Kara frowned at him, confused. Why was he acting so strangely? But before she could ask he turned and headed off down the corridor.

"Don't forget to take your towel with you!" she hurled after him as a parting shot, and laughed as he turned round to give her the finger.

She was still chuckling as she entered the rec room. It seemed strangely deserted for this time of day – the only people here were Racetrack, Kat and a few of the other female pilots and deckhands, all clustered around the vid screen in a corner of the room. Kara's amusement disappeared abruptly as she realised what they were watching.

"Oh gods, not again," she exclaimed in disgust, crossing the room towards them. No wonder Lee hadn't wanted to come in here. "Haven't you lot got anything better to do with your time?"

"Than watching this?" Racetrack looked over the image of almost-naked Lee on the vid screen speculatively and grinned. "No, I really haven't."

"That is incredibly pathetic." Kara found herself getting irritated again. She enjoyed a joke as much as the next person, but this was getting out of hand.

"Hey, it's not often I get a free show, so to speak," said Racetrack, and the other women all laughed. "I'm just taking full advantage of it."

"I'd just like to take advantage in person," said Seelix, one of the deckhands. "I'll have to make sure I do the work on his bird next time it needs maintenance."

"Not if I beat you to it," said one of the other deckhands immediately, and they both laughed.

Kara bit her lip, feeling her temper rising.

"I'm just amazed I didn't notice before," said Kat, who was still staring at the screen. "I mean, I'd caught the odd glimpse of him in the showers, but I never realised the full-"

"Glory of him?" finished Racetrack, and Kara ground her teeth. Hearing them talk about Lee like that raised her hackles. "Me neither. I'll have to start paying more attention."

"No, you won't," Kara snapped out before she could stop herself. They all turned to look at her in surprise. "I mean – come on, don't you think the poor guy's suffered enough? He's too afraid to even come in the rec room-"

"So he's a shy one?" Seelix's grin broadened. "I like that."

Kara ignored her. "You should not be watching that in here-" She looked at the screen and blinked. "Especially not on freeze frame!"

"Have to make sure we don't miss anything," said Kat, and they all giggled.

Frak it. That was quite enough. Kara was going to put a stop to this, right now. It was her duty as CAG, after all.

"Turn that frakking thing off," she ordered sharply. "And you'd better not let me catch you watching it in here again. It's completely inappropriate-"

"Inappropriate?" Kat was staring at her, obviously remembering all the dubious jokes she'd heard Kara tell in the past. "_You_ think it's inappropriate?"

"Yes." Kara glared at her and was pleased to see the other woman recoil slightly. "It's practically sexual harassment."

"Sexual harassment?" said Racetrack incredulously. "It's just a bit of fun, that's all. Come on, Starbuck, lighten up. It's not like you don't appreciate the sight yourself-"

"_What_?" Kara swung round on her fiercely. "I have _not_ been watching that video!"

"You didn't need to," said Seelix. "You got a ringside view, after all."

"What the hell do you mean by that?"

"She means this." Kat picked up the remote control and pressed a few buttons. The image on the screen changed to one which showed Kara herself standing a few paces behind Lee. "See? You got the best view in the house."

"And you were totally checking him out," said Racetrack slyly.

Kara stared at the image on the screen. Her throat felt suddenly tight. "I was _not_ checking him out."

"Evidence says otherwise," said Racetrack smugly, waving at the screen, which clearly showed Kara's eyes fixed on Lee's exposed rear view. She'd never liked Kara much.

"I don't blame you," said Seelix. "Who _wouldn't_ check him out?"

"Well, I might not, if he was my boyfriend's brother," said Racetrack, watching Kara's face intently. "Don't you think there's something just a little incestuous about-"

"Shut the frak up." Kara's patience finally snapped. She snatched the remote from Kat's hand and switched off the vid screen. Ignoring the howls of protest, she stalked over to the video player and pulled out the tape.

"I'm confiscating this," she said, using her scariest CAG voice. "And if I find you watching this again anywhere on the ship, there will be hell to pay. Understand me?" She glared round at them all. "I said, do you understand me!"

She increased her glare to full force and was rewarded with a chorus of 'yes, sir', even if some of them were rather grudging.

"Good." Kara gave them one last repressive look and then headed for the hatch. She half thought she heard Racetrack murmur something about her just wanting a private viewing, but she ignored it. She couldn't punch people now she was the CAG, unfortunately.

Safely outside, she took a deep breath, trying to calm herself.

She wasn't sure why the whole thing had riled her so much. The women weren't hurting anyone, after all. She just didn't like-

Her hand clenched on the tape, and she glared down at it. Damn that bloody reporter, and damn Lee for being such an idiot in the first place. She'd smash this frakking tape to pieces, maybe that would make her feel better.

Gods, she wished she could go back and punch Racetrack. How dare she say those things about her and Lee?

Okay, so maybe she _had_ been checking him out. What was wrong with that? She was only human, wasn't she? Lee was an attractive guy, she'd thought that from the first time she'd met him. But it didn't mean anything. She had Zak, and Lee was her friend, nothing more. The whole idea was ridiculous. If she told him, he'd laugh himself silly over it.

Not that she was going to tell him. It was too stupid even to bother. Not worth another second's thought from either of them.

Besides, she had a tape to destroy.

----

Zak walked towards the Caprican Star's engine room, smiling. It was the first time in more days than he liked to remember that he'd been able to walk easily and freely, without his breath catching and pain pulling at his every step.

He should probably call his father about returning to Galactica. He was fit enough for duty now, and Dad must need him, especially with Felix gone. He should get back to the familiar spaces of Galactica and his friends' jokes and Kara's welcoming smile. But at the same time he felt strangely reluctant to leave the Caprican Star. Despite the circumstances, he'd enjoyed his time here. Enjoyed the temporary release from military discipline, the relaxed atmosphere, the camaraderie among the crew, mixing with the passengers and seeing old people and children and families again. And he'd made a good friend in Emma, one of the best he'd ever had in his life. He was going to miss her most of all.

Maybe he'd leave calling Dad till tomorrow.

He was looking for Emma now; Martin had said she was sorting out a problem in the engine room. He opened the hatch and stepped inside, wincing at the noise that greeted him.

He spotted Emma at the far end of the room and yelled her name. His voice made absolutely no impact over the din, so he walked forward and tapped her on the shoulder.

She turned, and smiled when she saw who it was, though he noticed it wasn't quite her usual smile. It didn't reach her eyes, which had deep shadows underneath them. Probably working too hard, he thought. She ran herself ragged over this ship sometimes. He'd try to get her to relax this evening, offer to cook her dinner in repayment for all the meals she'd made him.

He mouthed 'time to talk?' and pointed to the hatch, raising his eyebrows.

She nodded, and mouthed back 'just finished'. They headed towards the hatch, and were a few steps away when Zak spotted a movement out of the corner of his eye. He turned to see a small child crawl out from underneath one of the engines.

He hurried forward and grabbed hold of the girl before she could dart away again. She wriggled, and he could see her mouth move in protest, but he gripped her firmly. Turning his head, he saw Emma had opened the hatch, staring at the girl with amazement and horror, and he wasted no time in pulling the girl through it.

Emma slammed the hatch closed behind them, and the corridor was blessedly quiet – except for the little girl, who screwed up her face and began to howl.

Zak let go of her as if she was on fire, feeling suddenly guilty. He hadn't meant to hurt her; he'd just been desperate to get her out of there before she hurt herself. If she'd got caught in one of the machines…

"Don't cry," he said helplessly, squatting down beside her. "It's all right, no-one's going to hurt you."

"What's your name?" Emma had crouched down next to him. Her face was pale and strained; she must have been imagining what could have happened as clearly as he had. "Where's your mother? Let's go and find her." She held out her hand, and after a moment, the little girl took it.

"I'm Anna."

"Well Anna, let's go to the cargo hold and find your mother. She must be worried."

They'd almost reached the cargo hold when a woman hurried round the corner. She took one look at them and relief spread across her face.

"Anna!" She ran towards the girl, and pulled her into her arms. "I was so worried. Where have you been?"

"Where have you?" asked Emma, in a tone that made Zak look at her in surprise. He'd never heard her sound so cold before.

The woman stood up slowly, looking at Emma uncertainly. "I don't understand."

"Where were you?" repeated Emma, biting off each word. "Why weren't you looking after her?"

The woman turned pale. "I just-"

Emma cut her off, glaring at her. "Do you know where we found her? The engine room."

The woman turned even paler and she hugged the girl tighter.

"Do you know what could have happened to her in there? How dangerous it is?" Emma stepped towards the woman, her voice rising. "She could have been crushed or killed by one of the machines. Where were you? Why weren't you looking after her?"

"Emma!" Zak had never seen her so angry before. The woman had been careless, yes, but she didn't deserve this. He put a restraining hand on her arm, but she shook it off.

Tears sprang to the woman's eyes. "I'm sorry, I didn't - I only turned my back for a minute-"

"Well, you shouldn't have!" Emma was shouting now. "You shouldn't have taken your eyes off her for a second. Don't you realise she could have died?" She stared at the woman with disgust. "People like you don't deserve to have children."

"Emma, that's enough." Zak couldn't stand aside any longer. "Leave her alone." He put his hand on her arm again, and she whirled round on him.

"Take your hands off me." He saw with a shock that her eyes were glittering with tears.

"Emma, what-"

"Just leave me alone!" Her face twisted and she jerked out of his hold and almost ran away down the corridor.

Zak stared after her, utterly bewildered. He'd never seen Emma lose her calm like that before. What the hell was going on?

Maybe he should follow her. See if there was anything he could do – he glanced back at the mother, but she was fully occupied scolding her daughter and obviously in no need of further help. He ran off in pursuit of Emma, just catching sight of her as she disappeared round the next turn in the corridor.

He realised shortly that she was heading to her cabin, so he followed more slowly. When he got there he realised just how upset she must be; she hadn't bothered to close the hatch behind her, and he could hear her crying inside.

He paused outside, uncertain whether to disturb her. He didn't want to intrude, but there was something in the way she was sobbing that pulled at him. He thought of all the times she had helped him and comforted him in the last few weeks, and knew he couldn't just leave her, not in this state. So he took a deep breath and entered the cabin, quietly closing the hatch behind him.

She must have heard it swing shut, but she didn't look up, not even when he sat on the bed beside her and put a tentative arm around her shoulder. But she didn't shrug it off this time, and that encouraged him.

"Emma, what's wrong? What is it?"

She didn't answer, just continued to cry, great heaving sobs that shook her whole body. She still didn't look up, and after a moment Zak realised that she was staring at something she was holding in her hand.

It was a photo, and she was clutching it so hard the edges were crumpling. A photo of a little girl.

"Who's that?" he said gently, though he didn't really need to ask. The girl had dark hair and serious grey eyes that were all too familiar.

He didn't think she was going to reply, but then she hiccupped and got the words out. "My daughter."

----

One thing Kara really hadn't missed about Galactica and being the CAG was the paperwork. The morning after she confiscated the tape found her sitting in her office struggling with next week's CAP rosters and cursing bitterly.

"Something wrong?"

She looked up to see Lee in the hatchway, eyebrows lifted with amusement. She scowled at him.

"I could hear you halfway down the corridor. Impressive vocabulary, by the way."

"Frak off, Apollo."

"Oh, now you're just not putting any effort into it." He closed the hatch behind him and walked over to the desk to stand beside her. "Flight rosters. Now I understand."

"It's this damned mid shift. I'm one pilot short, and I can't see how to fill the gap."

"Can I have a look?"

Kara nodded and he stepped closer, leaning over the desk. His arm brushed against hers and Kara shifted her chair back a little.

"Hm…I see the problem." Lee was looking through the papers, frowning in concentration. Kara stared at his back, thinking that if he solved the problem in a few minutes after she'd been staring at it for hours she was going to frakking kill him.

"What if you moved Hotdog from the late shift…oh, but that would leave…" Lee leaned further forward, his tanks pulling up to reveal an inch of bare skin, and Kara found herself staring at it. Suddenly her mind conjured up an unwanted image of exactly what else was under those tanks, flashing back to that image on the vid screen…

_Oh gods._ What the hell was she thinking? Damn that frakking tape. She tore her eyes away and pushed her chair back so violently it collided with the wall.

Lee turned in surprise at the noise. "Are you all right?"

Kara gritted her teeth. "I'd be fine if I could get out of this frakking office." The room suddenly seemed entirely too small.

"Well maybe I can help with that." Lee smiled, and she bit the inside of her lip. "How about this – if you move Hotdog to fill the gap on the midshift, and put Duck in to fill the late shift-"

"But Duck's on the early shift. That will only give him a five hour break between CAPs."

"Yeah, but Cottle will have released Wingnut from life station by then, so he'll be back on the rota and you can give Duck a full day off."

Kara moved her chair back to the desk, scanning the rosters. He was right. "That might just work." All right, maybe she wouldn't kill him after all. "You do have your uses, Lee."

"I'm overwhelmed by such praise," he said drily, as she scribbled in the changes.

"One of which is your handwriting." She stacked the papers together and held them out to him. "There you are, all ready for you to copy."

Lee took the papers, but he didn't move away. Instead he looked down at her with an expression that Kara didn't like at all. That was his resolved and serious expression, and she'd learnt over the last few months to be wary of it. It usually meant that he was gearing himself up to say something she wouldn't like.

Today proved to be no different. "Speaking of Cottle-"

Kara cut him off abruptly. "No, Lee, let's not." She knew exactly where this was heading.

Maddeningly, he just fixed her with a stubborn blue stare and kept going. "Have you been to see him yet about your scar?"

Kara stood up abruptly and stalked over to the other side of the office, suddenly unable to look at him. She really didn't want to talk about this. She wrenched a drawer of the filing cabinet open violently and it screamed in protest.

"I'll take that as a no," said Lee wryly from behind her. "Why not?"

"Just leave it, Apollo." She stared down at the drawer, feeling sick as the memories rushed back. She'd buried them deep in the weeks since leaving Caprica, refused to think about the farm or the scar or anything to do with it.

"Kara, you need to find out what they did-"

"No, I don't!" She slammed the drawer shut with a crash that shook the whole room, and whirled on him, eyes blazing.

"Don't you?" he asked, with a calm that infuriated her. "So you're not worried at all about what they might have done to you?" He took a step forward, eyes intent on her face.

"No." She glared at him defiantly.

He took another step forward. "So you don't have nightmares about it?"

Kara flinched inwardly. _How did he know?_

Of course he knew. He had the bunk opposite hers – he must have heard her. The thought made her feel desperately vulnerable and fury filled her.

"No, I don't," she denied angrily.

"Don't lie to me, Kara. I've heard you crying out in your sleep-"

Her fist lashed out instinctively, connecting with his jaw almost before she was aware of having thrown the punch.

"I told you to leave it!" she screamed at him.

"Well, I won't!" he yelled back, rubbing a hand across his jaw. The calmness had gone now, and his eyes were bright with anger. "I won't sit back and watch it eat you alive like this!"

"It's not."

"The hell it's not. I've heard your nightmares, Kara. I've seen you rub that scar when you think no-one's looking." His eyes dropped downwards, and Kara realised with a shock she was doing exactly that now. She jerked her hand away, cursing herself.

"Kara, please go and see Cottle." His voice softened. "Get him to check you out. It'll be better if you know."

Kara wanted to snap back at him, but she couldn't. Not when he was looking at her with that damned concerned, almost tender, look in his eyes, the one that warmed her even as it scared her to death. Her anger wasn't proof against that.

"Maybe it's better not to know," she said desperately. "What if they did-" She couldn't finish the sentence. The possibilities scared her too much. Tears sprang to her eyes, and she blinked them away.

"And what if they didn't?" he said gently.

"Don't you dare bring logic into this, damn you." She did her best to scowl at him, but it was hard when her lips wouldn't stop trembling.

"Or what? You'll punch me again?" He smiled at her, his eyes suddenly soft.

"Don't think I won't."

"Kara, please think about this. Wouldn't it be better to know? At least then you can deal with it, fight it. Better that than running away from it."

She stiffened at that. "I'm not running away."

"Aren't you?"

Yes, she was. Damn him. And damn him again for being right. She was glad she'd punched him.

"All right," she said grudgingly, staring at the deck. "I'll go and see Cottle." She heard Lee sigh in relief. "But only if-"

"Only if what?"

It was a struggle to get the words out. It went against the grain to ask for help from anyone, and she hated the Cylons all the more for reducing her to it.

"Only if you come with me."

There was a pause, and she braced herself for a refusal.

"Of course I will," he said, sounding surprised. "But…wouldn't you prefer Zak to-"

"No," she said curtly. "You."

Another pause. "You haven't told him, have you?" She could feel him staring at her bent head.

"No." She forced herself to look up at him. He was still watching her with that concerned expression, as if he wanted to wrap her up and protect her from everything that might hurt her. Which was ridiculous, because she didn't need protecting. She was more than capable of looking after herself, and if anyone tried to protect her, she'd kick their ass for it, even Zak.

So why the hell didn't it offend her when Lee looked at her like that? She didn't know.

"You should tell him, Kara. He could help."

"I will," she muttered. "There just hasn't been time." And that was a complete lie from start to finish. She had no intention of telling Zak, but she wasn't going to admit that to Lee, or admit why. Couldn't admit how dirty, how violated, the Cylons' invasion of her body had made her feel. Couldn't admit that she was afraid that if Zak knew about it, he'd see her as contaminated, would turn away from her in disgust.

_Why would he?_ A small voice inside her asked. _Lee hasn't._

But Lee was different. Lee had been on Caprica, had seen the horror of the farms with his own eyes, and that alone meant he understood in a way Zak couldn't.

And she was afraid it would change the way Zak saw her. Because the Kara he loved was bright and strong and fearless, not weak and plagued by nightmares. Maybe he wouldn't love that Kara. Maybe he'd see what she'd always fought to conceal from him, how broken and damaged she was under that confident and brazen surface. Maybe he'd turn away.

But Lee…she knew Lee wouldn't turn away. She remembered the way he'd gripped her hand that night in her flat when she told him about her mother, how he'd held her in his arms that last night on Caprica and kept her nightmares at bay so she could sleep. She knew that she could trust him, not only to see her vulnerable, but also not to reveal those vulnerabilities to anyone else.

"I want _you _to come with me," she said firmly, and he nodded.


	28. Chapter 28

**Chapter Twenty Eight**

_My daughter._ Those two words explained so much to Zak, and his heart ached for Emma. He tightened his arm around her shoulders.

He heard Emma take a deep breath, struggling against the tears. "Today…today would have been her eighth birthday."

_Would have been._ No need to ask what had happened to her. Exactly what had happened to Zak's mother and the rest of Emma's family.

"What was her name?" he asked, trying to give her an opening to talk, if that was what she wanted.

"Vanessa."

"That's a pretty name."

"I got it out of a book I read as a child."

"_The Five Portents_," said Zak, and she looked at him in surprise, eyes red and swollen. "It was one of my favourites too." He looked down again at the photo. "Eight years old. You must have been very young when she was born."

"Nineteen." Emma's voice still sounded shaky. "I was a student still."

A piece fell into place for Zak suddenly. "So that was why you never finished training to be a doctor."

"Yes. I made a mistake, just like the ignorant Geminese girl I was trying to pretend I wasn't." Emma stroked a finger over the photo, face twisting. "Though once I had her I could never see it as a mistake."

"No. I can see that." Zak didn't want to pry, but he thought it might help her to talk about it. Her outburst in the corridor had worried him, and it couldn't be healthy for her to bottle it all up like this. "What about her father?"

"He was another student. He didn't want to know, offered to pay for me to get rid of her. But I couldn't." Emma laughed jerkily. "I'm too Geminese for that. So I went home instead. Back to my parents."

"That must have been hard." Zak had had several Geminese friends at fleet academy, and knew enough about their traditions to know that it was one of the few places in the Colonies where unmarried pregnancy was still frowned upon. Even the most liberal of Geminese parents would not have been pleased. "Did they – turn you away?"

"Oh no, they would never have done that. They let me stay. But – after Vanessa was born, I realised that they didn't want me to keep her. They had assumed I would have her adopted, even started making arrangements."

"But you didn't want to do that."

"No." Emma's face set stubbornly. "I couldn't. I wanted to bring her up myself. But they wouldn't hear of it, and we argued – and in the end I left. And I never saw them again, as things turned out." Her face crumpled slightly. "I wish now I had got back in touch. Hadn't left things like that."

"You couldn't have known. None of us knew." Zak thought of his own mother, dying without knowing Lee was still alive, and tightened his arm around her. He shook the memory away. "So you brought Vanessa up on your own?"

"Yes. I moved back to Caprica, got a job waitressing. But it barely made enough money to pay for the childcare. I tried to get something else, but I had no qualifications, no experience – except in one thing."

"Flying."

"Yes. So I got a job as a cargo pilot. It was just short trips around Caprica, so I was never away for more than a week, and I paid a woman to look after Vanessa while I was gone."

"So when did you start on inter-planetary runs?"

"When Vanessa was three. I was barely making enough to cover the bills, and inter-planet paid so much better, and I – I didn't want her to have to make do, to scrape by. I wanted more than that for her."

"Of course you did," he said reassuringly. He could hear the guilt in her voice. "Every parent does."

"I hated to leave her, but I came back to Caprica between every trip." It sounded like a well-rehearsed argument. "I wrote to her every week-" she broke off, burying her face in her hands. "Oh, what does it matter? It wasn't enough. I should have had her with me, but-"

"But you didn't want her to grow up like you did," said Zak, suddenly understanding. He remembered the conversation they'd had about her childhood weeks before, how she'd felt she missed out.

"Yes. I wanted her to grow up in one place, go to school, have friends – not move from place to place, never feeling she belonged anywhere. I wanted her to grow up in the sun, play on the grass, not in metal corridors and cold space." Emma's voice broke. "But – at least she'd have been alive."

"Emma-"

"I should have kept her with me. Then she would have been safe, she'd still be with me."

"Emma, don't." She was crying again now, and Zak pulled her fully into his arms, trying to soothe her. She resisted for a moment, but he held firm, and suddenly the tension went out of her and her head fell against his shoulder. "You can't blame yourself. You couldn't have known." He could feel her struggling against the tears and he stroked her hair soothingly. "Don't fight it, Emma. Let it all come out. You'll feel better."

She let go then, and he held her while she cried, and patted her back, and wondered if this was the first time since it happened that she had let herself cry. He thought that maybe it was. She had probably felt she had too many duties and responsibilities to give in to her grief, maybe felt too guilty to mourn properly.

He couldn't help but admit that a tiny part of him was relieved to see her like this, much though it shamed him. She'd always seemed so calm, so efficient, so sensible – it was reassuring to see that she was human after all, that she had her weaknesses and her demons just like everybody else. And it touched him that she had let him be the one to see them, had trusted him enough to let him comfort her. He felt closer to her in that moment than he ever had before.

It was nice to be leaned on for a change, to be able to help. Kara never let him do that, never took the support he tried to offer. He could tell from her face every time Caprica was mentioned that something bad had happened to her there, but she wouldn't talk about it, no matter how many opportunities he gave her, and that hurt. At least Emma didn't think he was too weak to comfort her.

After a while – he wasn't sure how long – Emma's tears finally subsided, and she straightened, wiping her eyes.

"I'm sorry." She looked embarrassed. "I didn't mean you to-"

"Don't apologise," he said firmly. "You don't need to. After all you've done for me in the last few weeks, it was the least I could do."

She shifted awkwardly. "I'm still sorry. I never – I can't believe I – oh gods, did I really shout at that poor woman?" A dark flush spread over her face.

"Emma, stop it." Zak reached out and pushed her chin up gently, making her look at him. Her grey eyes met his uncertainly. "Don't beat yourself up over this. Everyone has a breaking point, and you reached yours today. Don't blame yourself for it. You can't be strong for ever."

She still looked embarrassed, but she didn't look away. "I suppose not. It was just – I'd been on edge all day – her birthday – and then seeing that girl – it was just too much-"

"I know."

"I'll go and see the mother – apologise," she said determinedly.

"If it'll make you feel better."

Emma smiled at him shyly. "I think you already did that. Thank you for making me talk about her. I needed to. I didn't realise that, but I needed to."

"You hadn't before?" She shook her head, confirming his suspicions. "Not even to Lee?"

"No. Lee knows about all her, of course, but – he tried to get me to talk about it, but I just couldn't. It hurt too much."

"Maybe you just had to wait for the right time."

"Or the right person." Emma smiled at him, so brightly that it took his breath away for a moment. "Thank you, Zak. Thanks for everything. I'm glad you were here."

----

The wait outside Cottle's office seemed endless. Kara sat staring blankly at the wall opposite her. It took every ounce of determination she had to stay there and wait for the results of her tests, when every instinct was screaming at her to bolt out of life station and run as far away as she could. She found herself digging her nails into her palms so hard that she drew blood; somehow the pain focused her, made the wait easier.

So did Lee, sitting quietly beside her. If he hadn't been there, solid and reassuring, she could never have gone through with this.

Finally Cottle appeared in front of them, holding a clipboard.

"Results are back." Kara couldn't get any clues from his face; it was as inscrutable as ever. "Come into my office, Captain."

Kara stood up shakily. Lee made to follow her, but Cottle put a restraining hand on his arm. "Just the Captain, Lieutenant."

"No," Kara said harshly. "No, I want him there."

Cottle looked from her to Lee and back again, eyebrows raised curiously. "All right." He waved them both into his office and closed the door behind them. "Take a seat."

Kara was glad to sit down. She was mortified by the way her knees were shaking, and she didn't want either of them to see it. Lee took the seat next to her, squeezing her shoulder as he did so. She turned to look at him and he smiled; just briefly, but it steadied her.

She was Starbuck, she reminded herself. If she could face eight raiders on her own, she could face this. She took a deep breath and turned to Cottle, her chin lifting.

"So what's the verdict, doc? Give it to me straight."

Cottle looked at her with a hint of approval. "All right, Captain. The scans showed that part of your right ovary is missing."

"Missing?"

"Surgically removed," Cottle said grimly.

"Why would they do that?" said Lee, and Kara thanked him silently for asking the question she couldn't quite form.

"Well, from what you have told me about the Cylons' facility on Caprica, they probably took it to test Captain Thrace's fertility. Or possibly to remove the egg cells for experiments."

"Experiments?" Kara laughed harshly. "For test tube babies. That's what you mean, isn't it, doc?"

Cottle sighed. "Yes." Kara appreciated his bluntness for once. She'd rather that than he tried to pussyfoot round the facts.

She forced herself to ask the next question. "So – is that all they did? They didn't put anything in?" Deep down, that was what she had feared the most, that they'd put something alien in her body.

"No," said Cottle firmly. "I did every scan and ran every test I could think of, and nothing abnormal showed up. It appears they took a sample of your ovary, and that's all." Kara took a full breath for the first time since she'd walked into his office. "I have to tell you that the loss may mean you have difficulty getting pregnant in the future."

Kara laughed harshly, and saw Lee glance at her anxiously. "Well, I don't think I need to worry about that. I'm too busy killing Cylons to think about having children."

She expected a sarcastic reply, but Cottle just nodded. It unnerved her, and suddenly she needed to be out of this office, away from the hospital smell.

"Is that all? Anything else I need to know?"

Cottle shook his head. "No, Captain. You can go now."

Kara sprang to her feet, almost tripping over her chair in her haste to get out of the office. She strode out of life station, not stopping until she was around the bend of the corridor and out of sight. Then she leant back against the bulkhead and closed her eyes.

"Kara."

She opened her eyes to see Lee standing in front of her. He was doing his best not to look anxious, but it was leaking through anyway. _If he asks me if I'm okay, I'm going to punch him._

But he didn't. "At least you know," he said instead.

"Yeah." She closed her eyes briefly. "Lee, I can't – I can't talk about it. Not now. I feel like I'm going to frakking explode. Don't push me."

"All right."

"And don't be nice to me either." If he did she might break down, and she wasn't going to give the Cylons the satisfaction.

"All right." He was watching her consideringly. "How about we go shoot something instead?"

"What?" She stared at him in surprise.

"Let's go to the firing range."

She stared at him for another moment, thinking about it. Imagining the feel of a gun in her hands, the release of firing it, of channelling all the rage and panic roiling inside her.

"Yes," she breathed in gratitude. "Yes, that's exactly what I need."

----

Shooting did make her feel better. The tension in her chest lightened as she made her first shot, and she emptied her clip without a pause, breathing more easily with each shot.

"Wow. Someone's feeling aggressive," said Hotdog. He'd already been in the firing range when they arrived.

Kara didn't reply, just pressed the button to retrieve the target. She could see Lee mouthing 'shut up' at Hotdog out of the corner of her eye.

She retrieved her target and discovered she hadn't missed once. She fingered the holes in Sharon's face, supposing she ought to feel uncomfortable about using the image of the woman who was carrying her friend's child as a target, but she didn't. At the moment she couldn't think of Sharon as Sharon, just as one of the machines who had captured her and mutilated her body, and all she wanted was to destroy every last one of them, to make them pay for all the pain and anguish they had put her through.

"Here," said Lee, handing her a reloaded gun. Kara took it, clipped in a fresh target, and began firing again.

With every shot she felt better, more in control. Every explosion reminded her that she wasn't helpless, wasn't as weak as the farm had made her feel. She could fight back – hell, she _had_ fought back. She'd escaped from the farm, got the Arrow of Apollo back to the fleet, shot down gods knew how many raiders since she got back.

The thought of what the Cylons might be doing with the cells they had stolen from her made her stomach churn, made her want to crawl into a dark corner and hide, but she wouldn't. She'd fight back against it. She wouldn't let them win.

She realised that her gun was empty again, and that Lee was holding out another. She smiled at him, and it must have showed she was feeling better, because his face lightened, the lines in his forehead smoothing away.

"Better?" he said softly, and she nodded.

"Much. This was a good idea. Thanks Lee." She didn't know how she'd have got through this without him.

"I thought you might need to shoot something. I know I did." There was a flash of anger in his face that took her by surprise. "I keep thinking if I'd only got to you sooner-"

"Don't." She put a hand on his arm. "You got there as soon as you could." She shot a quick glance at Hotdog, who was studiously not listening to their conversation. "We can't talk about this here."

Lee nodded.

She turned to Hotdog, pasting on her brightest Starbuck smile. "So, Hotdog, what do you think of the Chief's new project? Will he get it to fly?"

She heard Lee snort behind her. "Not a chance in hell."

She turned to look at him, grinning. "Bet you fifty cubits he gets it in the air."

"Yeah, right. Who's going to be stupid enough to fly it?"

Hotdog laughed. "Don't look at me."

"I'll fly it." Kara said, and then wondered what had possessed her to say so. It must be reaction to all the stress she'd been through in the last few hours; she was feeling strangely light-headed.

"You?" Lee was laughing now. "The mighty CAG is going to fly that piece of junk?"

"Why not?" She turned to face him, taking a step closer. "At least the Chief is doing something positive, not standing around whining-"

"Whining?" The look on Lee's face made her giggle. "I'm not whining."

"You are."

"Am not."

"Are." She giggled again, trying to catch her breath. Why was her heart thumping so hard all of a sudden?

"Am not," said Lee stubbornly.

There was a crash from behind her. Kara turned slowly to see Hotdog sprawled on the ground. She started giggling again, unable to stop herself, and could hear Lee doing the same beside her.

_This is wrong,_ she thought vaguely, _something's wrong,_ but she couldn't hold on to the thought, everything was too blurred. She looked down at Hotdog and started laughing again as she saw his mouth.

"His lips are blue." She looked at Lee and grinned, pointing at his mouth. "So are yours. You look like a blueberry."

Lee blinked at her. For a second his smile faded and there was a flicker of fear in his eyes.

"There's no oxygen in here," he said, stumbling over the words. "There's no oxygen in here. There's no oxygen-"

"I get it!"

He tottered over to the hatch, pulled at it uselessly. "Locked."

Kara's gaze moved to the glass window in the hatch. She raised her gun and started firing.

"Missed."

She swore and pulled the trigger again, but nothing happened. It took her a moment to realise why. "I'm empty."

Lee blinked at her. Then he grabbed an explosive round from the shelf beside him and walked towards her. She went to meet him and they stumbled into each other, the impact sending them both sprawling to the floor.

Kara tried to get up again, but she couldn't. It felt like lead weights were dragging down her limbs.

_You have to move,_ she thought, _you're going to die…_but the words didn't seem real, had no urgency. She was so damn tired…

She felt a hand on her wrist and realised Lee was loading the gun. She heard the bullets click into place.

Lee tried to raise the gun to shoot, but his arm was shaking. She summoned the last of her strength and put her hand over his, steadying him, helping him to lift his arm.

They took the shot together, and the window shattered.

Air. Beautiful recycled air. Kara took deep gulping breaths, her head dropping onto Lee's shoulder. She realised she was laughing again, couldn't stop herself, and then she felt him shaking against her and realised he was too.

She had to stop. It wasn't funny…they'd nearly died…but they hadn't. She savoured the sensations around her, breathing life in…the cotton feel of Lee's tanks under her cheek, the scent of sweat as she pressed her face against his neck, the reassuring solidity of his body against hers.

She heard him murmur her name and raised her head to find him looking down at her, the bright vitality of those blue eyes piercing her even through those stupid goggles. She felt a wave of relief swamp her, that he was still there. What would she have done if she lost him…?

She felt him shift slightly so he was on his side facing her. He put a hand on her cheek, looking at her anxiously. Her eyes met his and everything blurred around her, until she was lost in his gaze.

She was never sure, afterwards, which of them moved first. Maybe they both did. All she knew was that somehow her lips brushed against his, and clung there, and then she was kissing him, and nothing else really mattered.


	29. Chapter 29

**Chapter Twenty Nine**

For a long moment Kara drifted. Everything had faded away but Lee, the warmth of his mouth, the gentle brush of his fingers as he stroked her cheek and then tangled his hand in her hair, pulling her towards him. She followed his lead, pressing her lips closer against his, opening her mouth and running her own fingers through his hair. She couldn't think, could do nothing but drown in sensation, touch and taste and smell, and vaguely wonder why she hadn't done this before…

…and then the pounding of running feet against metal and a raised voice shattered the spell. Reality rushed back with a vengeance, and memory along with it.

_Zak._

She jerked her mouth away from Lee's and rolled back from him just as an anxious face appeared through the shattered window in the hatch.

"Captain Thrace? Is that you?" A marine she didn't recognise. "We heard a shot…"

"We…lost oxygen in here." Kara pulled herself to her feet. It was incredibly difficult to gather her thoughts, to get the words out. "The hatch was jammed – we had to shoot the window."

"I'll see if I can open it from this side," said the marine.

"Be quick," said Lee, and Kara jumped at the sound of his voice. "We've got an unconscious man in here who needs medical attention." Of course, Hotdog. Kara realised guiltily that she'd forgotten all about him.

"Yes, sir." The marine disappeared to tinker with the hatch controls.

The silence in the room was suddenly acutely uncomfortable. Kara stared at Lee as he slowly got to his feet, feeling colder and colder by the second.

_Oh gods, what have I done?_

But she knew what she'd done. She'd frakked everything up, just as she always did. She'd betrayed Zak, and probably ruined her friendship with Lee into the bargain – he must be horrified at what had just happened…

_Must he? He wasn't exactly pushing you away._

She gathered her courage and looked at him. Much to her surprise, there was no sign of the horror or bewilderment she felt in his face. He was pale, and looked a little shaken, but otherwise…he looked sad more than anything else.

"Kara-" he said, and took a step towards her.

She moved back, instinctively retreating. She had no idea what to say to him.

At that moment the hatch creaked open and the marine appeared through the gap. Kara swung round, so grateful for the distraction she could have hugged him.

"I've called life station," he said, stepping into the room. "They're sending a med team up now."

"Thank you," said Kara. "I don't know what happened – suddenly all the oxygen drained away."

The marine shrugged. "Something weird's going on. Last few hours, we've had hatches jamming, wires shorting out – half the equipment on board seems to be malfunctioning."

Kara frowned. That didn't sound good. She was asking for more details when Cottle arrived with a med team in tow. He loaded Hotdog onto a stretcher and headed off to life station, dragging a protesting Kara and Lee in his wake.

"I don't care if you feel fine, Captain. Oxygen deprivation can have serious consequences and you are not going anywhere until I've given you the all clear."

It wasn't the medical check-up that Kara minded, although she'd had more than enough of life station for one day. It was the fact that afterwards she ended up sitting next to Lee outside Cottle's office waiting for his verdict, a gulf of agonising silence between them.

They sat one chair apart, keeping a careful distance. Lee was staring down at his clasped hands, and after one quick glance at him Kara stared at the opposite wall, gathering her courage to speak.

Her mind had been running over and over what had happened between them throughout Cottle's examination, like a trapped mouse on a wheel. Wondering what madness had possessed her, to risk her relationship with Zak like that. Because she loved him, and the thought of losing him, losing the security of his presence in her life, scared her to death. She couldn't understand why she had done it. Maybe it was just that she and Zak had been apart for too long, and she'd subconsciously started to use Lee as a substitute for him…no, that wasn't it. Lee could never be a substitute for Zak; the brothers were far too different for that. He had carved out his own place in her life – he was her partner, her confidant, her sounding board. Just as central to her life as Zak, but different. And his place was just as her friend, nothing more. Anything else would only lead to disaster all round.

So she struggled to find an acceptable reason for their idiotic behaviour, one which would enable them to dismiss the whole incident and pretend it had never happened.

"It was losing the oxygen," she said finally.

"What was?" Out of the corner of her eye she saw Lee lift his head and turn to look at her.

"You know what," she snapped. "Cottle said that lack of oxygen makes you light-headed, behave out of character. That's why we couldn't stop laughing, and that's why we – why it happened."

Silence.

"Probably reaction as well. We almost died. It's like when you have a close call on CAP, afterwards you need to feel you're alive." She swallowed hard and forced herself to turn to look at him. "Don't you agree?"

Lee didn't answer for a long moment, just looked at her with that same sad expression she'd seen back in the firing range. There was a touch of resignation about it, and some other emotion that she couldn't quite identify.

"Yes," he said finally, as if the word was hard to get out. "I'm sure that was it. An effect of the oxygen loss. Nothing more."

"Nothing more," said Kara firmly. Of course it wasn't. It had been a moment of madness, that was all.

The awkward silence was broken by Adama's arrival.

"Cottle told me what happened. Are you okay?" He spoke to both of them, but Kara could see that his eyes were fixed anxiously on Lee.

So she kept silent, forcing Lee to answer. Maybe this incident might thaw his relationship with his father a little. They seemed to have been locked into some kind of frozen stand-off ever since Lee's return from Caprica.

Typically, however, Lee didn't exactly seize the opportunity. "Cottle's cleared us for duty, sir," he said stiffly.

"I'm glad to hear that, Lieutenant." Adama was equally formal, and Kara had to stifle the urge to shake both of them. She didn't say anything, though. Intervening between Lee and Zak was one thing; doing the same with Lee and his father was a minefield on a whole other level.

"Do you have any idea what caused the environmental controls to malfunction?" Lee asked.

Adama looked grim. "Not yet, but these incidents have been happening all over the ship. Power outages, equipment short circuiting. Kelly thinks it's a problem with the computer system, but he doesn't have the knowledge to identify what."

"Have you called Zak?" Lee's tone was flatter than usual, and Kara couldn't look at him.

"Yes. He was due back on duty in the next few days anyway, so I ordered him back here immediately. It'll be easier if he looks at the system directly." Adama looked at his watch. "I'd better get back to CIC. I just wanted to check up on you both." His eyes were fixed on Lee again.

"Thank you, sir." Lee saluted, and Adama's eyes flickered with some emotion that Kara couldn't identify, but he left without saying anything more.

Silence descended again.

"It's good, isn't it," said Lee eventually. "That Zak's coming back. I mean, _I_ think it's a good thing." He was staring at the floor again.

"Yes. Yes, it is," said Kara, wondering why the words were so hard to say. She knew what Lee was getting at. It _was_ a good thing that Zak was coming back, restoring everything to the way it had been before Caprica, the way everything was supposed to be. "I think I'll go down to the hangar bay and meet him."

Lee nodded. Kara stared at his bent head, and wished desperately that it was that easy. Because things _weren't_ the same as they had been before Caprica, much as she wished otherwise. Something had changed between her and Lee there, although she wasn't entirely sure what or how.

The surest indicator of that was that as bitterly as she regretted kissing him, part of her couldn't stop imagining what it would be like to do it again.

Lee was right. It was definitely a good thing that Zak was coming back. She needed him to stop her frakking everything up any more than she already had.

----

Zak pulled his duffel bag closed and swung it over his shoulder, looking round the small room one more time to make sure he hadn't forgotten anything. The urgent call from his father had finally put an end to his procrastinating, and it was time to leave.

"Need an escort to the landing bay?"

He turned to see Emma in the hatchway, and smiled. "Why? Do you think I'll get lost?"

"Best not to take any chances." She smiled back, but there was a hint of sadness in her eyes. "It's going to be odd, you not being here. I'd…got used to it."

Zak walked out into the corridor, and they set off side by side. "Me too." He shot her a surreptitious glance. "I'll keep in touch."

"I know you will." Emma caught the glance and rolled her eyes at him. "I'll be all right, Zak." Her mouth twisted ruefully. "I think I've had my emotional meltdown for the year."

Zak didn't smile back. Her breakdown was still too fresh in his memory for him to be able to joke about it. She had such a stressful job too, running this ship. "Emma, you know – promise me you'll call me if you need me. If you ever need to talk. About anything."

"Thank you." She stopped and turned to look at him. For once her brisk practical façade had dropped away, and she smiled at him softly. "I will. But only if you'll promise me you'll do the same."

"I will," he said, and their eyes met in understanding, the moment suddenly charged with a gravity he hadn't intended.

He sought for a lighter tone, feeling awkward. "You don't have to call me just when you need a shoulder to cry on, you know. If you ever have an evening off, I certainly owe you a drink on Cloud Nine."

Emma's lips curved with amusement. "For what? Saving your life, or talking you through your family troubles?" She grinned. "I think either deserves more than one drink."

Zak grinned. "Maybe I'll throw dinner in as well, then."

"Then it's settled. Next time I can get away from here, we're off to Cloud Nine."

----

Zak was mildly surprised to find Kara waiting for him when his raptor docked on Galactica, and even more so when she greeted him with a hug and a kiss in front of the deck crew. Public displays of affection weren't usually Kara's style.

"I thought Dad told us to be discreet?" he murmured as she drew back.

It was the wrong thing to say; her face tightened. "I think today counts as an exception. Gods, Zak, you've been away for weeks."

He had. Maybe that was why being back here felt so strange. "I'm sorry, Kara. I am glad to see you." He grinned at her meaningfully. "And I bet I'll be even gladder later. Cottle's given me the all-clear."

For a moment she stared at him with an expression in her face that he couldn't identify, but then she grinned back. "You bet right. I'll make you gladder than you've ever been in your life."

And there they were, back in their teasing routine, easy and familiar. So why did something about it seem strained? It was just that they had been apart so long, Zak thought. Everything would be back to normal soon.

Maybe he should change the subject. He looked around the hangar bay. "Lee not with you?"

"Why should he be?"

Zak raised his eyebrows at her sharp tone. "No reason," he said mildly. "I just thought he might have come to meet me, that's all. And the two of you spend a lot of time together."

"He's just my wingman. That doesn't mean we're joined at the hip."

"Never said you were." Zak frowned, puzzled by her sudden defensiveness. "What's wrong with you, Kara?"

"Nothing's wrong." She blinked, seeming to recollect herself. "Sorry Zak, I'm just a little tired, that's all." She smiled awkwardly, and he couldn't see it wasn't all, but he let it go. He didn't want to push it and start an argument.

"I'd better get up to CIC," he said instead. "Dad said he needed me urgently. Maybe you could fill me in on what's been happening on the way?"

----

Kara's account of what had been happening made Zak uneasy. All these freak malfunctions seemed to point to one cause, and a quick check of the computer system confirmed his suspicions.

"It's a cylon logic bomb," he told his father and Tigh heavily. "A heuristic computer virus. It – it must have got in when we networked the computers to find the fleet. I thought we'd pulled the plug in time, but obviously not. I'm sorry," he went on, feeling acutely guilty. "It was my fault, I should never have suggested the network. But at the time it seemed the only way-"

"Don't worry about it," said Bill firmly, cutting him off. "What's done is done, and you made the right decision at the time. Both of you," he added, looking at Tigh, who Zak suddenly realised was looking equally guilty. "The question is now – what can we do about it?" He looked back at Zak. "Can you destroy the virus?"

Zak took a deep breath. He hated to let his father down, especially when he'd been called over specifically to help, but there was no point in lying, or raising false hopes. "I'll do my best, but – I don't hold out much hope of success. Cylon viruses are so complex, and I don't think any program I can devise will be sophisticated enough to destroy it." Maybe he and Felix might have come up with something, working together, but he couldn't do it on his own. "I'm not sure it would work in any case – the virus has had too much time to spread through our systems. It's capable of learning and evolving, and it's probably running in parallel with every computer in the ship by now."

"There must be something we can do," said Tigh harshly.

"Well, I have one suggestion," said Zak slowly, "but I don't think you're going to like it." He grimaced. "I don't like it myself, but I can't see we have any other choice."

"Well, what is it?" asked Bill impatiently.

"Well, we do have a Cylon on board. I wonder what she knows about their viruses?"

----

Lee picked up his full dinner tray and looked round the mess hall for somewhere to sit. Of course, the first person his eye fell on was his brother, sitting alone at a nearby table.

Great. The only way it could have been worse was if Kara had been sitting with him.

There was no way of getting out of it though. Zak had spotted him and was waving him over, and besides, he could hardly avoid his brother for ever. Lee took a tight grip on his tray and walked to Zak's table.

"Hi, Zak. Good to see you back on your feet."

Zak smiled broadly. "Hey, Lee. I was wondering where you had got to."

"Oh, I've been busy shooting Cylons out of the sky," said Lee, hoping his voice didn't sound too strained. He felt as if the words 'I kissed your girlfriend' were emblazoned across his forehead. "What happened there, anyway? They just stalled all at once, as if someone had pulled a plug on them."

"That's pretty close to what happened," said Zak, cutting up his processed meat. "When Sharon cleaned our systems of the virus, she was able to turn it round and use it on the raiders. It fried their circuits."

"Leaving us free to mop them up. It's improved morale no end." Lee couldn't help smiling himself at the thought. He wouldn't normally enjoy killing a defenceless enemy, but it had been undeniably satisfying to strike back at the Cylons, especially with the farms on Caprica fresh in his mind.

"I'm just glad Sharon came through for us," said Zak.

"I'm surprised you took the risk of trusting her in the first place," said Lee. "After what happened on the Caprican Star-"

"I know." Zak grimaced. "I can't deny that I still see her shooting Dad every time I look at her. But I couldn't see any other choice. There was no way I could have destroyed that virus myself."

"The risk paid off though," Lee mused. "Maybe she can be trusted."

Zak grinned at him. "You don't sound very convinced."

Lee found himself smiling back. Zak knew him too well. "That's because I'm not. I believe that she'll help us for the moment, because it's in her interest to do so. We're providing a safe haven for her and her baby. But once she doesn't need our help and protection any more, well…who knows what she'll do?"

"Exactly," said Zak and they shared a look of understanding.

Zak finished his dinner and pushed back his chair. "Sorry, I have to be going. I said I'd meet Kara in the rec room in ten minutes and she won't like it if I'm late." He stood up. "Maybe I'll see you down there later?"

"Maybe." Lee wasn't sure he could face spending the evening with Zak and Kara after what had happened earlier. "I've got some paperwork to file first."

"Paperwork?" Zak raised his eyebrows. "I didn't realise you pilots _had_ any paperwork."

"Well, it's not mine, it's Kara's. You know what she's like with organization, so I help her out with the filing."

Zak's face stilled suddenly and his eyes flickered, making Lee frown. "Zak, is something wrong?"

"Not at all." Zak smiled, but something about it looked forced. "I'm glad you're helping her out. I'll see you later."

Lee nodded. He watched his brother leave, wondering what he had said wrong. Why should it upset Zak that he was helping Kara with her paperwork? It was all perfectly innocent…well, that part of their relationship was, anyway.

Lee still couldn't quite believe what had happened in the firing range. Until that moment he'd been certain that Kara had no feelings for him beyond friendship.

Obviously he'd been wrong. He still wasn't certain who had started that kiss, but she hadn't held back; she'd been as lost in it as he had been.

Of course, she'd come up with explanations for it – oxygen deprivation, the need to feel alive – and maybe she was telling the truth. But Lee wasn't entirely convinced. Not when he remembered the look in her eyes right before they'd kissed, and the way she'd sighed into his mouth…

He cut the memory off firmly, telling himself not to be so foolish. Even if Kara did have some feelings for him, it didn't matter. She'd made it more than clear in life station that she wanted to ignore whatever was between them and stick with Zak, and he had to respect that. He didn't want to cause trouble for her, and he certainly didn't want to hurt Zak, especially when they'd just got back on good terms.

It _was_ a good thing Zak was back on Galactica. Without him around, it had been too easy to forget that he existed, pretend that he and Kara were in their own little world. It would make things clearer to have Zak here, a living reminder of why he couldn't give into his feelings, why they had to be crushed.

But he still thought he'd avoid the rec room tonight. Tomorrow was soon enough to start facing up to reality.

----

Zak settled back into the routine on Galactica more easily than he'd expected. To be honest, he was too busy to do otherwise. He was surprised by how much work had built up during his absence, especially problems with the computer systems. With Gaeta no longer around, he was the only person left who understood how to fix them. It brought home Felix's loss afresh. Zak missed his friendship acutely, and the support of a like mind and listening ear.

He tried to lift his melancholy by reminding himself how lucky he was to have so many other people in his life still around. His father seemed to have meant what he said on the Caprican Star, and had completely forgiven him for freeing the President. They were back on good terms, and Zak was pleased to see that Bill had called some kind of truce with Roslin as well.

Unfortunately, the same could not be said for his father and Lee. They were treating each other with a careful formality which made Zak wince, but he'd decided not to get involved. He'd spent too much of his life stuck mediating between Dad and Lee, and he'd had enough of it. Emma had suggested that maybe he should leave them to sort things out for themselves, and he intended to take her advice.

At least his own relationship with Lee had improved since their talk on the Caprican Star. He felt more comfortable with his brother now than he had since Lee had returned. Although they were both busy, they still found time to see each other, working out together in the gym, and sharing meals together when they could.

It was a good thing they'd started the gym routine, because Lee didn't seem to be spending much time in the rec room nowadays. Zak wasn't sure why, but he knew better than to ask. Just like he knew better than to try to find out what was wrong with Lee. Because there was _something_ wrong. His brother was unusually quiet even for him, and there was a look of strain in his eyes that never completely went away, even when he was laughing at one of Zak's jokes. But Zak didn't pry. Lee was always so stubborn; he wouldn't confide in him without a lot of pushing, and Zak wasn't sure he had the energy for that. Besides, he wasn't even sure he _wanted_ to know what was wrong. It was probably about Dad, and he'd already decided he didn't want to get involved in that. So he left Lee alone, and tried not to feel guilty about it.

Anyway, he was too pre-occupied with Kara to think much about it. Since he came back, they'd been spending more time together than they had since the initial attacks. She seemed to be making a lot of effort to see him when he was off duty.

Kara was making a lot of effort all round, in fact. They hadn't had one fight since he came back; actually, she seemed to be going to a lot of trouble not to start one. She'd started asking him about his work instead of just talking about her own, and seemed to be trying to consider his feelings more. She'd even asked him if he minded her taking the risk of being the test pilot for Tyrol's new viper tomorrow.

Zak was touched, but something about it all made him uneasy. This considerate behaviour was all very well, but it wasn't natural for Kara. She was trying too hard, and something was bound to snap eventually. Besides, he didn't want her to have to try hard or suppress her natural instincts to please him. It shouldn't _have_ to be so difficult, that was the whole point…but he didn't say anything. To be honest, he couldn't see how to say anything without sounding immensely ungrateful. So he kept quiet, and wondered just how everything had got so complicated between them. Surely love wasn't supposed to be this difficult.

Then came the Blackbird test, and something happened that added a whole new level of complication.

----

Zak had made sure he was off shift when Kara tested the Blackbird, so he could see her off and listen in to the test from the hangar bay. His father had also been keen that someone from CIC be present to show their support for the Chief's project.

Looking at the finished Blackbird, Zak couldn't help feeling a few qualms. It looked small and fragile compared to the normal vipers. But Kara and the Chief both seemed confident, and Lee was going to fly alongside her during the test in case anything went wrong.

They launched, and Zak joined the deck crew crowded round the comms speaker to listen in on the test. Standing next to Tyrol, he saw that the Chief was gripping his clipboard so tightly that his knuckles were white. Zak felt a surge of sympathy. There was a lot riding on the success of this test flight for Tyrol, both personally and professionally.

"Successful launch," he said encouragingly. "That's a good start," and Tyrol smiled at him gratefully.

Unfortunately the flight didn't continue so smoothly. Kara was obviously having difficulty adjusting to the Blackbird's controls, and was alarming Lee with her erratic flying.

_She'll get the hang of it, _Zak thought, trying to reassure himself. _If she could fly that Cylon raider, she can fly this…_and then the next thing he heard was Lee's worried voice saying he'd lost her.

Time seemed to slow down. The next seconds were endless for Zak as he listened to Lee asking Kara for her position over and over. The increasing anxiety in his brother's tone only heightened Zak's own; Lee never panicked without good reason. When Lee slipped from callsigns to calling for Kara by name, he bit his lip so hard that it almost bled.

And then suddenly he heard her welcome voice over the comms. "Of course you lost contact, Apollo. It's a damned stealth ship, remember?"

The deck crew around him started exclaiming with relief, and Tyrol's grip on his clipboard relaxed. Zak released his lip and took a deep breath, torn between relief that Kara was safe and an urge to shake her for scaring them all like that. The tone of Lee's voice as he replied to Kara told him that his brother was feeling exactly the same way.

But when the test was over and the two vipers docked, Zak didn't shake her after all. Instead he hugged her so tightly she winced a little and muttered, "Did you really have to take ten years off my life?"

Kara smiled at him unrepentantly, eyes bright with the adrenalin high. "No point in testing the stealth capability if I told everyone what I was doing, Zak." She laughed, and her happiness was so infectious that he found himself smiling back, despite his irritation.

Tyrol came over to check the Blackbird, and Kara turned to him exuberantly. "That's a hell of a machine you designed there, Chief."

Tyrol grinned broadly. "Good to know. It handled well, then?"

"Mostly, although there are some areas that could be improved." Kara drew him over to the Blackbird to point them out.

Zak turned away and left them to it. He caught sight of Lee across the hangar deck, climbing down the steps from his viper, and headed towards him.

Halfway there he stopped. Because Lee was looking at Kara, and there was something about his expression that halted Zak as firmly as if he'd hit a brick wall.

He'd expected to see the exasperation, and the immense relief underneath it. But beneath that again was something else.

Most people wouldn't have been able to identify the look on Lee's face. But Lee was Zak's brother, and he knew him perhaps better than anyone else in the world. So he recognised that look for exactly what it was.

Love.

----

Zak couldn't sleep that night. They'd been up late celebrating the successful test flight in the rec room, and then Kara had taken him back to her bunk for a more private celebration. Afterwards she fell asleep almost immediately, head tucked on Zak's shoulder, but he couldn't follow her example. His mind was too busy running over the memory of Lee's face and the implications of what he had seen there.

If he was totally honest, it wasn't a complete surprise. He'd vaguely wondered a few times before if Lee was attracted to Kara, although he'd always hurriedly dismissed the thought. It had been easy enough to do, because he'd had nothing concrete to focus on, just the way Lee smiled at Kara sometimes and the way he let his guard down so easily with her.

Now, however, he couldn't dismiss it. He was sure that Lee was in love with Kara. For that brief second in the hangar bay, Lee's feelings had been clear to read on his face. And it explained other things that Zak had vaguely noticed recently; the way Lee avoided the rec room and only seemed to spend time with Zak when he was on his own, never when he was with Kara.

It was definitely true, and he had absolutely no idea what to do about it. Zak closed his eyes wearily.

What _could_ he do about it, in any case? Talk to Lee? Just the thought of that conversation made Zak wince. His fiercely private brother would be mortified that Zak knew about his feelings for Kara, and Lee hated talking about anything personal at the best of times. He'd either clam up or lash out in self-defence, and Zak couldn't see either option turning out well.

What would he say to Lee, anyway? Warn him to stay away from Kara? Zak couldn't see the point of that. It would be insulting to Lee, and anyway, he knew he didn't _have_ to say it. He might not have seen Lee for years, but his brother hadn't changed that much. He would never betray Zak in that way, Zak knew that absolutely.

And if he were brutally honest, it wasn't Lee's feelings that were the real issue here. He looked down at the blonde head resting on his shoulder, and sighed. It was _Kara's_ feelings that mattered, and who she chose to be with.

Zak bit his lip hard, knowing that was the issue that was really keeping him awake. The fear that Kara might return Lee's feelings. Because at some level, buried so far down in his mind he could barely admit it, he was afraid that she did.

He wasn't sure why. Again, there was nothing concrete to base his suspicions on. It wasn't the amount of time she spent with Lee, or the easy camaraderie between them – she had a similar rapport with Helo, and Zak had never felt threatened by that. It was…he thought hard and realised that it was the fact that she seemed to trust Lee to an extent that she did no-one else.

Not even him. The pain of that thought made his arm tighten round her, but he had to admit it. It was Lee she'd told she was going to Caprica. It was Lee she'd taken with her. It was Lee she allowed to help with her paperwork, petty as that sounded. And he was fairly sure that Lee knew about whatever it was that had happened to her on Caprica.

All that hurt him unbearably. Why couldn't she confide in him, rely on him? Hadn't he spent years trying to show her that she could trust him?

Maybe she thought he was too weak to support her, to help her deal with her problems, he thought resentfully. Well, he wasn't. He'd helped Emma, hadn't he? But no, she chose to confide in Lee instead, who she'd only known a few months.

He felt like waking her up then and there and confronting her over the issue, but common sense held him back, coldly telling him that if he pushed her on that now he might lose her altogether.

Besides…maybe her confiding in Lee didn't mean what he feared it did. Maybe she did just see Lee as a friend. He'd never really seen a hint of anything else in her behaviour towards him. And after all, it was his bed she shared, his arms she slept in, not Lee's. That had to mean something.

----

His troubled thoughts were shattered by the sound of an alarm, and Dee's voice echoed over the comms, calling the ship to condition one.

Zak pushed Kara gently aside and scrambled out of her rack, looking for his clothes.

"Damned Cylons," Kara muttered grumpily, still waking up. "Can't they let us get one night's rest?"

Zak nodded absently. He finished getting dressed and hurried up to CIC.

As soon as he entered the room he knew it wasn't just a normal Cylon attack. There was tension in the air, but there was something odd about it. Some of the CIC staff looked almost…hopeful?

He stopped beside Dee. "What's going on?"

"An unidentified ship appeared on dradis," Dee whispered quickly. "It – it's transmitting Colonial signals." Her eyes were bright with excitement.

"_Colonial_?" Zak stared at her. "Surely that's not possible? It must be a trick-"

At that moment a new voice sounded over the comms, silencing him and everyone else in CIC.

"This is the battlestar Pegasus to the ship claiming to be Galactica. Please respond."


	30. Chapter 30

**Chapter Thirty**

Bill Adama pushed his glasses up his nose and sighed. He'd known the initial relief and excitement of finding Pegasus would wear off soon, but he hadn't expected the honeymoon period to be over this quickly.

Then again, maybe he was being unfair. In Admiral Cain's place, he might make a similar decision. Members of the same family serving on one ship was always frowned upon, and for good reason. It affected the judgement, especially in wartime.

His head knew that. It was his heart that didn't agree. His heart wanted his two sons under his eye, where he could keep them safe as far as he possibly could.

But there was nothing he could do about it. He had his orders, and that was that.

Orders. That felt strange. It was odd how quickly he'd got used to being in charge, to answering to no-one else. It was harder than he'd expected to give that up, to place trust in someone else's decisions again.

A knock on the hatch interrupted his thoughts, and his sons entered his quarters. They both saluted, Zak with slight sloppiness, Lee with textbook perfection. Zak accompanied the salute with a slight smile. Lee, of course, did not. Bill sighed again. Why did his elder son always have to be so difficult?

"You wanted to see us, sir?" Of course it was Zak who spoke. Lee only spoke to him when he had to, these days. Bill didn't like it, but he had no idea what to do about it either. That bitter conversation on the Caprican Star seemed to have trapped them into distant formality, and he wasn't sure how to go about changing that. But then he'd never been much good at dealing with Lee. He'd lost count of the tactics he'd tried over the years, and none of them ever seemed to work.

"Yes, Captain," he said, wrenching his mind back to the business at hand. "Sit down, both of you." He cleared his throat. "Admiral Cain wants to integrate the Galactica and Pegasus crews. She has ordered some transfers. Both of you are being assigned to Pegasus, effective immediately."

He looked up, waiting for their reaction. Lee didn't even blink, but outrage flared across Zak's face.

"She's transferring us? Why?"

"Nepotism," said Lee sharply. "Use your head, Zak. Not good form to have your sons as officers on your ship, is it?" His eyes were bright with sardonic amusement.

"But that's total crap," Zak protested. "Dad would never favour us over-"

"Of course not," said Lee in a tone that made Bill bristle. "But everyone believes he does, and that's all that matters."

Zak made an impatient noise and turned to Bill. "Dad, you can't let this happen! You can't let her interfere like this-"

"What?" Bill stiffened at the echo of Zak's mutinous behaviour. "You forget yourself, Captain. Those are your orders and you will obey them." Zak opened his mouth to protest further, but Bill glared him down. "We've all got used to bending the rules, having our way, letting things slide. Well, that's over." Something that he needed to remind himself. "You wear the uniform; you will accept the rules that go with it. You've been transferred."

Anger was still simmering in Zak's eyes, but he nodded stiffly.

"Dismissed," Bill snapped.

He stared at the closed hatch for a long moment after they had left. He didn't like Zak's disrespect, but Lee's complete lack of protest bothered him just as much. Didn't he care about leaving Galactica?

Maybe he didn't. Maybe he welcomed the chance to get as far away from his father as possible. The thought hurt more than Bill had expected.

----

Kara wasn't any happier about the news than Zak. She joined him in ranting about Cain's interference in Galactica's internal affairs while Lee quietly packed his belongings.

"Her CAG's a prat as well," Kara said. "Do you know they keep scorecards of how many raiders they've killed on the side of their vipers?"

Zak pulled a disgusted face. "Really? That's…"

"Childish bragging is what it is," said Kara contemptuously. "What are they, high school kids? They'll be getting t-shirts next. 'I've killed Cylons. Ask me how many.'"

Zak laughed. "Can't see their CAG wearing a t-shirt. Far too much of a stick in the mud."

"Tell me about it," Kara muttered. "Do you know he had the gall to tell me off for not getting my pilots to keep track of their kills as well? Said if it was Cain's philosophy, it was mine now too."

"What did you say?"

"That I followed my commander's philosophy, and last time I checked, his name was Adama." Kara perched on the table in the centre of the pilots' bunkroom, scowling. "Honestly, just because Pegasus is a bigger ship, they seem to think they can lord it over us. Well, they've got another think coming."

Zak sighed. "But while Cain outranks Dad there's not much we can do about it."

Kara kicked at the table leg irritably. "I know. This sucks, Zak, it really sucks. You shouldn't be going."

"I'll find any excuse I can to come and see you." Zak took her hand in his, and Lee turned away, stuffing the last of his clothing into his bag.

"You'd better get packing, Zak," he said, keeping his back turned. "Our raptor leaves in less than an hour."

Zak swore, but despite his annoyance, he knew there was no way round the transfer. After a few minutes, he left for the CIC officers' bunkroom to pack.

Silence fell after he left. Lee fastened the straps on his bag, trying to ignore the feeling of Kara's eyes boring into his back.

He held out for two minutes before he broke and turned round. "What?"

"You're very quiet, Lee." She said it almost accusingly.

"So?"

"You haven't said a word of protest about the transfer."

He shrugged. "What's the point? It's not going to change anything."

She looked at him with irritation. "But aren't you annoyed? Angry?"

Lee shrugged again, and she scowled at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? Anyone would think you _wanted_ to go to Pegasus."

"Well, maybe it's not such a bad idea." The words came tumbling out before he thought, and he cursed himself as her eyes widened.

"What the frak-? I can't believe you just said that! How can this be a good thing?"

"Well, maybe Cain's right that we shouldn't be serving under Dad's command. I know I'd prefer not to."

"How can you say that?" Kara's voice was scorching.

"Easily," Lee snapped back. "Dad and I do much better at a safe distance. Always have done. So, yes, I'm not too upset at the idea of going to Pegasus."

"You're not? Not at all?" For a moment Kara's anger flickered away, a look of hurt crossing her face. "What about all the friends you've made here? Don't you care about leaving them?"

Lee shrugged. "I'll make new friends. I'm used to moving to new crews, I've been doing it for years."

Kara glared at him. "So we're all just easily replaceable?"

Lee picked up his bag. "You said it, not me." He knew they weren't talking generally, but he couldn't give her the reassurance she wanted. It was too dangerous.

"Damn it, Lee." He could hear the hurt throbbing through her voice. "You're my wingman. You're my best friend."

The words tore into him, but Lee gritted his teeth, refusing to let them affect him. "But maybe we'd do better at a safe distance as well. After the firing range."

Kara went pale, eyes shocked and dark with hurt. She stared at him for a moment, hurt giving way to shame and then to fury.

"You bastard," she said quietly, and walked out of the bunkroom.

Lee stared after her, refusing to regret what he had done. It was better this way, for all of them. He didn't like hurting her, but what he had said was true; they _would_ do better at a distance.

He hadn't been lying; he was almost glad to be going to Pegasus, away from all the turmoil being around his father or Kara caused him. It would be a relief to be free of it.

----

Zak didn't like serving on Pegasus at all.

It wasn't just the strangeness of a new ship and unfamiliar faces, or the fact that he was having to fight the prejudices aroused by his surname all over again. He just didn't like the feeling of the place.

The atmosphere in CIC made him particularly uneasy. First, it was eerily silent. The staff in Galactica's CIC worked hard, but there was always a friendly buzz of conversation going on when there was no emergency at hand. The Pegasus staff, on the other hand, never spoke unless they needed to as part of their duties, and Zak didn't think he'd seen any of them so much as smile.

Especially when Admiral Cain was present. Every time she entered CIC, Zak could feel the tension levels rocket. Her commands were obeyed with almost desperate efficiency, and any time she looked displeased everyone seemed to hold their breath.

Zak couldn't understand why. Cain was obviously a commander who liked to get things done and had little patience for inefficiency or timewasting, but she didn't seem like a complete martinet. She'd gone to the trouble to welcome Zak to CIC on his first day, and he had no complaints about the way she'd treated him since. She didn't seem to let his last name either raise or lower her expectations of him, and Zak appreciated that immensely, having suffered both reactions from previous commanders. Cain just left him to get on with his job, and he was grateful for that.

He wished he could say the same for the other CIC staff, who treated him with a mixture of suspicion and dislike, particularly as he out-ranked most of them. Zak was fairly sure that most of them thought he was reporting everything he saw back to his father, and they did their best to make things difficult for him without actively disobeying his orders. Zak quickly learnt to double check any information he was given himself before passing it on to the XO or the Admiral.

The one bright spot was that Lee was on Pegasus with him. At least he had one friendly face to talk to. In the midst of his new troubles, all the awkwardness caused by his realisation of Lee's feelings for Kara had been pushed to one side. It didn't seem to matter now.

Lee didn't appear to be having it any easier on Pegasus than he was. He turned up to meet Zak for dinner one evening with a livid bruise across one cheekbone.

Zak stared at him. "What happened to you?"

Lee put down his tray, shrugging. "I took exception to being called a daddy's boy."

Zak looked closer at his brother's face and winced. "That looks painful."

Lee smiled grimly. "You should see the other guy."

Zak looked round the room and grinned suddenly. "Let me guess. The pilot with the impressive black eye?"

Lee nodded, smiling with satisfaction.

"Looks like you won that round."

"I think I made my point," said Lee, beginning to eat.

Zak looked him, torn between amusement and concern. "You should be more careful, Lee. If you go around punching everyone who makes snide comments about your last name, you'll be spending half your life in the brig."

"He won't complain," said Lee dismissively. "Tattling on another pilot just because he got hit? Pathetic. He wouldn't be able to hold his head up in the ready room after that."

Zak wasn't so sure. "Lee-"

Lee looked up at him and smiled. "Gods, Zak, stop fussing. I can look after myself, you know. I've worked with freighter crews that make this lot seem positively welcoming. I just need to teach them not to cross me, and a few black eyes should take care of that." He picked up his glass and took a long swallow of water. "I'm more worried about you with those backstabbers in CIC."

Zak wasn't reassured. "This ship is very different to Galactica, Lee. I've heard some of the crew bragging about what they did to their Cylon prisoner. It's disgusting." He felt sick just thinking about it.

Lee looked at him over the rim of his glass, face expressionless. "The Cylons have done some disgusting things too, Zak."

"But that doesn't mean we have to descend to their level."

Lee stared at him for a moment longer, and then sighed. "I know. There are some lines you just don't cross."

Zak put down his knife and fork abruptly. He'd lost his appetite. "Gods, I hate this ship."

"It'll get better," said Lee, but he didn't sound very convinced.

----

Stinger, Pegasus' CAG, held a briefing the next day to outline a recon op to the Cylon fleet Pegasus had been tracking. Lee trailed in without enthusiasm; Stinger's briefings were incredibly dull.

"Hey, Apollo."

Lee's head snapped up at the familiar voice. His eyes widened at the unexpected sight of Kara sitting in the front row.

He walked over and took the empty seat beside her. "What are you doing here?"

"Joint op," Kara explained. "Think Stinger felt he had to ask me a courtesy."

"Oh." Lee looked at her hesitantly. After their last conversation, he'd been expecting her to ignore him. "How are things on Galactica?"

Kara shrugged. "All right. Things are pretty quiet without you and Zak."

Lee shot her a sceptical look. "Yeah, because we're both such loudmouths."

Kara chuckled. "How about you?" She nodded at his bruised cheek. "You seem to be settling in well."

"Well, you know I'm not exactly a team player." They shared a wry grin, and it hit Lee with a painful intensity just how much he'd missed her. Just seeing her made him feel warm again, as if the sun had come out from behind a cloud. He shifted uncomfortably, feeling vulnerable. He hated that she could affect his emotions so easily.

"How's Zak?" she asked, and the grin faded from Lee's face. Just that one word effectively reminded him why he wasn't allowed to miss her.

"All right. Keeping one step ahead of the bastards in CIC who are trying to trip him up." Lee rubbed his cheek. "At least the pilots are upfront about it."

"I'll try to see him before I go," said Kara, but further conversation was prevented by Stinger's arrival.

He began the briefing, outlining the plan for the recon. "We'll hide behind this moon which has an abnormally large magnetotail and will mask our dradis signatures. We'll power down, hide near the surface and wait for the Cylon fleet to pass by."

Lee could see Kara practically rolling her eyes next to him, and wasn't surprised when Stinger picked her up on it. "Captain Thrace? You have something to add?"

"Just that your plan won't work," said Kara bluntly. "The Cylons aren't stupid. That moon's an obvious blind spot, and they'll never go near enough to it."

Stinger's eyes narrowed angrily. "Really? You have a better suggestion, Captain?"

"Yes," said Kara promptly. "We use the stealth ship we constructed on Galactica. That'll really get us up close."

"What, the homemade tin can?" said one of the Pegasus pilots unpleasantly. A snicker ran round the ready room.

"That's enough," said Stinger stiffly. "Captain Thrace, your opinion is noted, but as CAG of the senior ship, I am in charge of this mission. We'll stick with the original plan."

Kara muttered something uncomplimentary under her breath, but fortunately Stinger was busy issuing assignments and didn't hear her.

"Apollo." Lee jumped at the sound of his callsign and hurriedly paid attention. "You'll be with me in the raptor."

"Yes, sir," said Lee wryly. Wasn't he trusted in a viper on his own?

The briefing broke up a few minutes later. Lee was impressed that Kara managed to wait until all the Pegasus pilots had left before venting her feelings.

"That man's a frakking idiot. His plan's never going to work."

Lee looked at her fuming face and smiled. "Then why don't you take the Blackbird out yourself? He didn't forbid you to do it."

An answering smile spread across Kara's face. "I'd need a surveillance camera."

"I'm sure I could get hold of one."

Kara laughed triumphantly. "Looks like this mission may not be a complete waste of time after all. We always made a good team." She looked at him, her eyes suddenly soft. "I've missed you, Lee."

Lee knew he shouldn't say it, but he couldn't help himself. He couldn't stop the words tumbling out, and that lack of control frightened him. "I've missed you too."

----

"Apollo! Check me on these jump co-ordinates." Stinger was looking annoyed, and Lee realised it wasn't the first time he'd asked him.

"Sorry," he said hurriedly, and did as he was asked. "Jump co-ordinates verified."

Stinger continued to glare at him. "You seem a little distracted, Lieutenant. Something I should know about?"

"Distracted?" Lee's temper flared. "I guess you could say that. Two of my friends were just arrested and charged with treason." He'd heard the news just before they left Pegasus, and he was full of anxiety for Helo and Tyrol. Cain was going to come down on them hard, and he wasn't sure even his father could stop her.

"I suggest you file that under 'not your problem'," Stinger snapped. "We have a recon mission to carry out, and I need your head in the game."

"Right," Lee said tightly, making no attempt to hide his contempt at Stinger's comment. _Bet you're a great friend to have, Captain._

Stinger's jaw set hard, but he didn't pursue the subject further, instead telling the recon team to be ready to jump in ten minutes.

They sat in silence except for necessary communication as they waited to jump. Lee stared out at the fleet in front of him, seeing how many of the ships he could name. He knew most of them by now.

Then a movement by Galactica caught his attention. He blinked in surprise to see vipers shooting out of Galactica's launch tubes. What was going on? There had been no Cylon contact on dradis, but they were definitely getting into attack formation.

He opened his mouth to draw Stinger's attention, but then closed it again as he suddenly realised the Galactica vipers were heading towards Pegasus. A moment later he saw that vipers were launching from Pegasus to meet them. Lee still wasn't sure what was happening, but he would bet it had to do with Helo and Tyrol. So he kept quiet. He didn't want to do anything that might upset whatever his father was doing.

After a few moments, however, Stinger finally noticed what was going on for himself.

"What the hell-?" He got on the comms to Pegasus immediately. "Pegasus, Stinger. Why have we launched vipers?"

A brief silence, and then one of the CIC staff replied. "Stinger, Pegasus. You are ordered to relieve Lieutenant Adama of duty and aid in an attack mission on Galactica."

Lee had guessed what was going on, but those words still made his stomach tighten as the full reality of the situation hit home.

Stinger turned to face him, pulling out his gun. "Your weapon, Lieutenant. You're relieved."

Lee handed over his own gun. He didn't really have much choice. But perhaps there was still something he could do…

"Permission to go aft," he said quickly.

"Granted." Stinger looked relieved to get him out of the way.

Lee nodded and headed for the back of the raptor, sitting down at the ECO's console. He sent a quick glance back towards the cockpit, but Stinger was busy piloting the raptor towards Galactica and was paying no attention to him at all.

He typed a quick message on the keyboard. _Starbuck, you out there?_ Kara would probably be jumping back from the Cylon fleet any minute, and he didn't want her flying into all this mess unprepared.

For a few minutes there was no reply. Lee bit his lip, sending another glance towards Stinger. "Come on, Starbuck, reply," he murmured.

Suddenly an answering message appeared on the screen. _Starbuck here. What the hell is going on?_

Lee wondered where to start, but just then he heard the message over the raptor comms he'd been fearing.

"All Pegasus vipers, all Pegasus vipers, emergency recall. There's a Cylon raider right o­n top of you."

_Identify yourself as friendly,_ he typed hurriedly.

A moment later he heard Kara's voice over the comms. "Starbuck to all vipers - do not fire... repeat, do not fire! I am a friendly, okay? We're all friendlies. So, let's just...be friendly."

Lee quickly sent a final message. _Send your photos to Pegasus and Galactica._ Maybe the reminder that there were bigger enemies to fight than each other might defuse the situation between the two ships. It was the only thing he could think of to try.

He sent the message and managed to move away from the console just as Stinger turned round, frowning suspiciously.

"That's no raider, that's that stealth ship of yours. Who's flying it? It wasn't cleared to launch."

Lee spread his hands innocently, trying not to laugh. "You got me. I'm just a passenger back here." He just hoped Kara had got his last message.

It looked like she had. Either way, something had happened to persuade his father and Cain to back off, because it wasn't long before they received a message to stand down to condition two.

Lee breathed a deep sigh of relief, although he knew it was only a temporary truce. He spent most of the return trip to Pegasus wondering how the hell his father was going to get out of this one.

But underneath the anxiety, part of him couldn't help being amused by the fact that his father had now committed mutiny as well. Looked like it ran in the family.


	31. Chapter 31

**Chapter Thirty-One**

"Come in."

Kara entered Admiral Cain's quarters, bracing herself inwardly. There was going to be trouble over her unauthorised mission. She'd known that from the start, but she hadn't been able to sit by and do nothing when she had the means to get the information they needed successfully.

Besides, she was used to trouble. She stood to attention in front of the admiral and saluted smartly.

"Stand at ease, Captain. Seems you've had quite a day."

Kara blinked at the tone of Cain's voice. She didn't seem half as angry as Kara had expected. "Yes, sir."

Cain was looking her over, an inscrutable expression on her face, and Kara did her best not to shift uneasily.

Finally the admiral spoke. "I'm promoting you to Major and giving you command over both air groups for the upcoming mission."

Kara stared at her in utter shock. "You're _promoting_ me?"

Cain's lips curved slightly at her reaction. "I need a CAG with guts and initiative to plan and lead the attack o­n the Cylon fleet. Now, I thought Stinger was that man. But he managed to let Lieutenant Adama contact you and pull off that fly-by under his nose, so he's out. But you…you managed to get right up the Cylons' backsides in that stealth ship and they never even knew you were there."

"Thank you, sir," said Kara awkwardly, unsure how to take the praise. After all, this woman currently had Helo and Tyrol under sentence of death and had nearly shot down the Galactica. Did she really want her approval? But part of her couldn't help but be gratified by it.

She decided to take advantage of Cain's good mood and ask a question that had been worrying her. "What about Lieutenant Adama, sir? Will he be punished?"

Cain's face darkened. "I ought to throw him in the brig, but I can't exactly charge him and not you, especially as you're the superior officer. So I've just busted him back down to Ensign."

"Oh." Kara couldn't help feeling that was unfair in view of her own promotion, but then Lee was a member of Cain's crew and she wasn't, so his disobedience was a more serious offence. Plus she didn't want to push it. All things considered, Cain was letting him off fairly lightly. "Thank you, sir."

"You can thank me by planning a successful attack on the Cylon fleet," said Cain wryly.

"Yes, sir." Kara took a deep breath. "If I may, I'd like to consult Captain Adama. We've planned ops together before, and I value his input."

Cain nodded. "Very well." She looked at Kara with a hint of amusement. "You certainly seem to know what you want, Major. Tell me, do you always get it?"

"Most of the time, sir." It probably wasn't the most diplomatic response, but then Kara had never been very diplomatic. And she had a feeling that Cain liked confidence in her officers.

She was proved right, because Cain smiled. "Good. Me too." Another considering pause. "I hear you want to return to Caprica?"

"Yes, sir. We have people back there still alive." She and Lee had been trying to convince Roslin and Adama to run a rescue mission to help the resistance ever since they got back, but so far they'd had little luck persuading them.

"Yes, and they deserve to be saved. I absolutely agree," said Cain firmly. "In fact, I'll go one step further and say that our ultimate goal should be to return to the Colonies and kick the Cylons the frak out of our homes. What do you think of that, Major?"

Kara looked at Cain with respect. Maybe the admiral wasn't so bad after all. "I think that's the best idea I've heard all day, sir."

----

"She _promoted_ you?" Zak looked almost as stunned as Kara had felt.

Kara grinned at him. "Yes, and she put me in charge of this op, so I won't have to stand by and watch Stinger frak it up. Even agreed that I could have you to help me plan it."

"How kind of her."

Something in his tone made Kara bristle. "What?"

"Lee just visited Helo and Tyrol in the brig. They're doing okay for now."

"That's good to hear."

Zak glared at her. "Kara, that woman has two of our friends under sentence of death. And here you are happily planning operations for her." His face set hard. "I never thought you'd let a promotion go to your head like this."

"How dare you!" Kara glared back at him, annoyed by his reaction. "I care about them as much as you do, but what can I do? Cain's in command, Zak. I have to obey her orders."

"Since when did you start caring about obeying orders?" Zak snapped contemptuously.

Kara stared at him, eyes brimming with hurt. Did he really think so little of her?

"What else can I do? What are you suggesting, that we break them out?"

Zak shrugged. "Maybe."

"And how would we do that?" said Kara harshly, suddenly afraid for him. "You only managed to get the president off Galactica because half the crew were helping you. No-one would help us here. We'd just end up in the brig with them," she finished forcefully, hoping she'd convinced him.

"I suppose so," said Zak reluctantly, staring at the deck.

"Look, there's a Cylon fleet out there and we have to take the opportunity to attack it. Cain's right about that, if nothing else. So I'm going to plan this op for her. Are you going to help me?"

For a moment she thought he was going to refuse. His time on Pegasus had obviously affected him more than she had thought. But finally he nodded and sat down next to her. "All right. Let's get started."

----

Since the war began, Zak had been to plenty of tense briefing sessions, but this one was by far the worst. His father and Admiral Cain were poised on opposite sides of Pegasus' briefing table, XOs standing by their sides like bodyguards. For most of the session they managed to avoid looking at each other, but the few times their eyes met Zak could almost hear the ring of two blades clashing.

It took an effort to push it all away and focus on explaining the plan he and Kara had come up with. Use some civilian ships as decoys, then a full attack by the battlestars while Lee took out the resurrection ship's FTL drive with the Blackbird, leaving it a stranded target for the vipers.

He'd thought it was simple enough, so his father's announcement that he needed to go over the operational details took him by surprise.

"I want Captain Adama to stay and help me. Answer some of my questions."

Cain didn't look pleased, but she gave Zak an hour.

"Colonel, Starbuck, you're dismissed," said Bill, once the hatch had closed behind Cain and Fisk. "I'll meet you at the raptor when I've finished my discussion here."

Kara looked surprised – but Tigh didn't, Zak noticed with growing suspicion. As they left he turned to his father.

"So what do you really want to talk to me about, sir?"

Bill looked at him gravely. "I have a mission for you, Zak."

The use of his first name in this formal setting alarmed Zak. "Anything for you, Dad. You know that."

"Don't accept too quickly," said his father heavily. "You won't like this o­ne. Hell,_ I_ don't like it. But I've decided that it has to be done."

The expression in Bill's eyes alarmed Zak further. He'd never seen his father look so burdened, even just after the attacks. "What is it?"

Bill took a deep breath, as if bracing himself. "You'll be in Pegasus CIC after the attack. There'll be the normal chaos and emotional high."

Zak nodded. "Of course." He didn't see where this was going.

"Their guard will be down," said Bill tightly, seeming to force each word out. "I will ask for you over the wireless. And when you hear me say 'downfall', I want you to shoot Admiral Cain in the head."

----

Zak stared at his father in disbelief. "You want me to do _what_?"

"You heard," said Bill grimly.

Zak had, but he couldn't quite accept it. "You want me to…but Dad, that's-" He couldn't bring himself to say the word murder.

"I know." Bill put a hand on Zak's shoulder. "Believe me, I wouldn't ask you to do this if I saw any other choice. But the admiral has to be removed."

"Why? I know Helo and Tyrol are still under sentence of death, but surely the President won't let that be carried out-"

"What makes you think Cain will listen to her?" Bill smiled bitterly. "She doesn't put much stock in civilians." He paused, looking at Zak as if deciding whether to tell him something. "Did you know that Pegasus used to have a civilian fleet?"

"No," Zak said slowly. "What happened to them?"

"Cain stripped the ships for parts, pressed anyone with useful skills into the military. The rest she left in their disabled ships to die."

Zak stared at him. He found it hard to believe even Cain could be that ruthless. "Dad, are you sure-?"

"Yes," said Bill firmly. "Tigh got it from Fisk. On one of the ships – the one Laird, the Pegasus deck chief, came from – those selected to serve on Pegasus refused to leave their families. So Cain ordered the families shot."

Zak felt as if he was choking. He didn't want to believe it. But why would Fisk, Cain's XO, lie about something like that? And…he remembered bits of gossip he'd overheard on Pegasus, the tense atmosphere in CIC when Cain was present, the way their Cylon prisoner had been treated. Suddenly he could believe it after all.

"We can't let that happen to the ships in our fleet."

His father was right, they couldn't. Zak thought of the families he'd got to know on the Caprican Star, of them being abandoned to the Cylons.

"The President thinks this is the only way to stop Cain, and I agree with her."

It reassured Zak to hear that Roslin had agreed to the plan. He knew he could trust her judgement, and if she and his father were in agreement…

"I'll do it."

His father seemed to relax slightly, but there was a deep sadness in his eyes. "I'm sorry to have to ask this of you."

"But I'm the only one you can place in her CIC without suspicion."

Bill nodded. "I'd feel better if you have backup though. Tell Lee. See if he can find some excuse to come to CIC when he gets back to Pegasus after the op."

Zak nodded. He knew exactly what his father wasn't saying - that once he shot Cain, he would be in danger of retribution from the rest of the Pegasus crew. But that was a risk he'd have to take.

Bill reached out and gripped his hand tightly. "Stay focused, son."

----

"You can't be serious about this."

Zak looked at the set of his brother's jaw and the spark in his eyes and sighed inwardly. He should have known Lee was going to be difficult about this.

"Yes, I am. It has to be done, Lee."

"But it's murder!" Lee had no compunction about using the word. "You're not a killer, Zak."

"I'm a soldier. Isn't that the same thing?"

"Not when it comes to shooting an unarmed woman in the head. I can't believe Dad asked you to do this." Lee clenched his fists angrily.

"Stop it, Lee," snapped Zak, suddenly exasperated.

"What?"

"Stop using this as ammunition in your war with Dad. He may have asked me to do this, but I agreed of my own free will."

"Why?" The anger faded from Lee's face, leaving genuine confusion. "What could possibly justify this?"

Zak told him. What Cain had done to the civilian ships, about the people lined up against the bulkheads and shot. Lee turned paler and paler as the story progressed.

"And I thought the Cylons were the monsters," he murmured, as Zak finished.

Zak seized on the sign of weakening. "So now you see why she has to be stopped. We can't let her do that to our civilian fleet."

Lee closed his eyes wearily. "No, we can't. But this isn't the way to do it."

He opened his eyes again, and they fixed on Zak, bright with determination. Zak sighed.

"Lee-" He should have known it wouldn't be so easy to convince him.

"How is what you're going to do any different to Cain's soldiers shooting those civilians? Tell me that."

"I'm doing it to save others-"

"And I bet that's exactly what Cain told herself." Lee laughed bitterly. "Sacrifice a few to save many."

Zak shifted uncomfortably as the words struck home. He was right, damn him.

"What gives you or Dad or Roslin the right to make that kind of decision? To decide that one life is worth more than another?"

"Damn it, Lee, this isn't an ethics class!" Zak didn't want to hear any more of this. "This is the real world, and if we don't destroy Cain she'll destroy us. We don't have the luxury of taking the moral high ground."

"There must be another way to remove her," said Lee desperately. "Dad and Roslin could arrest her, remove her from command-"

"How, when she has Pegasus?" Zak demanded. "It outguns Galactica by far. We couldn't take her in a fight."

"Work from within, then. Remove the support of her crew. They can't like what she's done, they've just been too afraid to do anything about it. It sounds like Fisk is already wavering, and the XO commands a lot of support-"

"We don't have time for that. Not if we're to save Tyrol and Helo. Their stay of execution only lasts to the end of this op. Had you forgotten that?"

He could see Lee had. His brother's face fell. "There must be some other way-"

"There isn't." Did Lee really think he hadn't considered all this already? Looked for another alternative?

"I'm going to do this." Zak swallowed hard, looking at his brother's frowning face. "If – if you don't feel that you can back me up, I'll understand."

Lee looked up immediately, shock spreading over his face. "Of course I'll back you up! I promised I'd support you when you needed it from now on, Zak, and I'm not going back on that." He looked suddenly bleak. "No matter what it entails."

"Thank you." Zak felt the weight on his shoulders lift a little. Having Lee to back him up made this all slightly less daunting.

He didn't want to do this any more than Lee did, but he could see the necessity for it. Principles were all very well, but sometimes you had to compromise them in order to survive. He wasn't sure why Lee found it so hard to accept that. But then, his brother had never been much good at compromising.

----

Lee paused outside his father's quarters, taking a deep breath. He wasn't sure this was a good idea. His conversations with his father never seemed to go well, especially about issues like this. But he felt he had to at least try. He couldn't let Zak walk into disaster without some attempt to stop him.

He set his chin and knocked on the hatch.

"Come in."

No going back now. Lee pushed open the hatch and entered. "Courier run from Pegasus, sir."

Bill was sitting at his desk, surrounded by paperwork. He looked up in surprise at Lee's voice.

"So they've got you doing courier runs now?" he said, with an expression that made Lee blink. His father actually looked pleased to see him.

Lee braced himself. "Well…I volunteered for this one. Zak told me about his…mission."

"Oh." Bill's face went blank, wariness springing into his eyes. "Suppose I should have expected this. Come to change my mind, have you?"

Lee almost laughed at that. When had he ever been able to change his father's mind about anything? Bill had never paid any attention to his opinions.

"I just wanted to hear it from you," he said cautiously.

Bill pushed his chair back from the desk, watching Lee closely. "The decision's been made."

Lee's temper flared up at that. That was it? He wasn't even going to justify himself? Just expected his sons to obey him without question, to blindly trust his judgement. It was the thing he hated most about his father and the military.

"And that's your decision?" he spat angrily. "Assassination? That's how you resolve your differences with your superior officers?"

He expected his father to shout back, but Bill just sat there quietly, wearing a resigned expression that Lee remembered all too well from his childhood. He could almost hear what his dad was thinking.

_Why do you have to be so difficult, Lee? Why do you always have to argue about everything? Why can't you be more like Zak? Be a good son, a respectful son._

"If you're going to have a problem backing Zak up, I can find someone else," said Bill flatly.

"This isn't about that." Lee gritted his teeth, trying to hang on to his temper. Did his father think so little of him, think he would just let Zak down like that?

"Well, I'm not going to debate this with you." A spark of irritation entered Bill's tone. "It was a hard decision, but I agree with the President that this is the best way to safeguard the fleet."

"Cold-blooded murder?" Lee couldn't keep the disgust out of his voice.

Bill's face hardened. "I don't have to justify my decisions to you. I've told you that before. You'll just have to take my word for it that I have good reasons."

"You mean what Cain did to the civilians? Zak told me."

Bill's eyes widened in surprise. "He did? Then surely you must see-"

"No, I don't!" Lee couldn't control his temper any longer. "How can this be right? All you're doing is descending to Cain's level. There must be some other way-"

"There isn't," said Bill implacably. "I'm not saying I like this, but-"

"Then don't do it," said Lee desperately. "Don't ask Zak to. This isn't like you, Dad." Much as he'd raged against Bill over the years, had disagreed with his values and decisions, he'd always believed his father was a good man at heart. He didn't want to accept he could do this.

Something that looked like regret flickered in his father's eyes. "Desperate times call for desperate measures."

"So that makes treachery and murder all right?"

Bill took a deep breath. Then he set his shoulders and looked up at Lee. "I told you, the decision's been made. That's final."

Lee recognised that tone. It was the one his father used when his mind was made up and there was no moving him. Disappointment and a helpless rage swamped him. Why couldn't he ever find the words to make his father listen to him?

He knew there was no point in saying any more. No use banging his head against a brick wall. But he couldn't stop himself from taking one parting shot as he snatched up the papers his father had signed and stalked out.

"Sometimes I wonder if we're any better than the Cylons."

----

Anger and disappointment continued to rage through Lee as he prepared the Blackbird for launch. He'd never imagined his father or Zak could do something like this. What they were planning was utterly wrong, no matter what justifications they made, and he couldn't understand why they couldn't see that. It was so obvious to him.

Their talk about survival was all very well, but it wasn't worth this kind of cost. What was the point of survival if you couldn't look yourself in the eye?

He was bitterly worried about Zak. Even if he survived retribution from Cain's crew, would he be able to live with himself afterwards? With the fact that he had killed another human being in cold blood?

Lee wasn't sure he could. And he was furious with his father for forcing Zak to find out.

The LSO's voice in his ear clearing him for launch brought him back to reality. Lee took a long breath, trying to gather his thoughts. He couldn't afford to be distracted by this now; he needed to focus on the mission. Taking out the resurrection ship's FTL drive was crucial to the success of their plan, and Kara had shown a lot of faith in his abilities by assigning him to the task. He couldn't let her down.

So he made a determined effort to push everything else to the back of his mind as they got ready to jump to the Cylon fleet.

The resurrection ship was easy to spot. He headed straight for it as Galactica and Pegasus started attacking the basestars.

"That's it," he murmured to himself as the side of the resurrection ship loomed up before him, "get right up close."

He did, so close he could see figures through the portholes. "Please don't let anyone look out of the window right now."

Then he saw it, the target Kara had pointed out to him on the recon photos. The FTL drives. He lined up and launched his bombs, hoping he'd targeted correctly.

He had. As he soared away from the resurrection ship, he saw the explosion was right where he wanted it.

"Starbuck, Apollo," he said, grinning with triumph. "Target's FTL is history. She's all yours."

Kara's voice was full of satisfaction. "Roger that, Apollo-"

Lee never heard the rest. Because at that moment a raider came out of nowhere and crashed straight into the Blackbird.


	32. Chapter 32

Chapter Thirty-Two

Chapter Thirty-Two

_Lee was drifting._

_Black space surrounded him, pressed down on him. He'd never appreciated before just how vast the darkness was, and how small he was in the face of it. His heart thudded rapidly, the sound deafening in the silence of the glass bubble of his helmet, as he realised that only a thin tether line kept him from drifting away from the Scylla to be swallowed up by the darkness, never to be seen again…_

_Suddenly the tether didn't seem to be enough. He reached out for the side of the ship, needing to hold onto something solid, but his hands closed on empty air._

_The Scylla was there. He could see its battered grey hull looming up in front of him, only inches away, but when he reached out he couldn't touch it. His hands, clumsy in the bulky gloves, found only emptiness._

_His breath choked in his throat as he scrabbled frantically, trying to get a hold…_

…and a bright light flared across his vision, dazzling him. Lee blinked, realising as the dizzying splotches of colour faded that he was staring at the burning wreckage of a Cylon raider.

Memory blurred and receded as reality sunk in.

_The Blackbird…the collision…alarms beeping frantically, shock and confusion, the ship falling apart around him, instinctively hitting the eject button…_

…and now he was drifting, strapped into the ejection seat.

Drifting helplessly with no way to control his direction, alone in the darkness, with nothing between him and the sucking vacuum but a thin layer of latex and glass…

_No._ _I mustn't think about that, I mustn't…_

He could feel his throat tightening up, hear his heart beating frantically. His palms felt slick and sweaty in his gloves.

He forced himself to take several deep breaths, telling himself to calm down. This wasn't like the last time on the Scylla. He hadn't been deliberately abandoned, and his requests for help wouldn't be ignored. All he had to do was contact Galactica and give his position, and they'd send a raptor to pick him up. It wouldn't take long. He could hold on till then.

"Galactica, Apollo, do you read?"

No answer. He repeated it, trying to keep his voice steady.

Still no answer. Maybe they were too busy. The battle was still raging fiercely in front of him, as the Colonial vipers descended on the resurrection ship. There were more important things to deal with than rescuing one stranded pilot…

…or maybe they were ignoring him. Like the last time.

_Don't be ridiculous. This isn't the Scylla, they're not playing a joke. They'll come and get me, Dad will come and get me. I just have to keep trying…_

"Galactica, Apollo, do you read?"

Still no reply. He kept saying it, vaguely aware that his voice was rising with every repetition, sounding jagged and strange. _They have to hear me, they have to…_

But still he heard nothing. His helmet was silent, not even the comforting buzz of static…

Not even static. Maybe his comms had been damaged in the accident. It was odd that he couldn't hear anything…

_See,_ he thought, trying to steady himself. His heart was crashing against the walls of his chest. _I'm not being ignored. My comms are damaged, that's all._

_So I can't tell anyone where I am. All I can do is drift here and hope someone finds me…_he could feel his throat closing up again, his breathing suddenly constricted.

_Calm down, calm down. They'll come looking for me. Dad will send someone to look for me. I can hang on till then. I'll be fine, I've got plenty of oxygen…_

He looked down at the gauge on his suit for reassurance, and froze.

_That can't be right._ He blinked and looked again, but the black arrow stubbornly refused to move from its position, only a little way above the zero mark.

_I should have plenty left. It must be a mistake, maybe the gauge was damaged too._

But he did feel strangely light headed, and it was getting harder to breathe. He looked down, scanning his suit – and spotted the small tear in the left leg.

_Oh gods._ His hand closed over the leak convulsively, desperately trying to plug it. He thought he'd done it, but he wasn't sure, he couldn't tell…

_Let them get to me in time. Please let them get to me in time. _ He closed his fist as tightly as he could, and waited.

--

But no-one came.

He just kept on drifting, watching that black arrow sink lower. It was getting harder and harder to catch his breath, and his heart was thundering now, as if it was going to burst in his chest. He'd given up trying to calm it.

Everything around him had turned a little blurry, felt vague and dreamlike. He saw the resurrection ship finally explode in a strangely beautiful blossom of yellow and orange, cylon bodies drifting gracefully out of the wreckage. Raiders and vipers screeched past him, locked in combat, but he barely blinked. None of it felt real.

Maybe it wasn't. Maybe this was all just a dream, and he was really still floating outside the Scylla, banging on the locked hatch, trying to get someone to let him in…

He closed his eyes, and when he opened them again, he realised he was right. The battle had gone. No cylons, no vipers, no Galactica. Just the scarred metal wall of the Scylla, and the hatch wheel that refused to turn, no matter how hard he struggled with it.

There was a circle of glass just above the wheel, and he stared longingly through it, at space and light and air, all the things he desperately needed, so near and yet so far…he pushed at the wheel again, but it wouldn't budge.

Suddenly a man's face appeared in the window. He banged on the glass, called out for help, but the man just laughed at him, made no attempt to open the hatch.

He banged again, pounding the hatch so fiercely he left dents in the metal, but the man only laughed harder.

Of course he did. They'd locked him out and they wouldn't let him in until all his oxygen had drained away…

That was it.

He remembered now, remembered how this worked. All he had to do was let his oxygen run out and they'd let him back in, just like the last time. Their amusement came from seeing him struggle, and if he just gave in, it would all be over.

A numbing wave of relief swept over him. That was it. All he had to do was let go, and this would end. They'd let him back inside the ship, and he'd be able to breathe again. He'd be away from the dark.

He released his grip on the leg of his suit.

All over soon. They'd bring him back in, once they saw he'd passed out. Everything would be all right now…

He smiled as everything gradually faded away. He was still drifting, but now he was drifting into the light.

--

Bill stood at the tactical table in CIC, watching the progress of the battle on dradis and listening to the comms. At times like these his senses turned hyper alert, enabling him to pick up every detail of what was going on. Even as he listened and watched, his mind was racing ahead to the next move, sifting through options and consequences with lightning speed.

"Kelly, order batteries alpha through echo to switch to salvo fire."

"Yes, sir."

Not long now, Bill hoped. They had destroyed one of the basestars, meaning that Galactica and Pegasus could combine their firepower on the remaining one, leaving the vipers free to concentrate on the resurrection ship.

_The resurrection ship. Lee._ He turned to Dualla. "Any word from the SAR raptor?"

"No, sir."

Bill nodded, annoyed with himself for asking. He didn't have time for this; he needed to keep his whole mind focused on the battle. He could worry about Lee when it was over. He resolutely pushed his anxiety to the back of his mind.

Tigh's voice broke into his thoughts. "Starbuck is reporting massive detonations. The resurrection ship has been destroyed."

"We've done it." Bill allowed himself a smile of satisfaction.

"The remaining Cylon ships have jumped away," Dee reported a few moments later. "It's all over, sir."

Bill looked around the room, trying to catch as many eyes as he could. "Congratulations, all of you." The CIC staff began smiling and shaking hands as he flicked on the shipwide comms. "This is the Commander. Mission accomplished. I repeat, mission accomplished. Congratulations."

_Mission accomplished,_ he thought heavily as he put down the handset, _but at what cost?_

His son's life? Had he found Lee only to lose him again after such a short time? He looked back over the last few weeks with bitter regret, at the way he had kept his elder son at a distance ever since his return from Caprica. Why hadn't he made an effort to sort things out? Sure, he had been hurt, uncertain of what to do, but he should have done _something_. Lee was his son; however much they argued, nothing could change that.

And now – now it might be too late. Something inside him flinched at the thought, and for a moment he wavered, his emotions threatening to burst out.

He felt a hand on his shoulder. "Bill? Are you okay?" It was Saul, of course, looking concerned.

Bill took a deep breath and nodded at his friend reassuringly. He couldn't afford to fall apart now. "I'm fine."

Saul didn't look convinced, but Dee's urgent voice interrupted whatever he was about to say.

"Commander! SAR found Apollo."

Bill turned to look at her, his heart thumping. "Is he all right?"

Dee nodded. "He was out of oxygen when they found him. Racetrack had to resuscitate him, but he's breathing now. They're bringing him in."

"Good. Call life station." Dee nodded.

_He's all right._ For the first time since Dee had picked up the signal from the Blackbird's auto-distress beacon, Bill could breathe freely. He hadn't lost his son after all.

He wished he could go down to the hangar bay and see Lee in person, reassure himself that his son was really alive, but he couldn't. The battle with the Cylons might be over, but he still had another to fight today. With Admiral Cain.

He looked down at the comms handset. In a few minutes he needed to pick that up and call Pegasus, give Zak the order they had agreed.

Zak, now alone among Cain's people on Pegasus, with no backup to help him.

If only he could be certain it was the right thing to do. He hadn't liked the idea of assassination when Roslin first suggested it, but he hadn't been able to see any other way out of this. The information about what Cain had done to the civilian ships had given him a justification for the act, but was it enough? Did he really have the right to order a fellow human being's murder?

He couldn't help remembering something the Sharon model had said to him a few hours before_. You said that humanity never asked itself why it deserved to survive. Maybe you don't._

It had echoed what Lee had said before he left on the Blackbird. _Sometimes I wonder if we're any better than the Cylons._ The memory hurt, almost as much as the look of disappointment in his son's eyes as Lee had pleaded with him to reconsider. _Don't do it. This isn't like you, Dad._

He'd held firm to his decision at the time, telling himself that it had to be done, that Lee was too idealistic to accept the harsh realities of survival, but his son's words had echoed in his head, refusing to be dismissed so easily.

Then he'd spoken to Sharon, and his doubts had deepened. Was survival really worth any cost? Worth throwing away the principles and values he'd always lived by?

He wasn't so sure any more.

"Signal from the flagship, sir," said Dee. "Admiral Cain on the line."

"Put her through." Bill sighed. No more time for debate. He had to decide, one way or another. He picked up the receiver.

"Congratulations, Commander," said Cain's cool voice.

"Congratulations to you too, Admiral. A significant victory." His hand tightened on the receiver. "Is Captain Adama with you?"

"Yes, he is."

"Can I have a word?"

A moment, and then he heard Zak's voice. "This is Captain Adama, sir." His voice was completely steady, with no hint that this was not a normal conversation, and Bill felt a surge of pride.

He cleared his throat. This was it. Decision time. But even as he thought that, he realised the decision had been made. He knew what he needed to do; deep down, he'd always known. He'd just needed a bit of help to see it.

"I've been thinking about what we talked about before," he said. "It's not enough to survive. One has to be worthy of surviving. That's all."

A pause. "I think that's very wise, sir," said Zak, and now he could hear the faintest thread of relief in his son's voice. "Thank you."

Cain interrupted them. "Commander, I wonder if my XO is standing nearby."

"Yes, he is." Bill nodded to Fisk, who picked up a handset. Cain briefly congratulated him, and then cut the connection.

The strain of the battle was obviously hitting home to Fisk; the man was pale with relief. "You look like you need a drink," Tigh said to him.

_He's not the only one,_ Bill thought.

--

The atmosphere in the hangar deck made Kara grin with pure exhilaration. These were the moments she loved her job the most, the elation and relief that followed a successful mission. The deck was throbbing with triumph, and she moved slowly through the excited throng of pilots and deck crew, doling out praise and congratulations, accepting a drink when it was offered. She made sure to savour the moment, hoarding the images in her memory to sustain her in the future.

She finally found herself next to Seelix, who was frowning over a clipboard, and sighed. One of the penalties of being CAG was that she couldn't just abandon herself to celebration as everyone else was doing. She had to count the cost of their victory as well.

She braced herself to ask. "How many did we lose?"

"Two raptors, seven vipers," said Seelix grimly. "And the Blackbird, of course."

Kara froze. The world turned eerily quiet, the noise of the crowd dying to a faint buzz in her ears.

"The Blackbird?" she repeated jerkily.

"Blown to pieces," said Seelix absently. "The Chief's going to be upset."

Kara barely heard her. _Blown to pieces._ She blinked, wondering why everything was suddenly fuzzy around the edges.

"Starbuck?" She realised Seelix was looking at her anxiously. "Are you all right?"

_No, I'm not. Not if he–_

She needed to know, needed to ask, but her throat didn't seem to work. She could only get out one word.

"Apollo-?"

Seelix blinked, a wave of remorse sweeping over her face. "Starbuck, I'm so sorry, I thought you knew-"

_Oh gods._ _No. _The deck tilted underneath her, and she felt Seelix grab her shoulder in support.

"He's okay," Seelix said hurriedly. "He ejected in time. He's alive."

_He's alive._ Kara took a long, slow breath as the world rushed back into focus.

Suddenly she could speak again. "Where is he?"

"In life station. His comms were damaged, so it took SAR a while to track him down. He'd run out of oxygen, and Racetrack had to resuscitate him."

Kara clenched her fists, digging her nails deeper into her palms with every word. "But he's alive?"

"He was when they took him to life station."

Kara nodded. She turned and left without another word, pushing through the crowd with blind determination. People called out to her, but she ignored them. All she could think about was getting to life station. She needed to see Lee.

--

Life station was crowded and chaotic, dealing with the casualties of the battle. Kara could see they were all too busy to answer her questions, so she simply looked for Lee herself, pulling back one curtain after another and ignoring the med staff's cries of protest.

She finally found him in the cubicle farthest from the entrance, a little removed from the bustle. Not that the noise would have bothered him; he was just lying there, deeply unconscious. He didn't stir as she sat beside him and took his hand.

Kara clutched it tightly, not caring that her nails were probably marking his skin. She stared fiercely at his pale, unresponsive face, reassuring herself that he was still here with her.

She was shaken by the depth of the emotion that had swept over her when she'd thought he was dead. For a moment she'd seen what her world would look like without him, and it had been a bleak place.

"How dare you scare me like that, you bastard," she muttered angrily.

"Well, I'm sure that will encourage him to wake up."

Kara scowled up at Cottle, who scowled back.

"What the hell do you think you're doing? Invading my sick bay without permission, interrupting my staff-"

"I needed to see Lee."

"Well, you've seen him," Cottle snapped. "Now get out."

Kara ignored him, staring at Lee's still face. "Is he – is he going to be okay?"

"That depends." Cottle's voice softened slightly. "I don't know how long he was without oxygen before Racetrack got to him. If it was too long-"

"What?" Kara demanded, glaring up at him. "Tell me."

"If he was starved of oxygen for too long, there could be brain damage. Serious damage. I'm running some tests, but we won't know for certain until he wakes up."

Kara bit her lip hard. "And when will that be?"

"No idea. Hopefully soon."

Kara tightened her grip on Lee's hand. "Then I'll stay here until he wakes." She stared at Cottle defiantly. "I'm not leaving him alone."

Cottle shrugged. "Fine. Have it your way. His father's on his way down here; he can deal with you. I've got more important things to do."

He left, and Kara turned back to Lee.

_Brain damage. _She reached out and stroked her fingers down his cheek, fighting to keep her composure. In some ways that thought was even worse than him dying, that he might wake and be utterly changed, a damaged, reduced shadow of himself.

_Lords of Kobol, watch over him. Don't take him from me. Not him. Not Lee._

On that thought, she looked down at his face and blinked. Suddenly it was as if she was seeing him for the first time.

It wasn't that he looked any different. It was the same face she had come to know so well; stubborn chin, sharp jawline, dark hair springing back from his brow. Just the same old Lee.

The change wasn't in him, it was in her. She was seeing him with different eyes, and it was as if the world had twisted when she wasn't looking and reshaped itself into a new pattern.

_I love him. I love Lee._

It was less of a realization than a recognition of something that had been lurking inside her for a long time now. Certainly since Caprica, maybe even before.

What a frakking mess.

But none of that mattered now. Nothing mattered but that Lee woke whole and unharmed, in his right mind.

Kara closed her eyes and prayed.


	33. Chapter 33

**Chapter Thirty-Three**

The commander arrived a few minutes later. Kara heard him talking to Cottle outside the cubicle, and then he pushed aside the curtain and entered.

"How is he?" Adama's face was as calm as ever, but Kara could see the anxiety clear in his eyes.

"No change yet."

Adama pulled up a chair on the opposite side of Lee's bed. He took his son's hand. "Come on, Lee," he murmured.

Kara echoed the words silently in her head. "He'll be okay," she said aloud, trying to sound convincing. "He's not the type to give up easily."

"No." Adama looked up at her and smiled. "There's no need for you to stay, Starbuck. You look like you need some rest, and I'm going to sit here for a while."

"Okay." Looking down at herself, Kara realised what he was trying to say. She was dirty and dishevelled from the battle, and hadn't even changed out of her flightsuit. But…she looked down at Lee and bit her lip. She couldn't leave him like this, not yet. "Sir, I'd like to stay a little longer. If you don't mind?"

Adama looked slightly surprised, but he shook his head. "Of course not. But I meant what I said – you do look like you need some rest. Another hour, and then I'm making it an order."

"Yes, sir."

----

About half an hour later, Lee finally woke. His eyelids started to flutter, and then gradually opened, the vivid blue of his eyes more startling than usual against his pale face.

"Lee." Adama stood up and bent over his son. Kara noticed he didn't release his grip on Lee's hand.

"Dad," Lee said with difficulty. His gaze moved over to the other side of the bed. "Kara."

Kara smiled at him, relief sweeping over her. He recognised them; surely that was a good sign. "Hey, lazybones. About time you woke up," she joked, pushing back the tears that threatened to fall.

Lee smiled faintly. "Sorry."

"Do you remember what happened?" asked Adama cautiously.

Lee frowned. "I was drifting…" he stopped, looking confused. "I was…the Blackbird. I was in the Blackbird, wasn't I?"

He didn't sound very certain. Adama sent Kara a worried glance over Lee's head, but he didn't let the anxiety show in his reply.

"That's right, son. The Blackbird was destroyed, and you had to eject. It took us a while to find you."

"Yes. I couldn't hear anybody."

"Your comms were damaged in the explosion."

"Seemed a long time…I couldn't breathe…" Lee trailed off, staring blankly at the ceiling.

"You ran out of oxygen," said Kara. She didn't like his vagueness. "Racetrack had to resuscitate you."

She wasn't sure if Lee heard her. He was still staring into space, frowning slightly. Then something flickered in his eyes.

"Zak." He turned his head towards Adama, looking suddenly much more lucid. "What happened? Is he okay?"

Kara blinked in surprise. Why wouldn't Zak be okay? He'd been safe on Pegasus through the whole battle. Lee really was confused.

But Adama didn't seem surprised by the question. "He's fine, Lee."

"Are you sure?" Lee wasn't reassured. His eyes fixed on Adama anxiously. "I wasn't there with him-"

"He's fine," said Adama firmly. He hesitated slightly, shooting a brief look at Kara, and then said: "He didn't have to do anything. I didn't go through with it."

Lee stared at his father. All the tension fled from his face, and he suddenly looked much younger. "You didn't?"

Adama shook his head.

"Why not?"

Adama was silent for a moment. "Several reasons…I thought about some of the things you said."

Lee stared at him with utter amazement, and the corners of Adama's mouth lifted slightly. "I do sometimes listen to what you say, you know. Just don't expect me to make a habit of it."

"I won't." A smile spread slowly over Lee's face. "Thanks."

Adama smiled back, and their eyes met. The atmosphere between them felt both hopeful and fragile, and Kara didn't dare say anything to break the moment, although she was bursting with curiosity to know what they were talking about.

The next moment Cottle pushed aside the curtain, scowling. He'd obviously heard them talking.

"Why the hell didn't you tell me he was awake?" He moved towards Lee purposefully. "I need to have a look at you, young man."

----

Cottle banished them both while he examined Lee, emerging to report that although Lee seemed a little disorientated, there didn't appear to be any serious injury to his brain.

"He's sleeping again now, which is probably the best thing for him."

Now they knew Lee was going to be all right, Adama wasn't taking any more excuses, and he packed Kara out of life station with orders to get some rest.

She went to get a shower first. It was an unutterable relief to peel off her sweaty flightsuit, and she closed her eyes in pure physical pleasure as the cool water hit her body. By the time she was clean and dressed in fresh clothes, she felt almost human again.

Amazingly enough, she managed to get from the shower to her rack without anyone cornering her with a question or request. She _must_ look tired.

But when she finally lay down gratefully in her rack and pulled the curtain shut, sleep eluded her. Now that her immediate worry about Lee had been lifted, her mind seemed stuck on the revelation that had hit her when she saw him in life station.

She loved Lee. Had loved him for a long time, in fact; she'd just refused to admit it until now.

She didn't understand how it had happened, or when these feelings had started, but there was no denying them.

She was in love with her boyfriend's brother.

She buried her face in her pillow, suddenly disgusted with herself. She'd always known she would screw up her relationship with Zak somehow – it was the fixed pattern of her life – but she'd never expected it to happen like this.

It wasn't that she didn't love Zak any more. Sure, he'd changed since the attacks, and even more while she was away on Caprica; he was older and more serious than the laughing, easy-going young man she'd fallen in love with. He was less tolerant of her moods, and there was a distance between them that hadn't been there before.

But that didn't mean she'd stopped loving him. His smile still made her heart lift, she still relied on the security of his presence, on the comfort of his love for her. He was the only man who'd ever accepted her for who she was, and she valued that.

Well…the only man until Lee. Lee accepted her too – and more than that, he understood her. It scared her sometimes, the way he seemed to know what she was thinking and feeling with only a look or a few words. As did the way she had ended up telling him secrets she had never told Zak.

She might still love Zak, but now she loved Lee too. And it was different, as different as night from day.

She knew why she loved Zak, could list the reasons in her head. She wasn't really sure why she loved Lee. She just did, and the simple illogic of it scared her. In fact, everything about her feelings for him scared her. They were too huge, too overwhelming. She remembered the way she had felt when she'd thought he was dead, the bleak despair that had swept over her at the thought of losing him, and squeezed her fists as if she could crush the emotions to powder. They made her feel vulnerable, and she hated feeling vulnerable.

She turned over to face the wall, wondering what the hell she was going to do.

_Don't be stupid. You know what you're going to do. You're going to stay with Zak. For once in your life, you're not going to screw up._

She wasn't. She wasn't going to throw away the most stable relationship she'd ever had, the best thing that had ever happened to her, for some stupid infatuation.

Acting on her feelings for Lee would only lead to disaster. It would probably rip the brothers apart, and she didn't want to hurt either of them, or the relationship they'd so recently rebuilt between them.

Besides, she wasn't at all sure Lee loved her. He was attracted to her, their kiss in the firing range had made that perfectly clear, but attraction was a long way from love.

But Zak - Zak loved her. Zak had given her the love and security she'd never believed she deserved, and she wasn't going to betray that. No, she'd keep her distance from Lee, ignore these feelings for him until they faded away. Prove that she wasn't a self-destructive screw-up, that she was worthy of Zak's love.

She was going to prove her mother wrong.

----

Cottle insisted on keeping Lee in life station for a few days for observation. Lee didn't protest. He was in no hurry to go back to Pegasus and face the hostility of the other pilots.

Then Cain was murdered, and everything changed.

Word was that the Cylon prisoner on Pegasus had escaped and killed her. A cynical part of Lee couldn't help wondering if that was really true. Cain's death was so very convenient, particularly for President Roslin. Maybe after his father had pulled out of the assassination plan, she'd tried again and used the escaped Cylon as a cover.

He was sure his father wasn't involved, though. Not after what he'd said when Lee first woke. The sincerity had been clear in his eyes when he'd said he'd changed his mind. Lee still couldn't quite believe that his own words had influenced his father's decision. It gave him a warm feeling every time he thought about it. Maybe there was hope for him and his father after all.

Bill was certainly making an effort to visit him regularly in life station. Conversation between them was still awkward, and restricted mainly to military issues, but at least they were talking. Lee had spent so much time convincing himself that he didn't need or want his father in his life, he hadn't realised before quite how much he had missed the tentative companionship that had developed between them in the first weeks of their reunion. It was good to have it back, at least a little.

When Bill told Lee he'd been promoted to admiral – looking slightly embarrassed, much to Lee's amazement – he was glad he was able to congratulate his father and mean it.

One of Bill's first actions as admiral was to transfer both his sons back to Galactica. Lee wasn't sure how he felt about that. He had missed Galactica and his friends, but it also meant he was stuck back in close proximity to Kara again.

Although that wasn't a problem at the moment; Kara hadn't been back to visit him since he'd woken up. It hurt more than he wanted to admit. He'd thought they were friends, if nothing else. He knew she was probably busy, but surely she could have found the time for at least one visit?

Every time the curtain around his cubicle was pushed back he looked up, hoping it was her, but it never was. It was his father or Kat or Hotdog - or Zak, relieved to be back from Pegasus.

Zak's first visit had been awkward. Lee still found it hard to accept that his brother had been prepared to assassinate Cain. He'd assumed that Zak would feel as he did, and it had been a shock to discover that he didn't.

The trouble was that he was so used to thinking of Zak as the little brother who had always followed his lead unquestioningly. He forgot sometimes that Zak was an adult now, with thoughts and opinions which might not agree with his own. Lee knew he had to accept that, especially after all these years complaining about his father refusing to allow him that same right. Anything else would be hypocritical. So he made an effort to forget about their argument, and after that first visit they were back on easy terms.

----

"You'll be glad to hear I'm ready to kick you out," said Cottle. "Your tests are all clear, and you don't seem to have suffered any permanent damage from your little adventure." He looked up from his clipboard abruptly, eyes pinning Lee to the wall. "Though I hear you're not sleeping well. Nightmares, Ishay told me."

Lee nodded, flushing slightly with embarrassment. But he could hardly deny it. The last few nightmares had been so violent that he'd woken the patients next to him as well as the med staff.

"Are they about the accident?"

Lee nodded again. Well, they were to an extent. He was dreaming about the Scylla incident as well as his experience in the Blackbird, the two memories so entwined together in the dream that he couldn't distinguish them.

He still wasn't entirely sure what had happened out there. His memory of what had happened after he ejected was so blurred and jumbled that he found it hard to make sense of it. He even thought he remembered deliberately letting go of the hole in his flightsuit, which was ridiculous. Why would he deliberately let his oxygen run out? He didn't want to die. But the memory seemed so real…

In the nine years since the incident on the Scylla, he'd never entirely stopped having nightmares about it, although their frequency had diminished over time. But now his experience in the Blackbird seemed to have dragged all those old fears out of the corners of his mind, and he was struggling to banish them again.

"Well, it's not unusual after something like this," said Cottle, interrupting his thoughts. "I'll give you a two week course of sleeping pills, and after that I hope you'll be able to sleep on your own. If not, we'll have to look at other options."

_Over my dead body,_ Lee thought. He knew exactly what Cottle meant by 'other options'. He meant a psychiatrist, and there was no way he was going to sit and spill his guts to some stranger.

"I'm sure I'll be fine by then," he said firmly.

He would. He'd make sure of it. He could quell his nightmares if he put his mind to it, and he refused to allow himself to be controlled by ridiculous fears.

But it still cost him an effort to ask the next question. "What about flying?"

Cottle's brow furrowed. "I'm not going to clear you for flight duty for at least two weeks, and don't even think about trying to convince me otherwise. I know what you pilots are like, but you're not fit enough yet, and that's final."

Lee tried to look disappointed, but inside he was consumed with relief. Getting into a flightsuit had always taken an effort of will, and after what had happened it would be a hundred times worse. He was glad he didn't have to face up to it just yet.

"I'm only releasing you for limited duties. Maintenance shifts are fine, but no flying. Got it?" Cottle was still looking suspicious.

"Yes."

"Good. Get dressed and then come to my office to pick up the sleeping pills."

----

Zak had gathered up Lee's belongings and brought them over with his own from Pegasus, so once he'd got the pills from Cottle, Lee went to the pilots' bunkroom to unpack.

He found himself smiling slightly as he walked down the familiar corridors of Galactica, answering greetings from the crew members he passed. It was good to be back.

He entered the bunkroom and headed for his rack – only to find Hotdog lying in it.

Lee stopped in surprise. "Hey, Hotdog. Your own rack not good enough for you?"

Hotdog blinked up at him. "Apollo. I didn't realise Cottle was springing you today." He sat up slowly.

"So what's going on? You keeping my rack warm for me or something? I'm touched."

"Actually, this is my rack now." Hotdog looked slightly awkward. "The CAG did a bit of reshuffling while you were away."

"Oh." Lee was taken aback. He'd only been away for a few weeks. "Where am I now then?"

Hotdog pointed down to the end of the bunkroom. "Last one on the left, bottom row."

"So I'm exiled to the outer limits?"

Lee tried to make a joke of it, but Hotdog still looked uneasy. "I'm sorry, Apollo. I meant to tell you before you got out of life station, but there hasn't been time-"

"Hotdog, don't worry about it," said Lee quickly. "I really don't care where I sleep. Besides, it'll be quieter down there, away from the hatch." He produced a smile, and was pleased to see Hotdog relax. "I'll just go and settle in."

Hotdog smiled and lay back down. Lee dumped his bag on his new rack and started to unpack, wondering why he felt so unsettled by the change. After all, what he'd said to Hotdog was true; it shouldn't matter where he slept.

He supposed he'd just got used to having that rack, and the change of routine was disorientating. He'd soon adjust.

----

Once unpacked, he went to find Kara to report for duty. He found her in her office, surrounded by paperwork as usual. She looked up and frowned as he pushed open the hatch.

"How many times do I have to tell you nuggets to knock…oh. Apollo. Didn't realise you were out of life station."

_Maybe you would have if you'd bothered to come and visit me_, was the bitter retort that sprang to Lee's lips, but he swallowed it down. He didn't want to show her how much her neglect had hurt him.

"Cottle's released me for duty, but I'm not cleared for flight status yet."

"Well, the Chief can always do with some help with maintenance." Kara pulled a piece of paper towards her. "I'll put you on shift at 1800, that'll give you time to settle back in. When is Cottle reviewing your flight status?"

"Two weeks." Lee looked at her, frowning. Why was she acting so stiff and professional all of a sudden? She hadn't even asked how he was.

He tried to lighten the atmosphere. "So feel free to load me down with your paperwork until then. Take advantage of my spare time." He smiled.

Kara looked up at him, but she didn't smile back. "Actually, Apollo, I won't be needing your help with my paperwork any more."

"You won't?"

"No. I'm more familiar with it all now, so I'm getting through it much more quickly. I managed fine without you while you were on Pegasus, so I don't think I need you any more."

"Okay." Lee looked at her uneasily. Everything she said made sense, but…something just didn't seem right. She'd always been keen to have his help before.

"Is there anything else? Because I have to get these evaluation forms filled out." The note of dismissal was clear in Kara's voice, and Lee blinked again.

"No. Except-" He decided to pretend he hadn't noticed her distant manner. Maybe he was just imagining things. Paperwork always put her in a bad mood. "I wondered if you wanted to grab some dinner later. You can fill me in on what's happening while I've been away."

A long pause. Something that looked like regret flickered across her face, and then she finally smiled at him. It ought to have reassured him, but it didn't. It looked too forced, and it didn't reach her eyes. "Thanks, Apollo, but I'm too busy today. Some other time, maybe?"

He nodded stiffly. "Some other time."

Kara nodded back and then returned her attention to her work, leaving him with no option but to leave. Lee stood for a moment in the corridor outside her office, feeling bewildered. What was going on? Why was she being so distant? Had he done something to upset her?

Maybe she was just in an odd mood. She'd probably be back to her old self tomorrow.

----

But she wasn't. Over the next two weeks, Lee was made painfully aware that he wasn't imagining things. Kara was definitely avoiding him.

The only time he saw her was at pilot briefings or on the hangar deck. Every time he suggested eating together or going to the gym she had somewhere else she needed to be. Hell, she didn't even seem to want to be in the same room as him; whenever he met her in the mess, or the rec room, or the gym, she always seemed to be just leaving. When she did talk to him, it was strictly formal; she always called him Apollo, and never looked him in the eye.

It was as if she had flicked a switch, and suddenly they weren't friends any more. As simple as that.

Lee didn't know what to do. He was too bewildered at first, and too hurt. Hurt that she seemed to be able to shut him out so easily, end their friendship with no appearance of regret. He'd thought they had something…important. That she valued his friendship as much as he did hers.

Obviously not. It hurt much more than he was prepared for.

_You should be glad,_ a little voice mocked inside his head. _Isn't this what you wanted? Some distance between you? _

But he wasn't glad. Life seemed so empty and flat without her. He desperately wanted her to laugh at him, insult his card playing, challenge him to a race, mock him…anything except this polite formality.

How was it possible to miss someone so much when they were right there in front of you?

----

His only comfort was that fretting over Kara made him forget about what had happened in the Blackbird for a while.

He was acutely aware, as the bottle of pills Cottle had given him gradually emptied, that the time for his flight status review was getting closer and closer.

He didn't know what to hope for. Part of him wanted to get back on duty. Being grounded made him feel useless, and guilty that his fellow pilots were going out daily to risk their lives while he stayed safely on Galactica. But another part of him dreaded the idea. The thought of putting that flightsuit on and going back out into the cold darkness made his breath stutter and his heart thump erratically. But at the same time he desperately missed flying. Missed that unique feeling of freedom, of exhilaration, that had grabbed hold of him the first time he'd sat in a viper and never released its grip since.

So when Cottle told him he was cleared to fly, Lee didn't know whether to thank him or curse him.

"How are you sleeping?" Cottle asked. "You've had two nights without the pills now. Any problems?"

"No." It wasn't exactly a lie, Lee told himself. They were just dreams, not the violent nightmares he'd had in life station. He hadn't woken up screaming, just breathing a little faster than usual.

He could deal with dreams, and he could get back in his viper. All he needed was determination, and he'd always had plenty of that.

----

He went to Kara's office after leaving life station, and deliberately walked in without bothering to knock. He noted her flush of annoyance with satisfaction as he tossed the papers he carried down on her desk.

"What's this?"

"Medical clearance from Cottle. You can put me back on the roster."

"Oh. Thanks." She pulled the papers towards her. "Was there anything else, Lieutenant?"

Something inside Lee snapped at her tone. All the pain and frustration of the last two weeks suddenly boiled over.

"Yes, Major, there is something else." His caustic tone made Kara's head jerk up abruptly. "I want to know why you're ignoring me."

He saw Kara stiffen in her chair. "I'm not ignoring you."

"Yes, you damn well are. Don't treat me like an idiot, Kara."

"I speak to you all the time."

"Only when it's about work," he said bitterly. "Only when you can't avoid it."

Guilt flickered in her eyes. "I've just been busy, Apollo-"

"Lee!" he shouted, control snapping altogether. "My name is Lee, and you can frakking well use it."

Kara stood up slowly, a dangerous light in her eyes. "Don't you talk to me like that, Lieutenant. Or do you want to end up in the brig?"

"I'd prefer that to you being so damn polite all the time," Lee snapped back. She could throw him in the brig if she liked; he didn't care. At least he'd have made his point.

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

The sight of her anger warmed him. Finally he was seeing the real Kara, for the first time since he'd got out of life station.

"Nothing at all," he said sarcastically. "Just that you're suddenly treating me like a stranger you don't particularly like." He was pleased to see her flinch, and ruthlessly pushed home his advantage. "I thought we were friends, Kara."

The anger faded abruptly from her face, and she looked down at her desk. "We were."

Were, not are. He had to suppress a flinch of his own.

"So what happened? What did I do?" He heard his voice shake, and hated himself for showing the weakness. Why did his control always slip when it came to her?

Kara sighed. "You didn't do anything. It was something you said."

"What did I say?"

"It was before you went to Pegasus." She looked up at him, with a deep sadness in her eyes that took him off guard. "You said that we might do better at a safe distance."

Lee struggled for a reply. It was the last thing he'd expected to hear. "Kara-"

"You were right, Lee." He'd never heard her sound so grave. "We got too close to each other before. That's – that's why the firing range happened."

Lee stared at her, feeling suddenly helpless, as if he was struggling in icy water with nothing to stop him from going under.

"We can't let that happen again, Lee. At least,_ I _can't. So I think it's better if we put some distance between us." Her voice trembled slightly. "For Zak's sake, if nothing else."

That last sentence cut him off at the knees, just as she knew it would. He desperately wanted to argue with her, but he couldn't. Because everything she'd said was absolutely right. They _had_ got too close to each other, and they couldn't let it happen again.

However much it hurt. However empty the thought of losing her friendship, of being colleagues and nothing more, made him feel.

He owed Zak that much.

He wanted to tell her that, but he couldn't get the words out, his throat was too tight. Then their eyes met, and realised he didn't need to say them. One shared glance told him she understood, and that she felt exactly the same way.

They stood in silence for a moment, eyes locked, before he got up the strength to tear his gaze away.

He took a deep breath, pushing Lee down under the cover of Apollo. He had to do this.

"I understand, Major," he said slowly. He gave her a formal salute.

She returned his salute with the same careful formality, although her eyes were dark with hurt. "Thank you, Lieutenant."

"I'll…see you on CAP?" He couldn't stop himself asking the question.

"You will." She seemed eager to reassure him. "It'll be good to have you back on my wing, Apollo."

At least he still had that. They could still fly together.

It was better than nothing.

----

Kara scheduled them to fly CAP the following morning.

Lee didn't have any dreams about drifting in space the night before, but unfortunately that was because he hadn't slept at all. He'd spent the whole night tossing and turning, too wound up at the prospect of going back out into space again to relax. His mind wouldn't shut down, too busy conjuring up unpleasant scenarios of everything that could go wrong.

_Everything will be fine,_ he told himself firmly as he showered. He'd flown CAP hundreds of times before with no problems. Why should this be any different?

He was bound to feel a bit nervous after what had happened, but that would soon pass. He wouldn't let it affect him.

But as soon as he put on his flightsuit he felt his muscles tense up. The thick, slippery material felt incredibly constricting, and for a moment he found it hard to catch his breath. Memory flooded him…_struggling to breathe, waiting for help that never came_…

"Apollo!"

Lee started, and looked up to find Kat staring at him curiously. "Are you all right?"

"I'm fine," he said, mustering up a smile and hoping it looked convincing.

"You'd better get to the hangar deck. Starbuck'll bite your head off if you're late."

"Right." Lee picked up his helmet and left.

Down in the hangar bay, he started his pre-flight check, but even that familiar routine didn't settle him.

Tyrol greeted him cheerfully as he signed it off. "Good to have you back in one of my birds, Lieutenant. Just try to bring this one back in one piece, huh?"

Lee was so lost in his thoughts it took him a second to get the joke. He raised a thin smile. "I'll try my best, Chief."

Tyrol shot him a puzzled glance. "That's all I ask, sir. You'd better get in, Starbuck's ready to go."

Get in. Of course. Lee looked at the ladder that stretched up to the cockpit and suddenly looked as high as Mount Olympus.

_You can do this._

He handed his helmet to a deckhand and determinedly climbed the steps. Settled himself in the cockpit.

_Nothing to be afraid of. You've done this a hundred times before._

But he couldn't help looking down at the oxygen gauge on his suit, double-checking that it was full.

_See? Nothing to worry about._

But then a deckhand appeared at the top of the ladder, flight collar and helmet in hand. He helped Lee snap the collar shut around his neck, and then passed him the helmet.

For a moment Lee just stared at it. Only a simple bubble of glass, but it suddenly filled him with horror.

_I don't want to put it on._

If he put it on he'd be trapped. All the air would suck away and he'd be left drifting…

"Sir? Apollo?" The deckhand was looking at him oddly. "You need to put on your helmet so we can launch, sir."

"Yes." How long had he been sitting there staring at it? Lee wasn't sure.

_You can do this. Come on._

He took a deep breath, and put the helmet over his head, forcing the panic down. Snapped it into place.

For a moment he held his breath, afraid to let it go, to trust that his suit would let him breathe.

_Come on, Lee._

He forced himself to open his mouth as the deckhand closed the canopy, to take that first breath. Air rushed into his lungs, and he felt almost dizzy with relief.

He took several more breaths, forcing himself to keep them even and regular, and he felt steadier as he got ready for launch.

He followed Starbuck out of the launch tubes, and fell into formation beside her as they began their circuit around the fleet.

It was so dark.

It wasn't too bad while they were threading their way through the fleet, but once they'd left the last ships behind and were out on their own, he could feel himself tense up again. He was acutely aware of the huge sucking vacuum around him, and the fact that only two thin layers of glass separated him from it. He could hear his heart thumping loudly.

"Stay with me, Apollo." Kara's voice in his ears made him jump. "You're lagging behind."

Lee blinked and realised her viper was several lengths ahead. "Wilco, Starbuck." He pushed on the throttle and pulled up into formation next to her.

"So how does it feel to be back out here?"

"Good," he said, wishing it was true. He could feel his throat clogging up again.

"Glad to hear it."

Kara fell silent after that. She usually talked non-stop while out on CAP, but Lee supposed this was part of her plan to keep a distance from him. Another time it might have bothered him, but today he didn't mind. It was taking every particle of his concentration to keep calm.

He was constantly looking down at his oxygen gauge, checking the levels. Everything appeared fine, but was it? What if the arrow wasn't registering properly? What if he had another leak in his suit? He found himself scanning his suit minutely, looking for tears.

His heart was beating faster and faster, so strongly that he could feel it knocking against his ribs. Kara said something over the comms, but he couldn't quite make it out over the thudding in his ears.

"Apollo, possible bogey three o'clock…"

Lee opened his mouth to reply, but at that moment he was struck by a sharp pain in his chest, so acute that he almost doubled over. His heart was still crashing against his ribs…it felt almost as if he was having a heart attack…

"Apollo, I have two Cylon raiders on dradis. Do you copy?"

He tried to reply, but his throat was so constricted that he couldn't get the words out. The air felt suddenly thick and heavy, and he struggled to breathe.

_I was right, something's wrong with my suit. All my oxygen's draining away…_

The level on the gauge was still high, but he knew it was lying. He was gasping and choking, and he bent over as another wave of pain radiated across his upper chest.

Something buzzed in his ears. It must be Kara, but he couldn't make out the words. It didn't matter anyway, he was suffocating again and this time no-one was going to bring him back…

He struggled desperately to clear his throat, to catch his breath, but he couldn't. There was no air left to breathe.

The buzzing in his ears grew louder and louder, but none of it penetrated, until suddenly he heard his name, ringing through his ears so loudly that he flinched.

"Lee! You have to move!"

_Move? Move where?_ He blinked, feeling dazed. The thunder of his heartbeat receded slightly.

"Lee! Bank left! Now!"

He looked round in confusion – and that was when he saw the grey missile hurtling straight towards him.


	34. Chapter 34

**Chapter Thirty-Four**

Kara smiled sharply as the blips she had spotted on her dradis were confirmed as Cylons. Her last few CAPs had been dull and uneventful; it would be good to finally see a little action.

"Apollo, I have two Cylon raiders on dradis. Do you copy?"

She scanned around her as she spoke, braced for more raiders to appear, but she could still only see the two.

"Galactica, Starbuck. Any more raiders?"

"Negative, Starbuck." She smiled to hear Zak's voice. It was good to have him back in Galactica's CIC. "Only two raiders confirmed."

"Roger, Galactica." Her grin broadened. She and Lee could take out two raiders, no problem.

"Weapons free, Apollo. I'll go left, you go right. Do you copy?"

Silence. Kara frowned impatiently.

"Apollo, Starbuck. Do you copy?" The raiders were getting closer now.

Still no reply. She scowled. What the frak was he playing at? "Apollo, do you copy?" She suddenly realised that she hadn't heard anything from Lee since the Cylons had appeared. She jerked her head around to look at his viper.

He wasn't beside her.

"Apollo! Where are you? Confirm your position!"

Still no reply, but she spotted him on dradis, some distance behind her. He wasn't moving.

"Apollo, Starbuck, report! What's your condition? Do you copy?"

Had he been hit? Maybe that was why he wasn't replying, maybe his comms had been damaged. Or maybe he'd been injured…a memory of him lying unconscious in life station swept over her, and she had to push down a wave of nausea.

She tried switching channels. Maybe she'd have more luck with a different frequency. "Apollo, Starbuck, do you copy?"

Nothing.

"Galactica, can you contact Apollo?" She heard Zak trying, but he had no more success than she did at raising a response from Lee. Part of her attention was still firmly fixed on the raiders, getting closer…

_Frak. No more time._ She pushed on the throttle, and targeted the first raider.

He dodged out of her firing line just in time. Wily bastard. She chased after him, but he led her quite a dance, nimbly darting out of her way.

_You won't escape me, frak you._ She feinted left, waited till the last possible second before turning, muscles screaming under the pressure.

That caught him off guard. Kara fired, and whooped in triumph as the raider disintegrated in a ball of flame.

Now where was the other one…oh frak.

It was bearing down on Lee, who still hadn't moved.

"Apollo! Cylon on your tail!"

There was no response, and his viper still floated motionless, as if he hadn't even noticed the raider's presence.

Kara pushed the throttle as hard as she could. She had to get to him, had to…but even as she thought it, she saw a missile streak out from the raider towards Lee's viper.

"Lee! You have to move!" Too late, too late, she was too far away, the missile was going to hit and there was nothing she could do… "Lee!" _I can't lose him, I can't, I can't._ "Bank left! Now!"

Lee moved.

The missile streaked past him, almost catching the edge of his wing. It circled back around, following his heat signature, but those extra few seconds gave Kara the time she needed to get in range and shoot it down.

She flipped around immediately, scanning for the second raider. She spotted her prey, coming up behind Lee, and didn't even think as she swooped in for the kill, selecting the angle and locking the target instinctively. A second later, and the raider was in pieces.

"Galactica, Starbuck. Raiders destroyed."

"Copy that, Starbuck. Return to Galactica immediately." So the fleet could jump away before any more turned up.

"Wilco, Galactica." She switched channels. One last try. "Apollo, do you copy?"

A moment, and then she choked with relief as his voice sounded in her ears, slightly shaky. "Copy that, Starbuck. Return to Galactica."

So his comms _weren't_ damaged. Then why the hell hadn't he answered her earlier? Relief was smothered by anger, and she switched to a private channel.

"Lee, what the frak happened there?"

"I don't know." He still sounded shaky.

"You nearly got yourself killed!"

"I'm sorry."

"Frak sorry. You'd better have a good explanation when we land." She cut the connection, unable to say any more as she struggled with a mixture of relief and fury.

----

The FTL jump kicked in just as Kara landed. She waited impatiently for her head to clear, and for a deckhand to remove her collar, then headed straight for Lee's viper.

He was leaning against his viper's ladder, looking paler than she had ever seen him. Her heart twisted at the sight, and she damned him under her breath for it. She hated feeling this vulnerable.

So she expelled the emotion by yelling at him. "What the frak were you doing?"

Lee looked up. His blue eyes were dazed, and it seemed to take a second for her presence to register.

"You were a sitting duck out there. Do you have a death wish or something?" He just stared at her, and Kara shoved him back against the ladder, infuriated by his blank response. "Why were you ignoring the comms? When I give you an order, Apollo, you frakking reply to it!"

"I couldn't."

Finally a response, although it was so quiet she could barely hear him. "What do you mean, you couldn't?"

"I couldn't answer. I couldn't breathe, and my chest hurt…"

Anger disappeared in a surge of panic. Gods, she hadn't even thought that he might be ill, even though he'd only just been cleared for duty. No, she was too busy shouting at him and being a frakking idiot…

"Come on. I'm taking you to get checked out by Cottle." Lee didn't even try to argue, and that only worried her more.

----

Lee felt numb. The bustle of life station around him seemed distant and muted, as if there was a pane of thick glass separating him from the rest of the world, and he was glad of it. He didn't feel able to deal with anything just at the moment. He was too shaken and confused by what had happened.

He'd almost died out there. If Kara hadn't got through to him in time, if he hadn't gathered his wits enough to move his viper…he gripped the edge of the bed tightly at the thought.

"Lieutenant?" He blinked and realised Cottle was standing in front of him. He hadn't heard the doctor approach. "How are you feeling?"

"Better." It was true; he was breathing easily again, and the nausea had subsided.

"How's the chest pain?"

"Gone." It had started to ease the moment he landed, and had now disappeared altogether. He looked at Cottle, bracing himself. "What was it? It felt – it felt like I was having a heart attack."

"Did it? Well, I've got your test results back, Lieutenant, and I can reassure you on that point. There's nothing wrong with your heart."

"Then what happened?"

"You had a panic attack."

"What?" Lee stared at the doctor, anger stirring. "What do you mean by that? Do you think I'm making this up?"

"No, I-"

"Well, I'm not! I didn't imagine it!"

"I didn't say you did!" Cottle snapped back, with a force that silenced Lee momentarily. "The physical symptoms of a panic attack are very similar to a heart attack, and feel just as real."

"But-" Lee's head was whirling. What was Cottle saying? That he was crazy? Imagining problems that weren't there?

"Shut up and listen to me for a moment," continued Cottle, glaring at him. "Physically, there's nothing wrong with you, and every symptom you've described to me is a classic sign of a panic attack. Plus it happened your first time back in a viper after a near fatal accident, which I know you've been having nightmares about…they haven't stopped, have they?"

Lee shook his head reluctantly, and Cottle scowled at him.

"This is why I tell patients not to lie to me. So stop it. Were you afraid of getting back in the viper?"

Lee forced himself to answer. "Yes."

"Then you had a panic attack."

Lee felt utterly humiliated. To be so overwhelmed by his fears that he'd nearly got himself killed and had to be rescued…he'd thought he was stronger than that. But obviously he wasn't. He'd broken under the pressure, and let everyone down.

"It's nothing to be ashamed of, Lieutenant." Cottle was looking at him sympathetically, and Lee flinched involuntarily. He didn't want to be pitied. "Panic attacks are a perfectly normal reaction to a traumatic experience."

"Will it happen again?" He had to know the worst.

"That depends." Cottle's eyes fixed on his compellingly. "Has anything like this happened to you before? And remember what I said about patients who lie to me."

"Yes." Lee had to struggle to get the word out, hating the admission of weakness.

Cottle nodded. "Well then, it probably _will_ happen again. So I think you'd better start talking."

----

"A _panic attack_?" Adama pronounced the words as if he'd never heard them before, and Cottle rolled his eyes.

"You're as bad as your son. It's a common reaction to stress or trauma. And no, it doesn't mean he's crazy. It causes very real physical symptoms – chest pain, difficulty in breathing, nausea – to the sufferer it feels as if they're choking or having a heart attack. It's no wonder he wasn't responding to the comms, or aware of what was going on out there."

"But he's all right now?" asked Kara, needing the reassurance.

Cottle nodded. "The symptoms usually subside within half an hour of the onset of the attack. I've checked his test results, and he's fine. Physically, anyway."

Zak shifted in his seat next to Kara. It was a tight fit for the four of them in Cottle's office, but the doctor had insisted on the privacy.

"So what triggered the attack in the first place?"

Cottle looked at Zak almost approvingly. "That's a very good question."

"It must have been getting back in the viper," said Kara, putting it together. "It's the first time he's flown since the Blackbird blew up." _I should have been keeping a closer eye on him…_

"So all this stems from the Blackbird incident?" said Adama.

"Well, that's what I thought at first," said Cottle slowly. "It's the type of experience that could easily cause this kind of reaction, and I know he's been having nightmares about it-"

"And you still cleared him for flight status?" Adama glared at the doctor.

Cottle glared back. "He told me he wasn't having them any more. I can't help people if they lie to me."

"Sounds like Lee," said Zak, sending a calming glance at his father. "You know he never likes to admit to a weakness, Dad."

Adama nodded grudgingly.

"As I was saying," Cottle continued wearily, "I thought initially that this was all due to what happened with the Blackbird, but then I asked him if he'd had any similar attacks before, and he admitted he had. He said they'd never been this bad before and he'd been dealing with them for years."

"_Years_?" Adama stared at Cottle.

"Yes, years. So it looks to me as if the Blackbird incident isn't the cause. Instead it exacerbated a pre-existing problem."

"So what caused the original problem?"

Cottle frowned. "That's where I hit a brick wall. He wouldn't tell me, even though I pushed him pretty hard."

"I bet you did," Adama muttered, and Cottle shot him a caustic glance.

"He's a chip off the old block, that one." He looked round at them all. "That's where you three come in. I was hoping you might be able to shed some light on the subject. Do you know of any traumatic experience he's been through related to flying? From childhood perhaps?"

Adama frowned. "I can't think of anything." He looked over at Zak. "Though you'd probably know better than me."

Zak shook his head. "I don't remember anything. Well, he did use to avoid those raptor flights you organised as treats, but I don't think he was afraid of flying, he was just-" He broke off, looking awkward.

"Just trying to annoy me. I know," said Adama ruefully.

"What about you?" Cottle asked Kara. "Any ideas?"

Kara frowned, remembering something. "I don't know of any event that could have caused this, but I think you're right about it dating from before the Blackbird."

"Why?"

"When we went to Caprica in the raider…I think he might have been having a panic attack then. I didn't realise it at the time, but now – he was obviously uncomfortable in the raider, and something was off with his breathing."

"Hm. Definitely sounds like it could have been a mild attack," said Cottle.

"So what happens now?" asked Adama. "How can you fix this?"

Cottle looked at him with ironic amusement. "I'm not sure I _can_ 'fix this', as you put it. There are anti-anxiety drugs I can give him, but they won't solve the problem. He needs therapy to help him manage the symptoms, and that's not my field. He needs to see a psychiatrist."

Adama frowned. "There's at least one I've heard of in the fleet."

Cottle nodded. "Dr Seton on Cloud Nine. I'll get in touch with her, but there's one problem."

"What?"

"Your son is not at all receptive to the idea of seeing her. Insists he can deal with this himself." He looked at Adama, lips twisting with amusement. "I'm counting on you to convince him otherwise."

----

Bill paused outside Lee's cubicle, mentally preparing himself for the conversation ahead. Not that preparation ever seemed to help him when dealing with Lee, he thought wryly. But he was determined at least that he was going to remain calm and not lose his temper.

He pushed back the curtain. Lee was sitting up in the bed. He looked up as Bill entered, and Bill sighed at the look on his son's face. Shuttered eyes, set mouth; Lee at his most defensive.

"How are you feeling?" he asked, taking a chair beside the bed.

"Fine," Lee said dismissively. He stared at Bill sharply. "I suppose you've seen Cottle?"

Bill nodded. "He gave me his diagnosis."

"You mean he told you I panicked," said Lee harshly. "You don't need to tiptoe around it, Dad. I nearly got myself killed because I'm too weak to control my fears."

"That's not what he said at all." Bill paused, unsure what to say. The self-disgust in Lee's voice was unmistakable; he obviously felt that he'd failed himself by succumbing to the panic attack. He struggled for the words to convince his son otherwise.

Lee interrupted him before he had a chance to think of anything. "You're going to ground me, aren't you."

Another minefield. Bill took a deep breath. "I can't see that I have any other choice. Cottle says it's likely this could happen again, and if it does-"

"It wouldn't be just my own life in danger," finished Lee in a low voice. He was staring down at the bed. "If the other pilots can't rely on me for back-up I'm endangering them too."

"Yes."

Lee looked up, his eyes suddenly bright. "I'm sorry, Dad. For letting you all down like this."

"You haven't let us down," said Bill firmly. "Cottle said this is a common condition, it can happen to anyone."

The set expression on Lee's face wavered slightly. "Dad-"

"The only way you're going to let me down is if you don't fight this."

"Oh." Lee's face hardened again. "You mean you want me to see the shrink."

"Yes."

"I don't need to, Dad. I can deal with this myself, I always have. I just need a bit of time to adjust."

"Really?"

"Yes. I don't need some stranger poking round inside my head."

"Cottle seems to disagree." Bill sympathised with Lee's viewpoint – he wasn't too keen on shrinks himself - but he couldn't help remembering just how close his son had come to dying today. "I think you should see the psychiatrist."

"I don't need to." Lee's mouth set stubbornly.

Bill sighed. He'd hoped it wouldn't have to come to this. "I'll make it an order, Lieutenant. If I have to."

Silence. Lee stared at him for a long moment, eyes blazing.

"I could resign," he said tightly.

Bill kept his face calm, knowing Lee was watching his reaction closely. "You could."

"You don't think I will?" Lee asked challengingly, and Bill was abruptly reminded of a much younger Lee, testing him in just the same way.

"No," he said, forcing himself to keep calm. "Because you know that I need every officer I've got. That the fleet needs every pilot we've got. And you've never been someone who turns his back when he's needed."

Another silence. Bill risked a look at Lee's face, and was amazed to see that the hard defensive mask had faded. Instead Lee looked…well, he looked almost _pleased_. Bill blinked in surprise at the effect of his indirect praise. He'd never thought Lee cared a cubit about what he thought of him.

"All right," said Lee slowly. "I'll see the shrink."

Bill smiled inwardly. "Good." He took a risk and put his hand over his son's. Lee tensed, but he didn't pull away. "You can beat this, son. I know you can."

----

A few days later, Lee was sitting in the mess pushing some food around his plate when Zak sat down opposite him.

"Hey big brother," he said with a grin.

"Someone's very cheerful today," muttered Lee.

"That's because I've got two leave passes for us to go to Cloud Nine this evening."

Lee blinked in surprise. "You have?"

"Right here in my pocket," Zak said smugly.

Lee stared at him suspiciously. "Dad put you up to this, didn't he?"

"Yes," said Zak immediately, taking the wind out of Lee's sails. He'd expected his brother to deny it. "He thought you could do with a break."

Lee scowled. "So now I'm getting special treatment? I need some downtime because my nerves can't take it?"

Zak looked at him for a moment, rolling his eyes. "Lee, stop being such a brat."

Lee's mouth dropped open in surprise. "What?"

"Yes, Dad's worried about you, and he thought this would help. What's wrong with that?" Zak grinned as Lee struggled for a reply. "And if you say that you don't need his help, I'm going to punch you."

Lee was surprised into a laugh. "You sound serious."

"I am." Zak smiled again, but there was a hint of gravity in his eyes. "Come on, Lee. Dad's making an effort to help you, so why can't you accept it?"

Lee shifted uncomfortably in his chair. It did sound petty when Zak put it like that. "I suppose I could."

"I could certainly do with a night off myself," said Zak coaxingly. "Come on, it'll be fun. We can have a few drinks, play pool…and I think Emma might be able to meet up with us."

Lee brightened a little. It had been far too long since he'd seen Emma. And it would be good to get away from Galactica for a while. No-one had said anything directly to him about the incident on CAP or his subsequent grounding, but everyone knew about it. He was acutely aware of speculative glances following him, and the whispered conversations that stopped whenever he entered a room. It made him feel embarrassed and humiliated, as if all his weaknesses had been exposed for everyone to see. They probably all thought he was a coward and a basket-case, and maybe they were right.

_Well, you'll just have to prove them wrong by beating this and getting back in that viper, won't you?_

"All right," he said to Zak. "Let's go."

Zak beamed. "Great! We'll have fun, I promise."

----

Lee did enjoy himself at first. Emma had managed to get away from the Caprican Star, and met them when their raptor landed on Cloud Nine. She was wearing an eye-catching green dress that drew a whistle of appreciation from Zak. Emma actually blushed, and Lee rolled his eyes inwardly. Zak always had to turn on the charm.

Zak had reserved a table for them at one of the bars, and Lee's mood dipped slightly when he realised it was the same bar where he'd first met Kara. But he decided to make a deliberate effort not to think about Kara this evening. In fact, he was doing his best recently not to think about her at all. She was still keeping her distance from him, and although he knew it was for the best, it still hurt.

So he firmly turned down Zak's suggestion that they play pool.

The three of them sat and talked instead. Lee wanted to hear all Emma's news in any case, and much to his surprise, so did Zak. Of course, Zak had spent a long time on the Caprican Star recovering from the wounds he'd received on Kobol, but Lee hadn't realised he'd got to know the crew and passengers quite so well.

"So, is that guy Wyatt still trying to hog all the hot water?" Zak asked Emma, grinning.

Emma chuckled. "No. I tried out your suggestion, and it worked perfectly."

"Told you," said Zak, looking smug.

"What suggestion?" Lee asked, puzzled.

"Well, Emma had warned him about using so much hot water, but he just ignored her. So I suggested she should page him urgently every time he got in the shower, and he'd soon get the message." Zak started to laugh. "I just wish I'd seen his face."

"Next time I'll take photos," said Emma. "By the way, did I tell you I worked out who was stealing the coffee from the galley?"

Zak leaned forward. "Really? Who was it?"

It was some passenger Lee had never heard of, but Zak seemed to know all about them. He finished his drink, feeling slightly left out. He knew he'd been away from the Caprican Star a long time, but…it was almost as if Zak had been the one who'd been part of the crew, not him.

When they finally got off the topic of the Caprican Star, it wasn't any better. Emma asked Zak about his work, and Zak started reeling off tales of goings-on in CIC which made Emma choke on her drink in amusement. They chatted away, while Lee sat silent for the most part, musing bitterly that anyone would think it was Zak who was Emma's old friend. She seemed far more interested in talking to Zak than him…but then that was hardly a first. Everyone always preferred talking to Zak. He was the sociable one, who could chat easily with anybody, always the life and soul of the party…

_Gods, just listen to yourself,_ he thought disgustedly. _Stop being so pathetic. _

He excused himself and went to the mens' room, hoping the break would allow him to shake himself out of this mood. He couldn't let his jealousy over Kara cloud the rest of his relationship with his brother. He wouldn't allow it.

He splashed some water on his face, took a deep breath, and went back to the table determined to be more sociable.

Emma and Zak were deep in conversation still. Lee halted by the next table to let a waiter pass, and overheard a few words that stopped him in his tracks.

"Something that would cause a fear of flying?" Emma was saying. "I can't think of anything. He's always been a bit nervous in shuttles – I think that's why he learnt to pilot them actually-"

"So he'd be in control?" Zak chuckled. "Sounds about right."

"But I don't know why shuttles make him nervous. He's never said."

"Well, if we give him a few more drinks we might be able to get it out of him."

"A two-pronged attack?" Emma sounded amused.

"Whatever works."

Lee took a few steps backwards, shaking with fury. How dare Zak pump Emma for information about his private business? And she seemed to have no qualms about giving it to him. He felt betrayed by both of them. Had this whole evening been an excuse to interrogate him? Was that why his father had proposed it?

He knew he should go and sit down, pretend nothing had happened, but he couldn't. The way they were casually discussing him had made him feel exposed and vulnerable all over again. And if they thought he was going to sit there tamely while they pried into things that were none of their business, they could go frak themselves.

Gods, he needed a drink. He stalked over to the bar and ordered a shot of ambrosia. He downed it in one and ordered another.

"Three's a crowd, huh?"

Lee started and realised the woman sitting on the neighbouring bar stool was smiling at him.

"I'm sorry?"

She nodded over at Zak and Emma. "I thought you were looking a little out of it. No fun playing gooseberry, is it?"

Lee shrugged. "You could say that."

"If you want a change of company, I'd be happy to oblige." She smiled again, a practiced smile that made Lee look at her assessingly. He'd been in enough spaceport bars over the years to spot a hooker, and the smile and a slight hint of cynicism in her eyes made him suspect that was exactly what she was.

But…he really didn't want to go back and face Zak and Emma, and she was pretty, and seemed pleasant enough. So he nodded, pulled up the stool next to hers, and ordered them both another drink.

"Thanks," she said. "I'm Shevon. What's your name?"

"Lee." The barman put another glass of ambrosia in front of him, and he knocked it back. Suddenly he had the urge to get drunk.

----

Shevon was good company. She'd realised he was military, but also picked up quickly that he didn't want to talk about his job and so kept the conversation firmly on other topics. They talked about places in the Colonies they had both visited, favourite meals, the best way to make a Picon Shooter…anything but the present.

Lee found himself relaxing. It was a relief to talk to someone removed from his daily life, someone who knew nothing about him. Someone with whom he could just be Lee, not Apollo, or Lieutenant Adama, or the Admiral's son or Starbuck's wingman. He hadn't realised how desperately he wanted to escape from it all for a while.

Zak tracked him down eventually and tried to get him to come back to their table, but Lee brushed him off.

"I'm fine here. You and Emma seem to have plenty to talk about anyway."

He couldn't quite keep the edge out of his tone, and Zak looked at him sharply. "Lee, come on. I thought we were going to spend the evening together."

_And let the two of you interrogate me about my problems? No thanks._ Lee had no intention of going back to the table.

"I thought this evening was about me having a good time?" he snapped. "Well, I'm having a good time here, Zak."

Zak argued a bit longer, but Lee stood his ground, and his brother finally retreated.

"You prefer my company to your brother's? I'm flattered," said Shevon, smiling at him.

Lee smiled back at her, feeling suddenly reckless. All that ambrosia must be finally kicking in. "Well, you have certain attractions that he lacks."

"Really?" She looked amused. "And what would those be?"

"I would tell you, but this isn't the place." He moved closer to her, putting his hand over hers where it lay on the bar. "What do you say to continuing this conversation somewhere more private?"

Her smile stayed in place, but her eyes narrowed slightly. "It'll cost you."

So he'd been right. It didn't put Lee off; in fact, it was just what he needed. No strings, no complications, just an opportunity to forget all his troubles for a while and enjoy himself.

"I know. I can pay."

Shevon looked at him a moment longer, and then nodded. "I've got a room nearby."

Lee smiled. He stopped a passing waitress and asked her to pass a message to Zak, and then followed Shevon out of the bar without looking back.


	35. Chapter 35

**Chapter Thirty-Five**

Dr Seton wasn't quite what Lee had expected. Not that he'd ever met a psychiatrist before, but he'd pictured someone who was all bright smiles and touchy-feely. Instead he was faced with a sharp-eyed middle-aged woman who greeted him briskly and told him to take a seat.

He certainly hadn't expected her to take one look at him and start chuckling.

"Relax, Lieutenant. Anyone would think you were facing a firing squad."

Lee looked up to see that her dark eyes were warm with amusement.

"Maybe I'd rather be," he muttered, relaxing slightly despite himself. At least she had a sense of humour.

Dr Seton settled back in her chair, raising her eyebrows. "Really? I was under the impression that you'd voluntarily agreed to see me."

Lee's mouth twisted. "If by 'voluntarily' you mean 'because my father backed me into a corner', then yes."

The doctor laughed outright this time. "I imagine the admiral is very good at backing people into corners."

"Yes. But I usually manage to wriggle out of them and get away. Years of practice." Lee grinned.

"So why didn't you this time?"

The doctor's eyes fixed on his face, suddenly piercing, and Lee blinked. "What?"

"Why did you let him talk you into seeing me?"

Lee took a deep breath and decided to be honest. "Because I need to start flying again. We need every pilot we have."

"And you feel while you're grounded you're letting your crewmates down?"

Lee nodded.

Dr Seton tapped her fingers against the edge of her desk, looking at him thoughtfully. "In that case, why did your father _need_ to persuade you to see me?"

Lee stared at her, knocked off balance yet again. This conversation wasn't going at all as he had expected. "I don't understand."

"If you're so determined to get back on duty, I'd have thought you'd welcome anything that would help you to do that. Even seeing me." She smiled ruefully. "So why didn't you?"

"Because I don't need help," Lee retorted without thinking. Dr Seton raised her eyebrows again, and he flushed, suddenly realising how rude that had sounded. "I mean – I've been dealing with this for years on my own without any problems."

"Without any problems," repeated the doctor reflectively. "So how is it that you ended up having a panic attack in your viper that was so severe you didn't even notice you were being attacked by a Cylon raider?"

Lee glared at her, effectively silenced.

Dr Seton smiled calmly. "I'm just curious."

"It's never been that bad before," he muttered, staring at his feet.

"If it's getting worse, then maybe you do need some help." Lee didn't answer. "Look, Lieutenant, let's try it this way. I'll tell you what I can do to help you, and then you can decide if you want that help. Okay?"

Lee took a deep breath and looked up at her. She was watching him calmly, without a hint of pity, and he relaxed slightly. "Okay."

"First, I'd help you to learn more about your symptoms," said the doctor quietly. "Do you understand what causes a panic attack?"

Lee shook his head.

"When you're faced with what you see as a threatening situation, your body's natural reaction is to produce adrenalin for a 'fight or flight' reaction. Adrenalin causes your breathing and heart-rate to speed up, and your muscles to tense – all the symptoms you've been experiencing. In a panic attack these normal responses are exaggerated, and if you don't understand what's happening the symptoms only get worse as you get more agitated."

Lee nodded. He vaguely remembered Cottle saying something similar to him in life station, but he'd been in too much turmoil to listen at that point. "So what's the treatment?"

"The first aspect is to teach you to recognise the physical and mental signs of an attack and use relaxation strategies to deal with them. It should help you to feel more in control of the situation and decrease the severity of the attacks. The second aspect of the treatment is gradual exposure to the situation that triggers the attacks. Facing it with support until you learn to control your body's reaction." Dr Seton looked at Lee enquiringly. "How does that sound?"

"It makes sense," he said cautiously. He'd been half expecting her to drown him in psychobabble, or tell him this was all due to childhood issues, or say that he just needed to buck up and get over it, but this…this sounded sensible. Logical, even. He liked the part about regaining control. In some ways that was the worst part of all this, that he'd lost control on that last CAP and acted so irrationally.

"So shall we try it?" There was no pressure at all in the doctor's voice.

Lee took a deep breath. "All right."

"Good." She smiled at him warmly. "There's nothing wrong in accepting help, Lieutenant Adama. Everyone needs it at some point in their lives."

Lee shifted uncomfortably in his seat, unsure how to reply. "Shall we get started?"

The doctor chuckled again. "Patience, Lieutenant. It's not like I can just wave a magic wand and fix this, you know. But there are a few questions I would like to ask you."

Lee found himself tensing, much to his annoyance. "Like what?"

"Well, for a start, I need to know what exactly it is that triggers your panic attacks. Dr Cottle's notes were rather vague on that point."

Lee found himself staring at the floor again. "It's flying."

"Yes, but what exactly is it about the experience of flying that makes you nervous?" Her voice was surprisingly gentle. "Is it the speed? The danger of Cylon attack? The isolation? I can't help you unless you tell me."

Lee knew she was right. "None of those."

"What is it, then?"

He forced himself to push the words out. "I'm afraid of losing oxygen. Of suffocating."

There. He'd said it. He'd never admitted it to anyone before.

"Does that feel better?"

He looked up at the doctor in surprise. "Yes." It did. Getting it out in words made him feel as if a weight had been lifted slightly off his chest. "I didn't think it would."

"Speaking your fear aloud often makes it seem more manageable." She smiled at him. "So have you always had this fear of suffocating? Do you know what triggered it?"

Lee nodded. His throat felt suddenly tight. "It was nearly ten years ago. I…was out in a spacesuit, and I ran out of oxygen. I nearly died."

Gods, he really didn't want to talk about this. For a moment he was tempted to get up and walk out. Every muscle in his body tensed, ready to run.

But Dr Seton just nodded. "So after that you were afraid it would happen again."

"Yes."

"That's a very normal reaction to have." Lee blinked at her, and she smiled. "Many people might have decided never to go into space again."

So she wasn't going to push him for details. Lee relaxed again. "Well, being on a large spaceship doesn't bother me."

"But small ones do?"

He nodded. "On a small ship it's harder to ignore the fact that there's only a layer of metal protecting you from the vacuum. I used to hate shuttle trips."

Dr Seton looked intrigued. She glanced down at some papers on her desk. "But aren't you a licensed shuttle pilot?"

"That's why I became one." He smiled ruefully. "Pilots get to wear flightsuits. Extra layer of protection. And I decided that if I was going to risk my life in a shuttle, I'd rather be the one calling the shots."

"So you could control the situation."

"I suppose so, yes." He'd never really thought of it that way before.

The doctor smiled. "See, you've been using coping strategies already." She moved aside a piece of paper. "And then you volunteered to become a viper pilot. An even smaller ship."

"Well, they needed volunteers, and I had the skills."

"It still must have been difficult." She was watching him closely.

"Yes, but…but I wanted to do it. I've dreamed of flying a viper ever since I was a kid. And finally getting to do that…" Lee found himself grinning at the memory. "It was…everything I'd thought it would be. Exciting, exhilarating…magical, in a way." He saw the amused smile on her face and shrugged, slightly embarrassed by his enthusiasm. "I don't really know how to describe it. Let's just say it's worth a little…discomfort."

"So that's how you'd describe it? Discomfort?"

"Yes. I admit I was uncomfortable, got tense and nervous sometimes, but I always managed to deal with it, until…until what happened with the Blackbird." He found himself tensing up again.

"Oh, yes. Dr Cottle told me a little about that. What happened?"

"The Blackbird was destroyed and I had to eject. Wait for a raptor to pick me up."

"So you were dependent on other people to get you out of the situation. You weren't in control."

"I suppose. And then I found a leak in my suit…and it's all a bit hazy after that. I'm not sure what…by the time they found me I'd run out of air. They had to resuscitate me." Lee stopped, not really wanting to get into details.

"I see." The doctor looked at him blandly. "Sounds similar to the incident that started your problems in the first place."

"It was," he said tightly.

"Do you think that's why the severity of your attacks suddenly escalated?"

Lee nodded. He hesitated, and then forced himself to ask the question he feared the most. "Do you think I'll ever be able to fly a viper again?"

Dr Seton didn't reply for a moment. She scanned his face, and smiled slightly. "You really want to, don't you? Not just because it's your duty. You love flying."

"Yes."

Her smile widened. "Good, because that's a better motivation for you to beat this than all the obligation and duty in the world."

"But do you think I can do it?" He tried not to sound too desperate.

"You've certainly got the determination. Everything you've said to me today shows that." She looked at him gravely. "I can't make any promises, Lieutenant. But I'll do my best to help you."

He sighed and sat back in his chair, feeling hopeful for the first time since he'd been grounded. "Thank you, doctor. And my name's Lee."

----

"You want me to investigate Fisk's death?" Zak looked at his father in surprise. "Wouldn't it be better to have someone from the Pegasus do it?"

Bill shook his head. "Even though Cain is gone, her influence lingers. I need someone I can trust."

Something warmed inside Zak at the words. Was that his father's way of saying that the mutiny incident was firmly in the past, that all was well between them again? It felt like it.

He smiled at Bill, and when his father smiled back he knew he was right. "I'll get over to Pegasus, see what I can find out." Zak paused. "Would you mind if I involved Lee?"

"Lee?" Bill sounded surprised.

"Two pairs of eyes are better than one, and he's got a lot of contacts in the civilian fleet, if the trail leads there. Besides…I think it would help him at the moment. Stop him brooding over being grounded."

Bill sighed, worry spreading across his face. "You're probably right. At least he's going to see that shrink. I just hope she can help him. Has he said anything to you about how their sessions are going?"

Zak shook his head. "But the fact he's still going to them is a good sign, I think."

He left his father's quarters and went to look for Lee, but his brother proved hard to find. His search eventually led him to Kara's office, although he wasn't expecting Lee to be there. His brother and Kara didn't seem to be spending much time together these days, which pleased and worried Zak in equal measure. Given what he knew about Lee's feelings for Kara, he thought any distance between them was a good thing, but at the same time he didn't like to speculate on what might have caused them to suddenly avoid each other like this. He was afraid he was better off not knowing.

Kara was busy, and grumpy at being interrupted, but she did have the information he was after.

"Lee? He's on Cloud Nine seeing that shrink." She frowned. "He seems to be spending every spare minute he has over there at the moment. I'm sure he can't need that much therapy."

Zak looked at her speculatively, wondering why she sounded quite so irritated. He considered his next words carefully. "I think Lee's discovered other attractions on Cloud Nine."

Kara's eyes sharpened immediately. "What do you mean?"

Zak had been debating whether or not to tell her this, but something in her voice made him certain he should. "I mean Lee's seeing a woman on Cloud Nine."

Kara stared at him for a moment, her face suddenly blank. "Really? I didn't know that." She started straightening the papers on her desk.

"Yes. He met her that evening we went drinking there with Emma, and since then he's been seeing her regularly. Must be getting serious."

"Must be." Kara's hands were still busily stacking her papers.

"Well, I say good for him," said Zak, watching her intently. "It's about time Lee found some happiness, don't you think?"

"Yes." Kara raised her head abruptly. "Zak, I don't mean to be rude, but I've really got to finish these reports. Could we talk later?"

"Sure," he said evenly. "I'll see you at dinner?"

She nodded. Zak left, closing the hatch behind him, and tried to ignore the suspicion gnawing at the corners of his mind and the sick feeling in his stomach.

----

Lee finished dressing hurriedly. "I'm sorry, I have to go. If I hold up the raptor I'll be in trouble."

"Well, I wouldn't want that." Shevon smiled, pulling on a blue robe. "I'm going to have to ask for an extra hundred, though. Since you spent the night."

"Oh. Yes, of course." Lee searched for his wallet. He should have got used to this by now, but it still felt awkward. The harsh reminder that this was nothing more than a transaction between them. Part of him was still embarrassed by it, felt as if he should be ashamed of himself for settling for this false intimacy.

But then he had no real desire for anything more. The only woman he wanted was out of his reach, and all he'd be doing at the moment with anyone else was using them to forget her. At least with Shevon he didn't have to feel guilty about the fact that every time they were together he was imagining she was someone else. He was paying her; he could imagine whatever he liked. And the escape she provided, the physical release, enabled him to carry on with his life on Galactica; to watch Kara with Zak every day without blinking.

"Thanks," said Shevon, as he passed over the money. "And for the antibiotics. I can't tell you how grateful I am for those."

Lee shrugged it off. "Least I could do. I just hope they do the trick." He glanced towards the other room, where Shevon's daughter slept.

"I think they will. I checked in on Paya while you were sleeping, and the fever seemed to have gone down already." The relief was clear in Shevon's voice.

"I have to go." Lee tied the laces on his boots and stood up. "I'll be back when I can."

"I know." Shevon stepped forward and kissed his cheek. "Goodbye, Lee."

----

Kara finished a meeting with the admiral, and decided to pop into her bunkroom to change before going to her office. Her blues felt stuffy and constricting, and if she was going to be stuck in her office for the rest of the day, she wanted to be comfortable.

She'd expected the bunkroom to be empty, but Lee was down at the far end, changing from civilian clothes into his uniform.

Kara tensed at the sight. That meant he'd just come back from Cloud Nine.

Zak's words were still echoing in her head, much to her annoyance. Why should she care if Lee was seeing someone? She should be pleased. It only made it easier to keep her distance from him, two barriers instead of one. It even meant that maybe there was no need for the distance, that their shared kiss hadn't meant much to him after all…

"Do you want something, Starbuck? Or are you just trying to glare a hole into my skull?"

She jumped, suddenly realising she had been standing still staring at Lee for the last few minutes. _Gods, what is wrong with you, Kara? Acting like a lovesick idiot…_

Lee was looking at her with slight amusement. It made her feel vulnerable, and she attacked instinctively.

"Actually, I was amazed by the fact of your presence. It's so rare these days." Damn, that was still too revealing. "Being grounded isn't an excuse to slack off and disappear to Cloud Nine, Apollo."

That struck home, she saw with relief. His face darkened with annoyance. "I'm not slacking off. You know I was ordered to see the psychiatrist."

"Rumour has it that seeing the shrink isn't all you're doing there." The words tumbled out before she could stop them. "Or is regular frakking part of your therapy?"

_Oh, frak. Frak. Why did I say that?_

She could see that Lee was struggling to keep his temper. "That's none of your business," he said finally, control straining with every word. He bundled up his clothes and turned to put them away in his locker.

"No, it's not," she said sarcastically. "Because I'm just the CAG and you're just a pilot."

Lee slammed his locker door shut, so hard that the whole row of lockers shook. He swung round to face her, eyes blazing.

"What the hell do you want from me, Kara?"

_Everything. I want everything…_but she couldn't say that. Didn't have the right to say that. So she forced out the words she knew she had to say.

"Nothing, Lee. Not a thing."

"That's what I thought," said Lee coldly. His eyes were harder than she had ever seen them. "So stay the frak out of my life, Kara. You've been doing a pretty good job of it so far."

He stalked out before she could reply. Kara sank down on her rack, her legs trembling.

What had possessed her to say all that? She buried her face in her hands, cringing with embarrassment. He was completely right, it was none of her business…but it felt like it was. Some secret part of her felt like Lee belonged to her, even though he didn't. And the thought of him sleeping with someone else, maybe even loving someone else, hurt unbearably. She knew it was unfair and illogical to feel so jealous when she had been the one to push him away, but she didn't care.

It was just…she missed him so _much_. She hadn't thought it would be this hard, ending their friendship. After all, she'd only known him for a few months; she'd thought she'd soon adjust back to life without him.

But it hadn't worked out like that. Her mind kept betraying her; every time something amusing happened she'd imagine his reaction to it, every time she had a problem her first instinct was to ask his advice. Running was a chore without him to compete against; even triad wasn't the same without those blue eyes challenging her across the table. She hadn't realised how thoroughly he'd worked his way into her life; and now everything seemed grey and flat without him.

Being with Zak wasn't the same. His laid-back attitude was one of the things that had first attracted her to him. She'd been tired of men trying to compete with her, and she'd liked that Zak didn't try, that he just sat back and left her to it, watching with an appreciative smile. But now…now she wished he would at least try to keep pace with her, give her a challenge to push off, to spur her on…like Lee did.

She shook the thought away, annoyed with herself. There was no point in this wishful thinking. She'd chosen Zak, refused to let him down, and that meant she had to stay away from Lee. However hard it was.

Gods, she needed a drink.

----

"How's the investigation going?" asked Bill. "What have you turned up?"

"Fisk was definitely involved in the black market," said Zak.

"Well, practically everyone in the fleet is to some extent," said Lee. He shifted uncomfortably, thinking of the antibiotics he'd got for Shevon. But that had been different. Her daughter had been ill, and he hadn't been able to see a child suffer and not try to help.

"Well, Fisk was in deeper than most," said Zak. "His personal log shows that he was rerouting supply runs, o­n- and off-loading freighters without command authorization. He raided the McConnell and at least a dozen other ships in the last week."

"So, you think his activities in the black market led to his murder," said Bill thoughtfully.

Zak nodded. "Maybe he got greedy and tried to double-cross one of his suppliers."

"It's a plausible theory. And it would explain the cubits Cottle found in Fisk's mouth." Bill frowned. "Still doesn't tell us who did it though." He looked at Lee. "Unless you've got any contacts who might know something?"

"I might have, but I don't know if they'll be willing to talk," said Lee bluntly. "Not now I've turned out to be the admiral's son. But I'll do my best."

Bill nodded. "Keep me informed."

It was a clear dismissal, and the brothers turned to leave.

"Lee, hold on a moment."

Lee turned, surprised at the use of his first name. "Yes, sir?"

His father was looking slightly awkward. "I was just wondering how your sessions with Dr Seton were going."

Lee stared at him for a moment, and then hurried to reply. "They're going well actually." As promised, she'd been teaching him calming techniques to deal with the symptoms of his attacks, and he felt he was making progress. "Thanks for asking."

Bill nodded. "Well…keep me informed."

Lee found himself smiling. His father couldn't help sounding formal and military even when he was trying not to. "I will."

He left Bill's quarters still smiling. It was good to know that his father was concerned about him.

Suddenly he heard himself paged over the intercom. He had a priority ship-to-ship call from Cloud Nine.

Lee hurried to find a phone. It must be Shevon, but why would she be contacting him so urgently? He hoped nothing had happened to Paya.

----

Zak was doing the rounds of the bars on Cloud Nine, asking if anyone had seen Fisk recently. He knew it was a long shot, but he didn't have any other ideas, and it was worth a try.

He'd just drawn a blank in the fourth bar when one of the ship's security guards stopped him in the corridor. "You're Captain Adama, aren't you?"

"Yes."

The guard smiled. "Thought so. I remember you from when you ran the security for the Quorum meeting."

Zak blinked at the memory. That seemed so long ago, like years instead of months. "Can I help you?"

"Actually, I think it might be the other way around," said the guard, his smile fading. "I just heard a report over my comms about a Lieutenant Adama being attacked on L deck. Isn't that your brother?"

"Yes," said Zak anxiously. "Is he okay?"

"Well enough to call for help," said the guard simply. "You want me to take you down there?"

"Thanks," said Zak absently, following the guard. His brain was whirling as he tried to work out what could have happened to Lee. He hadn't even realised his brother was on Cloud Nine. "I haven't been to L deck before."

The guard smiled wryly. "Not many visitors have. It's one of the…more disreputable parts of the ship."

----

Down on L deck, the guard passed Zak over to a security officer with an air of brisk authority.

"How's my brother?" Zak demanded, almost before the guard had finished introducing him.

The security officer looked Zak over appraisingly. "He'll be fine. Someone half strangled him and knocked him out, but he'll live. Unlike the guy we found in the room with him."

"What?" Zak stared at him. "What exactly happened?"

"That's what I'd like to know," said the other man curtly. "I'll tell you what I've put together so far. This room belongs to a Shevon Hallett, she's one of the local hookers. Less trouble than some of them, but she has a kid, which probably accounts for it. Your brother came to visit her – he's been a regular visitor for a while, according to the neighbours. His story is that two men broke in and attacked him. When he woke up the woman and the kid were gone, and there was a dead man in the room with him."

His tone made Zak stiffen. He looked at the man warily. "You sound like you don't believe him."

The security officer shrugged. "I didn't say that. But I don't think he's telling me the whole truth, either. I'm hoping you can get more out of him." He waved a hand towards the door of the cabin.

Zak went in. Two more security men were bending over a body sprawled not far from the door. Lee was leaning against the far wall, watching them with a frown. There was a set to his jaw and a look in his eyes that made Zak tense instinctively, as various unpleasant memories rushed into his head. He knew that expression all too well. It meant something had happened to push Lee into abandoning his usual caution; and when his brother did something reckless, he didn't do it by halves.

"Lee," he said urgently, as if he could pull Lee out of that mood just by saying his name. "Are you all right?"

"Zak?" Lee looked up, and Zak gasped as he saw an angry red line running around his brother's throat. The man outside hadn't been kidding about the strangling. "I'm fine."

"You sure?" Zak took a step forward, staring at the mark. "It looks like someone wanted to send you the same way as Fisk."

Lee shook his head, a bitter smile curving his lips. "No, this was just a warning. Otherwise they'd have finished the job."

"A warning about what?"

"To stop investigating Fisk's death. They even presented me with the killer," said Lee harshly, nodding towards the body on the floor. "Left complete with garrotte."

Zak turned to stare at the body. "You think he really is the killer?"

Lee laughed shortly. "Oh, yes. I'm sure that guy's prints will match with the ones we found in Fisk's quarters. They want this case closed, Zak."

"They? You mean the people who run the black market?"

Lee nodded. "One guy in particular. He had a little chat with me while his thug was strangling me. Told me to stop asking questions about Fisk, let it go. Or…" For the first time his voice faltered slightly. "Or he'd kill Shevon and her daughter. He took them, Zak."

Zak watched his brother cautiously. He felt as if Lee might explode at any minute. "Shevon's the woman you've been seeing here."

"Yes."

"The man outside said she was a hooker."

Lee turned to look at him, mouth set hard. "Yes."

"Lee-"

"Don't!" Lee snapped. "Don't look at me like that, Zak."

"But I don't understand. I'd never thought you'd-"

"Of course you don't understand," Lee's voice had a jagged edge to it that made Zak step backwards. "Not you with your cosy little relationship. Well, not all of us are as lucky as you are, Zak. We have to take what we can get, and don't you dare judge me for it."

Zak took a deep breath. This conversation was straying into dangerous territory; he could almost see Kara's name hanging in the air. He put up his hands appeasingly, hoping to calm Lee down. "Lee, I didn't mean-"

Lee cut him off. "I don't have time for this." He pushed away from the wall. "I have to find Shevon and Paya. I'm not going to leave them in the hands of that bastard Phelan."

"Phelan?"

"One of my contacts came through with some information about the black market," said Lee impatiently. "I saw him on my way down here. The big deals are brokered by an ex-mercenary called Phelan, and the description he gave me matches the man who threatened me. Apparently he operates off a freighter called Prometheus. That'll be where he's taken Shevon and Paya."

He started to stalk past Zak, but Zak stopped him with a firm grip on his arm. "Lee, wait a moment."

Lee glared at him. "Don't get in my way, Zak." He struggled to pull his arm free, but Zak held tight.

"Lee, think for a minute! You can't go charging in there on your own. You'll only end up getting yourself killed."

"I'm not abandoning them, Zak," Lee said furiously. "They only got into this mess because of me."

"You can't go in there alone."

"Well, what else do you suggest I do? Take a team of marines?" Lee pulled his arm free, eyes blazing. "They'd kill Shevon and Paya the moment we landed."

"I'm not – for frak's sake, Lee, will you just listen!" Zak yelled, his patience finally snapping.

Lee stepped back in surprise. The stubborn look in his eyes faded slightly, and Zak seized the opportunity. "If you're determined to go there, at least plan it properly, and take some back-up."

"Back-up? You?" Lee seemed to be finally listening, and Zak sighed in relief.

"Of course me," he said with fond exasperation. "You really think I'd let you do this alone?"

----

Lee walked through the dimly lit rooms of the Prometheus. A watcher might have thought him to be lost in his own thoughts, but in reality his every sense was on high alert, braced for signs of attack. He hadn't made any effort to hide his arrival, and a response would come sooner or later.

Whatever happened though, he was going to get Shevon and Paya out of here. And those other children locked in that room. Fury and disgust welled up within him at the thought, and he had to use all his determination to force the feelings back down. He didn't have time for that now. He had to keep cool, stay focused.

As it turned out, there wasn't an ambush at all. He simply walked into the bar at the far end of the ship and found the man he had come to see calmly sitting there waiting for him.

Phelan looked up as Lee entered. His mouth quirked into what could have passed for a smile. "Lieutenant Adama. I had a feeling I'd be seeing you again."

Lee swept a quick look around the bar, swiftly noting the number and position of Phelan's men and the weapons they held. Not good odds, if he had been on his own.

"Quite a welcoming party you've put on for me," he said drily, as one of Phelan's men efficiently relieved him of his own gun. "I'm impressed."

"Well, you are the admiral's son, after all," said Phelan, with a hint of amusement. "You know, my father was in the service too. Strict as hell. Probably the same as your old man. But when the Cylons attacked, all his duty and honour didn't add up to squat." He waved Lee towards a chair.

Lee ignored both the words and the gesture. He felt safer standing, and he hadn't come here to listen to this bastard moan about his father.

"Let's cut to the chase, Phelan. Where's Shevon? Is she dead?"

Phelan stared at him thoughtfully for a moment, then made a gesture to one of his men. The man drew back a curtain next to the bar and pulled Shevon out of the room behind it.

Her face was pale and her eyes frightened, but she didn't seem to be hurt, and Lee relaxed slightly.

He heard Phelan chuckle, and turned abruptly back to the man, who was watching him with an amusement that made Lee's fists clench.

"I can see why you'd want her back," said Phelan, dark eyes watching Lee intently. "She's one of my best."

Lee tensed. "One of yours?" He looked back at Shevon, and the expression on her face told him it was true.

"I had to do it, Lee," she said flatly.

Lee stared at her, putting it all together in his mind. He'd been set up, and it surprised him that it hurt. He'd liked Shevon, enjoyed her company. Thought she liked him as well. Served him right for being so naïve.

"Don't blame her," said Phelan. "The o­nly reason you're alive is because I was able to see you through Shevon's eyes. And what I saw seemed reasonable. Unlike Fisk. Fisk was a pig. He tried to force us to renegotiate."

"So you killed him."

Phelan smiled slowly. "No, not me. I gave you the killer. The murder weapon, the prints. Everything you need to close the case legitimately."

"And what do you want in return?" Lee asked harshly.

Phelan leaned back in his chair. "Despite the President's objections, the fleet needs us. If rationing's too tight, a ship comes in late - then we're the pressure valve, we provide. Without us, people would have nowhere to turn. The fleet would tear itself apart."

Every word made Lee angrier. What was the man trying to do, make himself out to be some sort of philanthropist?

"What about those children outside?" he snapped, fury almost choking him. "How are they helping the fleet?"

Phelan shrugged. "Everyone has needs. Some settle for cigars or liquor. Others are more demanding. It's hard to find the moral high ground when we're all standing in the mud." His eyes fixed on Lee. "Even you, Lieutenant. When Shevon needed antibiotics, you got them for her, and didn't ask too many questions about where they came from. I don't think your old man would be too pleased to learn about that, or about who you wanted them for."

Lee met Phelan's eyes coolly. "So that's your game. Blackmail. I give you a helping hand when you need it, and you keep quiet. Is that it?" He almost wanted to laugh at the emptiness of the threat. There was nothing Phelan could do that would sink his father's opinion of him any lower than it already was.

"Blackmail's such a harsh word. I prefer to think of it as an exchange of favours."

Lee smiled tightly. "Really? How about we exchange these favours, then. You release Shevon and those kids, let us walk out of here, and shut down your operation. And all of you will live."

"You disappoint me, Lieutenant," said Phelan sadly. "I thought you were a sensible man. I make you a fair offer, and you respond with an empty threat."

"You think it's empty?" Lee shot a quick glance at Shevon, calculating the distance.

"Look around you, Lieutenant. You're outnumbered."

"Am I?" said Lee, and whistled.

Chaos erupted as Zak and a team of marines burst through the doorway. Lee lunged towards Shevon, pulling her away from the man who was holding her and pushing her down behind the bar. He knocked her captor to the floor before he had time to draw his gun, banging the man's head against the floor until he went limp.

Lee grabbed the man's gun and turned.

The fight was almost over already. Zak and his disguised marines had taken Phelan's men completely by surprise. They'd slipped quietly onto the Prometheus one by one all day, and in the distraction of Lee's arrival had gathered near the bar unnoticed. Some of Phelan's men were dead and the rest were being quickly disarmed.

"Lee? Are you alright?" Zak was walking towards him.

Lee nodded. "Thanks for the back-up, little brother." He was glad Zak had been there to talk some sense into him on Cloud Nine. Things could have turned very nasty if he'd come here on his own.

He walked back towards Phelan. The mercenary had fallen forward across the table, blood leaking from a hole in his head.

Lee looked up at Zak. "Did you-?"

Zak shrugged. "Maybe. I'm not sure, in all the chaos. Is this the leader?"

Lee nodded. "Well, his death makes this a lot easier." It would leave the black market leaderless and chaotic for a while.

"What a lot easier?" Zak frowned.

"This." The bar had quietened down now, as all Phelan's remaining men were disarmed and subdued. Lee turned to face them, calling for silence. He had a message to deliver.

"All right, it's done," he said, making sure his voice carried clearly. "Phelan's dead, and if you don't want to go the same way you're going to listen carefully." The men muttered angrily, but their eyes were now all fixed on him. "The fleet relies o­n the black market." Lee sighed. "Much as we'd like, we can't wish that away. So, you're still in business. For now. But if there are any more killings, if you hold back essential medicines, if you ever touch a child...then we'll be back, and you'll all end up dead or locked up on the Astral Queen. Is that clear?" He looked around at each man. "Is that clear?"

He finally got a chorus of agreement, even if it was grudging. He told the marines to let their prisoners up.

He realised Zak was staring at him. "What?"

Zak shook his head. "I can't believe you just did that. The President is going to be furious. You know she wants the black market wiped out."

"Then she's living in a dreamworld," Lee snapped. "Phelan was right about one thing, the fleet would fall apart without it. So we're just going to have to live with it, and monitor it to make sure it stays within limits."

Zak continued to stare at him, a strange expression on his face. "Sounds odd to hear you say that. Time was, you would have agreed with her, that the law needed to be upheld at any cost. You would have wanted any illegal activities stopped completely."

Lee looked back at him sadly. "Well, things are different now, Zak." He felt a pang of regret for that younger, idealistic self. Another casualty of the Cylons. "The world ended, and the rules changed with it." _We're not a civilisation any more, and everything has to adjust accordingly. _

"Lee." He turned to see Shevon standing awkwardly beside him, her face anxious. "Where's Paya?"

"I'll take you to her." He signalled to a marine, and led the way to the room where the children were kept.

"I'm not going to apologise," Shevon said abruptly. "I did what I had to do to survive."

Lee nodded. He supposed he didn't blame her, not really. She'd used him, but then he'd been using her right back.

In a way, he was grateful for the reminder, that even what seemed to be the simplest of relationships came with strings attached that could get you into trouble.

He'd take heed of the lesson. It was much better just to be alone.


	36. Chapter 36

**Chapter Thirty-Six**

Another morning, another briefing. Kara scrubbed at her forehead, as if that could erase the headache the coffee she had gulped down a few minutes ago hadn't managed to dispel. She shouldn't have started that second bottle of the Chief's home brew last night.

She took a deep breath, straightened her jacket, and walked into the briefing room, trying to settle her CAG mask firmly into place.

She couldn't prevent her eyes straying to Beano's empty seat. Poor bastard. He'd barely been out of flight training. And now Pegasus had sent her two more nuggets; wide-eyed, attentive faces staring at her from the back row. More easy pickings for Scar. Gods, what were their names again? They all seemed to blur into one, recently. She looked down at her scrawled roster. BB and Jojo, that was it.

She suddenly realised the briefing room was unusually quiet. She looked up from her papers, and saw that everyone was looking at her oddly. And they were all still standing. Why were they all still standing?

_Because you forgot to put them at ease, you fool. Just stood here staring at your papers instead._

"At ease," she said sharply, covering her embarrassment. Everyone sat down, some still looking at her curiously. She glimpsed Helo in the front row, watching her with concern, and Kat smirking next to him.

"Let's review the tactical situation," she said, trying to get her thoughts in order. "Four weeks ago, our mining ships struck pay dirt o­n this asteroid. A pile of strategic metals that we need to build new ships. Our job is to protect the miners. Unfortunately, this star system is full of rocks and dust. Dradis cannot tell the rocks from the bad guys, so our only reliable system of detection is-"

"Our eyeballs," finished Kat. Kara bit her lip, irritated at the interruption. Kat was getting entirely too big for her boots lately.

She ignored Kat and carried on. "Which means we have to put those eyeballs way out there. Split up and cover a huge perimeter. We'll be patrolling the area in divisions of four at these picket points."

Kat raised her hand.

"What is it, Katraine?" Gods, her head was throbbing. "Something you don't understand?"

"We're going in divisions of twos."

Kara glared at her. "What, you think you're planning the ops now?" she asked caustically.

She expected that to silence the younger woman, but Kat stared stubbornly back at her. She must being losing her touch.

"No. You are. You want us to go in twos now, spread out to cover a wider area. It's right there in your briefing notes," Kat finished in an innocent tone wholly at odds with the insolence in her eyes.

Kara looked down at her papers. Dammit, Kat was right. It _was_ in her briefing notes. She remembered making the change now. A wave of humiliation hit her. Gods, she must look like a complete idiot.

The sound of a muffled snicker cut through her embarrassment, and Kara lifted her head defiantly, determined to brazen it out. She wasn't going to let these kids get to her.

"Okay, so we go in divisions of two," she said briskly, and finished the briefing as quickly as she could, forcing herself to concentrate.

She knew she hadn't managed to gloss over her error entirely; the uncertain looks several pilots gave her as they left told her that, but she didn't have the energy to care. Her head was still pounding.

"Kara?" She looked up to see Helo hovering in front of her. "You okay?"

"Yeah." She gave him her best fake smile. "Stupid slip-up, wasn't it? Happens to the best of us. I've got a bad headache, that's all."

Helo didn't smile back. "You seem to have a lot of those recently."

Kara's smile vanished. She knew what his next comment was going to be, and she didn't want to hear it. "I have to go, Lieutenant. I've got a meeting with the XO." She picked up her papers and brushed past him before he had a chance to answer.

She heard him sigh heavily as she left the room, and scowled. What the hell was he fussing about? Okay, so maybe she was a little hungover, and maybe it wasn't the first time. But she was still doing her job. It was none of his business.

----

"How much longer is this going to take?"

Dr Seton looked at Lee with surprise. "In a hurry, are we?"

Lee shrugged awkwardly. "It just seems to be taking a long time, that's all."

The doctor smiled at him. "Actually, you're making good progress."

_But not fast enough_, Lee thought with frustration. Not when Scar was out there, taking out pilots one by one. Every time someone failed to return from CAP he felt incredibly guilty. He should be out there, sharing the danger with them. He had to conquer his problems and get flight clearance as soon as possible.

"You said part of the treatment was to confront the situation that brought on my panic attacks. We haven't started that yet."

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm not sure you're ready for it." Dr Seton leaned back in her chair, watching him closely.

"I'm ready," said Lee firmly, trying to sound convincing.

"I'm not so sure."

"What makes you think that?"

"Because in all our sessions, you haven't yet told me about the original incident that started your panic attacks," Dr Seton said calmly.

_Oh. That._ Lee developed a sudden interest in the floor.

"Until you confront the origin of your problem, you're not going to have much success moving past it."

That made all too much sense, damn her. She was probably right; he _should_ talk about it. But he never had before, and he could feel every muscle in his body tensing at the thought.

"Lee, relax," he heard Dr Seton say gently. "I'm not going to push you into talking about it. I can wait till you're ready."

_But I can't wait,_ he thought. _I need to get back out there, I need to help. I can't let everyone else down just because I'm afraid._

"I'm ready now," he said, taking a long breath.

"Are you sure?"

He looked up to find her watching him with concern, and forced himself to nod. "I'm sure."

"Very well. Why don't I make some tea before you start?"

Lee nodded politely, although he resented the delay. He wanted to get this over with. But by the time she'd made the tea, he realised the period of respite had helped him. It had given him time to clear his head, to prepare himself, and he felt steadier. He had to admit Dr Seton knew what she was doing.

The doctor settled herself back in her chair and picked up her mug, blowing on the tea to cool it.

_Okay. Here we go._

"I was sixteen," he began, wincing internally at how strained his voice sounded. "I'd…um…left my home on Caprica, and I was working my passage to Tauron on a freighter. The Scylla." He paused and took a sip of his tea, welcoming the warmth of the hot liquid. He didn't like thinking back to that time. He'd been so confused and unhappy, feeling guilty about leaving Zak and struggling to work out what he was going to do next. He'd never felt so alone in his life.

"It wasn't a good ship," he said bluntly. "They traded in shady cargo and a lot of the crew had done time. But it was the only ship I could get to take me, and...well, I wasn't thinking very clearly back then. I just wanted to get off Caprica and didn't care about anything else."

He stopped again, taking another sip of tea. He half expected Dr Seton to say something, but she just watched him silently.

"The rest of the crew picked on me pretty badly," he said eventually. "I was an easy target – first time away from home, never been in space before. It wasn't really anything personal, though." He tried to explain. "New crew members are always given a hard time on freighters, especially the younger ones. Playing practical jokes on them is a tradition. Hiding their clothes while they're in the head, making them look for non-existent parts or obey imaginary rules, that kind of thing. But on this ship…they went a little too far. Some of their jokes were downright dangerous."

"Such as?"

Lee bit his lip, staring down at the floor again. "They had one joke that was a particular favourite. One of them would tell the new guy that there was a repair job to do on the outer hull – a loose plate or something. They'd get in their spacesuits, go out there, and when they were in the middle of the repair the older man would get an urgent message calling him back in to deal with some problem. So he'd tell the new guy to finish the job and go in. The new guy would do the repair, head back to the hatch, and - and discover it was locked." He stopped as his throat abruptly closed up.

"A nasty trick," said Dr Seton neutrally.

"Yes." Lee closed his eyes briefly, pushing back the memories that threatened to overwhelm him. He forced himself to go on. "They thought it was incredibly funny, watching the new guy panic as he struggled to open the hatch. Of course they ignored any calls for help over the comms, pretended later they must have malfunctioned. They'd usually leave the guy out there for a few hours, until his oxygen began to run down, and then someone would pass the hatch and 'find him' and pretend to be surprised."

"And that's what happened to you."

"Kind of. Things went a bit wrong with me." Lee realised his hands had clenched into fists. "While I was out there a real crisis came up, and they forgot about me. By the time they remembered, my oxygen was almost gone and I'd passed out. Would have drifted off into space if I hadn't tethered myself to the hull. When they got me in I'd stopped breathing and they had to get a medic to resuscitate me. He said afterwards it was a close thing." He trailed off, breathing heavily. He'd tried to distance himself while telling the story, but it was hard; every word brought back memories that were all too vivid.

"How long were you out there for?" Dr Seton asked quietly.

"Six hours." He remembered every agonising minute of it.

"And that was the first time you'd ever been in a spacesuit? Or gone outside a ship?"

"Yes."

"That must have been terrifying."

The simple words made Lee choke up. He nodded, unable to speak.

"Have you ever told anyone about this before?"

He shook his head. He'd just wanted to forget that it had ever happened; and in any case, there had been no-one to tell.

"I thought I was going to die," he said.

"I'm sure you did. After that, I'm amazed that you ever put on a flightsuit or went out in space again at all." Lee looked up in surprise and found the doctor was smiling at him. "You should be very proud of yourself that you did. Here." She pressed a tissue into his hand. Lee looked at it blankly for a moment, and then realised his eyes were wet and his cheeks damp. He hadn't noticed. He wiped his face, feeling embarrassed.

"That's better," said Dr Seton briskly. "And you should finish your tea before it gets cold."

Lee obeyed automatically, picking up the mug. As he swallowed the rest of the tea he realised to his surprise that he did feel better. The incident had been a dark shadow at the back of his mind for so long; bringing it out into the open seemed to have made it smaller.

"Thank you for telling me about it," said Dr Seton as he put his empty mug back on her desk. "It's going to make it much easier for me to help you." She smiled at him. "I won't push you for more details – I think you've had enough for today – but there's one question I want to ask."

Lee nodded.

"What was the worst part about your experience? What scared you the most?"

Lee grimaced inwardly. Only one question perhaps, but a tough one. He didn't want to answer it, but he knew she wouldn't ask unless she needed to know, so he thought hard.

"I think…it was that I was helpless," he said finally. "I couldn't do anything to save myself. I tried everything I could think of to get help, and then I realised that they were deliberately ignoring me, and there was nothing to do but wait for them to change their minds and come get me. And then my oxygen started to run out, and I couldn't stop it, just watch and wait and hope someone came to help me..." He trailed off, his throat constricting again.

"I see." Dr Seton smiled at him. "It sounds as if the fear of losing control of the situation bothers you as much as the fear of suffocation."

"I suppose so," said Lee slowly. He'd never realised that before.

"Well, both fears are perfectly rational. Flying in space is dangerous; there will always be a risk that something will go wrong and you'll lose oxygen. You can't control the risk entirely. But you _can_ learn to control your fears – to stop anticipating problems before they arise so you can deal with normal flights without panicking."

Lee nodded, thinking of that last flight and how he'd been certain he was losing oxygen even though his suit readouts had been normal.

The doctor picked up his empty mug. "Thank you, Lee. I'll let you go now."

Lee blinked at her. "That's it?" He was suddenly angry. Telling her his story had been a huge step for him, and he felt she hadn't acknowledged it.

"For today." Dr Seton stacked her papers, then looked up and smiled at him. "But for our next session, I'll be coming to Galactica. I think you're ready for the next stage of your treatment."

Lee stared at her with a mixture of relief and trepidation. "Thank you – I think."

"We'll see how you do putting on a flightsuit. And you might want to think about asking someone else to join us."

"Someone else?"

"Yes. Someone you trust. Family, or a close friend. I usually find the extra support helps my patients to relax, and it means you'll have someone you can practice with when I'm not around. I have so many patients now I can't give them all as much time as I like."

Lee frowned. "I'm not sure…" He didn't like the idea. He knew the next session was going to be tough, and he wasn't sure he wanted anyone to see him that vulnerable.

"It's a suggestion, Lee, not an order," said Dr Seton calmly. "You don't have to have anyone else there if you don't want to. But think about it."

----

Kara opened her eyes slowly. It felt like her eyelids had been glued together. Her head was throbbing, and her mouth was dry and sour.

Must have been a good night last night...she couldn't quite remember. Her mind was so fuzzy. She lifted her head and then quickly laid it back on her pillow as dark spots danced before her eyes and the world spun around her.

She stared upwards at the metal underside of the rack above, fighting to control her dizziness.

Huh. That was weird. Why was there a rack above her? Her bunk was in the top row.

_Must be in somebody else's. But whose?_

That question was answered as the rack's curtain was pulled back, with a screech of metal rings that made Kara close her eyes painfully. She opened them again to see Zak sitting next to her, looking at her with a mixture of concern and disapproval.

"Water?" He held out a plastic bottle, and Kara reached for it gratefully. Her tongue felt as though it had swollen to ten times its normal size.

She drained the bottle. Zak watched her silently, and guilt swelled inside her. That always seemed to happen when she saw him recently. It was one of the things she drank to escape from.

"What time is it?" she asked, handing back the empty bottle.

"0800."

_Frak_. She closed her eyes wearily. "I'm supposed to be on CAP in an hour." There was no way she could fly in this state.

"I know," said Zak shortly. "Helo came looking for you. He's going to find a replacement."

There was a look of contempt in his eyes. It made her feel ashamed, so she took refuge in attack.

"Lighten up, Zak. It's not like this is the first time I've missed a shift because I was hungover."

He stared at her coldly. "That was when you were a lieutenant, Kara. When we were at peace. You can't do this kind of thing now. You're the CAG. You have to set an example."

"Even the CAG's allowed to have a few drinks occasionally," she said stubbornly, even as the disappointment in his face sliced into her.

"A _few drinks_?" She'd rarely heard Zak sound so furious. "It was more than that, Kara. You were completely out of it. Tried to jump over a table and fell flat on your ass in front of everyone in the rec room. Then you threw up in the corner before Helo and I could get you to the head. I brought you back here because it was obvious you'd never be able to get up into your own rack. And you don't remember any of it, do you?" he finished scathingly.

She didn't, and at the moment she was glad of it. Less humiliating that way. She'd bet her last cubit that Kat had seen every minute. The girl would have a field day with this one. Kara laid her head back against the wall and wished for a moment that she could just go back to sleep and never wake up.

"You'd better hope this doesn't get back to Tigh or my father," Zak said harshly, and she was hit by a fresh wave of shame at the thought of letting the Old Man down. She'd been so determined to prove he hadn't made a mistake appointing her as CAG.

Where had that determination gone? Slipped away somewhere in the long grey months of constant attacks and endless CAPs and dead pilots...

"You should be okay this time. I covered for you, but I'm not doing it again." Zak sounded impatient. "You can't behave like this, Kara. I know these last few weeks have been tough, losing so many pilots to Scar, but-"

"Oh, you know, do you?" Anger flared, and she let it carry her away from the shame. "I don't think you do, Zak. You're not the one who has to send those kids out there, who has to clear out their lockers and speak at their memorial services."

"I've watched friends die too," he said tightly, glaring at her. "You don't have a monopoly on loss, Kara."

"But you don't go out there day after day, putting your ass on the line for a Cylon to shoot down." She knew she was being unfair, but she didn't care. "No, you stay snugly in CIC, just watching those little blips on the screen disappear-"

"That's it." Zak got to his feet abruptly. "I'm not listening to any more of this. You can find someone else to take out your mood on. I've had enough."

The last three words were like a blow to the gut. "You're going?"

Zak sighed impatiently. "What point is there in me staying? You're not going to tell me what's really bothering you, are you?" He looked down at her exasperatedly. "Are you?"

His eyes met hers challengingly, and Kara's dropped away first. She heard him laugh bitterly.

"I thought not. Gods forbid you should actually confide in me about something. That's not how you work, is it Kara?"

He fell silent for a moment. She looked up at him and the expression on his face made her flinch. It wasn't anger; she could deal with that. It was worse than that, a mixture of pity and frustration.

"Pull yourself together, Kara," he said eventually, not unkindly. "You know where I am if you decide you want to talk."

She sat absolutely still for a long time after he'd left, staring blindly at the wall.

He'd never been like this before. He'd been angry with her, yes, but never so...coldly resigned. As if he was on the verge of just walking away, of giving up on her entirely.

She'd known it would happen one day. It always did. Everyone she'd ever cared for had done it eventually, decided she was too much to cope with and given up. But even when she braced herself to expect it, it still hurt.

She closed her eyes, and wondered if the best way to cure her hangover might be to have another drink.

----

Kara was settling down for the evening in her office when Karl appeared, wanting her to come down to the rec room for a triad game.

"Come on, Kara, let's go kick these kids' asses. It'll be just like old times."

Kara thought about refusing, but she knew Karl was going through a hard time himself with Sharon still in the brig, and playing triad with him was always fun. So she picked up the bottle of Tyrol's home brew which she'd opened and let him tow her along.

Unfortunately, she'd already worked her way through a few glasses of the home brew by the time Karl had found her, so she wasn't at her most alert. Which meant that it wasn't until she sat down at the table and tossed her first counters into the pot that she realised Lee was one of the triad players.

She froze for a moment, and he must have seen it, because his mouth twisted with bitter amusement. "Evening, Starbuck."

"Apollo. Thought you were on shift?" She'd been sure he was. She wouldn't have come down here otherwise.

Lee shrugged, and tossed his own bet into the pot. "Duck asked me to swap. Any problem with that?" he asked, with a look that made Kara grind her teeth together.

"None at all," she gritted out.

Kara ignored him as much as possible, joking with Karl and teasing the nuggets, and only speaking to Lee when the game required it. She tried not to even look at him, to pretend he wasn't there.

It wasn't easy, not when he was almost constantly watching her. She could feel his eyes on her, pressurising her silently to look back at him until she wanted to scream. It was hard to resist that temptation, so hard, and she found herself biting her lip until she almost drew blood. But she wasn't going to look back, wasn't going to let him win that easily.

So she talked louder and laughed harder, as if she hadn't a care in the world, as if nothing was bothering her in the slightest. She caught Karl looking at her quizzically a few times, but he didn't comment.

After a few hours, the game began to wind down, as everyone drifted towards their racks. Finally only she and Karl were left…and Lee, still silently staring at her from across the table.

She won the hand, and Karl tossed down his cards as she pulled her winnings towards her. "That's me done for the night. I've got the early shift tomorrow." He stood, pushing back his chair and stretching. "You coming, Kara?"

She nodded, and was about to stand up when Lee's voice stopped her. "So you're going to leave me to finish up the last bottle alone? That's not like you, Starbuck."

And she looked at him.

He was smiling at her sharply as he pulled the half full bottle of home brew towards him with a slightly unsteady hand. His blue eyes met hers, bright and mocking.

"Kara, let's go," said Karl. "I think you've had enough for this evening."

She could hear the concern in his voice, but she couldn't respond to it. Couldn't look away from Lee, and the challenge clear in his face.

_Stay and talk to me, Kara. I dare you._

"Kara." Karl's hand touched her shoulder. "Are you coming?"

_Bring it on, Lee. We'll see who breaks first._

"No I'm not, Karl," she said, eyes still locked with Lee's. "I think I'll help Apollo finish the bottle. He'll just end up puking everywhere if he tries to drink it all himself."

She heard Karl sigh behind her, and didn't have to look to see the resigned expression on his face. "Have it your way, Kara. I'll see you tomorrow." He walked out, the hatch thudding shut behind him.

Lee poured himself a full glass and pushed the bottle towards her. "Don't worry, there won't be any puking. My head for drink is just as good as yours, Starbuck."

"Is that so?" She smiled sceptically, filling her own glass. "I haven't seen much sign of it."

He shrugged, eyes watching her intently. "That's because I don't test it out as often as you do."

Kara put her glass down with a sharp click, surprised. She hadn't expected him to start attacking so directly. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means I haven't seen you spend an evening sober in the last three weeks." Lee's voice was casual, but his eyes were razor sharp.

"So you've been spending every evening watching me?" She kept her voice equally cool. "Aw, Lee, that would be sweet if it wasn't so pathetic."

A slight flush appeared in his cheeks, but he didn't rise to the bait. "I'm just concerned about you."

"Concerned? What, as a _friend_?" Bitterness rang through her voice.

"Yes, as a friend." Their eyes met, fierce hazel clashing with cool blue, neither giving an inch.

"Well, there's no need. I'm a big girl, Lee. I can look after myself."

"Like when you fell over that table? Or when you took that briefing hungover?"

"Shut the frak up." Her eyes narrowed dangerously.

"Do you want to end up like Tigh? Because believe me, you're well on the way to it."

"Shut up!" Kara shot to her feet, sending her chair flying in a screech of metal.

Lee looked at her clenched fists and laughed. "Go on, Kara, punch me. It won't make what I've said any less true."

"Frak you." Suddenly all the emotion she had been bottling up for the past few weeks boiled over. "Okay, Lee, so you're right. I am drinking more than usual. But did you ever stop to think about why? Or are you too busy being self-righteous?"

Lee was watching her carefully. "Go on then, Kara. Tell me why."

"Do you know how many pilots we've lost to Scar in the last few weeks?" she yelled at him. "How many funerals I've had to speak at? That kid today – BB – he was one week out of training. One week!"

"I know, Kara."

"So maybe I need something to help me forget, a few drinks to drive the faces away. Is that so wrong?"

"It's more than a few drinks, Kara."

His face was full of concern now, and that infuriated her. He had no right to look at her like that, no right…

"Well, at least it's cheaper than frakking a hooker," she shot back desperately.

Direct hit. Lee's face went completely blank for a moment.

"Point taken," he said quietly, and stood up.

The look in his eyes stabbed her in the heart, and she plummeted from fury to guilt.

"Lee, I didn't mean-" She scrambled for words. "It's just…I won't have you judging me."

He stared at her, some of the rigidity fading from his face. "I'm not judging you. I'm just worried about you. You can't keep on like this, Kara."

"Why not?" She laughed unevenly. "What does it matter? It's only a matter of time before the Cylons get me too."

He moved towards her, sympathy flooding his face. "Kara, that's not true…"

"Don't kid yourself, Lee!" she snapped, fighting against the tightness in her chest. "It's going to happen, we both know it. There are barely any pilots left now from when I took over as CAG. We just all keep on going out there, over and over again, until finally some metal motherfrakker catches us on a bad day and blows us away."

"Kara-" He sounded as if he wanted to protest, but he couldn't. He knew she was right, she could see it in his face.

"We're never going to see the President's bright shiny future on Earth."

"Bright shiny futures are over-rated anyway." Lee tried to smile, but it didn't quite come out right. "I've always preferred to live in the present."

Kara stared at him, trembling. She felt as if she was going to explode, as if all the grief and fear and anger of the last few weeks would tear her apart if she didn't find an outlet for it. "Then why don't we?"

"Why don't we what?" He looked puzzled.

"Live in the present." She closed the few inches between them and grabbed his face, pulling his mouth to hers.

His lips were stunned and rigid at first, so she pushed harder, and after a moment he gasped and surrendered and opened his mouth, kissing her back. His hands came up to grasp her shoulders, pushing her back against the edge of the table.

Kara almost moaned with relief. She'd wanted this so desperately and for so long, ever since the firing range…she hadn't realised until now what a strain it had been, trying to stay away from him, trying not to look at him or touch him when every nerve in her body was screaming with the need to do exactly the opposite…it was such exquisite relief to stop fighting and finally give in. It felt just as she remembered, fierce and dazzling and overwhelming, and above all _right_.

Lee was pushing against her harder now, his mouth pressing desperately over hers, digging deeper as if he couldn't get close enough. She slid her hands up under his tanks, revelling in the feel of his bare skin…

And then he pulled back. Tore his mouth away, jerked out of her arms.

Kara blinked, too dazed for a moment to react. Couldn't register anything beyond the fact that she was suddenly cold and empty again.

"Kara." She looked up slowly to see him leaning against the wall, looking as shaken as she felt. His eyes were dark and bewildered. "Kara, we can't do this."

"Yes, we can," she said desperately. She wanted him back in her arms, wanted him to touch her again and never stop. "Maybe if we just did it once, got it out of our systems…"

"It wouldn't work."

He didn't sound very certain. She took a step towards him. "How do you know that?"

"Kara, don't."

She ignored him and took another step forward. His eyes closed for a moment, and when they opened she saw with a sinking heart that they were full of determination.

"Kara, I love Zak."

One sentence, and she knew she was beaten. She closed her eyes. "So do I."

"Then you know that we can't do this."

She opened her eyes again, made herself look at him. "Yes."

_Yes, I love him. But I love you more._ That was what she wanted to say. But she couldn't. It didn't matter. All that mattered was that she had loved Zak first, and more importantly, he had loved _her_ first. The first person in her life to do so. She couldn't repay that gift by leaving him, especially not for his brother.

However much it hurt.

And she wasn't the only one hurting. For once all Lee's defences were down, and she could see in every line of his face how deeply this was tearing him apart. How much it was costing him to step back from her.

"But we can't go on like this either," he said. "I've tried to stay away from you, but-"

"But you can't," she said. "Nor can I." As if she was trapped in a gravity well, with him at the centre. "We'll just have to try harder."

Lee's laugh broke off harshly. "You really think that'll work?"

"What else can we do? We're stuck here, Lee. There's nowhere else to go."

"I could ask for a transfer, maybe. Go to the Pegasus."

Kara smiled bitterly. "I can't see your father agreeing. He's not going to let you out of his sight while you're still grounded. And I can't go either. Not while I'm the CAG."

She could see he wanted to argue, but he knew she was right. Finally he nodded, something like despair settling over his face. "We'll just have to try harder, then. We have to. For Zak's sake."

She nodded. "This will fade, Lee. It'll get easier."

"Will it?" he said in a low voice. "Because it doesn't feel like it."

No, it didn't. But it _would_ fade. It had to. "We just need to give it time." She wished she believed it.

Lee didn't look like he believed it either. "I hope you're right." He pushed himself off the wall, straightening his clothes. "I'd better go."

"Yes." He should; she felt as if she might snap at any moment.

Lee nodded. He stared at her for a moment longer, as if he wanted to say something else, but he didn't. He set his shoulders and lifted his chin, obviously bracing himself to face the world outside. Then he crossed the room quickly and left, closing the hatch quietly behind him.

Kara sank down on the table and buried her face in her hands, shaking. She thought of Zak, and hated herself.

_I wish I'd never met you, Lee Adama._

But she didn't. Even after all this, she really didn't, and the knowledge only made her hate herself more.

----

Kara didn't get any sleep that night. Not the best preparation for flying CAP, but she couldn't pull out, because she was flying with Kat and the bitch would never let her live it down.

So she downed three cups of coffee and headed for the flight deck, and if she'd needed any more proof that the gods hated her she got it immediately, because the first person she saw was Lee, doing maintenance on the viper next to hers.

She carefully pretended she hadn't seen him, and was both relieved and hurt when he did the same. She doggedly completed her pre-flight checklist, refusing to let herself look in his direction. She was just about to climb into the cockpit when she heard his voice behind her.

"Starbuck?"

She turned. She cursed herself for it, but she turned. "Yes?"

He was standing behind her, far too close for her comfort. He looked at her uncertainly for a moment, and then smiled hesitantly. "Nothing. Just - be careful out there."

----

She'd had a hunch there'd be raiders in the sector she and Kat were flying, and she was right. Not just any raider, either. Scar.

The bastard caught her off-guard, swooped in from the sun and hit her while she was blinded.

Kara didn't care. She had him within reach, and she was going to take him down, if it was the last thing she did.

She ignored Kat's voice asking for her position. Scar was hers and she wasn't going to let Kat take him away.

He was right on her tail, probably thinking he'd got her cold, but he was wrong.

"Let's see how much you like playing chicken when you can't download, you bastard. One of us is going to have to break away first and it isn't going to be me." She gained some distance, then flipped her viper around and headed right for him.

She vaguely heard Kat yelling in her ear. "Starbuck, wake up! He's a machine, he's not gonna break. You're committing suicide, Starbuck!"

Was she? Maybe she was. But she'd take Scar down with her. And for a moment she thought maybe it was better this way. Maybe this was her escape from the trap she found herself in. All she was doing at the moment was hurting Lee and hurting Zak and hurting herself, tearing all of them apart. They'd both be better off without her.

"Starbuck!"

Scar wasn't pulling away. She held her course, teeth set.

"Starbuck, pull up!"

Why should she? She had nothing to stop her, nothing to lose...

Suddenly Lee's face flashed in front of her.

_Be careful out there._

She pulled up.

Nearly too late, but she did it. Soared upwards, Scar still on her tail.

"Gods damn it! Kat! I'm going to put him right in front of you. Do not miss him, you frakking stim junkie."

Kat didn't miss. She might be a pain in the ass, but Kara couldn't deny she was a damn good pilot. Kara led Scar up into the trap and Kat took him out right on cue.

Kat shouted in triumph. "That's the way it's done! Let's go home!"

_Go home. Yes._ She'd have to go home now. She'd let her opportunity to escape pass by, and she wasn't sure why. But...she remembered how she'd felt when Cally told her the Blackbird had been destroyed, when she found Zak after the explosion on Kobol, and knew she couldn't inflict that kind of pain on either of them.

She'd have to find another way out.


	37. Chapter 37

**Chapter Thirty-Seven**

Bill Adama wasn't often surprised, but one morning he received three surprises in quick succession.

The first was that his elder son appeared in his quarters wanting to talk to him. The second was that he called him 'Dad', and made it clear this was a personal conversation. Relations between Bill and Lee had thawed considerably since Lee had been grounded, but he still only tended to see his son when they happened to run into each other. Lee certainly didn't seek him out.

"Sit down, son," he said quickly, not wanting to seem unwelcoming. "It's good to see you."

"Thanks." Lee sat down, looking awkward. Well, at least that probably meant he hadn't come to argue about something. He never looked awkward when he was in a confrontational mood.

He didn't say anything more, and Bill sought for words to break the silence. "So, how are things?"

"Okay, I guess." Lee seemed equally tongue-tied.

Bill decided to take advantage of Lee's presence to ask the question that he really wanted to know the answer to. He just hoped it wouldn't drive Lee away. "Zak told me you're still seeing Dr Seton. How's that going?"

Lee frowned, and Bill tensed, preparing for his son to stalk out.

But Lee stayed where he was. "It's going well, actually."

"Good." Bill tried to sound encouraging.

"Actually…" Lee lifted his chin, obviously bracing himself to say something. "Actually, that's what I came to talk to you about."

Bill had a feeling he knew where this was going, so he tried to head it off. "Lee, you know I can't put you back on the flight roster until Dr Seton clears you-"

"I know," Lee interrupted impatiently. "This isn't about that." He shifted uncomfortably in his chair. "It's just…that is, I wondered…if you would come along to my next session." The last words came out in a rush.

Bill stared at his son, not quite sure he'd heard correctly. "Your next session with Dr Seton? You want me to be there?"

Lee nodded.

Bill didn't quite understand. "Aren't the sessions supposed to be private?"

"Yes, but…in the next one she's going to start the next stage of my therapy, gradually exposing me to the situation that triggers my panic attacks. She said – she said it would be helpful if I had someone else there for support." He looked up at Bill suddenly, blue eyes wide and uncertain. "Someone I trusted."

Bill was completely taken aback. It was the last thing he'd expected to hear. He pushed his glasses up his nose, trying to think how best to reply. He wasn't sure it sounded like a good idea. He and Lee were hardly close, never had been. Surely Zak would be a better choice if Lee needed support.

He opened his mouth to say as much, but the look in Lee's eyes stopped him. It was vulnerable, almost pleading, and suddenly he realised that was exactly why Lee was asking him. This was a peace offering on Lee's part, an opportunity to rebuild their relationship.

He remembered their conversation on the Caprican Star, how they'd both admitted they needed to learn to trust each other again.

"Don't worry about it, Dad." Bill started, and saw that he'd been silent too long. Lee's face had clouded with rejection. "It's a lot to ask, I know you're busy-"

"No it isn't," said Bill hurriedly. He couldn't let this opportunity slip away.

Lee stared at him uncertainly. "You mean you'll do it?"

"Yes," said Bill firmly. "I'd be honoured to."

Lee smiled, and Bill blinked. He couldn't remember the last time Lee had smiled at him like that, without a hint of reserve or mockery. His heart lifted a little at the sight of it. "Thanks, Dad. I appreciate it."

----

"Dr Seton." Bill stood up as the doctor entered his quarters. "I thought we were meeting in fifteen minutes?"

"We are," she said, smiling. "I just wanted to have a quick word with you before we begin the session."

"Of course." Bill offered her a seat.

"Lee tells me he's explained the basic principles to you," she said, sitting down.

Bill nodded. "You gradually expose him to the situation that causes his panic attacks so he can learn to control his fears and the symptoms."

"Exactly. It would be useful if I could use one of the airlocks for future sessions, so I can remove the air from a controlled environment. Would that be possible to arrange?"

"No problem at all." Bill looked at her curiously. "Was that the only reason you wanted to see me?"

"No." Dr Seton looked straight at him, face suddenly grave. "I wanted to make sure you understand the nature of Lee's condition. People who have never suffered from a phobia or panic attacks find it very easy to dismiss them, to expect the sufferers to just pull themselves together and get over it."

"I can assure you I don't think that," said Bill stiffly. "Dr Cottle briefed me fully on the condition."

"I'm sure he did," said Dr Seton, watching him closely. "But hearing about it and seeing it are two very different things. All I'm going to ask Lee to do today is put on his flightsuit and helmet. An action that no doubt seems simple to you, but you have to understand that it's going to be very difficult for him. Like jumping out of a plane without a parachute." Her voice sharpened. "Your part today is to reassure and encourage him. It's vitally important that you don't at any time make him feel that his fears are foolish or irrational. Do you understand?"

Bill bristled at her tone. "I do," he said tightly, glaring at her.

"Good," she said briskly. "You understand, I have to be sure. I don't want anything to set Lee back in his progress."

Bill's annoyance lifted slightly. At least she was looking out for Lee's interests.

"I'm glad to hear he is making progress."

Dr Seton smiled warmly. "Yes. He's a very determined young man. I don't have many patients who go out of their way to confront their phobia as he has done. Most people who went through what he did would never have gone into space again, let alone become a pilot."

Bill looked at her sharply. "So he's told you what initially caused his phobia?"

Dr Seton nodded. "But he hasn't told you?" She looked thoughtful.

"No." And that was his own fault, Bill thought grimly. Yes, Lee had been the one to cut himself off for ten years, but their problems had really started before that. He hadn't been around enough when Lee was growing up, and when he had gone home, he'd always ended up spending more time with Zak. Zak, who was so much easier to understand and deal with.

Well, he intended to start making up for that now.

----

Lee had spent the morning telling himself that he could do this easily. It was only putting on a flightsuit, for frak's sake. Nothing difficult. He wasn't going anywhere near space or a vacuum. He wouldn't be relying on the suit's oxygen supply.

But as soon as he started pulling on the suit, all those logical reassurances vanished. His body reacted instinctively, muscles tensing and heart rate increasing.

"Remember the exercises, Lee," said Dr Seton quietly.

He nodded, pulling his scattered wits together. He could do this. He began one of the relaxation exercises they'd practiced, forcing himself to breathe slowly and carefully. After a few minutes he could feel his heart slowing down.

"Well done," said Dr Seton, smiling at him.

Lee grinned back, and the surge of triumph helped him to finish pulling on the flightsuit without any more problems.

"Now the helmet," said Dr Seton, passing it to him.

It felt strangely heavy in Lee's hands. He looked down at it, and his breath seemed to stop in his throat. Suddenly he was back outside the Scylla, back drifting past the wreckage of the Blackbird, struggling to desperately to draw breath, to hoard every last scrap of air as it inexorably faded away…

"I can't do this," he said jerkily. Just the idea of putting it on filled him with horror. "I can't."

"Your breathing's getting uneven again," said Dr Seton, moving towards him. "Don't worry about the helmet yet, Lee. Just breathe."

She went through another exercise with him, forcing him to focus, and gradually he steadied.

"Now look at the helmet again."

At the sight of it, panic surged back, the memories flashing before his eyes. This time he managed to control his breathing, but that was all he could do. Every time he tried to lift the helmet to put it on, his arms refused to co-operate. He found himself swearing with frustration.

"I should be able to do this, damn it. Why can't I do this?"

"You can."

Lee jumped at the sound of his father's voice. Bill had been silent so far, and Lee had almost forgotten he was there.

"You can do it, Lee." Bill crossed the room to stand in front of him. His face was full of determination, and it only made Lee feel more discouraged by comparison.

"What makes you think that?"

Bill stared at him for a moment, and then smiled suddenly, taking Lee by surprise. "Do you remember the summer I taught you to ride a bike?"

Lee blinked. "Yes, I remember." His father had been between postings, and had spent several months at home for once.

Bill's smile widened. "Do you remember how many times you fell off?"

Lee found himself grinning ruefully. "I think I lost count."

"So did I." Bill chuckled. "But you didn't give up, and eventually you managed it. And so I know you can manage this."

"This isn't the same, Dad."

"Isn't it?" Bill held Lee's eyes firmly. "Let's try this. Look at me while you put the helmet on. Don't think about what you're doing, just keep your eyes on me."

"All right." Lee wasn't convinced, but he supposed it wouldn't hurt to try. So he looked into his father's steady eyes, and tried again to lift the helmet.

This time he managed to lift it over his head, but when he needed to drop it into place, he wavered.

"Look at me, Lee."

He looked back at his father's reassuring eyes, and suddenly time blurred, and he was nine years old again, perched on his bike waiting for his father to let go of the handlebars, determined to prove that he could ride on his own.

"Take your time," Bill said calmly. "You'll manage it eventually, don't worry."

Much to his surprise, those reassuring words were exactly what he needed. He met his father's eyes once more, and pulled the helmet down into place. Took one breath, then another, keeping his eyes fixed on Bill's the whole time. His heart was thumping erratically, but he did the relaxation exercise again and managed to stay calm.

"There you are," said his father, smiling proudly. "I knew you could do it."

Lee grinned back.

----

"So the treatment's progressing well, then?" said Emma, playing with the straw in her drink.

"Yes," said Lee proudly. "I managed ten minutes in the airlock today. The doctor can only see me twice a week, but Dad's been guiding me through the sessions when she's not around."

"Sounds like he's being very supportive." Emma had to raise her voice slightly to be heard over the noise of the bar. It was one of the most popular on Cloud Nine, and was always busy.

"He is." Lee smiled. "I'm glad I asked him to help. It's really improved things between us." It had taken all his courage to ask for his father's help, and he'd half expected it to be a disaster. Instead it had been the reverse. Bill had been nothing but helpful and encouraging, and every session made Lee feel more comfortable with him.

"I'm surprised you asked him," said Emma idly. "I would have thought you'd ask Zak."

Lee looked suddenly awkward. "Not at the moment. I don't feel entirely comfortable around him. You know, because of-"

"Because of Kara," Emma finished, smiling ruefully. "That still a problem, is it?"

Lee nodded. He picked up his drink, wishing he hadn't brought the subject up. He'd obviously had one too many glasses of ambrosia.

"What happened to 'it'll all fade in time'?"

"Taking more time than I thought." Lee shrugged, and knocked back the rest of his drink. He stared down at the empty glass. "She kissed me."

"Who? Kara?" Emma stopped fiddling with her straw.

Lee nodded.

"Well…that's good isn't it?" Emma said uncertainly, and Lee almost choked on a bitter laugh.

"Not really. She made it pretty clear it was a mistake, and she wanted to stick with Zak." Both times. "All it did was make me feel guilty every time I see him." Or saw Kara. It didn't make living on Galactica easy, which was why he'd jumped at the chance to meet Emma this evening. Unfortunately Kara had leave on Cloud Nine as well, but he'd made sure to tell her what bar he was going to so she could avoid it.

"Well, if it's any consolation, I know how you feel," said Emma.

"What?" Lee looked at her in surprise. She was staring gloomily into her empty glass. "What do you mean?"

Emma sent him a twisted smile. "You're not the only one who can fall for someone unobtainable, you know."

"You too?" Lee was taken aback. Emma always made a habit of keeping her relationships light and easy. He'd never seen her look like this over someone before. "Who is it?"

Emma opened her mouth, then blinked and shook her head. "Doesn't matter. There's no future in it. He's firmly attached."

"You can tell me," said Lee. "It's only fair after I've been bending your ear about Kara."

Emma shook her head briskly. "Thanks, but I'd rather not talk about it."

She looked strained, and Lee reached out to put a hand over hers. "Love's a bitch, isn't it?" he said sympathetically.

Emma nodded jerkily, and Lee pretended not to see the moisture in her eyes. "That's the truth."

"Time for another drink, I think," said Lee, and she agreed fervently.

The bar was busy, and Lee had to wait a while to be served. He passed the time by idly looking round the room. He spotted a few people he knew – Dee on a date with that aide of the President's, and...oh gods, Ellen Tigh. He looked away hurriedly, hoping she hadn't spotted him.

His eyes fell on a woman hovering by one of the pillars. Odd, she wasn't exactly dressed for an evening out, and she must be incredibly hot in that heavy jacket...Lee frowned. And why was she standing there all on her own? If she was waiting for someone, wouldn't she have bought a drink? Or found a table?

The barman finally served him, but Lee continued to watch the woman, getting more and more uneasy. She seemed nervous; her eyes were flickering around the room constantly and her hand was fiddling with the edge of her jacket. Then a man came up to her, a heavy-set guy Lee had noticed sitting at the bar earlier. They had a quick, intense conversation. The woman made an emphatic gesture and her jacket fell back enough for Lee to catch a glimpse of a gun.

_Frak_. Lee picked up the drinks, left the bar and hurried towards Emma. A quick glance told him that the man he'd been watching was signalling to another by the doors.

He grabbed Emma's arm as she took her drink from his hand, bubbling with dry ice. "Come to the bathroom."

"What?" She stared at him.

"There's trouble. Now."

She followed without further protest, still holding her drink. As the bathroom door swung shut behind them she turned round.

"What the hell is going on?"

The sound of gunshots on the other side of the door answered her.

----

Kara cursed as she hurried to meet up with the marines. Just her luck. The first time she'd got off Galactica for weeks, and some idiot had to hold up a bar. Well, she'd make them regret interrupting her R&R.

She turned a corner and found the marines at the agreed meeting point. She nodded at the sergeant in charge.

"Good to see you, Gunny. You trying to catch some R&R, too?"

The sergeant nodded. He passed her a combat vest. "What's the situation, Major?"

Kara pulled the vest on. "We've got an unknown number of shooters, at least twenty hostages, and probably a ninety minute window before they start throwing out bodies. Let's go."

The bar wasn't far away. They took up a position at a safe distance that still gave them a good view of the closed blast doors. Kara swore. It would take explosives to get through those blast doors, and they'd probably kill half the hostages doing it. The only way they were getting in was if the terrorists opened up.

Her eye drifted to the name of the bar, and she froze as something in her mind connected. She'd thought the name sounded familiar...hadn't that been where Lee had said he was meeting Emma?

"Major, I've got the admiral on the line." The marine sergeant passed her a combat phone unit.

"Starbuck. You in position?"

"Yeah. We're not getting in through those blast doors, though. And there's something else you should know." She swallowed hard. "I think Lee may be among the hostages. He was planning to go to that bar this evening."

There was a brief silence. Then Adama spoke again, his voice harsh. "Thanks for informing me, Major. I've got two strike teams inbound to you, ETA ten minutes."

Another voice broke into their conversation. "Admiral, it's Abinell."

"Put her through. And keep Starbuck on the line."

----

The brief conversation with Abinell confirmed Kara's fears. Lee _was_ one of the hostages. Although he seemed to have been busy despite that. Someone in the bar had messed with the oxygen sensors so that the terrorists thought the air system needed repairing, and Kara would have bet her last cubit that it was him. It was just the kind of sneaky plan he'd come up with. She grinned appreciatively. And it had given them the opening they needed, to get in there and see exactly what they were dealing with.

She hurriedly changed into the maintenance worker's uniform, pulling the cap down over her eyes. Adama had told to get a volunteer, but she wasn't going to leave this job to anyone else. Not when Lee's life was on the line. She didn't trust anyone else not to screw it up. Besides, she needed to see him, check he was okay.

It all went smoothly at first. They searched her, as she had expected, but didn't find the false lid in her toolbox. She took a thorough survey of the room as she waited. Four terrorists, all armed. The woman was obviously in charge. The hostages looked scared but no-one appeared to have been hurt, which was a good sign. She spotted Lee and Emma in the group but was careful not to send more than a brief glance in their direction.

One of the terrorists returned her toolbox. "Looks clean."

"Do your job," said Abinell to Kara. She gestured to one of her men to cover her.

Kara headed for the maintenance panel. She had to pass the hostages to get there, and as she did so she heard a soft gasp. She caught a glimpse of Ellen Tigh out of the corner of her eye, and swore. Stupid frakking woman...

A man's voice cut sharply towards her. "Wait a minute. Turn around. Let's check that box again."

_Frak._

There was no time to think, no time to do anything but act. Kara ripped open the false lid, grabbed the two guns concealed behind it, and whirled, firing.

The terrorists started firing back and she dropped to the floor, aware that the marines had burst through the doors of the bar and joined the fight. She saw the sergeant take down one of the terrorists.

Gunshots hit the table next to her, and she ducked from the flying glass. She needed to get back towards the door. She spotted another patch of cover behind a pillar and scrambled for it. She saw one of the terrorists aiming for her as she did so, and fired back as she ran.

She reached the shelter of the pillar and looked up to see if her bullets had hit their mark. And her eyes locked with Lee's, standing just behind the guy she'd been shooting at.

Then drifted down to the red hole in his shirt.

_Oh, gods. No. No._

Her mind screamed in disbelief. Her eyes went back to Lee's, pleading with him to hang on, but as she watched they clouded over and he fell backwards.

_Lee!_

She was frozen in place, couldn't do anything but stare at Lee as her mind reeled in horror. She forgot everything else until a rough hand grabbed her shoulder.

"Major, we gotta get out of here. Come on!"

Kara was too numb to respond. The marine dragged her out and she followed him automatically, her eyes still fixed on the spot where Lee had fallen.

_It was me. I shot him. I shot Lee._

----

Emma dropped to her knees beside Lee, her mind struggling to catch up with what had happened. It had all been so fast...

No time to think of that now. Not with Lee bleeding out in front of her. She jammed her hands down onto the wound in his chest, pushing as hard as she could.

Blood still leaked out between her fingers. She looked around desperately, spotted Billy Keikaya nearby.

"Billy. I need towels, shirts...anything I can use as a bandage."

Billy nodded. He moved towards the bar, but the woman terrorist turned her gun on him. "No-one said you could move."

Emma looked up at her fiercely. "This is the admiral's son. If he dies, you're not going to get your deal, you know that. So let me help him." She wasn't going to let Lee die like this, she wasn't. They could shoot her first.

The woman stared at her coldly. Their eyes held for a long moment, and then she nodded at Billy. "Okay. You can go."

Billy grabbed some towels from the bar, and his girlfriend brought them to Emma. She slid them under her hands, not daring to let up the pressure even for a second.

She was afraid the bullet had caught a lung. Lee's breathing was harsh and uneven, and he didn't seem to be able to speak. His eyes were open, but they were dazed and cloudy.

"Hang in there, Lee," she muttered fiercely. The towel soaked through and she reached for another. She had to stop the bleeding, she had to. "Stay with me."

----

Kara huddled in a corner of the hallway outside the bar, shuddering. She wasn't sure how much time had passed since she'd reported to the admiral, since she'd told him what she'd done. Every time she tried to focus, her thoughts slipped out of reach.

The sound of gunshots still echoed in her ears. All she could see was Lee falling to the floor over and over again, blood spraying from the wound in his chest. Blue eyes fixed accusingly on hers.

_I'm sorry, Lee, I'm sorry. I didn't mean...it was an accident._

Oh gods, if he died she'd never forgive herself.

"Starbuck."

The voice repeated her name, with an authority that penetrated the fog surrounding her. She looked up to meet Adama's stern eyes. "Sir?"

"We're going in."

"Let me help," she said desperately, but he shook his head firmly.

"I'll take it from here." He stood up and signalled to the marines he'd brought with him. They were carrying a stretcher with a body on it, and Kara closed her eyes abruptly. Was that Lee?

_Don't be stupid, he's still in there. Come on, you have to pull yourself together._

She shook her head, trying to clear it, and watched from her corner as Adama disappeared inside the bar.

After a few moments she heard gunshots. She jumped to her feet automatically, taking a step towards the bar entrance.

A marine appeared through the door. "Hostiles are all down. Hostiles are down."

Kara sighed with relief. She fell back against the wall, her legs wobbling beneath her. She stayed there, watching numbly as the hostages streamed out of the bar. Ellen Tigh, complaining. Dee, scolding Billy for thinking about grabbing a gun.

Emma, looking drained and exhausted, her hands and arms covered in blood.

Kara grabbed her shoulder. "Emma, is he-" She couldn't finish the sentence.

Emma nodded, her eyes full of sympathy. "He's still alive. The medics are bringing him now."

Kara almost crumpled with relief. She felt Emma's arm come round her shoulder, holding her up. "Is he going to be okay?"

Emma sighed. "I don't know."

----

Zak hurried towards life station. He'd been with the president on Colonial One when the hostage situation began. He hadn't been able to get clearance to return to Galactica until the crisis was over, and then his raptor had developed a malfunction that took several hours to repair.

When he finally arrived on Galactica, his father had met him with the welcome news that Lee was out of surgery, although his condition was still critical.

"I've just seen him. He hasn't come round from the anaesthetic yet, so I thought I'd grab the opportunity to check in on CIC, then I'll go back." Bill was looking immensely weary. "Are you heading there now?"

Zak nodded.

"Good. Kara's there, and…she's pretty broken up over all this. I told her she shouldn't blame herself; anything can happen in a chaotic situation like that, but I don't think she believed me." Bill sighed heavily. "You know what she's like."

"Yes."

"Maybe you'll have more luck talking to her."

"Maybe." Zak doubted it. His record with talking to Kara wasn't exactly stellar, particularly recently. He didn't relish the prospect.

The first person he saw when he entered life station was Ishay. She smiled at him and directed him to the critical care room, which was situated off the main ward.

Zak approached slowly, bracing himself both for seeing Lee's condition and for dealing with Kara.

He reached the doorway, and the sight that greeted him stopped him in his tracks.

Kara was sitting by Lee's bedside, clutching his brother's hand. She was facing the doorway, but she hadn't seen Zak; her eyes were fixed intently on Lee, as if he would disappear if she looked away, even for a second.

And she was crying. Not properly, but there were a couple of tears running slowly down her cheeks, and for Kara that was equivalent to a full-blown crying jag. Even after the attacks, she'd been resolutely dry eyed.

Then Zak heard what she was saying. She sounded different too, her voice shaky and uncertain.

"Lee, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to do it, I didn't, you have to believe me…I'm so sorry."

So she _was_ blaming herself. Typical Kara. He took a step forward, ready to offer some comfort, when he heard her next words.

"You have to stay with me, Lee. Listen to me. You have to stay. I can't manage without you. I need you." She paused, brushing a tear impatiently from her cheek. "I love you."

Her voice had dropped almost to a whisper, but Zak caught the words all too clearly. He stumbled backwards, almost reeling.

He'd known. Deep down he'd known, but hearing her say it out loud like that…

He retreated instinctively, vaguely aware of Ishay looking at him with concern as he stumbled past her. He found himself in the corridor outside life station, leaning his head against the wall and taking deep, shuddering breaths.

Kara loved Lee. No hiding from it any longer, no more burying his head in the sand. No more excuses.

He closed his eyes. His chest was suddenly tight, and he could feel tears pressing against the back of his eyelids.

Yes, he'd known. But that didn't make the truth any less painful.


	38. Chapter 38

**Chapter Thirty-Eight**

Emma opened her eyes, blinking in the harsh fluorescent light. It took a moment to recognise her surroundings, and then she remembered she was in Galactica's sick bay. After the ordeal on Cloud Nine and the long anxious wait for Lee to come out of surgery, she'd been exhausted, practically asleep on her feet. Eventually one of the nurses had firmly taken her arm, shown her to an empty bed and told her to lie down. She'd fallen asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow.

She sat up, pulling a face. She hated sleeping in her clothes, and her hair must be a mess. She ran her fingers through the tangle in a vain attempt to straighten it, wishing she had a comb.

She found a kindly nurse who both lent her a comb and showed her the way to the head. Splashing cold water on her face helped, and she emerged feeling more alert and ready to check on Lee.

She peered into his room nervously, and blinked in surprise to see that he wasn't alone. Kara was sound asleep in the chair next to his bed, head tilted back at an angle that was going to mean her neck was incredibly stiff when she woke. Had she been here all night? Emma took a step closer and saw that Kara's hand was loosely covering Lee's even as she slept, shifting with her breathing but never losing contact altogether. She looked at the sleeping woman curiously. Maybe Lee's feelings for Kara weren't as one-sided as he thought. She suddenly felt acutely sorry for Zak.

She turned to look at Lee, and what she saw was encouraging. He wasn't awake, but his face had more colour than it had the night before and his breathing sounded more regular.

"All his vital signs are improving," said a voice behind her. Emma jumped and turned to see a tired-looking Cottle. "He should wake up shortly."

"I hope so," said Emma. She had a momentary flashback to the bar in Cloud Nine, of Lee's blood spilling over her hands as she desperately tried to staunch it. There had been several moments when she'd thought it was hopeless, that she'd lost her friend for good.

"So do I," Cottle muttered, "if only because I might then finally get her out of here." He frowned in Kara's direction. "I don't want another patient on my hands."

"You mean you haven't been able to throw her out? I thought your word was law around here." Emma couldn't resist the dig. She'd got to know Cottle fairly well when he was visiting Zak on the Caprican Star, and knew he wasn't as grouchy as he liked to appear.

Cottle scowled at her, but there was a hint of amusement in his eyes. "Even I have my limits. She made it crystal clear she wasn't shifting until he woke up, and I'm old enough to know not to bother banging my head against a brick wall. But I did manage to bully her into eating something."

The comment made Emma realise how hungry she was herself. "Food. That sounds like a good idea."

"I'll point you in the direction of the mess hall." They walked back into the main area of life station. "Though I'm not sure I'd call the slop they serve there food."

Emma shrugged. "If it's hot it'll do. Will I be able to eat there although I'm not a crew member?"

Cottle snorted. "_You_ certainly will. After yesterday you're the admiral's new favourite person. You've saved both his sons' lives now." He chuckled. "Bit of an over-achiever, aren't you?"

Emma blushed, feeling suddenly awkward. "I just did what anyone else would have done."

"No you didn't," said Cottle, surprising her. "Anyone else wouldn't have done it as competently." He studied her for a moment, scanning her face so intently that Emma shifted uncomfortably. "How would you like a job?"

"A job? What kind of job?"

"Here. As my student. Training to be a doctor."

Emma stared at him, completely taken aback. "But…I already have a job."

"Flying that freighter? You can get someone else to do that." Cottle dismissed it with a wave of his hand. "Any damn fool can be a pilot, but it takes a particular kind of damn fool to be a doctor, and you're it."

"But-"

"This fleet has too few doctors to go round as it is, and we need more," said Cottle bluntly. "If I get blown up by the Cylons, I want to go in the knowledge that there's someone competent to take my place." He looked at her stunned face with a hint of amusement. "So what do you say?"

"I…" Emma struggled for words. She'd given up her dreams of becoming a doctor a long time ago, and to have the opportunity suddenly held out to her again was a dizzying prospect. Her first instinct was to jump at the chance, but she forced it down, telling herself she had to think about this rationally. "I don't know. I don't want to join the military."

"You wouldn't have to."

"Wouldn't the admiral object if I didn't?" she asked sceptically.

Cottle chuckled. "He might, but the president is as anxious to train more doctors as I am. She'll talk him round."

"You've got this all worked out, haven't you?"

Cottle nodded. "So, do you accept?"

"Yes." A grin spread over Emma's face. "Yes, I accept."

----

Emma was still grinning over the prospect as she followed Cottle's directions to the mess hall. Martin was more than capable of taking her place on the Caprican Star, and she was sure she could find him a new co-pilot…well, she'd make sure of it. She wasn't going to let this opportunity slip away from her.

She found the mess hall and got served without any difficulties. Looking around for somewhere to sit, she spotted Zak, sitting alone in a corner.

"Hey, Zak." She sat down opposite him with a bright smile that faded as she took a good look at him, pale and unshaven with dark rings under his eyes. He definitely hadn't slept last night.

"Hey," he said flatly, not looking up.

He must be really worried about Lee. "I've just come from life station," she said quickly. "Lee's doing much better – Cottle thinks he'll wake up today."

"Oh. Good," he said, in exactly the same tone.

Emma frowned. If it wasn't Lee, what was wrong? "You don't sound like it is."

Zak looked up, flushing slightly. "Sorry. I am glad, of course I am, it's just…I've got other things on my mind."

Emma took a mouthful of her breakfast, watching him with concern. "Want to tell me what they are?"

She could see he was poised to refuse, but then he sighed heavily, his shoulders slumping. "You can't help."

"Maybe not, but I can listen."

Zak sighed again, staring back down at his plate. She noticed he hadn't eaten any of his breakfast. Then he spoke, so quietly she had to strain to hear him. "Kara's in love with Lee."

Emma's fork halted halfway to her mouth. She put it down, watching Zak carefully. "What makes you think that?"

"I heard her say it." Zak rubbed his eyes wearily. "There's no doubt."

"I see."

"You don't seem very surprised," Zak said bitterly, looking up at her. "Has it been blindingly obvious to everyone else and I'm the last to catch on?"

"No!" Emma said sharply, hating the self-mocking look on his face. "No, it's not like that at all."

"But you knew."

"Not knew. I did wonder, but only since yesterday. The way she was acting after Lee was shot…"

"I knew." Zak's eyes were suddenly bright with pain. "I think I've known for a while now. I just didn't want to admit it to myself. Fool that I am."

"Zak…" Emma couldn't stop herself putting her hand over his in an attempt at comfort. She hated to see him hurting like this.

"I think I hoped that if I closed my eyes to it, it would go away." He laughed harshly. "But it's not going to, is it?"

Emma was silent. He was right, it wasn't, but it seemed too harsh to say so.

"I don't know what to do," said Zak quietly. "I've been thinking about it all night, trying to decide…and I just don't know."

"You could talk to Kara."

"I could, but-" Zak scrubbed his hands through his hair. "I don't know what to say. Hell, I don't know what I want _her_ to say."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, if she tells me she wants to be with Lee, that's easy enough. It's all over. Finished. But if she doesn't…if she wants to stay with me…"

"Isn't that what you want?" Emma asked warily.

Zak sighed again. "I don't know. I…I don't want to be second-best, Emma. Especially not to my brother. Maybe that sounds petty, but-"

"No, it doesn't," she said, the words coming out involuntarily. "You deserve more than being second-best. Much more."

Zak blinked at her in surprise, and Emma found herself blushing. She hadn't meant to sound quite so vehement. "I'm sorry. But you shouldn't sell yourself short. Unless…" She took a deep breath. "Unless you love Kara so much that just being with her is enough to make you happy." She forced herself to continue. "That's what you should think about Zak, how you should decide. Ask yourself what will make _you_ happy."

"I'm not sure I know any more." His eyes were suddenly sad. "Kara used to make me happy. But…things changed, and it's not just this business with Lee. Things haven't been the same between us for a long time now."

He paused. Emma waited silently, not wanting to interrupt his thoughts.

"No, it's not 'things', it's me," he said finally. "_I've_ changed. I'm not the same person I was before the attacks."

"None of us are."

"I can't talk to Kara any more. Not about anything important." He laughed bitterly. "Well, looking back, I suppose I never could. She's always refused to confide in me, and so I never felt I could confide in her. I'm not sure why."

"It's difficult to make yourself vulnerable to someone if they're not willing to do the same," said Emma quietly. "Because it gives them all the power."

Zak nodded gratefully. "Yes, that's it exactly." He sighed. "It never used to bother me so much before the attacks. I suppose we were too busy enjoying ourselves to worry about things like that. But now…now I want someone I can ask for advice when I have a hard decision to make, or who can reassure me when there's a crisis, who can give me a shoulder to lean on when I need one…and I want to be able to do the same in return."

"And Kara's not that person."

"No. She doesn't lean on me, and so I can't lean on her." Zak stared down at the table, mouth twisting. "I think she leans on Lee instead."

_And you lean on me._ But Emma bit back the words firmly. It wasn't the right time to say them. Besides, however she felt about Zak, she was his friend first, and he needed a listening ear right now, not more complications.

So she kept her voice neutral, and simply said: "Sounds like you have a lot of thinking to do."

"Maybe." Zak closed his eyes wearily. "To be honest, I think deep down I know what I need to do. But it's going to be hard to do it."

----

Lee was tired of being in life station.

"Not as tired as I am of having you here," Cottle had retorted. "Maybe you should try living a little less dangerously, hm?"

Lee had scowled at that. It wasn't as if he'd asked to be shot, or for the Cylons to blow up the Blackbird. To hear Cottle talk, anyone would think Lee got injured just to make his life difficult.

As the days passed and his gunshot wound started to heal, he only got more frustrated. Being stuck in bed was just so boring. He passed some of the time practicing the relaxation exercises Dr Seton had given him, but that only took so long, and in a way it was just another source of frustration, because this new injury was holding up the progress of his therapy. Both doctors refused to allow him anywhere near a flightsuit or an airlock until he was fully recovered, and his father was backing them up.

Bill was being surprisingly sympathetic, though. When Lee had complained about being bored, he'd brought some paperwork to keep him occupied – though when it turned out to be planning refuelling schedules Lee's gratitude was decidedly mixed – and he visited him every day.

Every day. And not just for a dutiful five minutes either; Bill always stayed for at least half an hour. And they didn't just talk about work. In fact, a lot of the time they talked about the past, gradually filling in the gap left by that ten year separation. Sometimes they even reminisced about earlier times, when Lee and Zak had been children, and a lot of the memories were good ones. Lee was gradually realising how much his view of his childhood had been coloured by those last difficult years when his mother's drinking had really got out of control. There had been happy times too, particularly when he was younger and his father was around more, but they'd got obscured by the bad ones.

He was incredibly grateful that he'd followed the impulse to ask his father to attend his sessions with Dr Seton. Making that small gesture seemed to have stirred Bill to respond in kind, and it had definitely triggered an immense improvement in their relationship. A few days ago, he'd even found himself telling his father about what had happened to him on the Scylla, much to his amazement. But it would help Bill understand the reason for his panic attacks, and…he'd wanted to do something to thank his father for his faith in him during the sessions, make a gesture of faith in return. And it had worked; Bill hadn't said much, but he'd obviously been pleased that Lee had confided in him.

Lee felt more comfortable now with his father than he done for years. Maybe they'd never be close, and certainly never as close as Bill and Zak were, but he thought perhaps they could be friends.

His father's daily visits were a source of comfort in another way, because they provided a distraction from the glaring absence of two other people.

Well, Zak had been to visit twice. But both times he'd seemed strained and awkward, and had rushed off after a few minutes on the excuse of being busy, leaving Lee feeling hurt and bewildered, wondering what he'd done to upset his brother. He couldn't think of anything. Maybe Zak really was busy, but surely he could still find time for a proper visit? He'd tried to ask his father if anything was wrong with Zak without being too obvious about it, but Bill hadn't understood, and Lee hadn't wanted to push it. Zak wouldn't be happy if he thought Lee was discussing him with their father behind his back. He'd ask Emma instead, next time she visited; she seemed to talk to Zak quite regularly.

Of course, the obvious person to ask would have been Kara, but she never came to see him. Lee knew he should have expected it after the last time he'd been in life station, but for some reason he hadn't. He'd thought she might have visited at least once, even if it was a duty 'sorry-I-shot-you' call.

He'd wondered if that was the reason she hadn't come. Shooting him had been a complete accident, but knowing Kara she was probably blaming herself anyway. Maybe she even thought that he blamed her and wouldn't want to see her. So he'd sent her a note via Helo making it clear that he didn't blame her in the slightest and would like to see her, but she still hadn't come. That had cut him more deeply than Lee wanted to admit. He knew she wanted to keep her distance from him, but surely one visit wouldn't hurt?

Although he thought she might have been here once. Early on, just after the shooting. His memories of those few days were very hazy, but he could have sworn she'd been here, even holding his hand…but maybe he was just indulging in wishful thinking. No-one had ever mentioned her being here, and if she had been, why hadn't she come back? He'd probably been dreaming.

Either way, there was no point dwelling on it. No point in thinking about her altogether. He'd wasted enough time these last few months pining after Kara, and he needed to stop it. Needed to pull himself together and get on with his life. Once he got out of life station, he intended to do just that.

----

Kara was busy. She always was, these days. She had a new class of nuggets to train, and between that and her regular duties as CAG, she didn't have a spare minute for anything else.

She made sure of it. It was easier that way.

If she wasn't working, she had time to think. If she didn't tire herself out, she had dreams. Dreams where she watched Lee fall bleeding to the ground, over and over again.

She knew he was recovering. Helo and the Old Man both gave her regular updates on Lee's condition, along with unspoken hints or outright suggestions that she should go and see him.

She knew they didn't understand why she didn't go. Especially when she had barely left Lee's side in those first few hours after his operation. But he had needed her then. Needed her to hold on to him and refuse to let him go. When that need had passed, when Cottle had told her he was going to recover, when he had finally opened his eyes, she had left.

He wouldn't want her there when he was fully conscious and remembered what had happened, that she was the reason he'd nearly died. And she didn't want to be there, to face the blame and accusation she was sure to see in his face. Her guilt was overwhelming enough at a distance; face to face with him it would be suffocating. So she stayed away, telling herself that she was sparing his feelings as well as her own.

Then he sent her that note. Telling her that it wasn't her fault; that he didn't blame her, not in the slightest, and that he wanted to see her.

She read it over four times, and by the fourth she was so furious that she tore the note into tiny pieces, her hands shaking.

The stupid frakking idiot. Why didn't he blame her? He _should_ blame her. It was her fault. She'd been careless, and he'd nearly died as a result. He should stay well away from her, before she hurt him again.

She got drunk that night, the first time she'd touched alcohol since it happened. The next day, head pounding, she carefully taped his letter back together, and tucked it away in her desk drawer. But she didn't go to see him.

He was better off without her. She knew that, even if he didn't.

----

"Kara?"

The voice made her jump. She'd been so lost in thought she hadn't heard the hatch open.

"Busy working, I see," said Zak, taking the seat opposite her. "That's all you ever seem to do nowadays."

Kara shifted awkwardly. She hadn't seen much of Zak in the last few weeks either. What little of her mind she could spare from her guilt over Lee was full of guilt over Zak. She knew that every moment that she allowed Lee to dominate her thoughts and feelings she was letting him down.

She was afraid Zak might see that, so she'd found every excuse she could to avoid him. She'd been surprised he hadn't confronted her about it, or demanded an explanation.

Maybe now he finally was.

She tried to brace herself, summoned every mental defence she'd painfully built during her childhood, and forced herself to look at him.

"I can stop working for a while, Zak. Did you want something?"

He smiled at her, but it was a ghost of his usual smile, and his eyes were sad. "Not want, exactly. I've got some news to tell you. Dad's transferring me to Pegasus."

Kara stared at him. That wasn't what she had expected at all. "Permanently?"

"Maybe. The official line is that Garner could do with another experienced hand in CIC, but really Dad wants me to see how he's working out as commander over there. If Garner and I get on well together, it might end up permanent. I think Dad's angling to get me in as XO."

"Really?" Kara struggled for something to say. "It's a great opportunity, Zak. I'll miss you, though."

"Will you?" His voice was suddenly sharp.

"Of course," she said automatically.

Zak studied her carefully for a moment, and then nodded. "I think you mean that. But it doesn't change anything."

"Change what?" she asked, suddenly alarmed. That sadness was back in his eyes again.

He took a deep breath. "I think we should break up."

----

Kara stared at him, emotions flooding through her in quick succession; shock, hurt, guilt, grief. And just maybe, below it all, a vast sense of relief, although she couldn't acknowledge that just yet.

"I don't understand."

"Yes, you do," said Zak wearily. "Let's be honest with each other, Kara. Things haven't been right between us for a long time."

"I know you were angry about my drinking," she said, words spilling over each other. "But I've stopped now, Zak. I haven't drunk on duty in weeks-"

"It's not about that. Or about you going to Caprica, or…it's not any one thing, Kara. It's everything." The resolution in his face scared her. He'd obviously been thinking about this for a while.

"I thought we were happy," she said weakly.

He raised a tired smile. "We were, once. But now…we've barely seen each other for weeks, and when we do we act as if we're strangers."

She scrabbled for excuses. "That's just stress and overwork-"

"No it isn't," he retorted, a sharp edge to his tone. "Face the facts, Kara. We've drifted apart."

He met her eyes, and the bleak honesty in his face forced her to return it. "I know. It's my fault. I've been preoccupied-"

"No, it's not your fault," Zak said impatiently. "No more than it is mine, anyway. We're just not the right people for each other any more."

Kara's mouth fell open in shock. "Do you really think that?"

His eyes met hers uncompromisingly. "Don't you?"

"No!" she said hurriedly. She didn't dare stop to think about it.

"Really?" Zak's mouth curved sarcastically. "Then why do we never talk about anything important, Kara? Why don't we confide in each other, comfort each other? Tell me that."

She opened her mouth to try, but the words wouldn't come. Because he was right and she knew it, even if she couldn't admit it.

"That doesn't mean we just have to throw everything away." The thought of losing him shook her to the core. He'd been the reliable constant in her life for so long. "We can try again…fix things."

"Maybe we could." Hope filled her for a moment, until she saw the look on his face. "Maybe we could, if you weren't in love with my brother."

_Oh gods._ She stared at him, trying to move lips that were suddenly cold. "Zak, I don't-"

"Kara, don't. Don't deny it." There were tears in his eyes now. "I heard you say it to him. In life station."

He broke off abruptly. Kara looked at him, at the pain written deep across his face, and felt a surge of self-loathing. How could she have done this to him?

She tried to reassure him, make it easier. "Zak, I didn't – I haven't-"

She couldn't find the words, but he understood. "All right. So you haven't. But it doesn't change how you feel. And you love him, don't you?"

Kara nodded silently. She couldn't lie to him, not when he was looking like that.

"Then it's best all round if we end this."

She closed her eyes in anguish. Why did she always have to wreck everything? "Zak, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean-"

"I know. But maybe it's for the best in the end. Because it's forced me to take a hard look at what I really want, and it isn't this." He sighed. "I want someone I can share everything with, someone who will trust me without reservation, who I can trust in return."

She flinched, every word hitting her like a bullet. "Zak-"

"I do love you, Kara. But it isn't enough. Not any more."

And there it was. Every one of her worst fears, come to life. She'd finally managed to push him away, just as she'd always secretly known she would. Because she couldn't be what he wanted, she wasn't capable of it. She'd failed him and so he was leaving.

The irony of it stunned her. Because that was why she hadn't confided in him in the first place, why she'd never told him her secrets. So he wouldn't leave. And now he was leaving anyway, because he felt she didn't trust him. Hysterical laughter bubbled up inside her.

"Kara, say something." He was looking at her anxiously.

She couldn't. There was nothing to say. He didn't want her any more, and that was that. Besides, if she spoke she was afraid she might start crying, and she didn't want to be so vulnerable in front of him. Not now.

Zak stared at her a moment longer, and then sighed.

"I'm sorry, Kara." He got up from his chair. "I don't know what else to say."

She shrugged mutely, wishing he would just go. She wasn't sure how much longer she could hang on to her composure.

"I know this is hard, but I think it's for the best." He looked at her, obviously hoping for a response, but she couldn't give him one. His shoulders slumped a little.

"All right. I'll go now." He finally turned to leave.

She just managed to hold back the tears until he closed the hatch.

----

Zak took refuge in the nearest storage locker, needing time to compose himself. He leaned against the wall and took a few shuddering breaths, blinking back the tears that rose to his eyes.

He'd known it was going to be hard, and it had been. She'd looked so hurt, so stricken…he'd nearly caved in, taken it all back.

But deep down he was glad he hadn't. Even apart from her feelings for Lee, it wouldn't have worked. Everything he'd said had been true. He did love her, but it wasn't enough any more. He wasn't the same person he'd been when they got together, and he'd outgrown their relationship, hard as it was to admit it.

It hurt. So badly that he thought it might tear him apart, and he knew it was going to hurt for a long time to come. But underneath that was a creeping sense of relief, and of freedom. He'd made the right choice, he knew that, however painful it was.

When he finally left the storage locker, and headed to his bunkroom to pack for his transfer to Pegasus, he felt lighter, as if a weight had been lifted from his shoulders.

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**Author's note:** I'd just like to thank all of you for reading and reviewing - I've got over 400 reviews on this story now which is amazing! As you may have guessed, we're getting towards the end of the story now, and I don't think I'd have managed to keep going and finish it without your encouragement (I never expected the story to be this long when I started writing it!), so thanks again.


	39. Chapter 39

**Chapter Thirty-Nine**

The airlock sensor turned green and the hatch wheel turned. Lee pulled off his helmet as his father entered the airlock and grinned.

"How long was that?"

"Twenty minutes," said Bill with an answering smile. "Well done."

He'd managed to keep his breathing steady the whole time. Lee felt a surge of triumph. He'd been back on the therapy sessions for two weeks now, and he felt he'd made up all the ground he'd lost while recovering from his bullet wound.

"Well done, indeed," said Dr Seton, stepping up behind Bill. "The two of you have obviously been working hard."

"Daily sessions," Lee confirmed. Somehow his father had managed to find the time.

"It's certainly paying off. In fact, I think you're ready to move on to the next stage of the treatment."

"You mean-?"

The doctor smiled. "I mean get back in a viper. Short flight, controlled conditions, but I think you're ready."

A broad grin spread across Lee's face. Maybe it wouldn't be long now before he was cleared for flight duty again. "Thanks, doc." He looked over at Bill. "Thanks, Dad. I couldn't have done it without you."

----

Passing the ready room, Lee saw Kara writing the CAP roster on the whiteboard, and on an impulse he went in. He wanted to share the good news with someone.

Maybe it would lighten the atmosphere between them. She'd been acting oddly ever since he was released from life station. Oh, she was friendly enough, but only as long as the conversation kept to certain topics. Any mention of anything personal, and she shut down and retreated. The one time he'd tried to talk about the shooting, she'd simply walked away.

Lee hadn't gone after her. Hadn't tried to find out what was wrong, or force her to talk, the way he would have done a few weeks ago. He'd made a resolution in life station to try and move on from Kara, to accept she was with Zak and get on with his life, and he was determined to stick to it. And so even though he could tell something was upsetting her, could see the dark shadows of strain under her eyes, he didn't ask about it, hard though it was to hold back.

"You might be putting my name up there again before too long," he said casually. "The doc's letting me back in a viper next session."

"Oh?" Kara blinked. It seemed to take her a minute to process what he was saying, but then she smiled at him, the first genuine smile he'd seen from her for days. "Well done, Lee, that's great news. I'm really happy for you."

"Thanks."

"It'll be good to fly with you again. I…I've missed it."

Had she? Lee forced himself not to react, telling himself it didn't matter. "Well, it won't be happening just yet. Cottle hasn't cleared me physically, my shoulder still-"

He broke off abruptly, suddenly realising where that sentence was leading. Kara had turned back to the whiteboard, and he could see the muscles in her shoulders were rigid.

Silence fell. Lee sought for something else to say, to gloss over his comment, but he couldn't think of anything. He waited for her to say something, but she didn't. The silence stretched out awkwardly, and Lee's heart ached suddenly as he thought of all the time they'd spent together in the past, chatting and joking and laughing together…and now they were reduced to this strained silence.

_You can't be friends. Not now, maybe not ever. So just stop pretending to yourself and get out of here._

"Well…I'll see you around," he said finally, and turned to go.

"Hang on a minute, Apollo."

"Yes?" His heart lifted slightly, and he was furious with himself.

"I've had a request from Showboat on Pegasus," said Kara briskly, and his heart fell again. So it was about work. "She could do with another pair of hands to help with flight training for a few days – the guy who usually acts as a second instructor is ill, and she's just got a new batch of nuggets. And since you're…"

"Grounded," Lee supplied, as awkwardness threatened again. "I'm the pilot you can do without. I assume I'd just be doing the classroom sessions, then?"

Kara nodded.

"When do you want me over there?"

"Soon as possible."

"Then I'll go and sort out transport." He smiled as a thought struck him. "It'll give me an opportunity to catch up with Zak, check they're treating him right over there. I haven't heard from him since he left." He looked at Kara enquiringly. "How about you?"

"I think he's doing okay." She began filling in the roster again.

"Do you want me to take a message to him?" It was only polite to make the offer.

Her hand paused for a moment. "No, that's fine."

Her voice sounded strange. Lee hesitated for a moment, but then reminded himself of his resolution. _Don't get involved._

"I'll see you in a few days, then," he said, and left the room.

----

As soon as he'd gone, Kara stopped writing on the whiteboard. She dropped the pen and sat down slowly in a front row seat, fighting the urge to bury her head in her hands.

Why did he have to go asking her about Zak, damn him?

And why couldn't she tell him about Zak? Why couldn't she just admit it, say they'd broken up?

She wished Zak hadn't left Galactica. If he was here, there would be no need to say anything; everyone would be able to see what had happened for themselves. But as it was, the only way anyone was going to find out about their break-up was if she told them, and she couldn't. Couldn't bring herself to tell anyone, not even Helo. It hurt too much, even weeks after it had happened. Just thinking about it made her throat close up and tears press against her eyes.

So she hadn't said anything. Everyone would find out sooner or later anyway. She just couldn't tell them.

Especially not Lee. Just thinking about telling Lee made her shrivel up with embarrassment. After what had happened between them, he might think she was telling him because she expected something from him…she flinched involuntarily, imagining his awkward expression, the way he'd try to let her down gently…

That would probably be his reaction. Because why should she expect anything from Lee? When she looked at it objectively, all that had really happened between them was that they had kissed a couple of times. That didn't really amount to much. It certainly didn't mean that Lee loved her, or wanted a relationship with her, or was interested in anything more than a quick frak. She wasn't going to tamely put her heart out there for him to shoot down.

But…maybe he wouldn't shoot it down. A tiny part of her argued that, a part that remembered how he'd looked at her that night in the rec room, how much it had seemed to be hurting him to step back from her. Maybe he did love her. But in some ways that possibility only terrified her more.

This whole mess with Zak had taught her one clear lesson; that she wasn't cut out for relationships. She and Zak had been good together. He'd loved her, they had been happy…and she had still managed to screw it all up. She'd pushed him, tried his patience as she did with everyone, until he'd finally given up on her. If she and Lee…well, it would only end up the same way, and probably sooner, because Lee was far less patient than Zak. And that would hurt. She had a feeling it would hurt so badly that the wound she'd suffered from losing Zak would seem like a minor bruise in comparison. Because with Lee all her emotions seemed to be magnified; everything was intense and overwhelming.

It scared the crap out of her, and made her feel that maybe it would be safer and less painful not to start anything at all.

So she wouldn't tell him about Zak. She'd let him find out on his own, and then see what he did. See if he made a move. See if he felt anything for her. See if she felt she could trust him not to hurt her.

For once in her life, she'd be cautious, protect herself. Her heart had taken enough of a battering lately; she wasn't going to offer it up to Lee so he could rip what was left to shreds.

Well, not unless he offered his up first.

----

The first person Lee saw when he got off the raptor on Pegasus was Zak.

"Hey, little brother." He grinned and slapped Zak on the shoulder, pleased to see him. He'd missed him the last few weeks. "I wasn't expecting a welcoming party."

Zak smiled back. "Well, Dad told me you were on your way over, and I happened to be passing the hangar deck. Come on, I'll take you to find Showboat."

Lee collected his pack and followed his brother out of the hangar bay.

"The other reason I came to meet you was that Showboat's a little busy at the moment," said Zak. "Two of our raptors just went missing on a training mission, so everyone's focused on finding them. You'll probably be pulled in to help."

"Of course," said Lee soberly. "How long do we have?"

"Before they run out of oxygen? Thirty-six hours."

They fell silent for a moment as they walked down the corridors. Lee noticed most of the crew members they passed greeted Zak cheerfully.

"So how are things going here?" he asked.

"About a million times better than my last posting on Pegasus," said Zak, smiling. "Garner's a much easier commander to work for than Cain, and I think the crew are beginning to accept me."

"Glad to hear it. Just remember to visit us on Galactica once in a while. I was beginning to wonder if you'd forgotten we existed," Lee joked.

Zak sent him a strange look. "Well, there are reasons I'd rather not visit Galactica at the moment, Lee. I'm sure you can understand."

There was an edge of bitterness in Zak's voice that made Lee blink in bewilderment. Reasons? What did Zak mean?

"Well, I just hope you've told Kara your reasons," he said teasingly, trying to lighten the atmosphere. "If you neglect her for much longer she'll probably give you a black eye when you finally do visit her."

"What the hell do you mean by that?" Zak stopped dead in the middle of the corridor, glaring at Lee with a force that made him step back involuntarily. "Are you trying to rub it in?"

"Rub what in?" Lee asked in confusion, watching Zak's clenched fists warily. "Zak, I don't know what you mean."

Zak stared at him for a moment. Then his shoulders relaxed and the anger died out of his eyes.

"You really don't know, do you," he said slowly. "She hasn't told you." He laughed shortly. "Typical."

"Know what? Zak, what are you talking about?"

Zak sighed. "Kara and I broke up before I left Galactica. That's why I haven't been back to visit."

"What?" Lee gaped at him, hardly able to believe his ears. The deck felt suddenly unsteady beneath him. "You and Kara broke up?"

Zak nodded. "I ended it. Things hadn't been right between us for a while."

Lee barely registered what Zak was saying, too lost in his own emotions. A wave of hope stunned him as he realised what this meant. Kara wasn't Zak's girlfriend any more. She wasn't off limits. He could finally tell her how he felt…

_But will she want you to?_ The question hit him like a shower of cold water, and equally disturbing ones followed. Why hadn't Kara told him she'd broken up with Zak? She knew how he felt about her, after all. Maybe…maybe that was why she hadn't said anything. Maybe this was her way of letting him know to keep his distance, not to try anything with her. Maybe the two times she'd kissed him had just been because she was unhappy with Zak and needed a distraction, nothing more. Maybe she was afraid he'd make a move and didn't want to hurt him and embarrass them both by turning him down.

"Lee?"

His brother's voice brought him back to reality with a jolt. He looked at Zak and flushed, feeling ashamed. He should be consoling his brother, not dwelling on how the news affected him personally.

"I'm really sorry to hear that, Zak," he said. "Are you okay?"

Zak was looking at him curiously. "You know, I really think you mean that," he said slowly.

"Of course I do." Lee was hurt. "Why wouldn't I?"

Zak's mouth twisted bitterly. "Lee, I know how you feel about Kara."

Lee stared at his brother in horror, feeling as if all the air had been knocked out of his lungs. He struggled for a convincing denial. "Zak, I don't-"

"Yes, you do," Zak interrupted sharply. "I'm not an idiot, Lee, and I know you. I can see that you love her. So don't lie to me."

Lee's brain was reeling. He'd thought he'd kept his secret so well…fool. He should have remembered that Zak was the one person who'd always been able to see through him.

"You're right," he said finally, forcing the words out. "I do love her. But Zak, I swear to you I never tried-"

"I know." Zak's face softened slightly. "It's all right, Lee. I know you wouldn't."

"You're my brother," said Lee simply.

Maybe that was all he needed to say. He watched with utter relief as the anger gradually faded from Zak's face.

"So I'll ask again," said Lee gently. "Are you okay?"

Zak took a deep breath. "I'm getting there. It still hurts, but…I'm relieved too, in a way. I should have ended it a lot sooner than I did."

"I'm glad you're…coping." Lee put a tentative hand on his brother's arm, and was relieved when Zak didn't pull away. "I don't like to see you hurting, Zak."

"But I'd still rather not talk about it," Zak continued. "Not to you, anyway. No offence."

He smiled at Lee ruefully, and after a moment Lee smiled back. "None taken."

They continued down the corridor in silence. Lee was struggling to process everything that had just had happened. At least Zak didn't seem to blame him for falling in love with Kara, or for their break-up. That was the main thing. He'd focus on making absolutely sure everything was all right with his brother, and worry about Kara when he got back to Galactica.

----

In any case, Lee didn't have much time to think about his personal problems in the next few hours, as he became caught up in the search for the missing raptors.

"Gods save me from blinkered commanding officers," grumbled Zak, entering the briefing room.

Lee looked up from his study of the charts of the sector where the raptors had disappeared. "What happened?" It wasn't like Zak to complain so openly.

"One of our search raptors picked up a distress call near the co-ordinates where the two raptors went missing." Zak sighed. "Garner was ready to jump Pegasus in immediately to follow the signal."

"What?" Lee stared at him in amazement. "But it's more than likely it's a Cylon trap. Didn't you tell him what I found in Buster's last transmission? That the raptors probably got lured away by a distress call themselves?"

"Of course I told him." Zak sighed. "But it's still only a theory, and the fact that it's a theory developed by two people named Adama doesn't make Garner inclined to listen. There's still a lot of prejudice on Pegasus against the Galactica crew."

"And of course we're both brainless idiots who would never have got anywhere without Dad's influence," said Lee contemptuously. "So what happened?"

"Well, fortunately Garner contacted Dad for permission to jump. Dad asked me what I thought, and I told him."

Lee laughed harshly. "Bet that went down well."

Zak pulled a face. "I'm certainly not Garner's favourite person at the moment. But at least it meant Dad ordered him to send five raptors on recon rather than taking Pegasus itself. That would be a stupid risk to take-"

He broke off as a familiar alarm blared.

"Ship to condition one. All flight deck personnel report to stations. Repeat, ship to condition one. All personnel prepare for jump."

Zak and Lee stared at each other in horrified realisation.

"He's doing it anyway," said Lee slowly. "He's going to disobey Dad's orders and jump anyway."

"Frak!" Zak slammed his hand against the wall. "I have to get to CIC. I can't let him do this." He disappeared through the hatch.

Lee followed him out into the corridor. Pilots and deck crew were streaming past him, heading for the hangar deck. He watched them for a moment, thinking about what could be waiting for them the other side of that jump. One basestar, maybe more?

They'd need all the help they could get, and he couldn't stand by. He paused for a moment longer, and then joined the flood of people heading to the hangar deck.

He remembered where the spare flightsuits were kept from his last time on Pegasus, and they hadn't been moved. He found one his size, and pulled it on without hesitation, pleased to find that his breathing stayed normal.

He could do it. He'd worked hard to beat this over the last months, and now it was time for it all to pay off.

He reached the hangar deck and found the Pegasus chief. "Got a spare viper?"

The chief looked at him, brow furrowed. "Yes, but-"

"Then get it ready for me."

"But I thought-" The chief spotted someone over Lee's shoulder and sighed with relief. "Captain Case. I thought Lieutenant Adama wasn't medically cleared for flight."

"He isn't," said Showboat sharply. "Lieutenant-"

Lee cut her off. "It's only a technicality. I'm fit enough. And you're going to need every pilot you've got if the Cylons are waiting for us." He held her eyes firmly. "Please."

Showboat stared at him for a moment, and then sighed. "I suppose you're right. I do need everyone I've got. But this is on your head if anything goes wrong. Understood?"

Lee nodded, relief filling him. "Understood, sir."

Showboat turned to the Chief. "Find him that viper."

----

Zak couldn't talk Garner out of making the jump. He used every argument he could think of, going as far as trying to remove Garner from command, but even that last desperate ploy failed. The Pegasus marines weren't going to take an Adama's orders over those of their own commander, and he was the one who'd ended up under arrest, guarded by a marine in a corner of CIC.

When they finally jumped, everything seemed quiet. No contacts but the two missing raptors. Garner launched a recovery team, casting a triumphant glance in Zak's direction.

"See, Captain. No need for scaremongering."

_And I'm just as happy about that as you are_, thought Zak grimly. _I didn't want to be proved right._

But he thought Garner was relaxing too soon. There was still something about this whole scenario that he didn't trust.

It turned out he was right not to. A few moments later the rescue party reported that both raptor crews were dead…just as three Cylon basestars jumped into weapons range.

They launched nukes immediately. Pegasus had no time to evade them, and the missiles struck just where the Cylons wanted them to, taking out the FTL drive.

The trap had closed, and they were stranded.

----

The launch procedure hadn't been easy for Lee. As he put on his helmet and the viper's canopy closed, as he waited in the launch tubes, all his old fears raised their ugly heads and his body responded, his breath stuttering and his heart thumping.

But it was different from the last time. Now he recognised the symptoms for what they were, and he knew how to deal with them. He used every relaxation strategy Dr Seton had taught him, and by the time he launched and fell into formation behind Showboat he had himself under control.

_I can do this._

Then the basestars appeared, and launched their raiders, and all Lee's anxieties faded to the back of his mind. He didn't have time for them. All he could concentrate on was staying alive, and taking down as many raiders as he could.

He saw the nukes hit Pegasus and then heard the report that the FTL drive was down. Now they were trapped here. He and Zak had been right, but that was cold comfort.

A raider got on his tail, and he didn't hesitate; he feinted and spun and destroyed it easily enough, grinning with triumph. All the weeks of being grounded didn't seem to matter as all his training and instincts kicked back in. His shoulder was aching fiercely, but it seemed to be holding up.

Time seemed to blur, narrowing down to raiders and explosions and following Showboat's orders over the comms. But even as he focused on the next opponent, the next kill, part of his mind was coldly assessing the overall situation, noting how much damage Pegasus was suffering. The topside of the battlestar had suffered the most; looking at it, Lee didn't think it could take another hit. Garner needed to turn the ship to protect it…

Even as he thought that, he heard a familiar voice over the comms. Zak.

"All pilots, this is Captain Adama. I have assumed temporary command. Concentrate on protecting our topside."

"Wilco, Pegasus," said Showboat, and started issuing orders as Pegasus began to turn, moving the topside away from the Cylons' line of fire.

Zak was in command? Lee didn't have time to wonder how that happened, but his spirits rose. Zak knew what he was doing, which was more than Garner did. With him in charge, they might actually get out of this one alive.

Pegasus targeted one of the basestars and fired, obviously inflicting major damage. Lee grinned. _Good shot, little brother._ He swore with satisfaction as the basestar began to retreat.

But that still left two others to deal with. The raiders kept coming, and Lee was running low on ammo; all the vipers were. If they didn't get that FTL drive fixed…

"Pegasus to all vipers. Come on home and prepare for jump."

Lee sighed with relief as he obeyed the order. He landed in the port hangar bay, and almost immediately Pegasus jumped.

They'd made it. They were safe.

And more than that, he'd beaten his fears. He'd flown a viper in combat, and he hadn't frozen up, hadn't panicked at all. He'd done it.

He knew that he'd never be free of those fears entirely, that he'd probably never put on flightsuit or go out in a viper without feeling nervous. But he could accept that now, accept that those feelings were part of him and always would be. It didn't make him any less of a pilot; and maybe it even made him a better one. In some strange way this whole experience had made him feel stronger and more confident in himself than he had ever been before.

A triumphant smile spread across his face. It was one of the happiest moments of his life.

----

Back with the fleet, Zak made a quick report to his father, and then plunged into dealing with the damage to Pegasus, organising repair teams, dealing with the wounded, and telling the crew about Garner's death fixing the FTL drive. It was several hours before he and Lee were able to head over to Galactica for the personal debriefing their father had requested.

Lee spent most of the trip congratulating Zak, which secretly pleased him even as he shrugged it off.

"I didn't do much. If Garner hadn't sacrificed himself to fix the FTL drive, we would have been screwed anyway."

"Yes, but if you hadn't taken over when you did, I'm not sure there would have been a ship left to make the jump," Lee argued. "The Cylons were pulverising Pegasus, but you managed to turn the tables and drive off one of the basestars. You saved us just as much as he did." He grinned at Zak. "Dad's going to be proud."

Zak shrugged again, feeling a little embarrassed. When Garner had given him command he'd just done what needed to be done, that was all. He'd studied enough tactical manuals and watched his father enough times to know what to do. He hadn't thought he'd done anything particularly special, but Lee's praise warmed him all the same. He wasn't used to impressing his brother.

Maybe his father would be impressed too.

Then they reached their father's quarters, and that hope lasted all of thirty seconds.

Bill got up from his desk with a proud smile, but it wasn't aimed at Zak.

"Lee! Congratulations. I just heard."

Lee blinked, shooting a sideways glance at Zak. "Heard what?"

"Heard you got back in a viper, of course." Bill clapped a hand on Lee's shoulder. "I'm so proud of you, son."

He smiled at Lee, eyes shining, and something within Zak just snapped, years of resentment suddenly flaring up.

"Well, that's just bloody typical."

Bill turned to look at him, smile fading. "What?"

"I said that's just typical," Zak snapped, hurt welling up inside him. "So Lee flew a viper. Well, I took command of Pegasus and got us back in one piece, but I guess that doesn't matter, does it?"

"Zak-" Bill was staring at him in shock.

Zak knew he must sound pathetic, but he couldn't stop himself. So many years of struggling for his father's approval, trying to make up for the fact that he wasn't a pilot…what a waste of effort.

"Whatever I do, it'll be never be good enough, will it? I'll never match up to Lee. Because I can't fly a viper, and he can, and that's all that matters to you, isn't it?"

Bill just stared at him. He'd never seen his father lost for words before. It was Lee who rushed to fill the silence.

"Zak, that's not true."

"Yes it is, Lee. 'A man isn't a man till he wears the wings of a viper pilot'. Remember that? I do. I've been trying to prove him different my whole life, and I don't know why I bothered." Bitterness choked him. "I've had enough."

He turned and stormed out, afraid he'd break down if he stayed any longer. Lee called after him, but his father didn't, and that really said it all.

----

Bill stared after his younger son, still too stunned to speak. He'd never seen Zak explode like that, hadn't thought he had it in him.

He couldn't believe his simple words of congratulation to Lee had had such a disastrous effect. He'd never realised…surely Zak didn't really think that? That what he had done today meant nothing? He'd been so proud when he heard that Zak had saved Pegasus, had been going to congratulate him straight after Lee. He'd only spoken to Lee first because they'd spent so much time together working to overcome Lee's phobia, it had been the first thing he'd thought of. He hadn't meant…

"I'd better go after him," said Lee abruptly. He hurried out.

Bill blinked, gathering his wits together. Taking in the other things Zak had said, the bitterness with which he'd quoted Bill's words about being a viper pilot. He did remember saying that to them when they were boys, but…he'd never meant them to take it that seriously. Of course he'd been deeply disappointed when Zak didn't get into flight school, but that didn't mean he didn't value him…

He started after Lee, suddenly determined to find Zak. He'd caused this mess, so he should be the one to clean it up.

The corridor outside his quarters was empty, but after a moment he heard raised voices coming from a briefing room a few metres away. One of them was definitely Zak's.

He paused outside the slightly open hatch, bracing himself to go in.

"It's true, Lee. Whatever I do I'll never be good enough for him because I'm not a viper pilot."

The bitterness in Zak's voice stopped Bill in his tracks.

"You know, all that time you were gone, I tried to fill your place. Make up to Dad for your absence. Tried to be a son he could rely on, that he could be proud of."

"Zak, you _are_ all that," Lee said firmly.

"Not as far as he's concerned. I don't think he even noticed." Zak's tone made Bill wince. "But you – hell, you ignore him for ten years, pick fights with him at every turn, but as soon as you show you can fly a viper you're number one son again."

"That's not true." Lee sounded angry.

"Yes it is. All those times the two of you talked about your viper training, acting as if I didn't exist – because only pilots matter, don't they?"

"You know I don't think that. And neither does he."

"Yes, he does. All that help he's given you with those therapy sessions – you think you'd have got that if flying wasn't involved?" Zak laughed harshly. "I'm just fed up with it all. I'm never going to live up to you in his eyes, just because you got the flying genes and I didn't."

"_You're_ never going to live up to _me_?" Lee said caustically. "Yeah, right. Stop being so blind, Zak. You're the one who's always been Dad's favourite, not me."

Bill stayed frozen outside the hatch. He knew he should go in and say something, but he couldn't seem to move. Every word each son said was like a fresh punch in the gut.

"_I'm_ Dad's favourite?" Zak said harshly. "I don't think so."

"Of course you are. You're the one he jokes with, the one he listens to."

"Only because you didn't see him for ten years. We're just closer by default."

"Oh, come on, Zak," snapped Lee. "It was like that even when we were kids. You were always the one he played games with, that he spent time with when he was on leave. You were the one he liked."

"Don't be ridiculous, Lee!"

"I'm not being ridiculous." Lee's voice was strained. "Dad doesn't like me, Zak. He never has."

"Lee-"

"It's true. That's why he talks to me about flying so much, because it's the only worthwhile quality he sees in me." Lee gave a little laugh that broke in the middle. "There's no need to be jealous of me. Believe me, I'm far more jealous of you."

Bill stepped back from the hatch. He didn't want to hear any more. Didn't think he could bear to hear any more.

He went back to his quarters, every word of the conversation echoing in his ears.

He wasn't sure which voice in his head cut more deeply.

Zak, furious and hurt. _Whatever I do, I'll never be good enough for him because I'm not a viper pilot._

Or Lee, calm and bitter. _Dad doesn't like me. He never has._

He'd admitted to himself a long time ago that he'd been a bad father when his boys were growing up. He hadn't spent enough time with them or given them enough attention. That had been made painfully clear when Lee had run away.

That event had made him take a good hard look at himself. He'd tried to change his ways, done his best to make up to Zak for that former neglect.

He'd thought he'd succeeded, but everything Zak had said today proved otherwise. How could he think those things? Of course he valued Zak. Of course he was proud of him.

And Lee…he'd known their relationship was damaged, but he'd never realised how badly. That Lee thought he didn't even like him, saw nothing to approve of in him…

Bill sat down heavily in his chair and closed his eyes, feeling utterly exhausted and more helpless than he had for years, even on the day of the Cylon attacks.

Gods, how badly he'd failed both of his sons.


	40. Chapter 40

**Chapter Forty**

Bill Adama didn't sleep that night. He lay on the sofa in his quarters, thinking about the past and his sons.

He'd never been one for dwelling on the past. Always thought the future was more important. And that's what he'd concentrated on with Zak and Lee. The future.

He realised now he'd never talked about the past with either of them. Never apologised for being gone for so much of their childhood. For not seeing that Caroline's drinking was getting worse, and affecting their children so badly. For leaving Zak with only Lee to rely on and Lee with no-one at all.

He had thought that trying to make it up to them in the present was enough. That being a better father now would atone for the mistakes he'd made back then.

Maybe it would, to some extent. But it hadn't fixed the damage completely. The conversation he'd overheard today had made that all too clear. Both sons had wounds that were still festering, wounds that his past actions had caused.

It was time to gather his courage and talk to them about the past after all. Try to heal those wounds. Maybe that was the only way they could all finally move on into the future.

----

The next morning Bill took a raptor over to Pegasus. He wasn't sure Zak would come to see him if he asked, and he didn't want to make it an order. This was family business, not military.

He found Zak in CIC, going over damage reports from the battle. Bill watched him unseen for a moment, smiling slightly at the easy way Zak rattled off orders and the other CIC officers accepted them. His son was definitely a leader, even if he didn't realise it himself.

When he finally made his presence known, Zak greeted him with a mixture of surprise and wariness, but he didn't reject Bill's request to talk to him in private. He led the way to an empty briefing room.

"I've come to talk about what happened yesterday," said Bill, getting straight to the point.

Zak shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "You don't need to…I was just in an odd mood yesterday, that's all. It doesn't matter."

"Yes, it does," Bill insisted. "I heard what you said, Zak. You said you'd never be good enough in my eyes because you're not a viper pilot."

Zak pushed his chair back, metal legs scraping loudly against the floor. "Dad-"

"Is that true?" Bill pushed. "Do you really feel like that?"

Zak nodded, staring down at the table. Bill could see that his shoulders were shaking slightly.

"It's not true, Zak." He put all the sincerity he could muster into his voice. "I don't feel like that."

"Yes, you do!" Zak looked up at him, eyes burning. "Come on, Dad. It was all you talked about when we were kids, telling us about flying, encouraging us to try it ourselves…all you ever wanted was for us to follow in your footsteps."

"Zak-"

"Well, I wanted to, Dad. I tried my best, but I just wasn't good enough." He'd never heard Zak sound so bitter. "And don't try to tell me you weren't disappointed when I didn't get into flight school."

"I _was_ disappointed," Bill admitted. "But only because I knew you wanted it-"

"You know what? I didn't." Zak laughed harshly. "Not really. I can see that now. I never really wanted to be a pilot, deep down. I convinced myself I did because you wanted it, and I wanted to please you, and with Lee gone there was no one else to fulfil your expectations, but…I was relieved when they turned me down. I can admit that now. I was relieved." He slumped back in his seat, looking drained.

Bill stared at him. He cleared his throat cautiously. "Zak, I had no idea…I never meant to pressure you like that." He paused, trying to get his thoughts in order. "Yes, I did hope you and Lee would become pilots. I suppose every father dreams that his sons will follow in his footsteps. And you both seemed interested, and…I suppose flying was always a safe topic between us. An interest we could all share together. That was partly why I talked about it so much." He smiled ruefully. "I suppose that's exactly what I'm doing with Lee, even now."

"What?" Zak looked puzzled.

"I don't find Lee easy to talk to, you know that." Zak snorted under his breath. "Never have. But since he started flying vipers – we finally have something in common, something we both enjoy and can discuss without arguing. That's why I've spent so much time talking to him about it. I never meant to make you feel excluded, or second-best."

Zak pulled at the cuff of his uniform, staring down at the table. "Well, that's what it feels like."

"How could I not be proud of you? When I look at all you've accomplished…not just with the Pegasus yesterday, but ever since you joined the fleet. You're a fine officer, and I'm proud to have you serve with me."

Zak looked up, and the surprise on his face made Bill's throat ache. "Do you mean that?"

"Of course I mean it." He couldn't bear to see Zak doubting himself like this. "So you can't fly a viper. Well, I can't calculate an FTL jump as fast as you can, or come up with a firewall to protect against a Cylon virus."

A hesitant smile spread across Zak's face. "That firewall failed."

"But then you had the idea of asking Sharon for help to beat the virus." Bill smiled. "You're good with people, Zak. At seeing their strengths and using them. That's why you'll make a good commander."

Zak's mouth fell open. "What?"

Bill grinned inwardly, his heart swelling with pride. "The Pegasus needs a new commander now." He pulled a box out of his pocket and pushed it towards Zak. "Congratulations."

Zak stared at the box, making no move to open it. Then he looked up at Bill, eyes full of uncertainty. "Dad…you're not doing this just to make me feel better, are you? After yesterday-"

"Of course not," Bill retorted swiftly. He'd expected something like this. "I don't hand out command of heavily armed battlestars on a personal whim, you know." He smiled. "You're the best candidate for this job; you showed that yesterday. You took command, saved Pegasus – and from what I just saw, you've taken the lead in clearing up the mess as well."

Zak nodded slowly. He opened the box and stared at the gleaming pins inside. "I don't know what to say."

"Then don't say anything." Bill chuckled. "You won't be thanking me once the responsibility and sleepless nights kick in."

Zak smiled reluctantly. "Thanks for the reassurance."

Bill studied his son's face closely, relieved to see that most of the uncertainty and bitterness that had been there when they began talking had faded away. But he wanted to make certain. "Zak, don't ever think again that I'm not proud of you. That I don't value you. I do, and that's never going to change. Do you believe me?"

He held his son's eyes steadily, refusing to let Zak look away. Zak stared at him for a long moment and then nodded, the last of the tension leaving his face. "Yes, Dad. I do."

----

One son dealt with, another to go. Unfortunately, Bill doubted this second conversation was likely to be as easy as the first. He might have been blind concerning Zak, but once his eyes had been opened he knew his younger son well enough to fix the problem. But Lee…well, if he were brutally honest, he just didn't know Lee well enough. He'd never been easy to read or predict, and then there were those ten lost years, years in which Lee had grown into a man and he hadn't been there to watch him. He'd never get those years back.

But he was determined to try to talk to Lee. He'd probably fail, but at least he'd have tried.

He attempted to get off to a good start by setting an informal tone, pouring Lee a drink and sitting on the sofa rather than hiding behind his desk. Lee looked faintly surprised, but took the drink and even looked fairly relaxed as he leaned back against the sofa. Bill thought back to how stiff and awkward Lee had been with him only a few months ago, before he'd started attending Lee's therapy sessions, and felt more optimistic. They'd come a long way recently.

"I went to see Zak earlier," he began. "Talked to him about last night. I think I managed to set him straight about a few things."

"Oh." Lee sipped at his drink. "Did it work? Zak can be stubborn when he wants to be."

Bill grinned. "I know. It's a family failing." He saw Lee smile ruefully. "I think I got through to him. Made him believe that I'm proud of him. And the promotion probably helped."

"Promotion?" Lee sat up. "Do you mean-?"

"He's the new commander of Pegasus."

"Good." Lee's smile was blinding. "I was hoping you'd do that. He deserves it, and he'll make a good job of it. He saved all of us out there yesterday." He put down his glass. "I'll have to call and congratulate him. My little brother, the commander." He laughed. "Makes me feel old."

"Imagine how ancient it makes me feel," said Bill ruefully.

Lee chuckled, and Bill took a deep breath. He didn't want to break the good mood, but he had to. There were things he had to say. "Lee."

Lee turned to look at him. "Yes?"

"I need to – yesterday, I overheard some of your conversation with Zak. In the briefing room."

"Oh." Lee's smile faded. "Zak was upset, Dad. He didn't mean everything he said."

"Yes, he did. But I've talked to him about that. What I wanted to talk to you about was what _you_ said."

"Dad-" He could see Lee closing up, retreating behind that blank defensive mask of his.

Bill gritted his teeth and pushed on. "You said that I didn't like you."

Lee bit his lip, something flickering in his eyes. "Dad, let's just leave it. Please."

"No, Lee. I can't let this go. How can you think I don't like you?"

Anger flashed across Lee's face. "Because you don't. Not as much as Zak, anyway." His mouth twisted bitterly. "Kids aren't blind, Dad. Or stupid. Did you think I didn't notice he was always the first one you spoke to when you came home, the one you told your war stories to, the one you spent time with?"

Bill stiffened, stung by the accusation. "That's unfair, Lee. I spent time with you too."

"Not as much. And we spent most of it arguing." Lee's mouth was set hard.

_And whose fault was that?_ Bill was tempted to snap, but he stopped himself. "Lee, that's not true-"

"Don't, Dad." Every line of Lee's body was rigid with tension. "If this is the part where you try to convince me that Zak isn't your favourite, that you love us both equally, just don't bother. I'm not going to believe it."

Bill could feel his temper rising and pushed it down firmly. He wasn't going down that familiar road. Not this time.

"Okay, Lee, maybe you're right," he said, and had the satisfaction of seeing Lee's jaw drop. "Maybe I did spend more time with Zak, and that was wrong of me. I admit it."

He paused, but there was no reply. Lee was still staring at him in astonishment. "I'm only human, Lee. I've made mistakes, a lot of them. I've always found Zak easier to deal with than I have you, and so I took the easy way out and spent more time with him. It wasn't anything personal."

"Nothing personal." Lee began to laugh, with a jagged edge to it that made Bill look at him with concern. "Yeah, I know that, Dad. Nothing I did ever mattered. I made the mistake of being born at the wrong time, and nothing ever wiped that out for either of you. Mum made that perfectly clear."

_Caroline? What had she got to do with this? _ "I don't understand…"

"Come on, Dad," Lee said harshly. "If you want to talk about this, then let's get everything out in the open. Stop pretending. I know I was a mistake. That I was the reason you had to get married."

Bill took an unsteady breath, feeling as if a chasm had opened up in front of him. "What makes you think that?"

"I can read a calendar," Lee snapped. "And even if I couldn't, Mum used to throw it in my face at every opportunity. How I'd ruined her life. How I'd trapped you both in an unhappy marriage."

"Lee-" Bill couldn't believe it. Surely Caroline wouldn't have said those things, cast that kind of blame. Not to a child. Not to her own son. She couldn't have…

_Couldn't she?_ another part of his mind asked coldly. She'd had a cutting tongue, particularly when she'd been drunk…he remembered how fast her moods could change, could flash from good humour to cruelty in a blink of an eye. Some of the things she'd said to him, in their worst arguments…they'd cut so deeply he had the scars even now.

Yes, she'd been quite capable of saying such things to Lee. Fury welled up in him at thought. It was one thing for her to vent her spite on him. He'd deserved it to an extent, for marrying her and neglecting her and making so many mistakes…but Lee certainly hadn't. None of it had been Lee's fault, and he couldn't bear that Caroline had made him think it was.

And she had. He could see it written all over Lee's face.

"I always knew she didn't like me," Lee was saying, staring down at the floor. His hands were clenched so tightly every knuckle was white. "She always made it clear she preferred Zak. I used to think I was doing something wrong, that I wasn't behaving well enough…so I tried hard to be good to please her."

_Oh gods._ Bill remembered Lee as a young boy, so quiet, so rigidly well-behaved. Toowell-behaved he'd thought, unable to understand it. It had unsettled him, made him feel uncomfortable with Lee, wishing he'd run wild a little like Zak did. He'd never thought to look for a reason for Lee's behaviour, never realised…memories ran through his head, taking on a completely different meaning.

"Then one day she lost her temper with me – I can't remember over what, it didn't take much – and told me the whole story. That I'd ruined her life, and she couldn't forgive me. That neither of you could."

That jolted Bill into speech. "Lee, that's not true!"

"Isn't it?" Lee asked bitterly. Bill could see that his shoulders were shaking. "Are you going to tell me that you were pleased when Mum found out she was pregnant? That you didn't feel trapped?"

The comforting lie hovered on Bill's lips, but some instinct held it back, telling him if he wasn't honest now he'd lose Lee for good. "No, I wasn't pleased. I did feel trapped. I had so much I wanted to do…I didn't feel ready to be a father. But, Lee-" He reached out and put a hand on Lee's shoulder, holding on firmly when Lee tried to pull away. "That feeling didn't last."

Lee looked at him sceptically.

"It didn't. It disappeared as soon as you were born, as soon as I held you for the first time." He stared at Lee fiercely, willing his son to believe him. "Since that moment you've never been a mistake, Lee. Not to me. You're my son, and I love you, and that's always been true. I've never regretted having you in my life. Not for a minute."

Lee was watching him uncertainly, his eyes bright. "Really?" He looked as if he wanted to believe what Bill was saying, but didn't quite dare to.

"Really," said Bill firmly.

Lee closed his eyes for a moment. Bill watched him closely, willing him to accept what he was saying.

"Even when we've been yelling at each other?" Lee said finally, opening his eyes. His voice was uneven, but there was a hint of humour in it, and Bill's heart eased slightly. Maybe Lee had believed him.

"Even then." He smiled a little. "My father and I were just the same, you know. Always butting heads. I loved him, but I never understood him, not really." He looked at Lee ruefully. "I sometimes think that's why I have trouble with you. You're very like him at times."

"Am I?" Lee's mouth twisted. "Well, I can assure you I'm not about to go off and defend drug dealers, if that's what you're worried about."

They both laughed, and Bill almost choked with relief. Maybe he hadn't left it too late after all.

"Lee, I'm so sorry your mother said those things to you. She had no right to. If we were unhappy, it was our own fault, and nothing to do with you. I never realised she blamed you." Bill sighed heavily. "Seems there are a lot of things I didn't realise." He needed to spend some time thinking about the past, seeing it with this new perspective. It had changed things already; he understood so much better now why Lee had run away, and he could feel that old anger, born of bewilderment and helplessness, fading away.

"I've always taken the easy route, that's the trouble," he said bitterly. "I didn't know how to fix my marriage, so I avoided the issue by burying myself in my work and staying away. I didn't know to reach you, so I stopped trying and abandoned you to your mother." He met Lee's eyes squarely. "But I promise you, I'm not going to do that any more. I'm going to be there for you from now on." He took his hand off Lee's shoulder and held it out to seal the promise.

Lee smiled shakily. "I know you will, Dad. I trust you."

He took Bill's hand and clasped it tightly.

----

Lee took refuge in the observation lounge after leaving his father's quarters. He needed a breathing space, some quiet and solitude to absorb everything that had been said between them.

It had been a tough conversation, dredging up memories that he'd spent years trying to bury, that he'd never wanted to think about again. But…but as his emotions settled and steadied, he began to realise that it hadn't necessarily been a bad thing. He felt calmer, more at peace with himself than he had in years, and those memories didn't hurt quite as much any more.

Maybe his mother hadn't wanted him, or loved him, but he knew now that his father had. Still did. He had no doubts about that any more, and that made all the difference.

The shift change rang, and he realised that he only had an hour before he was due to start a maintenance shift. So he stood up, took a deep breath, and headed for the bunkroom to change out of his uniform.

He had to pass Kara's office on the way, and he stopped outside the hatch, wondering if she was inside. All thoughts of his parents were forgotten as other problems flooded back to the forefront of his mind. The question that had been nagging at him ever since that conversation with Zak on Pegasus – why hadn't Kara told him they'd broken up?

He knew what the most likely answer was. That she was afraid he'd take the opportunity to make a move on her, and didn't want to hurt him by turning him down.

But…but part of him couldn't help hoping otherwise. Sure, a couple of kisses in the rec room meant nothing, but the way she'd looked at him afterwards…for a moment, it had made him believe she felt the same way he did, felt the same intense connection between them.

For a moment. Of course, it was probably wishful thinking, seeing emotions in her eyes because he so desperately wanted them to be there. He didn't know.

_So find out. Ask her._

He stared at the closed hatch, heart in his mouth. The thought of asking her, of taking that kind of risk, terrified him, made him feel exposed and vulnerable. He paused, almost turning to walk away.

_But if you don't ask, you'll never know._

He thought of the conversation with his father that afternoon, and it gave him strength. If he could face that, he could face this.

He pushed open the hatch.

He was half-hoping that she wouldn't be there, that he wouldn't have to go through with his resolve, but of course she was. Sitting behind her desk, running her hands through her hair as she frowned over some paperwork. His heart jumped into his throat.

Kara looked up as he entered. Her face changed when she saw it was him, frown giving way to a blank mask, as if she'd slammed a lid shut on her emotions. He wasn't sure if that was a good sign or not.

She opened her mouth to speak, but Lee jumped in first. If he didn't get this out now he might lose his resolution.

"Zak told me the two of you broke up."

All the colour drained from Kara's face. She stared at him with eyes that were suddenly nervous. She nodded.

Lee forced out the next words through lips that were suddenly dry. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Kara bit her lip, and shrugged.

"Why not?" he demanded, voice rising. He needed to know, damn it.

Kara shrugged again, looking defensive. "I don't know. I suppose I didn't think it was important."

_I didn't think it was important._ The words hit Lee like bullets, puncturing the hope he'd clung to. The careless tone of her voice, the casual tilt of her head as she spoke them, crushed that hope completely.

He had his answer then. He took a long breath, and the air burned his lungs.

"Should I have?"

"What?" He blinked at her, feeling dazed. Her voice seemed to come from a long way away.

"Should I have told you?" There was an edge to her tone that Lee didn't quite understand, of urgency almost. As if she was waiting for something. "Was there a reason I should have told you?"

She was staring at him, her eyes bright, but not with anger. Scanning his face as if she was searching for something.

He didn't know what, and he didn't have the energy to try and work it out. She'd told him what he'd wanted to know, and it had hurt as much as he'd feared it would. All he wanted was to get away and lick his wounds in peace.

"No," he said flatly. "No, there wasn't."

The light died out of her eyes. He thought that her shoulders slumped a little, but he wasn't sure. "I see."

Lee nodded, and turned to leave. The hatch swung shut behind him with a sense of finality.

Maybe it was for the best, he thought numbly. Better to be hurt now than later. It wasn't safe to care that much about anyone; he'd known that from the start. In the end, maybe it was better to be alone. At least that way he was in control.

But for some reason, the thought wasn't as comforting as it should have been.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Author's note:** Don't all throttle the pilots at once, they will be coming to their senses very shortly, promise!


	41. Chapter 41

**Chapter Forty-One**

Zak entered his quarters and sat down on the sofa, closing his eyes with relief. It had been a long day.

Not as tiring as it could have been, though. After three weeks as commander of Pegasus, he felt he was finally starting to get a handle on things. Although it had helped that he wasn't a complete newcomer to the ship and already knew the layout and most of the key personnel, the first week had still been a nightmare of information overload, especially when dealing with the aftermath of the battle with the Cylons. Now, however, that was all resolved and things were starting to settle down – although he still had a gigantic pile of delayed paperwork on his desk to sort through.

He thought that the crew were beginning to accept him as well. In fact, the circumstances of his promotion meant that he'd had less trouble than he expected. No doubt there had been all the usual murmurs about favouritism from his father, but it was undeniable that he had saved Pegasus from that Cylon ambush. He had overheard Hoshi pointing that out hotly to one of the engineering team.

It wasn't going to be easy, but Zak found he was looking forward to the challenge, to proving he could command Pegasus successfully. More than that, he was confident he could do it.

A knock on the hatch roused him from his thoughts. He went to open it and found Emma outside.

"Sorry I'm late," she said. "The raptor was delayed leaving Galactica."

"No problem. I got held up in CIC anyway." Zak walked over to the comms unit. "I'll ring down to the galley and get them to bring us some food. I'm too tired to cook this evening."

"I know how you feel. I've been on my feet all day myself." Emma sank down on the leather sofa with a sigh of pleasure. "I wish I had one of these."

"Well, you know you can make use of mine any time." Zak chuckled as he picked up the phone.

Emma had been coming to visit him regularly ever since he transferred to Pegasus. Her visits had been a lifeline at first, when he was lonely among the Pegasus crew and miserable over his break-up with Kara. Emma had been a rock of support, listening when he wanted to talk about Kara and distracting him when he didn't.

Things were much better now. He'd made some friends on Pegasus and his hurt over Kara was slowly but steadily fading. But he still looked forward to Emma's visits. He always enjoyed seeing her, and it was a welcome break to spend time with someone to whom he was just Zak and not Commander Adama.

He finished ordering the food and joined Emma on the sofa. "Cottle still running you ragged, then?"

"Absolutely." Emma pulled a face. "But I'm enjoying it."

"You made the right decision then? Leaving the Caprican Star?"

"Oh, yes," she said without hesitation. "This is what I've always wanted to do." She chuckled. "Just think, the next time you or Lee gets injured I'll be able to patch you up myself."

"Very funny."

As usual, they weren't short of conversation. The talk ranged from Emma's patients to Zak's battles with his senior staff to the latest Galactica gossip. Emma had started joining in the crew's triad games, so Zak gave her a few tips. He laughed and joked and forgot everything else for a few hours.

The evening raced by, and as always he was surprised when Emma announced she had to catch her raptor.

"It feels like you barely got here," he complained as she stood up to leave.

"I know," she said, smiling ruefully. "Time flies, doesn't it?"

Zak walked over to open the hatch for her. "I'll see you in three days as usual?" It was their regular pattern.

Emma stopped in front of him, looking slightly awkward. "Actually, Zak…I don't know if I'll be able to make it."

"Oh." Zak felt ridiculously disappointed. She'd never missed an evening with him before. "Are you working?"

Emma paused, as if deciding whether to say something. "No, I'm not," she said finally. "I'm going on a date."

Zak blinked. "A date?" It was the last thing he'd expected to hear. "Who with?"

"One of the med staff. He's been asking me for a while now, and I thought why not?" Emma was talking quickly, seeming slightly nervous. "I'm sorry to let you down, but that's the only evening we both have off."

"Of course. Don't worry about it," said Zak automatically. His chest felt suddenly hollow. "I – I hope you have a good time."

"Thanks." Emma was looking at him with an expression he couldn't quite identify. "I'll see you soon, then."

"Yes." He felt as if he should say something else, but he didn't know what. His mind had gone completely blank. "Goodnight."

"Night, Zak."

Zak closed the hatch behind her and stood there staring at it for a full five minutes after she had gone.

----

Zak couldn't understand why Emma's news had shocked him so much. It was just…the thought of her dating had never occurred to him.

But why shouldn't it? Why shouldn't she go on a date? She was beautiful, intelligent, had a good sense of humour – the men of the fleet would be fools not to see that. It was more surprising that she wasn't on a date every night. He unconsciously clenched his fists at the thought.

He supposed he was being selfish. He'd come to take her company for granted, and he shouldn't have. After all, Emma had her own life to live; she wasn't going to waste two nights a week visiting him forever. And hadn't he admitted to himself that he was happier now, that he didn't need her support as badly as he had done? If he could see that, no doubt Emma could too. Maybe this was her first step to reducing her visits.

But he didn't want her to reduce them. He already counted the days between them. And it wasn't because he wanted a break from his duties or a shoulder to cry on, he realised now. It was simpler than that. He just wanted to see Emma.

Being with her made him happy. He missed her acutely when she wasn't there.

And suddenly Zak knew exactly why the idea of her dating this med guy had upset him so badly.

_Because I want her for myself._

He sat down on the sofa, putting his head in his hands. _Gods, I'm an idiot._

He couldn't believe he hadn't seen it before. When he thought of all the time they'd spent together…he'd always been able to talk to her more easily than he could to anyone else, always been happy when he was with her, missed her when they were apart…why hadn't he realised what that meant?

He remembered what he'd said to Kara he wanted from a relationship. _I want someone I can share everything with, someone who will trust me without reservation._

Emma was all that and more. He certainly trusted her, and she'd trusted him with her own secrets too. He knew he could rely on her absolutely.

What he wanted had been right in front of him the whole time, and he'd been a fool not to see it.

Well, he wasn't going to be a fool any more, he thought firmly. First thing tomorrow morning he was going to head over to Galactica and find Emma. Persuade her that _he_ was the one she should be going on a date with, not this medical guy.

----

The next morning found him outside Emma's small cabin on Galactica, bright and early. He wanted to catch her before she left for life station.

She opened the hatch, looking surprised to see him. "Zak. What are you doing here?"

Zak was lost for words for a moment. Looking at her made him abruptly aware how much this – she – mattered to him. All the determination that he had built up during the night faltered, as acute nervousness crept in to replace it.

"Zak?" Emma was looking puzzled. "What is it? Has something happened?"

He took a deep breath and forced himself to reply. "No. I – I just need to ask you a question, that's all."

"Ask away," said Emma, smiling. "But make it quick. My shift starts in ten minutes."

_Okay. Here we go. Ask her._ The prospect was more daunting than facing a charging Centurion had been.

"I…I just wanted to ask…I mean, I wondered if you-"

He listened to himself with disgust. _Get a grip, Zak. You're not a teenager any more._

He took a deep breath and started again. "Would you like to go on a date? With me."

There. He'd done it.

"Yes."

"I know it's out of the blue, but I think-" Zak stopped as her reply finally registered. "What?"

Emma laughed. "I said yes." Her eyes were bright, and softer than Zak had ever seen them.

Zak stared at her. "Just like that?" He'd expected to have to work harder to convince her.

"Just like that." A dazzling smile spread across Emma's face. "Of course, if you'd prefer I changed my mind…"

"No!" said Zak hurriedly, a broad grin spreading across his face as his surprise faded. He hadn't expected it, but maybe – maybe it meant she felt the same way he did, felt the connection between them. He hoped so.

"So…how about tonight?"

Emma laughed again. "That's very eager. I'm flattered."

"Well, I don't want to risk that medical guy stealing you away," Zak joked, but there was a serious edge to his tone.

"Don't worry, I'll tell him our date is cancelled." Emma's eyes twinkled. "So, tonight then?"

Zak nodded, heart thudding with a mixture of nerves and excitement. "Yes. Tonight."

----

Lee knocked on the hatch of Emma's cabin. After a few moments it swung open and Emma appeared.

She smiled when she saw him. "Hello, Lee. Come in." She chuckled. "I think there's enough room if you breathe in."

Lee could see what she meant. Her cabin was a converted storage locker, and with a bed and a locker inside there was room for very little else.

"It's a tight squeeze," he commented as he entered.

Emma shrugged. "I'm coping. Besides, it's near life station, which is the main thing. Means I don't have to go too far for my training with Cottle."

"How's that going?" asked Lee. Emma sat down on the bed and he leaned against the opposite wall. "I can't imagine he's an easy teacher."

Emma rolled her eyes. "He has his moments. But I'm learning a lot, and this is what I always wanted to do. It's worth putting up with a few sarcastic comments for." She grinned. "So what can I do for you, Captain Adama?"

Lee blinked. He'd been a captain for three days now, but it hadn't really sunk in yet.

"I still keep looking round for Zak when people call me that."

"You'll get used to it soon enough," said Emma. "Congratulations, by the way."

"Thanks," said Lee awkwardly.

"No, really. You deserve it. Cottle told me you got over fifty people off Caprica – and that there wouldn't have been a rescue mission at all if you hadn't kept pushing at your father and the president over it."

"Well, it wasn't just me," said Lee. "Kara did her share of pushing, and helped me plan the mission. I'm just glad we got there in time to rescue them. You should have seen Anders' face when we arrived – he'd never expected us to come back."

"I know. I've treated some of the refugees in life station," said Emma. "They'd just about given up hope. Not that life in the fleet is a bed of roses, but I suppose it's an improvement on slowly dying of radiation poisoning on Caprica."

"It definitely is," said Lee. "And now we have the option of settling on that planet Racetrack found. That might improve things."

"For that Baltar would have to win the election, and I doubt that will happen." Emma looked at her watch. "What did you want anyway? Sorry to be rude, but I have a raptor to catch in twenty minutes."

"Oh. I came to get that book you offered to lend me."

"Oh yes." Emma reached across the bed and pulled a book off a narrow shelf. She tossed it to him. "There you are. Enjoy."

"Thanks. Sorry to hold you up. Where are you off to, anyway?" Lee looked at her, suddenly realising she was wearing a dress and make-up, and grinned teasingly. "Have you got a date?"

Emma's face lit up. "I certainly have."

"Who with?"

Emma's smile faded and she hesitated. Lee quickly backtracked. "Sorry, didn't mean to pry."

"No, it's not…it's just…" Lee blinked as Emma paused, stumbling over her words. He hadn't often seen her so nervous. This guy must be important.

Finally she took a deep breath and looked him in the eye. "It's Zak."

Lee's mouth fell open. "What?"

"I'm going on a date with Zak. Our first one." She was looking uncharacteristically shy.

Lee stared at her, as several things suddenly connected in his mind. "You mean – when you told me you were in love with someone…you meant Zak?"

Emma nodded, flushing slightly.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Well, it just seemed too awkward, him being your brother – and you had enough troubles of your own to deal with."

"I've always got time for your troubles as well." Lee protested. "I thought you knew that."

Emma looked at his hurt face and smiled. "Yes, I do know that. I suppose there just didn't seem much point in talking about it. I didn't think it would ever – but then he broke up with Kara, and he was lonely on Pegasus so I started visiting him to cheer him up, and one thing led to another, and then he asked me out."

Her eyes were shining, and something caught in Lee's throat as he saw it. He hadn't seen her look this happy since the attacks. "I'm really glad, Emma. For both of you."

"Everything worked out well in the end, didn't it?" she said cheerfully. "I got Zak, and you got Kara-"

Lee laughed bitterly. "Well, you got that half right."

"Half right?" Emma looked confused. "But I thought – aren't you two-"

"No," Lee said shortly, hoping she would drop the subject.

Unfortunately Emma wasn't deterred in the slightest. "Why not? Were you worried about upsetting Zak? I'm sure he won't mind now. It's been two months since they split-"

"It's not that."

"What then? I thought you loved her-"

"I do!" Lee snapped involuntarily. "But she doesn't love me, so there's no point. Can we just drop it?"

Emma looked at him with a puzzled frown. "What do you mean? Of course Kara loves you."

Lee stared at her. "What gives you that idea?"

"Well…for a start she spent all night sitting by your bedside when you were shot."

"She did?" Lee was stunned. He hadn't realised…he'd thought Kara hadn't even bothered to visit him. Hope flickered inside him, but he forced himself to be realistic. "That doesn't mean anything, Emma. She was just being a good friend."

"A friend?" Emma snorted. "Lee, _I'm_ your oldest friend, and once I heard you were out of surgery and stabilised, I left and got some sleep. I certainly didn't spend all night sitting by your bed and holding your hand. That definitely requires more than friendship."

"Maybe," said Lee cautiously. He'd spent the last few weeks carefully resigning himself to the fact that he and Kara would never be more than friends, and he didn't want to undo all that hard work.

"Well, how about this then?" said Emma, watching him with amusement. "She told Zak she loved you."

"_What_?" Lee felt suddenly dizzy. He put a hand against the wall for support.

"When they broke up. Zak asked her if she loved you, and she admitted it. He told me."

"But-" Lee's head was reeling. "But then – why did she-?"

"Why did she what? Come on, Lee, tell me."

Lee was so shaken that he found himself doing exactly that. He told Emma all about the conversation he'd had with Kara after he found out she'd broken up with Zak, when she'd made it clear she didn't want to be with him.

As he finished, Emma closed her eyes and buried her head in her hands. After a moment, he realised with a shock that she was stifling laughter.

Lee stiffened with hurt. "It's not funny."

"Oh, Lee, I'm sorry." Emma looked up at him, mouth curving despite her efforts to straighten it. "But you're an idiot."

"What?"

"Well, I suppose it's not your fault," she said, in a kindly tone that made him glare at her. "You're a man, and men don't get these things."

"What things?" He didn't understand what the hell she was talking about.

"Lee, what question did Kara ask you in that conversation? Several times?"

He shifted impatiently. "Emma, what's the point-"

"Humour me."

"She…she asked me if there was a reason she should have told me about her and Zak."

"And what did that mean?"

Lee blinked, confused. "Well…she was saying that there was no reason for her to tell me. Because she didn't want to be with me instead."

Emma sighed exasperatedly. "No, she wasn't. She was asking you if you loved her."

"What? How do you get that idea? That's not what she said-"

"No, but that's what she meant, trust me."

"She can't have." His mind ran back over the conversation bewilderedly. "Before that she said that telling me wasn't important. If she loved me she wouldn't have said that."

"Yes, she would," said Emma impatiently. "Gods, Lee, think about it. She's obviously afraid you don't love her, so she was trying to get you to say it first."

Lee stared at her. "She's afraid I don't – but… but she must know-"

"How?" Emma demanded. "Have you ever told her you love her?"

"Well, no. Not in so many words," Lee admitted. "But she must have realised-"

"Must she?"

Lee was silenced. He'd been in love with Kara for so long now that he'd thought it must be as obvious to her as it was to him. But Emma was right – why should it be? Maybe Kara really wasn't sure how he felt. And he knew that her personal life was the one area where she tended to be cautious, hold back from taking risks in case she got hurt…maybe she_ had _been waiting for him to make the first move. He groaned.

"Light finally dawned?" asked Emma, not without sympathy.

"You might be right…I need to talk to her."

"Damn right you do." Emma stood up. "And I'd better go, or I'm going to miss that raptor." She put a hand on his arm. "Good luck."

"Thanks." Lee smiled at her. "And have a good evening."

"I will." She opened the hatch and he followed her into the corridor.

Lee shook off his own concerns for a moment. "And you can tell Zak that if he breaks your heart, I'll kick his ass, little brother or not."

Emma laughed.

----

After leaving Emma, Lee retreated to his rack and thought long and hard about what she had said. Ran back his last few conversations with Kara in his head, relating them to everything he knew about her.

Emma's explanation made sense. And if he were honest, hadn't he accepted Kara's dismissal rather too easily? When he thought back over all that had happened between them, he was sure she felt _something_ for him, whatever she'd said. There _was_ something there. The only question was whether it was something strong enough to build on.

Or maybe it was whether he _wanted_ to build on it. He sighed, forcing himself to admit that much as Kara's rejection had hurt him, he had also felt a certain amount of relief. The thought of being with her, of risking his emotions like that, terrified him as much as it attracted him. Every relationship he'd had in the past had been strictly casual. This wouldn't be. His feelings for Kara were too intense to be controlled – the last few months of desperately trying and utterly failing to stay away from her had taught him that.

However, they'd also taught him that his life was grey and flat without her. That he felt as if a crucial part of himself was missing when she wasn't by his side.

Maybe it was time to change his old habits. Time to finally take that risk.

Emma was right. He needed to talk to Kara, and this time he wasn't going to back down so easily. He set his jaw and headed to her office.

Fortunately she was there, and alone. She looked up in surprise as he shut the hatch behind him.

"What do you want, Apollo?" she asked, standing up.

She sounded irritated, but she was biting her lip nervously. The sight gave Lee hope, and he decided to get straight to the point before he lost his nerve.

"Kara, we can't go on like this."

She blinked, looking startled. "Like what?"

"Avoiding each other." He took a deep breath. "Avoiding what's between us."

Kara stared at him, something flickering in her eyes. "I don't know what you mean," she said finally, but Lee noticed she looked away from him as she said it, and his hope strengthened.

"Yes, you do," he said stubbornly. "I lied to you."

She looked back at him, frowning. "What?"

He forced the words out. "When you asked me if there was a reason you should have told me you'd broken up with Zak. I lied."

Her frown disappeared. Her eyes widened, suddenly vulnerable. "Lee-"

"There was a reason." He met her eyes, feeling as if he was stepping off the edge of a cliff, but determined to say it. To finally take that risk. "I love you."

Kara stared at him in amazement, colour flooding her cheeks. For a moment a look of pure happiness flashed across her face, and then uncertainty rushed back. "Lee, don't-"

"No, Kara. I'm tired of pretending. Tired of hiding how I feel. I love you." Scary as the words were, it amazed him how much of a relief it was to say them, to finally get it out.

"Lee-"

"I love you," he repeated, determined not to leave her any room to doubt it. He swallowed hard, preparing himself for the next step. "And I think…I think you love me too. Do you?"

Silence. Kara had gone pale, and she was staring down at her desk.

"Do you?" he pushed, determined to get an answer.

"Yes," she said abruptly, almost choking on the word. She still wasn't looking at him. "Yes, I do."

Lee closed his eyes on a wave of relief, his heart soaring. He'd hoped…he'd been almost sure, but-

"Kara-" He moved towards her, smiling, but she stepped back, looking almost frightened.

"Lee, no. We can't do this."

He stopped, confused. "Why not? If you love me, and I love you, there's nothing to stop us." He tried to work out what might be bothering her. "If you're worried about Zak, you needn't be. He's moved on."

She shook her head. "It's not that."

"Then what?" he asked, trying not to sound too impatient.

Kara sighed, biting her lip. "Lee, I do love you, but – but you're also the best friend I've ever had. I don't want to lose that."

He frowned, puzzled. "Why would you lose it?"

"Because I'm crap at relationships," she snapped, scowling at him. "I've screwed up every one I've ever had, one way or another." She paused, looking suddenly miserable. "And this – you – it's more important than any of the others were. Too important to screw up."

Lee stared at her in amazement, unable to speak for a moment. Did he really mean that much to her? Then he realised she was shifting towards the hatch, and he pushed down his emotions and forced himself to think, searching for the words to convince her.

"Maybe you wouldn't screw it up with the right person."

"Wouldn't I?" Kara laughed bitterly. "I don't think it's that easy."

"Why not?"

"Why not?" she echoed harshly. "Well, for a start, we have nothing in common. We're total opposites. We'd argue all the time, and it would all fall apart."

Lee could see in her eyes that she really believed that. That she was so convinced they were doomed that she'd push him away rather than take a chance otherwise. He thought quickly, racking his brains for a way to change her mind.

"Shall I tell you why you've been avoiding me for the last few weeks?" he said finally. He went on before she could answer, keeping his eyes fixed on hers. "Because it was all right to love me while Zak was there as a barrier and you couldn't do anything about it. But now he's gone, you've got no excuse not to act on your feelings, and the thought of taking that kind of risk scares the crap out of you."

Silence. Kara had turned paler with every word, and her eyes had darkened with resentment, but she didn't deny it. He could see the truth of it written all over her face.

"How do you know-"

His lips twisted wryly. "Still think we have nothing in common?"

Kara's eyes widened as she realised what he was admitting. "So we're equally frakked up emotionally." She stared at him with a mixture of amusement and disbelief. "And you think that's a _good_ thing?"

Lee found himself grinning. "I don't know." He took another step towards her, smile fading. "I just know that you're the only woman I've found who's worth taking that risk for."

Kara blinked at him, her eyes suddenly bright with tears. "Lee-"

"This scares me too, Kara. But the thought of living my life without you scares me even more."

After a moment her gaze faltered, and she sighed. "Me too," she admitted in a low voice.

Lee felt a surge of relief. He was winning. He just had to keep on pushing. "We can do this. We can make it work."

"Can we?"

"Yes, we can," he said firmly. "Come on, Kara. You've always loved a good challenge." He grinned at her. "Besides, where would be the fun if it was easy?"

A reluctant smile tugged at Kara's lips. "You're insane."

"So are you." Lee chuckled. "That's another thing we have in common."

Her smile widened, and he pressed home the advantage. "Kara, please. Give us a chance."

She stared at him for a moment longer, and then she smiled properly, full and radiant, holding nothing back. "All right."

"All right?" He blinked, slightly taken aback by his sudden victory.

Her smile widened. "Do I have to repeat it?"

"No," said Lee hurriedly.

This time when he moved forward she came to meet him, and they collided in the middle of the room, arms wrapping around each other. Kara buried her face in his shoulder and Lee hugged her tightly, hardly able to believe that he'd convinced her, that after so long she was finally here in his arms.

_We're going to make this work_, he vowed fiercely. _We are._

"I love you," Kara said after a while, lifting her head from his shoulder. Lee pretended not to notice that her cheeks were damp.

"I love you too," he said and kissed her.

Kara returned the kiss fiercely, pressing her mouth against his. Lee hesitated for a moment, and then suddenly realised that everything had changed now. For the first time with her he didn't need to hold back, didn't need to feel guilty. He cupped her cheeks with his hands and drew her closer, finally allowing himself to let go of his emotions. He poured everything he felt for her into the kiss, and he could feel her doing the same, swept away as completely as he was. She ran her hands up under his tanks and pulled him closer against her, as if even an inch of space between them was too much.

It was a long time before either of them spoke again, and by that time Kara was half out of her tanks and Lee had lost his entirely, and he was fast approaching the point where lucid thought was impossible.

"Shouldn't we move somewhere more comfortable?"

Kara laughed against his neck, making him shiver. "Lee. Haven't we waited long enough for this already?"

"I just thought-"

"Then I'll have to make you stop thinking." She laughed again, and reached past him to lock the hatch.

Several minutes later she looked up at him, eyes dancing wickedly. "Still want to move somewhere more comfortable?"

Lee struggled for breath, trying to think clearly enough to form words. "No. Here…here's just fine." He pulled her back against him.

"Good," said Kara a few moments later. She sounded equally dazed now, and Lee smiled smugly. "It's…it's about time I made…oh gods, Lee…made proper use of that desk."

Lee grinned, and let her pull him towards it.


	42. Chapter 42

**Chapter Forty-Two**

_Three months later_

The sound of a door closing roused Zak from sleep. He blinked and rolled over, coming fully awake as he realised the other half of the bed was empty. A thin line of light glowed under the bathroom door, and he could hear the shower running.

After a few moments he flicked on the bedside light and sat up. When Emma emerged from the bathroom she looked apologetic.

"I didn't mean to wake you," she said, sitting on the edge of the bed next to him.

"I'm glad you did," said Zak, smiling at her. "Means I get to say goodbye properly." He leaned forward and kissed her, sliding one hand into her hair to draw her closer.

After a few minutes Emma pulled away, smiling and breathless. "Zak, I can't. I have to go."

He grinned at her, running a hand along her shoulder. "You sure about that?"

He was pleased to see her visibly hesitate before she pulled herself together and shook her head. "I can't be late, today of all days. It's Cottle's last day on Galactica before he moves down to New Caprica and we're putting on a farewell party." She stood up and walked over to the chair where she'd left her clothes. "I'm sorry."

"Don't worry. I'm coming over to Galactica this evening anyway. Dinner with Dad and Lee." Zak grinned at her. "Think I could stay the night?"

Emma grinned back. "Of course. But no complaining about the lack of space in my room, commander." She pulled her t-shirt over her head.

"Wouldn't dream of it." Zak watched her for a moment in silence, plucking up his courage. The last few months with Emma had been some of the happiest of his life. Everything was so easy between them, so natural; and she filled gaps inside him that he hadn't even realised were there. She was everything he'd always wanted, although it had taken him a while to see it.

But today he had a question to ask her, and he felt nervous. He didn't want to push things too fast.

"About that," he said slowly, taking a deep breath.

"About what?"

"Well, now Cottle's moving down to the surface, you'll be doing your training down there, won't you?"

"Yes." Emma moved over to the mirror, checking her hair. "I'll be going down there twice a week and spending the rest of the time with Dr Marsh on the Rising Star. I thought I told you that."

"You did." Zak was suddenly impatient with himself. He needed to stop tiptoeing round the subject and get to the point. "But…what I mean is…there's no need for you to stay on Galactica now, is there? You could just as well live on Pegasus."

Emma turned to look at him, eyes wide. "Zak. Are – are you saying what I think you're saying?"

He nodded. "Will you move in with me?" He smiled nervously. "There's plenty of room."

"Oh well, of course that's my first consideration," said Emma sarcastically. She sat down beside him, scanning his face carefully. "Zak, are you sure about this?" She sounded suddenly vulnerable. "We've only been together a few months…"

"It's long enough," he said firmly. "Well, for me anyway. I don't want to push you-"

Emma laughed, her eyes bright. "No pushing required, believe me."

Zak relaxed, taking a full breath for the first time in minutes. "Emma, I'm sure. I want to spend as much time with you as possible. I love you."

"I love you too." She smiled, with a brilliance that momentarily took his breath away. "When do you want me to move in? Tomorrow?"

Zak laughed. "Tomorrow works for me." He kissed her, soaring on a wave of relief and happiness.

A few minutes later he lifted his head. "I thought you had to get going."

"Never mind that." Emma laughed and pulled him back towards her. "It's not every day the man I love asks me to move in with him. I think we need to celebrate."

Zak wasn't about to argue.

----

"Well, there's one good thing about everyone disappearing down to New Caprica," said Kara, resting her head comfortably on Lee's bare shoulder. "We don't have any trouble getting the bunkroom to ourselves."

"I suppose." Lee shifted slightly underneath her, giving her more space between him and the wall. The bunk was a tight fit for two.

"You suppose?" Kara propped herself on her elbow and looked down at him, eyes dancing with amusement. "Don't tell me you miss sneaking around in equipment lockers and my office."

"Of course not."

"You don't sound very sure." Kara couldn't resist teasing him. "Did the risk of getting caught turn you on? I never realised you had such a kinky streak." She stifled a giggle as he blushed. He was so predictable.

Lee heard the giggle and glared at her. "I certainly don't miss nearly getting caught. Do you remember that time Tigh almost walked in on us?" Kara felt him shudder at the memory and started to laugh.

"That was your fault. You picked the locker where Tyrol keeps his still."

"Well you didn't warn me!"

"I didn't realise which locker it was. You had me a little…distracted." Kara grinned at him wickedly. "Lucky for us there was so much junk in there to hide behind. I don't think he saw us."

"He didn't. If he had, we'd still be in the brig now." Lee grimaced. "I think that was the longest five minutes of my life. Certainly the most uncomfortable."

"But you have to admit it was funny. Wasn't it?" She poked him in the ribs, making him wince. "Come on, Lee. Admit it."

She grinned at him, and after a moment his lips curved reluctantly. "Well, maybe a little. But it's not an experience I want to repeat."

Kara allowed a worried frown to spread over her face. "Hm...I wonder if I locked the hatch…I really can't remember. Perhaps you should check-"

She broke off with a shriek as Lee pushed her against the wall and began tickling her unmercifully.

"Lee, stop that!" She tried to escape, giggling, but he had her firmly trapped.

"You stop trying to freak me out, then," said Lee, laughing down at her.

Kara pouted. "But it's such fun."

"Well, that's what I'm like. Always ruining your fun." Lee grinned unrepentantly.

"Very true." Kara scowled at him. "Killjoy."

"Pest," Lee shot back, sticking his tongue out at her. "But I love you anyway."

Kara's scowl faded, something melting inside her. It always did whenever he said that, even after three months. "That's a low blow."

"But effective."

"Good thing I love you too. Or I'd kick your ass for that."

"Promises, promises," murmured Lee, and kissed her.

Kara kissed him back, smiling. She still felt an odd sense of wonder and disbelief whenever they were like this, relaxed and close and laughing. She'd never thought she could feel so happy, so content, so…complete. She was even beginning to hope that maybe this would last, that it would work after all. That maybe Lee had been right when he'd said that she'd just been waiting for the right person.

Of course it hadn't all been plain sailing. They rarely went a week without some kind of argument. Mostly it was just bickering, but a few times it had been more serious. So far they'd always managed to sort it out though. In Lee she'd found someone as stubborn as she was, who refused to let her shut him out, who always seemed to find a way to provoke her into talking about what was bothering her. She wouldn't let him shut her out either; and she'd managed to get him to confide in her in return a few times, finally hearing the whole story behind his panic attacks. She'd never been much good at listening or being supportive, but for Lee she was determined to try.

Kara couldn't imagine her life without him now, but that thought wasn't as scary as it had once been. In fact, she wouldn't have it any other way.

----

Bill opened the hatch to his quarters and smiled to see his younger son.

"Come in, Zak. Interesting that you're always the first to arrive even though you live on another ship."

Zak grinned. "Well, I can't be late now I'm a commander. Looks unprofessional."

Bill smiled. "How are things on Pegasus?" He was sure they were fine. In the last few months Zak had more than justified his promotion. The Pegasus was run more efficiently than it had been since Cain's death, and he'd gradually but surely won the respect of the crew. Bill was proud of him – and he'd made sure Zak knew it. He wasn't going to make that mistake again.

"Pretty quiet," said Zak, sitting down at the table. "But then so many people have gone down to the surface – and I've got yet more discharge requests for us to consider."

"It's only natural. People want to start a new life, and after all they've been through I can't blame them."

"I know, but we need to keep enough crew to run the ships. Just in case-"

"-we haven't seen the last of the Cylons." Bill smiled. "Wonder where you got that suspicious streak from."

Zak grinned back. "I can't imagine. But I've got some better news for you as well."

"Really? What's that?"

"It's about me and Emma." Zak flushed slightly, looking both pleased and embarrassed. "She's moving in with me on Pegasus."

"That is good news." Bill sat down opposite Zak, looking at him curiously. "Sounds like things are getting serious between you then."

Zak nodded, smiling.

"I'm glad. She's a nice woman." Bill cleared his throat awkwardly. "You should bring her along to dinner sometime."

"Thanks, Dad."

"I would have invited her before, but…well, I felt if I asked her I'd have to invite Kara too, and I wasn't sure if you-"

"If I could cope with seeing her and Lee together?" Zak was smiling, much to Bill's relief. "Dad, you don't need to worry. I'm fine with it."

"Are you sure?"

"Well, I can't deny it wasn't difficult at first. But it's not a problem any more. I'm with Emma now, and I'm far happier with her than I ever was with Kara."

Bill studied him closely, but Zak both looked and sounded sincere. "Good. I just wanted to make sure."

Zak grinned. "You're as bad as Lee. I think I've finally convinced him that I don't mind him being with Kara, but he still looks guilty every time I see them together."

"I'm still finding that hard to get used to myself," Bill admitted. He'd been stunned when Lee first told him. Lee and Kara…the idea had never occurred to him, and not just because he was so used to thinking of Kara as Zak's girlfriend. She and Lee were just so different, poles apart in personality. He hadn't been able to see it working, but it had been several months now, and they seemed happy.

Another knock at the hatch heralded Lee's arrival. He'd already heard Zak's news about Emma.

"Don't know how you convinced her," he teased. "Must have been the lure of those massive commander's quarters on Pegasus." Zak made to hit him and Lee ducked away, grinning. "Seriously though, I'm really pleased for both of you."

"Thanks, Lee," said Zak. "I'm pleased for you too." They smiled at each other, and something about it finally convinced Bill that everything was all right between his sons. He relaxed and went to serve the food.

"Not noodles again," joked Lee, as Bill put a plate in front of him, and Bill grinned.

"I'll have you know noodles are very nutritious. If you're going to find fault with the menu, you can cook next time."

Lee chuckled. "Forget I said anything."

Bill went to fetch his own plate. Part of him still found it hard to believe that he could joke with Lee like this now, the way he'd always done with Zak. It was a measure of how much things had improved between them, ever since their talk on the day he promoted Zak. He'd done his best to keep the promise he'd made that day, to be a better father to Lee. Since then they'd talked a lot about the past, about Lee's childhood, and Caroline, and why he'd run away. For the first time in his life Bill finally felt he was beginning to understand his elder son.

They still argued sometimes, of course, and Bill knew there were certain topics on which they'd never see eye to eye. But there wasn't the same bitterness to their disagreements now.

He picked up a bottle from the kitchen counter and put it down in front of Zak. "Can you open that?"

Zak went to do so and then stopped, staring at the label. "Dad, this is Aerilon ambrosia! I didn't realise there was any of this left."

"That just may be the last bottle in existence," Bill admitted. "It was an early retirement present from Saul. I've been saving it for a special occasion."

"What's the occasion?" Lee asked.

Bill smiled at him. "It's a year ago today that Zak found you again on Cloud Nine."

Silence fell for a moment.

"I didn't realise," said Lee finally, his voice sounding rough.

"Nor did I." Zak's hand shook slightly as he poured the ambrosia. "It's been a long year, hasn't it?"

"Certainly an eventful one," said Lee wryly, as Zak passed round the glasses.

"But a good one," said Bill firmly. "Because whatever else has happened, our family is back together again." He looked round the table, and smiled. If anyone had told him a year ago that he'd be sitting here having a happy family dinner with both his sons…well, he wouldn't have believed it. But he was. His family was back together, and he was determined that nothing was going to split them apart again.

He held out his glass. "To the Adama family, and fresh starts."

Zak and Lee clinked their glasses against his, echoing the toast, and they all smiled.

**The End**

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**Author's Note: **And so finally we reach the end of the story, which at times I wondered if I would ever reach, I thought this would only be about 20 chapters when I started writing it, LOL. However the main thing that motivated me to keep going and finish the story was the fact that so many of you took the time to let me know that you were enjoying the story - your enthusiasm and encouragement was wonderful and I really appreciated it. So a huge thank you to all you reviewers!


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